Ant Farmer's Almanac

Sneak Peak at Palin Book Cover

The Ant Farmer's Almanac has obtained a copy of what we believe to be a possible cover design for Sarah Palin's forthcoming memoir Going Rogue: An American Life. While this may not be the cover that gets used, we have been assured that it was near the top of the pile on the art director's desk.

NY Gov Nixes eBay Auction of Clinton Senate Seat

Scratch-Off Lottery Game Will Determine Next NY Senator

ALBANY, NY (AFA Newswire) New York Governor David Paterson has put the kibosh on a planned eBay auction of Secretary of State nominee Hillary Clinton's senate seat.

The no-reserve auction was to start Monday and run for five days with the highest bidder becoming the next junior senator from New York; providing that he or she was also at least 30 years old, has been a U.S. citizen for at least nine years and is a resident of New York State.

Explaining that, although money from the winning bid (excluding PayPal charges) was intended to help reduce the state's budget deficit, since the scandal broke over Governor Rod Blagojevich's attempts to sell president-elect Barack Obama's Illinois senate seat, "It began to seem like maybe not the best idea we've ever had," according to a spokesman for Paterson.

The same spokesman would neither confirm or deny that the auction was also called off over widespread fears that Donald Trump would wait until the last minute then outbid everybody else by several million dollars.

Clinton's senate seat will instead be filled through a limited edition scratch-off game called "I See DC."

West Winging It

Aaron Sorkin Named White House Creative Consultant

WASHINGTON (AFA Newswire) President-elect Barack Obama's transition team confirmed today that award-winning television writer/producer Aaron Sorkin has been hired as a "creative consultant".

"We already get compared to The West Wing," says an Obama spokesman, "So we thought, hey, that show got pretty good ratings and was on for two terms, so why not just run with it."

Immediately upon his arrival in Washington last Tuesday Mr. Sorkin began work plotting out the breed, name and story arc of the new First Dog. Although this task is said to now be complete (the smart money is on a dachshund), details are being kept under wraps until the dramatic reveal in a must-see, two-part press conference in prime time.

Mr. Sorkin next added a critical step to the Obama administration's already rigorous vetting process — the "pedeconferencing" audition.

Once a job applicant's closet is declared skeleton-free, they are paired up for a series of elimination rounds in which they run through a trademark West Wing Walk-and-Talk, spouting rapid-fire banter and extended soliloquies with a colleague on a serious topic, but peppered with witty repartee and interjections of obscure historical and pop culture minutiae while walking at a brisk pace through a seemingly endless maze of corridors and hallways.

Their performances are scrutinized and scored by Sorkin, Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, a focus group and, for some reason, Heidi Klum.

"By now anyone hoping to work in the White House should be able to do this handily," says Mr. Emanuel, "What we're looking for is an exceptionally high skill level."

Those who make the cut advance to the next round, the rest are sent home. Insiders report that Hillary Clinton "Totally aced it; it was like she'd been doing this for years," whereas Bill Richardson squeaked by only because his scene partner spilled coffee.

Also taken into account is the ability to maintain unrequited crushes on or remain charmingly clueless about unrequited crushes from co-workers. That, and the willingness to do the job day after day knowing that you will never receive an Emmy nomination for it.

Heckuva Note

McCain Replaces Palin on Ticket with Michael Brown

WASHINGTON (AFA Newswire) At a hastily called press briefing in Juneau today, embattled Republican vice presidential candidate and Alaska governor Sarah Palin announced she was resigning from the McCain campaign, effective immediately.

Governor Palin cited the need to "spend more quality time with my family and the Alaska State attorney general."

Less than an hour after Palin's withdrawal, John McCain held a press conference in Washington, D.C. to introduce his new running mate, Arabian Horse expert and former FEMA Director Michael "Heckuva Job" Brown.

McCain spoke at length of Brown's abilities and judgement, noting, "He knows a disaster when he's in one," and "After 11 years of looking at horse's asses, he's well equipped to deal with congress."

The Arizona senator would not answer questions about the sudden departure of Governor Palin, stating only that, "From here on, she speaks for herself. Really, we've got nothing to do with it anymore."

Asked if Palin had been "thrown under the bus" for the good of the campaign, a highly placed McCain staffer, replied, "We thought of that, yeah, but decided it was too... Oh, you mean figuratively ... Eh, pfft, no. I mean, [cough]... This is off the record, right?"

Brown did not address the assembled reporters — he is scheduled for a round of interviews on Fox News over the next several days — but he did make dinner reservations and pick out half-a-dozen neckties while McCain spoke. A 3x5 note card found under his chair after the event contained doodles of horses on one side and the words "McCain/Brown '08," and "Brown '012," scribbled on the other.

