Ant Farmer's Almanac

Guy's Bites the Big One

The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.

Here is one possibility . . .

INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY

Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.

Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!

JULIA CHILD

(with gusto)

Bon Jour!

 GUY FIERI

(Startled)

Julia Child!?!

JULIA CHILD

Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.

GUY FIERI

(Squinting at the TV)

Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

(Breaking character)

Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.

GUY FIERI

Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

Not on your life...

(Back in character as Julia Child)

Bon appetit!

The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark. 

On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.

REMI

Hi, guy, I'm here to....

GUY

(Jumps up, moritified)

Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?! 

REMI

But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!

GUY

(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)

Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...

REMI

(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)

But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...

Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.

Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.

GUY FIERI

Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!

ROBERT IRVINE

I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.

Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...

 ROBERT IRVINE

(choking and gagging on some bacon)

Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.

His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.

Paula Deen enters

PAULA DEEN

Hiya, sugar!

GUY FIERI

Hi, Paula!

PAULA DEEN

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"

She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.

 PAULA DEEN

Oh, come to momma... 

 (addressing Fieri)

I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."

Deen exits toward the kitchen

The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown. 

ALTON BROWN

Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.

GUY FIERI

(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)

And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?

ALTON BROWN

Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!

GUY FIERI

(Impatiently)

And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?

ALTON BROWN

Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.

GUY FIERI

(Suddenly more interested)

House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?

ALTON BROWN

That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...

GUY FIERI

(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")

Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...

ALTON BROWN

Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?

GUY FIERI

(On his cellphone)

Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease... 

ALTON BROWN

Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...

GUY FIERI

(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)

That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!

As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.

 GUY FIERI

(Speaking into cellphone)

Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard... 

(Going through cash drawer)

No, wait, make that cash...

 

A Few Minutes Without Andy Rooney

60 Minutes' Curmudgeon Ponders Retirement

Ever notice how so many "He's-so-old" jokes involve throwing kids off of lawns?

I have. And since my retirement was announced, there've been a lot of jokes about how I'll spend more time hollering at kids to get out of my front yard. I don't get that. Is this really a thing that happens? I've never had kids on my lawn, much less had to holler at them to get off of it and I've been an old guy for a really long time now. 

Maybe it's because retired guys are home at times of the day when everyone else is at work, and that's when kids go around traipsing on other peoples' lawns. Then again, if that was the case, why haven't housewives been throwing kids off their lawns for years? Maybe they're too busy being desperate or something, I don't know.

Besides, all the kids in my neighborhood have their own lawns; why would they stand on mine? Or maybe I should be insulted that they don't. It's a nice lawn. I pay someone good money to keep it tidy, and he does a very nice job. Then again, I've never looked at any lawn — even one way nicer than mine — and thought, "Gee, I'd really like to go stand on that." 

Anyway, I guess I'll know soon enough whether retiring suddenly makes you more territorial about your front yard. Once I'm officially a retiree, I plan to sit out on the porch and see if any kids show up on my lawn. If they do, I won't holler at them, I'll just ask them if this is their idea of a good time and if it is, I'll feel kind of sorry for them. 

 

U.S. Department of Irony Celebrates Success of Anthony Weiner Scandal

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) It was all smiles, high-fives and champagne today in offices of the U.S. Department of Irony. The festive mood is in celebration of a week-long news cycle that included a sex scandal with no actual sex, lewd photos of the penis of a congressman named "Weiner," whose wife works for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and, the "Icing on the cake," according to USDOI press secretary Anne N. Amos, that the Weiners' wedding was officiated by Bill Clinton.

"It's easy to get discouraged and jaded at this job, especially in this town" said USDOI deputy director Hugh Morliss, "So a streak like this is a real morale booster," adding, "We don't usually see this much activity without a televangelist being involved."

"Arthur" Remake Sequels

Arthur II: Tipsy Turvey

Arthur III: The Hangover (copyright litigation pending)

Arthur IV: Rehab Daze

Arthur V: Pickled Tink

Arthur VI: Traffic School Confidential

Arthur VII: Drunk & Drunkerer

Arthur VIII: Back in Rehab 3-D

Arthur IX: My Big Fat Enlarged Liver

Arthur X: Last Call - Four Failed Marriages & a Funeral

 

Homeland Security Acts to Prevent Sheen-Taymor Alliance

"Together, These Two Trainwrecks Could Bring Down the Whole Damn Country"

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) During an impassioned speech in which she warned of "Devastating consequences," Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano today urged congress to take swift action to ensure that actor Charlie Sheen and director Julie Taymor are never in the same place at the same time.

