Ant Farmer's Almanac

MY NEW BOOK IS (Still) OUT!

That's right, he's done it again! "Go the F**k Back to Work! Rhymes to Inspire Our Contemptible Congress to Just Do Its F**king Job", is on sale at Amazon and other fine online booksellers NOW!

 So, what, would it kill you to buy a copy or three?

Remember when America had the best Congress money could buy? Neither can we.

As a public service, we offer these satirically inspirational rhymes to not-so-gently remind Congress both why they're less popular than cholera, cockroaches and colonoscopies and what they were sent to Washington to do... you know, they're f**king jobs!

 

Baker's Dozen, May Edition

Thirteen things that happened on the 13th of Mays past.

1637: Cardinal Richelieu invents the table knife; 1787: Eleven ships full of convicts sail for Botany Bay, Australia; 1848: First performance of Finland's national anthem; 1940: Churchill states that he has nothing to offer but "blood, toil, tears & sweat"; 1942: First cross-country helicopter flight; 1950: Diner's Club issues its first credit cards; 1958: Velcro is trademarked; 1965: Rolling Stones record "Satisfaction"; 1967: An octagonal boxing ring is tested to avoid corner injuries; 1981: Pope John Paul II is shot and wounded in St Peter's
Square; 1989: 2,000 students begin a hunger strike in Tiananmen Square; 1992: Final episode of "Night Court" airs; 1992: Frank Stallone beats Geraldo Rivera in boxing match on the Howard Stern Show; 1996: O.J. Simpson appears on British TV discussing his not guilty verdict.

Baker's Dozen, April Edition

Thirteen things that happened in history on 13ths of April.

837: Best view of Halley's Comet in 2000 years (they don't say which 2000, though); 1204: Crusaders occupy Constantinople (later known as Istanbul); 1796: First elephant arrives in US from India; 1808: William Henry Lane ("Juda") perfects tap dance; 1860: First Pony Express delivery reaches Sacramento, California; 1861: After 34 hours of bombardment, Fort Sumter surrenders to Confederate forces; 1870: Metropolitan Museum of Art forms in New York City; 1957: Due to lack of funds, Saturday mail delivery in U.S. is temporarily halted; 1958: Van Cliburn is the first American to win the Chaikovsky Compettion in Moscow;
1965: Beatles record "Help"; 1970: Apollo 13 announces "Houston, we've got a problem!"; 1976: The $2 bill is re-introduced as US currency; 1980: US boycotts Summer Olympics in Moscow.

Live @ MoCCA This Weekend!

I'll be selling and signing books, alongside my friends and collaborators Martin Kozlowski, Tom Hachtman and Randy Jones. 

Dictionarium

Hedgetation [noun] 
to avoid committing to the process of making of a difficult choice in a passive-aggressive and transparently self-serving manner;

• [verb} what one does when there isn't a 10-foot-pole handy with which to not touch something unpleasant; The Supreme Court hedgetated over the legality of gay marriage.

Baker's Dozen, March Edition

Thirteen historic things that happened on 13ths past, our monthly triskaidekaphiliac tribute to the year 2013.

 

483: St Felix III begins his reign as Pope; 607: 12th recorded passage of Halley's Comet; 1519: Cortez lands in Mexico; 1677: Massachusetts gains title to Maine for $6,000; 1759: 27th recorded passage of Halley's Comet; 1852: Uncle Sam cartoon figure makese its debut; 1884: U.S. adopts Standard Time; 1887: Chester Greenwood patents earmuffs; 1888: Great Blizzard of, well, 1888; 1925: Tennessee makes it unlawful to teach evolution; 1961: Pablo Picasso (79) marries his model Jacqueline Rocque (37); 1965: Jeff Beck replaces Eric Clapton in the Yardbirds; 1993: Blizzard of, well, '93.

Dictionarium

Nachoos (noun, foodstuff); Just like regular nachos but with too much black pepper.

Weekend Newz

"Home Invasions or Space Invaders,
More Guns is the Only Solution"

Arming the International Space Station Astronauts Could Have Prevented Russian Meteor Tragedy, says NRA Prez Wayne LaPierre

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) Speaking to reporters Friday as news of the damage and injuries was still trickling in from Chelyabinsk, Russia, NRA president Wayne LaPierre cited the meteor's crash site as evidence that, "No meteor would dare hit the United States of America," LaPierre insisted, "Not so long as we not only manufacture and sell the sort of weaponry needed to fend off such a threat; but that those weapons are available freely and in volume to every citizen, and at attractively affordable prices."

