My Dog, Roscoe, Describes How He Would Have Eaten My Socks and Got Into the Trash—If He Had.
First, let me point out — again — that I am absolutely, positively 100% not guilty. To accuse me of something you didn't actually see me do is just wrong and more than a little insulting. But, since you seem so fixated on the matter, I will indulge you and hypothesize.
I don't know how the wire-mesh trash can under your desk got knocked over or how the wax paper in it smeared with remnants of the donuts you had for "breakfast" this morning while checking your email got chewed up and strewn around the rug. A rug that is way on the other side of the room, I might add. As to the relative merits of those donuts as a morning meal, the less said the better. Tasty, yes, but not nearly as filling as you'd expect them to be and not the sort of thing you should start the day with. That's why I — if I had — would have waited until at least almost noon to tip over the trash can which, by the way, is so much easier when it's filled to overflowing, the way you routinely leave it. The thing was about to fall over by itself. The slightest breeze could have done it. All I would have needed to do — if I had done anything — would be gently nudge it with my nose and wait for the crash. Which would have been surprisingly loud. If I'd been anywhere near it at the time. Which I wasn't.
In regards the socks, T-shirt and shorts tossed carelessly on the bedroom floor when you left for work Monday, after wearing them all weekend without showering and that gave off a potpourri of Old Spice, cigars and your scent... I cannot begin to fathom how you justify believing I had anything to do with rolling around on, then gnawing them. When you came in Monday evening I was waiting by the front door like always — you saw me there, remember? You almost fell over me — while the items in question were in the bedroom all the way at the back of the apartment! Hello! Do I have an evil twin now? Is there a dog around here that looks just like me but with a goatee? I don't see one.
This may sound like I'm trying to pass the buck, and the last thing I want to do is blame the victim, although you seem pretty quick to point fingers. We could debate all night who, exactly, is at fault here and for what. You have to admit that leaving such temptations out in the open for anyone — whomever it might have been — to get at so easily is kind of asking for it. I realize that you're still angry and don't want to talk about this anymore. Fine. Neither do I. What's done is done. Let's not dwell on the past. It isn't healthy. Let's just put this incident — unpleasant as it is — behind us and get me outside where I can pee on stuff.
Amendment to Godwin's Law Makes Soviet Dictator New Symbol of Pure Evil
ZURICH, Switzerland (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) After more than 60 years as the world's undisputed embodiment of evil, often surpassing even the Devil himself, Adolph Hitler is being replaced by Josef Stalin.
Pundits, journalists, bloggers and the general public have been put on notice that, as of the first Monday of next month, any and all mentions of Hitler for purposes of demonization must now be substituted with a reference to Stalin, the long-time dictator of the Soviet Union, mass-murderer and oppressor of peoples-extraordinaire.
"We felt it was time for a change," said Verne Bose, of the Godwin Institute in Zurich, Switzerland. "Invoking Hitler's name has become completely trivialized, a rhetorical shark jump," continued Bose, "Most people's reaction to hearing his name anymore is to roll their eyes and sigh, 'Again with Hitler.' And that isn't good."
It is hoped that the change will spark renewed and genuine outrage into public discourse.
Although "Uncle Joe" wasn't the only despot nominated — candidates included Pol Pot, Slobodan Milosevic and Simon Cowell — Stalin's track record of malfeasance and brutality on such a grand scale made him the clear favorite. "More deaths, bigger moustache," shrugged Bose, "It was a no-brainer, really."
In a press release announcing the transition, the Institute's board of trustees acknowledged Hitler's many years of service and expressed confidence in Stalin's ability to really piss people off.
In the Law &
Order television franchise, people are entertained by two
separate yet equally important groups: The three domestic U.S.
programs, made by, about and for Americans, and the Overseas
Spinoffs, adapted to suit the cultural sensibilities of the
countries in which they are
These are their stories . . .
LAW & ORDER: China
World-weary, middle-aged detective Lao Chen of the
Peoples' Criminal Intent Unit, crouches over the crushed
body of a young man in Tianenman Square, found there with
military tank tread marks across his back.
Obviously a suicide. Nothing more to see here.
To the uniformed cops milling around behind him)
And get this mess cleaned up. Now! Today!
Before the Olympics!
LAW & ORDER: India
World-weary, middle-aged detective inspector Patel,
of the Mumbai Special Vindaloo Unit arrives at an
outdoor wedding reception. The groom's mother is trying
to ignite the bride's dress with a Bic lighter. The
bride is still wearing the dress.
Damned fireproof Chinese silk! If I'd known her
family had this kind of money I would have gotten
on a bigger dowry!
Madam, please forgive the intrusion, but are you
attempting to burn down your son's new wife for
the insurance money?
Tossing away lighter
Suspicious, but not wanting to cause a
scene, what with the appetizers having just
You are aware that
such practices are frowned upon these
days and brides are not so much
considered property to be disposed of at
I have a receipt!
Pulls the Bic lighter,
still at full flame, from
plateful of chicken
Nevertheless, how do you
startled, then breaks into
style song and dance
number. The entire wedding
party, including the bride
and Inspector Patel,
quickly join in. This goes
on for several hours until
everyone is swept off in a