Sudden Demand for Rioting Villager-Accessories Sparks Market Rally
Reportedly furious over bailed-out companies' CEO bonuses, fed-up citizens gathered spontaneously and began marching toward the symbolic capitol of capitalism.
When news that the approaching hordes were carrying the pitchforks and torches traditionally wielded by angry mobs, stock prices for both items spiked, resulting in a 72% rise in gardening and home improvement holdings.
Estimates of its size jumped from the 100,000s to the millions as the crowd spilled into New York City, bringing traffic to a standstill while gaining strength and numbers as it rushed headlong down Broadway and made the sharp turn onto the narrow concrete canyon that is Wall Street.
One broker, taken by surprise outside the stock exchange, was heard to cry out, "Tell my wife I sold high!" before being overrun by the stampede.
When word reached the NYSE that the crowd was shouting, "String 'em up!" shares in rope and lamp-posts shot up 39%.
At the closing bell and with the mob repeatedly ramming the building's fortresslike front doors with a downed telephone pole, the Dow was up 356 points.