"The only thing that can stop bad meteors is good astronauts with guns," continued LaPierre, urging NASA to arm all personnel on the International Space Station, "Ideally, American astronauts," LaPierre quickly added, "Barring that, only the arming of every citizen on the planet can guarantee our continued safety from the effects of objects falling from space."

Asked if this meant the people of Chelyabinsk, where the 7,000-ton meteor fell to the earth in a dramatic fireball, were somehow 'asking for it', LaPierre stated that his point was that, "Decades of government dictated communism had deprived them of gun ownership, leaving them without the firepower to protect themselves, something that the current talk about maybe looking into doing something symbolic and virtually unenforceable in regards gun regulation in the U.S. would surely lead to."

Mr. LaPierre abruptly ended the press conference when he received word that someone had "built a fire down on Main Street that needed to be shot full of holes." 

Elsewhere, gun rights advocate Alex Jones was seen shouting defiantly at the sky, daring it to drop anything his way and promising to blast it back to kingdom come, unless, of course, it was aimed at Piers Morgan.

Let's Just Leave Geraldo 'At Large' — Chris Christie

NJ Guv Nixes Sending 'Stash to the Senate

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (AFA NewsWire) Despite 48% of New Jersey Republicans adamantly stating that they wouldn't support him if he ran and only 26% of registered voters statewide offering a whiff of interest in seeing him get elected, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News commentator and radio host, continues to hint that he'll seek the senate seat being vacated by Frank Lautenberg, who is retiring after nearly 30 years in office. 

"Oh, like we haven't got enough trouble already," sighed a weary Governor Chris Christie upon hearing the news of Rivera's intentions at the state capitol in Trenton.

"We've got real problems that need real solutions," said Christie, "What we don't need is a big mustache attached to a bigger ego, entering the already overcrowded competition for Biggest Jackwad in Congress..." adding, "Call me back when Springsteen says he wants to run for the senate."

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About: Valentine's Day

The annual trotting out of this Ant Farmer's Almanac Valentine's Day Holidaze Classic! Read it aloud to someone you love. 

—Love and/or Kisses, Your Local Neighborhood Ant Farmer.

From the Vault: Shakespeare, Rattle & Roll

So, I figure, if they can dig up Richard III's bones, I could dig out this Richard III-themed mash-up from the Ant Farmer's vault. Here then, from 2004, Shakespeare, Rattle & Roll.

Dictionarium

Pawntificate [verb] the expression of opinion as fact intended to provoke the listener into actions beneficial to the speaker (or his employers) but detrimental to the listener's own best interest or welfare.

 

Dictionarium

Status Cling [noun] obsessive self-identification with social standing one does not currently hold (class, economic, celebrity); equally applicable to status aspired to or lost.

Dictionarium

Lip-Sinking: [verb] 
Continuing to speak after you've said something stupid and just making it worse.

 

So Long, Matthew, Thanks for All the Soap

Spoiler Alert (unless you've been paying attention): Midway through season three it's already widely known that Dan Steven's pivotal character Matthew Crawley will not appear in Downton Abbey's fourth season. What isn't widely known (yet) is how he will exit. Taking into account the series' reliance on historical events as plot devices (the Titanic, World War I, the 1918 flu epidemic) and its increasing sudsiness, here are some probably-not-that-outlandish possibilities...

In New York during the market crash of 1929, he is flattened by a falling stock broker.

Runs off to Morocco with Thomas, Downton's evil gay footman.

Disowned when he loses the family fortune by investing in a silent movie studio just weeks before the first talkie, he is reduced to working as an extra in B pictures; ironically, mostly playing snooty English butlers.

Expires in a tragic Charleston accident.

Anna bludgeons him to death with her umbrella when an offhand remark by Daisy reveals that he murdered Bates' first wife.

Mrs. Patmore's first attempt at fugu goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Locked up in the Tower of London by Edward VIII after being caught red-handed in a compromising position with Wallis Warfield Simpson.

Shanghai'd by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Rather than write him out of the show, the producers will periodically have a character ask, "Where's Matthew?" and another answer, "In the drawing room with . . ." then the name of some other character not onscreen at the moment.

Goaded by Ernest Hemingway into running with the bulls at Pamplona, he just isn't quite fast enough.

Autoerotic asphyxiation; albeit not his own.

Whatever happens, he is quickly replaced by his identical cousin from Brooklyn Heights. Wackiness ensues.

Top 10 Mayan New Year's Resolutions for 2013

(now that it turns out there's going to be one):

1: Lose 20 pounds

2: Make nice with the Aztecs

3: Blame all the end-of-the-world prophecy stuff on Nostradamus

4: Find that kick-ass guacamole recipe the space aliens left behind in the 6th b'ak'tun, copyright it and sketch out a marketing campaign ("Taste that's Out of This World!")