You Might Be an Elitist if:

Confused by all the current talk about elitists? Would you even know one if you saw one? Could you possibly be one yourself? 

The handy checklist below may have the answers you seek. If not, consult your nearest Magic 8 Ball.

You Might Be an Elitist if . . .

Di Hard Support

LARRY KING: We're in the studio live with Arianna Huffington and Donald Trump.

Tonight's topic, Barack Obama or John McCain; Who would Princess Diana have supported?

Arianna, who do you think she would have backed?

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: Well, Larry, setting aside that she's dead and was British and couldn't vote in the U.S., I think she would have leaned toward...

LARRY KING: How about Anna Nicole Smith?

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: What about her?

LARRY KING: She was American, wasn't she? Who would she support?

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: Eh, she's kind of dead, too...

LARRY KING: Donald Trump, your thoughts?

DONALD TRUMP: You know, Larry, beautiful women are attracted to powerful men — especially rich and powerful men, let me tell you — whether we're running for office or not. They just can't get enough of me. As I write in my latest book...

LARRY KING: First caller, you're on the air.

FEMALE CALLER: Hi, Larry. It's Hilla... I mean Valerie, first-time caller from, eh, not Chappaqua, from, oh, what's the name of that town just north... Mount something, Kisco, yeah, Valerie from Mt. Kisco.

LARRY KING: Okay, Valerie from Not-Chappaqua, who would Princess Di have supported?

VALERIE: She would definitely have backed me — damn — I mean, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, as should most intelligent, ambitious women — especially those whose aspirations and accomplishments have been overshadowed and undermined by their husbands reckless personal behavior; to say nothing of the pain and humiliation I've suffered because of it.

LARRY KING: Next caller, you're on the air.

MALE CALLER: Eh, yeah, Larry this is Bi, uh, Biff, yeah, Biff, also from Not-Chappaqua, and I think Diana would support Obama, but only after being denied the chance to vigorously and enthusiastically campaign for my wi — I mean, Hillary Clinton; and, of course, depending on what the meaning of the word 'support' is.

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: McCain, definitely.

LARRY KING: Which?

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: Anna Nicole. I mean, her modus operandi was to latch onto a rich older man in poor health then outlive him; she would almost certainly view Sarah Palin as her surrogate and, therefore, naturally back McCain.

ALL: [Murmurs of agreement, 'Sounds about right,' etc.]

LARRY KING: Up next: The Chinese Olympians who failed to win medals at the Beijing games and were shot out of cannons at the closing ceremonies. A heckuva show, yes, but, did they have it coming? Your thoughts after the break.

Juneau

INTERIOR. ALASKAN GOVERNOR'S MANSION - KITCHEN - MORNING

(The governor and her husband are at the breakfast table eating scrambled eggs and moose sausage. Their teenage daughter enters)

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

I have no idea how to spit this out...

 

GOVERNOR

Did you get expelled from school?

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

No.

 

GOVERNOR'S HUSBAND

You didn't sign a Green Peace petition opposing ANWR drilling, did you?

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

No.

 

GOVERNOR

Do we need to call a lawyer?

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

No, but you might want to hire a high-profile family spokesman.

 

GOVERNOR

You didn't make a YouTube video praising Barack Obama!

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

No. God, no... I'm, I'm pregnant.

 

(The governor and her husband are momentarily speechless)

 

GOVERNOR

(shouting)

Who's the father!

 

GOVERNOR'S HUSBAND

Put down the shotgun, honey, you're not vice president yet.

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

Don't worry, we're getting married.

 

GOVERNOR AND HUSBAND, IN UNISON

Damn right, you are!

 

GOVERNOR

(Sinks back in chair, deflated)

Oh, my God, what are we, the Spears? The Lohans? The Judds?

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

I'm not ready to be a mother.

 

GOVERNOR

I'm not ready to be a grandmother!

 

GOVERNOR'S HUSBAND

You're not ready to be vice president, either but here we are.

 

GOVERNOR

What about that abstinence-only program I put in your high school?

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

Maybe I'm dyslexic.

 

GOVERNOR'S HUSBAND

We are gonna need some serious spinning.

 

GOVERNOR

Well, Cheney's daughter is a lesbian. This might be seen as a step up. I'd better get Karl Rove on the phone.

 

GOVERNOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER

I think I'm gonna be sick.

 

Stay tuned for the sequel, My Big, Fat, Blair House Wedding, coming spring 2009.