Ant Farmer's Almanac

New iPhone App Tracks User Naughtiness, Niceness

THE NORTH POLE (AFA NewsWire) The day after the Wall Street Journal reported that Apple's iPhone and iPad as well as Google's HTC Android track and transmit the locations of their users for storage in the companies' databases comes the startling revelation of another application in these devices that gauges user behavior, determining activity as "naughty" or "nice."

The application, iCU, developed by Kringle Surveillance Systems and dubbed the "Santa-App," uploads its findings to a vast bank of computers in the Artic Circle, where it is analyzed to determine each phone users' "gift-recipient eligibility."

At a press conference Kringle's public relations director Ann Elph would not address reporters' questions regarding what standard of ethics and/or morality the application is calibrated by or whether crying and pouting still qualify as "naughty." Elph focused instead on the precision of iCU's metrics, "Our information is absolutely accurate," emphasized Elph, "We check it twice. If you doubt iCU's evaluative veracity, think back to what was under your tree last Christmas, and ask yourself if you really, truly deserved anything better."

In response to questions about the iCU being an actionable violation of phone users' constitutional right to privacy, Elph pointed out that, "Hey, you agreed to it. It's not a secret; it's right there in the contract's small print -- subsection eight, paragraph three of the Santa Clause," adding with a sigh, "Maybe you should try actually reading these things, for once... there's all kinds of crap in there you wouldn't like if you knew about it." 

 iPhone case by designer Thomas Hooper and available for sale. They're very cool and you should get one. Tell him the Ant Farmer's Almanac sent you. He won't know what you mean, but still.

In Memorium

Milton M. Levine, the man who invented the ant farm, has died at the age of 92. RIP, Mr. Levine, without you, this site would probably have some really silly name.

7 Sure-Fire Signs That That Rock Band You Used to Really Like is Over the Hill

1: There are fewer than two surviving members onstage from the original group.

2: Band now has a horn section, all of whom inexplicably wear porkpie hats. Also, the obligatory trio of sexy, girl back-up singers move in unison and clap along to the songs they're not in just to stay awake. 

3: Front man performs second half of set from a Laz-Boy® recliner.

4: Their tribute band that you saw at a water park last summer sounded more convincing.

5: The Hell's Angels working security don't knife anybody.

6: The songs from "their latest album" that you've never heard of are just awful.

7: You found out about the concert and got tickets for it through AARP.

Today in Yesteryear

1836: Martin Van Buren is elected as the eighth president of the United States and then is never heard from again.

Voices You Don't Ever Want to Hear Coming Out of Your GPS:

 

Gilbert Gottfried

 Fran Drescher

  Elmo

   Chewbacca

    Jar-Jar Binks

     Marcel Marceau

      Your mom

Justin Bieber 3-D Biopic to Star Hilary Swank

Film Will Premiere Valentine's Day 2011, Just in Case You Won't Already Be Depressed Enough on That Day 

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) Paramount Pictures has confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that Justin Bieber's life story will be the subject of a 3-D movie, and is slated to have Hilary Swank in the lead role as the teen singing sensation.

Although Swank's spokespeople could not be reached for comment, her resemblance to Bieber and previous portrayals of teenaged boys make her the front runner. Some, however, insist that Swank's looks are simply "too boyish" to convincingly play Justin.

Set to open on Valentine's Day 2011, the movie is as yet untitled, but is likely to share the name of Bieber's forthcoming memoir, First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The chapter on how he finds 'spelling and stuff' to be, "Like, really hard" is expected to provide the film's emotional core.

Whether the home video of Justin's birth will be included is up to the director. Rumors that Bieber's parents have and will allow use of footage of his conception are unconfirmed.

City of Cleveland Declares Itself Free Agent, Seeks Offers from Better Climates

With LeBron James Heading to Miami, Clevelanders Find No Reason to Remain

CLEVELAND (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) In the wake of LeBron James' leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat, the City of Cleveland is now hoping to relocate to another part of the country; preferably one with milder winters.

"We're devastated, of course," says Thom Katt, professor of socio-anthropology at Case Western University, "But, for most of us, this is just the final of many last straws. Given the choice, most of us would move to Miami, too," adding, "And for millions and millions and millions of dollars, well duh! I mean, ask me again in February, I'd pay you to get me out of here! And I've got tenure!" Katt shuddered at the memory of frigid winter winds coming in from Lake Erie, muttering to himself, "So cold. So cold..."

As similar sentiments were expressed throughout the city, from Shaker Heights to Broadview Heights, Richmond Heights to Garfield Heights and University Heights to Middleburg Heights, the city council was called in to emergency session to discuss relocation offers from a large tract of marshland on the Louisiana Gulf Coast and several stretches of Arizona along the border with Mexico.

Although Drew Carey could not be reached for comment, his publicist's intern issued a statement wishing the Price is Right host's hometown all the best, confidently asserting that, "No matter where it winds up, Cleveland will probably still rock!" asking, "That is the place that rocks, right?"

