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(DES MOINES AFA NewsWire) In the wake of a speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit that has even her most devoted followers shaking their heads in confusion, dismay and concern, a spokesperson for former Alaska governor and Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin offered up an explanation.
"Clearly," said, Sandra Cass, speaking to reporters at a Des Moines Marriott, "Ms. Palin was speaking in tongues, something she does when moved by the spirit which, coincidentally, is pretty much every time she's in front of a microphone," adding, "The truly devout understand this, if not what she's actually saying. Frankly, I'm surprised none of you figured it out before now.
"The problem had nothing to do with a busted teleprompter," stated Cass, "Fact is the poisonous snakes she was meant to be handling while she spoke didn't make it here to Iowa, thanks to the politically correct nanny state. When we tried to get them through airport security, Obama's jackbooted TSA thugs told us to take our motherf---ing snakes off their motherf---ing plane, which clearly violates as many as several of our Constitutionally guaranteed rights," added Cass, indignantly, "To say nothing of the rights of the snakes."
Richard Simmons' Wild Kingdom
Real Housewives of Vatican City
So You Think You Can Split Atoms
(AFA NEWSWIRE) Adding to the long list of comic book icons to die in recent years, Marvel Comics has announced that it will kill off Stan Lee at San Diego Comic-Con in July.
"He should feel honored, really," said a Marvel spokesman, "Everybody who's anybody in the comics world has died at least once; Superman, Batman, Captain America, Mr. Spock, Wolverine... "
Marvel is keeping the details of Lee's death secret, revealing only that it will be part of a dramatic, once-in-a-lifetime onstage event on the final day of Comic-Con.
Reached for comment at his home in Beverly Hills, California, Lee, 91, was non-plussed about his impending demise, stating, "I'm not too worried, Marvel characters tend not to stay dead for very long."
1752: First U.S. fire insurance policy issued (Philadelphia).
1927: Louis B. Mayer starts Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences; as meeting runs long, Mayer hums loudly at the long-winded speakers, hoping they'll get the hint.
1949: First Polaroid camera sold.
1959: Yankee catcher Yogi Berra's errorless streak of 148 games ends; somewhere a fat lady sings.
1968: Richard Harris releases MacArthur Park; listeners wonder if just maybe psychedelic rock hasn't gone too far.
1969: Monty Python forms.
1972: On the Dick Cavett Show, John Lennon claims that the FBI is tapping his phone; a voice offstage responds, "No we're not... oops."
1891: Carnegie Hall opens in New York; attendance is low, what with people not yet knowing how to get there.
1925: John T. Scopes arrested for teaching evolution in Tennessee.
1793: President George Washington attends the opening performance of Rickett's, the first circus in the U.S.; he notes in his diary that it was, "Almost as amusing as a session of Congress and they accomplished far more in less time."
1900: First known occurrence of word "hillbillie," in the New York Journal.
More Ways to Kill Off America's Favorite Teenager
Drafted into the army in the late '50s, Archie winds up in the same unit as Elvis. The two become pals and, in exchange for the promise of an early discharge from the military, volunteer for a special mission on a tropical island. The tropical island is Cuba and the mission turns out to be the Bay of Pigs invasion. In the chaos of battle, Archie takes a bullet for Elvis; his dying words to Presley are, "America needs you a lot more than it needs any more of me."
* * *
In 1968, eager to catch up with the changing times, Archie and the gang break their contract with DC Comics, sign on with Zap Comix and relocate to groovy San Francisco. But they quickly tire of being typecast as naive stooges bested by hippies. Frustrated at being a punchline The Archies go psychedelic -- musically and personally -- with disastrous results (only Jughead seems comfortable in his new surroundings). The band splits up and Archie goes solo in search of this enlightenment stuff he's heard so much about. On his way to India for an audience with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, he falls from a cliff while hiking in New Zealand.
* * *
When the Archies win a "Boppiest New Music Combo" contest on Dick Clark's American Bandstand, guest judge Buddy Holly invites them along as the opening act of his upcoming winter tour through the midwest, insisting there's room on the plane for everybody.
