Excerpts from HUGE! the high-quality commemorative book chronicling the trials, tribulations and triumphant beginning of the Trump administration and on sale in the lobbies of all federal government office buildings and other Trump-owned properties.
IN THE WEEKS between his election and inauguration, President-elect Donald Trump, as promised, chose his vice president and cabinet in a televised "Celebrity Apprentice"-style round of challenges and competitions. How many of them would ultimately be confirmed by Congress was anybody's guess although pundits agreed Howie Mandel was a lock for Secretary of Agriculture.
In Trump's Inaugural Speech the new president vowed to make America totally classy again, "We are going to be huge! We will be the envy of all the losers who aren't us!"
Day 1: Thousands of Inaugural Ball revelers are injured attempting "The Combover", a dance based on the swooping, bending, folding and twisting motions necessary to get the president's hair into that shape.
Day 2: Rachel Maddow, Jon Stewart, Ivana Trump and Marla Maples Trump are deported.
Day 4: Guy Fieri is appointed Trump White House chef. He will serve a single one-year term and be replaced by the winner of a Food Network competition show.
Day 6: Camp David is renamed "Camp Donald".
Day 7: To the surprise of many, Trump accelerates the normalizing of relations with Cuba, offering U.S. territorial status and hinting at fast-tracked statehood.
Day 8: White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter quits after a week on the job, irked at reporters' insistence that her responses to their questions be more than just eye-rolling and swipes at their masculinity.
Day 10: Trump Steaks are designated the "Official Meat of America".
Day 12: All Trump properties bearing his name are deemed "Weekend Trump White Houses" and, therefore, totally legitimate tax write-offs.
Day 13: By Executive Order, instead of money for tax refunds, the IRS will issue taxpayers chips equal in value to the amount due, redeemable at any Trump-owned casino resort in the continental U.S.
Day 15: On his first official trip to that island nation, Marco Rubio, Trump's "Ambassador and Presumptive Cuban Territorial Governor" is taken aback by the hostile response to his arrival, where he is pelted with rotten fruit and vintage car parts.
Day 18: The VA suspends benefits to any vet who was captured.
Day 20: Relief that the reported $13.7 trillion price tag for the Inaugural Balls was an accounting error is short-lived when the actual number turns out to be $13.9 trillion.
Day 25: On a very special episode of "Who Do You Think You Are?" DNA test results "prove" that Trump is descended from every native-American tribe that ever existed. He declares all his properties to now be "reservations" and eligible for the development of casinos.
Day 27: Air Force One is retired and executive branch transportation is contracted to the newly revived Trump Air.
Day 28: Questioned about the legality and propriety of Trump Air's contract, Secretary of Transportation Chris Christie assures the reporters that, "Absolutely, 100% no wrongdoing will be found by the independent investigation I am personally conducting right after lunch."
Day 29: The administration's negotiating stance toward Iran -- "How about you give us all your oil then go fuck yourselves and maybe we don't bomb you back into the stone age" -- proves as controversial as it is ineffective.
Day 31: The U.S. military is privatized and the Pentagon is leased to the Halliburton Corporation. Trump notes that, "Halliburton has totally got what it takes to start and run a war. They get it done and turn a profit!"
Day 36: Not content with walling off the U.S.-Mexico border, President Trump orders the erection of an electrified chain-link fence to separate the U.S. from Canada. Opinion is split between those who believe it is meant to keep Canadians out or keep in Americans who wish to flee.
Day 39: Trump acknowledges that he carries a concealed handgun on his person at all times; oddsmakers have it at 20-to-one he keeps it in his hair.
Day 42: Rumors that the highly refelctive gold tiles being applied to the White House exterior are solar panels turn out to be untrue.
Day 48: Despite his words in support of Israel during the campaign ("Many of my accountants are of the Jewish persuasion and I myself enjoy the occasional bagel."), American Jews are deeply unnerved when President Trump's secret plan for peace in the Middle East turns out to be the relocation of Israel to Baja California ("Better weather, beaches on both sides, no Hummus!").
Day 51: Printing of U.S. currency is outsourced to China ("Most of our money belongs to them, anyway, they can just print up however much we owe them").
Day 55: Ignoring his repeated requests from the besieged U.S. diplomatic mission in Havana and the tearful pleas of his family in Florida, Trump steadfastly refuses to recall Marco Rubio from Cuba.
Day 59: In a proposed overhaul of Social Security, Trumps offers recipients chips equal in value to the amount of their benefits, redeemable at any Trump-owned casino resort in the continental U.S.
Day 63: Amid howls of protest from animal rights groups, a trend among Trump supporters, sycophants and impersonators of wearing an orange tabby cat on top of their heads increases in popularity.
Day 68: After a sharp escalation of clashes in Havana between residents and crowds of returning exiles, communication with ambassador Rubio is cut off.
Day 72: Border town residents on both sides of the "Mexico Fence" complain about the light coming from the signs atop it advertising Trump casino/resorts.
Day 74: When Trump's foreign policies are denounced on the floor of the United Nations, delegates residing in Trump-owned buildings suddenly find themselves short of hot water.
Day 79: Trump's tax returns for the previous two years show he has deducted everything he's done since the announcement of his candidacy and that the U.S. Government now owes him $386 million.
Day 84: A sunburnt and dehydrated Marco Rubio washes up on Florida's Gulf Coast eight days after escaping Cuba on a raft.
Day 88: Trump incorporates the United States under the laws of Delaware and announces an IPO of USA Inc.®, decreeing that from this day forward the country will be "... for and of its citizen shareholders!" In lieu of dividends, shareholders are entitled to chips of equal value to the amount of their dividends, redeemable at any Trump-owned casino resort in the continental U.S.
Day 93: President/CEO Trump moves all of USA Inc.®'s assets into offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands.
Day 94: China calls in the U.S. debt.
Day 96: Trump declares USA Inc.® bankrupt and claims it is now under Chapter 11 protection.
Day 99: China declares war.
Day 100: President Trump offers the Chinese chips equal in value to the amount of the debt, redeemable at any Trump-owned casino resort in the continental U.S.