It is not clear whether nearby Chagrin Falls would be included in the move.

BP Hires Kevin Costner

Oil Company to Turn Disaster Into Disastrous Flick

LOS ANGELES (AFA NewsWire) In the effort to stem both the flow of its oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico and the tide of bad publicity surrounding it, BP has hired Hollywood star Kevin Costner to aid with damage control.

Costner, whose company invented a device that separates oil from seawater, has been offering his clean-up services since the crisis began.

A BP spokesman acknowledged, however, that the company's true motive in hiring the Academy Award-winner is to have him direct and star in a movie — tentatively titled Waterwhirled — about the Gulf spill that they feel confident will be so overblown, ponderous, overly-long and hard to follow that everyone will forget all about any oil-soaked pelicans.

"It's the perfect solution," says BP spokesman Mark Evally, "Nobody likes disasters, but everyone likes disaster movies," adding, "Even bad ones. Plus, we'll save a bundle on special effects."

Evally would neither confirm or deny that Bruce Willis had also been signed on to the project.

Next Summer's Summer Movies! A Preview!

A Sneak Peak at What Blockbuster Entertainments Hollywood Will Fling Our Way for the Summer of 2011!

 

BP Hires Those Mentos & Coke Zero Guys

"At Least They Know a Little Something About Controlling Gushers," Experts Say

NEW ORLEANS (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Sources close to Fritz Grobe an Stephen Voltz, better known as Eepybird, say the duo has been tapped by British Petroleum in regards the ongoing Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Renowned for their wacky experiments demonstrating the propulsive power of Mentos-fueled Coke Zero®, the pair has gained internet fame for videos that show them creating a domino effect,  a "dancing fountain" and powering a vehicle using just the soda and candy. 

It isn't known what exactly BP intends for Grobe and Voltz to do. There is speculation that they are part of some outside-the-box scheme to plug the gushing hole. 

Far likelier is that BP means to capitalize on the huge number of hits its underwater web cams of the leak are getting by adding an additional video feed that is more entertaining as well as having a beginning, middle and — most importantly — an end.

Rumors that the Mythbusters team had been summoned to the White House for consultation could not be confirmed at press time.

Move Over Inkblots!

Satellite Photos of Gulf Spill to be New Rorschach Test

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) The latest trend in psychological testing has researchers showing satellite images of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, then interpreting subjects' responses for insight into personality traits.

"Those blotchy ink blots were so out of date," said Dan Ondah, head of RoarShack® Lab Testing Services, "These oil spill pictures offer up a more marketable demographic profile."

Example results include:

67% of political progressives shown the picture clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in environmental damage, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

72% of self-described libertarians saw in the pictures clear evidence of government's inability to do anything right and 28% saw proof that government shouldn't be doing anything in the first place, with a crossover of 39% seeing both. 

62% of self-described fundamentalist evangelicals saw the face of the Virgin Mary, 29% saw the face of Pat Robertson and 9% saw the face of Dick Cheney. 

98.6% of self-described hard-right neocons saw clear evidence of President Obama's failure to lead, 12% of that 98.6% also saw an unfortunate-but-unavoidable-and-totally-not-anybody's-fault-so-get-off-the-oil-industry's-back-about-it accident, with the remaining 2.4% seeing the face of Dick Cheney. 

43% of Tea Partiers reacted by shouting angry slogans and 57% held up misspelled signs.

37% of Hollywood celebrities saw their next cause to champion, 61% asked "What's my motivation?" with 2% asking if this counted toward their community service.

88% of gulf coast beach-front home owners saw falling property values.

A northward-bound migrating goose shown the picture began checking maps for alternate routes to Canada.

Seven blind men asked to describe the image by touch alone all agreed that it was an elephant.

67% of oil company executives clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in lost profits, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

First Butt Photocopied at Office Party the Following Week

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On This Day in History...

1959: The Barbie doll is introduced, forever warping girls' ideas about how a woman is supposed to look. It also warps boys' ideas about how a woman is supposed to look, and kicks off a fierce, decades'-long race among plastic surgeons to see who can create the most gravity defying bazoomage. 

State of the Union to be Sponsored by Apple iPad

Prez's Speech Rescheduled to Coordinate with Steve Jobs' iPad Rollout, Not to Avoid Conflict with Season Premiere of Lost, as Previously Reported 

WASHINGTON DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) As President Barack Obama's first State of the Union address approaches, documents alleging a product placement deal between the White House and Apple, Inc. are swirling around Capitol Hill.

Although sketchy about the amount or manner of remuneration, word is that during tonight's speech, and only hours after it was unveiled by Steve Jobs, the president will have with him a new iPad.

According to the rumored deal's rumored terms and conditions, the president will, "Personally carry the iPad to the podium," and do so in "...a strategic manner that makes the device and its logo visible from several camera angles"

Furthermore, it is stipulated that during his speech the president, "Glance down at his iPad as if referring to notes at least twice," and at some point, "Smile contentedly and remark, 'This thing is great; everybody should get one' and 'I wish we'd invested in these instead of GM'".