5: Resume lawsuit against the conquistadors

6: Save the rainforest, I guess

7: Pay down MasterCard bill for the big 12/21/12 "Goodbye(?)" Party

8: Update Facebook status from "So Long, Suckers!" to "Like" 14th B'ak'tun Community page

9: Start returning Mel Gibson's calls

10: From now on, just use the free calendar the local dry cleaners gives out

 

Seasonal Greetings!

While you're frantically wrapping all those Christmas presents the Mayans promised you wouldn't have to buy this year, here's our traditional Holidaze Classics from the Ant Farmer's vault (it used to be a bomb shelter but now it's where we store this stuff, right next to the snow tires and, hey look, an exercycle!).

7 Things You Didn't Know About: Mrs. Claus

Dylan Defenestrates Santa and other Sounds of the Season 

The show's gone, but not this parody: A Very House Christmas Episode

A Just Dessert You Won't Soon Forget, No Matter How Hard You Try. . . .

 

 

Guy's Bites the Big One

The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.

Here is one possibility . . .

INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY

Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.

Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!

JULIA CHILD

(with gusto)

Bon Jour!

 GUY FIERI

(Startled)

Julia Child!?!

JULIA CHILD

Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.

GUY FIERI

(Squinting at the TV)

Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

(Breaking character)

Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.

GUY FIERI

Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

Not on your life...

(Back in character as Julia Child)

Bon appetit!

The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark. 

On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.

REMI

Hi, guy, I'm here to....

GUY

(Jumps up, moritified)

Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?! 

REMI

But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!

GUY

(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)

Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...

REMI

(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)

But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...

Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.

Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.

GUY FIERI

Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!

ROBERT IRVINE

I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.

Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...

 ROBERT IRVINE

(choking and gagging on some bacon)

Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.

His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.

Paula Deen enters

PAULA DEEN

Hiya, sugar!

GUY FIERI

Hi, Paula!

PAULA DEEN

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"

She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.

 PAULA DEEN

Oh, come to momma... 

 (addressing Fieri)

I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."

Deen exits toward the kitchen

The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown. 

ALTON BROWN

Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.

GUY FIERI

(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)

And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?

ALTON BROWN

Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!

GUY FIERI

(Impatiently)

And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?

ALTON BROWN

Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.

GUY FIERI

(Suddenly more interested)

House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?

ALTON BROWN

That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...

GUY FIERI

(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")

Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...

ALTON BROWN

Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?

GUY FIERI

(On his cellphone)

Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease... 

ALTON BROWN

Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...

GUY FIERI

(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)

That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!

As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.

 GUY FIERI

(Speaking into cellphone)

Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard... 

(Going through cash drawer)

No, wait, make that cash...

 

Names for Clark Kent's Blog

Superman's alter ego, Clark Kent, has quit his day job at the Daily Planet newspaper and is likely headed for the internet. Here, some possible names for his web site.

Kent States

From the Phone Booth

LOLBird/Plane

I can haz kryponite?

YouPunyEarthWeaklingsDisgustMe.com

Kryptonetsy

Guess Who!

Truth, Justice. . . Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

Lois Lane Fan Site

Speeding Bulletins

 

 

Fairly Grim Tales is Now in Book Form!

My latest book, Fairly Grim Tales, is now available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble! Get your copy today, because my beachfront retirement property isn't gonna buy itself.

Newest Book Coming Out Soon...

My latest book, Fairly Grim Tales, comes out soon. In it, nine classic fables are given the reboot (they had it coming) and whisked away to a mythical, magical woodland where fairy tales really can come true, except when they go straight to DVD.

Visit the Now What Media booth at the New York ComicCon October 11 through 14 at the Javits Center. The author (yours truly) and illustrator (Tom Hachtman, scroll down to the "Get the F**k Back to Work entry with his drawing) will be on hand to sell 'n' sign books! Come on over, say "Hi," and purchase many, many copies of the book; hey, my beachfront retirement property isn't gonna buy itself.

 

More Fake Bob Dylan Quotes

"Klaatu barada nikto."

"I only worked part-time on Maggie's farm."

"Hurricane Carter took $50 out of my wallet when he thought I wasn't looking."

"Deezil, mayop ginchner hrrrrrn."*

"I thought twice, once. It wasn't alright."

"Next album, me and Justin Beiber cover Jan and Dean's biggest hits."

"To relax while on the tour bus, I handcraft leopard skin pill box hats that I sell on Etsy."

"Mr. Jones knew what was happening the whole time."

"Renaldo & Clara... what the hell was I thinking?"

"Jonah Lehrer is the best writer working today; a genius, better than me, even."

 

*May be actual quote.