Dylan defenestrates Santa, Bing versus Bowie in a creepy Christmas carol smackdown, and a donkey lip syncs in Brooklyn for Sounds of the Season;
7 Things You Didn't Know About Mrs. Claus;
Hugh Laurie's TV show may be long gone, but not this holiday themed parody of it: A Very House Christmas Episode;
The recipe for a Just Dessert you won't soon forget, no matter how hard you try. . . .
and, new for this year:
As a public service to reassure you that nothing (nothing!) Disney can do to Lucas's space saga franchise could be any worse than this, we present the legendary, jaw-droppingly unwatchable and justly infamous Star Wars Holiday Special. Yes, this really happened. On purpose. On network television. On purpose. Somebody greenlighted this. We're linking only to Part 1 because chances are you'll never make it much past the opening credits, not that we're suggesting you even try. There isn't enough eggnogg in the world to get us to sit through it again.
betaphor noun \beh-tah-foare\
1: version of a metaphor that is almost finished (as in dingy sheep of the family) and is being used for testing
2: a riff on or secondary/expanded use of a well-known metaphor (as in Glenn Beck of the family)
1 Abundant, reflexive praise in response to statements made or sentiments expressed with which you agree or that it may benefit you to agree: the mayor's speech was met with echolades from the local paper run by his biggest re-election campaign contributor and recipient of generous municipal tax breaks.
• admiration of successful pandering from those who've been pandered to.
2 Call-and-response reinforcement of mutually held opinion as a method of drowning out dissent.
My fellow Americans, now is the time for all good book buying people to come to the aid of their country. We challenge you to help us reach our goal of making sure that every single member of congress has a copy of Go the F**k Back to Work! (a Now What Media book) as a reminder, in rude rhyme, that we've noticed what they're not doing (their jobs) and that we're not happy about it.
We're calling it "Book-Slapping"® and hope that it will at least clue these bozos into recognizing that we're paying attention and as fair warning that the 2014 mid-terms aren't all that far off.
So, whether your rep is a lemming in lockstep with the Thelma and Louise strategy of the GOP or one of the dithering Dem wringing their hands on the sidelines, send them this book today.
We won't rest until every one of the 535 members of congress has their own copy of this book. We'll take a quick nap, maybe and tomorrow we've got to go out for groceries but we won't rest!
That's 535 copies, one congressional district at a time. Isn't America's future worth $12? We think so.
If you meet someone on the road who's just killed the buddha, should you call the cops?
If you meet the buddha at a fork in the road, what are you supposed to do?
If you meet the buddha in the road and kill him, can you use road rage as a defense?
If you meet the buddha on the road just as a chicken is crossing, do you have to kill both of them so there's no witnesses?
If you meet the buddha at a Starbucks or something but he's reading On the Road, can you still kill him?
If the buddha becomes a Rhodes Scholar, does he have to kill himself?
If you meet the buddha on the road and kill him, you can say he thought you were the buddha and claim self defense.
If you meet the buddha while off-roading, can you just run over him?
If you meet the buddha on the road and kill him but it turns out it was really the buddha's identical twin, then what?
Every time Willie Nelson sings, "On the Road Again" the buddha dies inside a little.
If you meet someone on the road who insists they're the buddha, they're probably just suicidal and you shouldn't kill them.
If you meet the buddha in the road, and he realizes you're going to kill him and runs away, should you chase him down to kill him?
If you meet the buddha on the road and don't want to kill him, does giving him an atomic wedgie count for anything?
If you're with someone else and you meet the buddha on the road, does one of you hold him down while the other kills him, and how do you decide who does what?
What if you meet the buddha on the road but he's a master of disguise and you don't recognize him? Are you in trouble or something?
If you're at gas station and the buddha comes in asking for directions, should you kill him right then and there or wait until he's back on the road?
If you meet the buddha in the road and he's getting hassled by bullies, should you make them stop being mean to him before you kill him?
If you meet the buddha on the road and he's already dead, is it okay to take his wallet?
Until he invented three-point perspective, there were only two dimensions.
Eggs Florentine? His idea.
Painted the Mona Lisa from memory, with his eyes closed, and using his right hand (he was left-handed).
When he was in Rome, Romans did as him.
In his spare time, wrote plays under the pseudonym "Shakespeare".
Bred chickens that had lips.
If he visited the Vatican, the Pope gave him the bedroom and slept on the couch.
The Renaissance was named after his being a Renaissance man, not the other way around.
Had an unlimited line of credit with every merchant in Venice.
Was so far ahead of his time, his inventions were obsolete by the time the technology existed to build them.
This moment in Da Vinci History is brought to you by my latest book, The Da Vinci Cold, or Chicken Soup for the Renaissance Man's Soul, from the mighty publishing juggernaut that is the Now What Media empire, and is on sale now at Amazon.com and finally at Barnes & Noble where they're offering it at a pretty sweet discount.