Inside-the-Beltway bloggers are also reporting that John Hodgeman, who plays the hapless PC in Apple's ad campaign, will be in attendance and will shout, "You lie!" from the gallery when the president makes his flattering remarks about the iPad.

Thanks, But We'll Stick With the Double-Stuffed Oreos Dipped in Eggnog

Charles Phoenix bakes a "Cherpumple".

Today in History...

1967: Displaying the sort of business savvy that will mark the company's entire history, the Beatles' Apple Records signs up the band "Grapefruit," whose only claim to fame is that it was the first band Apple Records ever signed up.

 

Turquoise is the New Black

Pantone Picks 2010 Color of the Year

CARLSTADT, NJ (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Stating that it "...transports us to an exciting, tropical paradise while offering a sense of protection and healing in stressful times," Pantone Color Systems has announced that turquoise is the Color of the Year for 2010.

Turquoise succeeds 2009's mimosa yellow, and will be the go-to color for designers and artists of all types, fashion, graphic or crafts, and the default choice for anyone too tired to make a decision.

The news sent makers of fancy cowboy belt buckles and Southwest-themed jewelry rushing to check their inventory of the blue-green stone and the sterling silver into which it is traditionally set.

Reached for comment at her Santa Fe, New Mexico workshop, Monica "Full Moon Woman" Munchausen, was delighted about the choice. "I could just plotz!" she exclaimed while yanking any red, black or yellow feathers from the authentic native American dreamcatchers she's made then carefully replacing each with turquoise colored ones, "I'll have these babies on every rear-view mirror from here to Malibu."

As is the case every year, if, for any reason, turquoise is unable to fulfill its duties as Color of the Year the first runner-up — tomato puree this time around — will step in and finish out whatever remains of the term.

Sesame Street Nixes New "Cougar" Muppet

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Plans for a new Sesame Street character named "Mercury the Cougar," have been hastily scrapped after the would-be Muppet got fiercely negative responses from focus groups. 

Intended to be part of a year-long "Over 40" theme celebrating the show's 40th year on the air, Mercury was a muppet-of-a-certain-age with a mountain lion-inspired face and an eye for the younger set. 

Test audiences, however, were revolted by the character's baby-doll negligee that revealed sheer black stockings, garter belt and merry widow underneath. Reactions to Mercury's breathily voiced attentions toward Elmo and flirtatious manner with Big Bird ranged from "Ewwwwww" and "That's just wrong in so many ways" to audience members rushing the stage to attack the puppeteers.

Wardrobe aside, it may have been Mercury's ever-present wine spritzer and her catchphrase, "Happy to see me or just glad it's not Jeff Dunham's arm up your ass?" that proved to be the last straw. 

Sources inside the venerable children's show production company say that all of the prototypes for Mercury have been disassembled and an intern has been assigned to monitor YouTube for any test footage that might have got out of the studio. 

In Other News: Facebook will now allow linking to imaginary friends.

Pitchfork and Torch Stocks Skyrocket as Angry Mob Storms Wall Street

Sudden Demand for Rioting Villager-Accessories Sparks Market Rally 

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Trading on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange went into a wild frenzy today with prices in the torch and pitchfork sectors soaring as news spread of an angry mob heading for Wall Street.

Reportedly furious over bailed-out companies' CEO bonuses, fed-up citizens gathered spontaneously and began marching toward the symbolic capitol of capitalism.

When news that the approaching hordes were carrying the pitchforks and torches traditionally wielded by angry mobs, stock prices for both items spiked, resulting in a 72% rise in gardening and home improvement holdings.

Estimates of its size jumped from the 100,000s to the millions as the crowd spilled into New York City, bringing traffic to a standstill while gaining strength and numbers as it rushed headlong down Broadway and made the sharp turn onto the narrow concrete canyon that is Wall Street. 

One broker, taken by surprise outside the stock exchange, was heard to cry out, "Tell my wife I sold high!" before being overrun by the stampede.

When word reached the NYSE that the crowd was shouting, "String 'em up!" shares in rope and lamp-posts shot up 39%.

At the closing bell and with the mob repeatedly ramming the building's fortresslike front doors with a downed telephone pole, the Dow was up 356 points.

Blogroll (kinda)

Julie Jackson, friend, haiku master (haiku mistress?), creator of Subversive Cross Stitch and other fine bits of hilarity, has a new book out: Glamourpuss, The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs. 

Buy it online before the bookstores get too crowded. Oh, and there's a cat-in-a-wig-themed haiku in it by me.

In other news:

Bill Gates has given up his Facebook page because he had "too many friends"; he also suspected that they really just wanted him to do their math homework for them.

As the 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Music Festival approaches, people who attended the event will stop and reflect in awe that Max Yasgur didn't just turn the hose on them and tell them to get the hell off his lawn.