1863 William Randolph Hearst; 1899 Duke Ellington; 1907 Fred Zinnemann; 1909 Tom Ewell; 1951 Dale Earnhardt; 1952 Nora Dunn; 1954 Jerry Seinfeld; 1955 Kate Mulgrew; 1958 Daniel Day-Lewis, Michelle Pfeiffer; 1970 Andre Agassi.
THE NORTH POLE (AFA NewsWire) The day after the Wall Street Journal reported that Apple's iPhone and iPad as well as Google's HTC Android track and transmit the locations of their users for storage in the companies' databases comes the startling revelation of another application in these devices that gauges user behavior, determining activity as "naughty" or "nice."
The application, iCU, developed by Kringle Surveillance Systems and dubbed the "Santa-App," uploads its findings to a vast bank of computers in the Artic Circle, where it is analyzed to determine each phone users' "gift-recipient eligibility."
At a press conference Kringle's public relations director Ann Elph would not address reporters' questions regarding what standard of ethics and/or morality the application is calibrated by or whether crying and pouting still qualify as "naughty." Elph focused instead on the precision of iCU's metrics, "Our information is absolutely accurate," emphasized Elph, "We check it twice. If you doubt iCU's evaluative veracity, think back to what was under your tree last Christmas, and ask yourself if you really, truly deserved anything better."
In response to questions about the iCU being an actionable violation of phone users' constitutional right to privacy, Elph pointed out that, "Hey, you agreed to it. It's not a secret; it's right there in the contract's small print -- subsection eight, paragraph three of the Santa Clause," adding with a sigh, "Maybe you should try actually reading these things, for once... there's all kinds of crap in there you wouldn't like if you knew about it."
iPhone case by designer Thomas Hooper and available for sale. They're very cool and you should get one. Tell him the Ant Farmer's Almanac sent you. He won't know what you mean, but still.
1509: Henry VIII ascends to English throne; say what you will about him but he really did seem to enjoy being king.
1793: President George Washington attends the opening performance of Rickett's, the first circus in the U.S.; he notes in his diary that it was, "Almost as amusing as a session of Congress and they accomplished far more in less time."
1900: First known occurrence of word "hillbillie," in the New York Journal.
1932: President Herbert Hoover proposes the five day work week; congress responds, "Oh, no you don't! We're not working another two whole days!" (pictured above, President and Mrs. Hoover thanking God it's Friday.)
1997: Nickelodeon premieres The Angry Beavers. Write your own joke.