"Individually, each is a walking catastrophe," Napolitano intoned gravely, "And have displayed reckless disregard and disdain for the consequences of their actions, wreaking havoc and costing millions in collateral damage," she continued, "Now that they've both gone rogue; what could happen if they ever joined forces is..." Napolitano paused, visibly shaken by the thought, "Unthinkable."

"However remote, any possibility of their being in close enough proximity to combine their destructive powers into a single malevolent force constitutes a clear and present danger," Napolitano insisted, "We must take every step and pay any price to ensure that this is never allowed to happen."

The bill would make it a Federal crime for Sheen and Taymor to both be in the same or even adjacent zip codes and also make illegal any communication between them.

Asked if celebrity driven catastrophes weren't already covered in the Ishtar Act of 1987, Napolitano explained that while that law has successfully prevented further collaborations between Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, "It just doesn't go nearly far enough for something like this."

"There is no time to lose. Right this minute," suggested Napolitano ominously, "Sheen could be boarding a train in Los Angeles, heading east at 60 mph, and at the same moment Taymor could be getting on a train in New York heading west at 62 miles an hour... do you want the time and place to meet to be in your state?"

Keith Olbermann Will Not Replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men," Insist CBS Execs

Keith Olbermann! Who Wants That Kind of Headache? Say Show's Producers

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) To quell the wild rumors of Keith Olbermann replacing Charlie Sheen while the Two-and-a-Half Men star goes through rehab, CBS has officially announced that the remainder of this season's episodes will consist entirely of cast members performing dramatic readings of Chuck Lorre vanity cards. 

Traditionally a studio or production company logo — such as the MGM Lion, Fox's Searchlight, Ubu Productions' "Sit, Ubu, Sit" clip — that appears briefly after the closing credits, Lorre's vanity cards feature instead an offbeat essay or witty observation in tiny typewriter print. 

"Everybody loves Chuck's wacky vanity cards," says Bryce Boyd, CBS vice president of programming, "But they go by so fast you can't read the whole thing," adding, "Unless, of course, you go to Lorre's website where they're all posted, but nobody ever does that."

Boyd admits that temporarily replacing Sheen, then building a story arc (arrival of long-lost uncle/cousin/guy who once saved Charlie's life) that could be ejected as soon as Sheen returned was discussed, and that casting the Dos Equis Most-Interesting-Man-in-the-World guy was seriously considered, but casting Olbermann was not. "That suggestion," says Boyd, "Came out of a room full of comedy writers terrified that they'd now have to go out and get real jobs." 

One of the solutions they will own up to was for different actors from the 80s Brat Pack to successively play Sheen's character over the remaining episodes, in the style of Todd Haynes' film I'm Not There in which six performers — men and women — each portrayed Bob Dylan. Unfortunately, what the producers saw as an "homage," Mr. Haynes' lawyers saw as "actionable." 

Instead, Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Holland Taylor, Marin Hinkle and Conchata Ferrell will read the vanity cards to a studio audience from the Two and a Half Men set.

"It was the cheapest of the proposed solutions," explains Boyd, "And," he added, "Considering the likely drop in ad revenue after the first one of these airs, the only one we could afford to sign off on."

This Week on "60 Minutes," Julian Assange. But First, a Few Words from Andy Rooney...

There's been a lot of talk about wikileaks, lately. I don't know what a wiki is, exactly, but I'm pretty if you've got one that leaks, there's probably something wrong with it.  

Are wikis anything like tikis? We used to have tiki torches around our patio... I don't know what happened to them... we probably put them in a shed someplace when they ran out of whatever it was they burned. It didn't smell bad, so I don't think it was kerosene, but it didn't smell nice, either, like citronella; you know, to keep bugs away. 

Come to think of it, when we had those tiki torches, we'd drink something called a "Wiki Waki Woo". It was pretty tasty. Very fruity, if I remember right. You wouldn't want it to leak. That would be an awful waste of whatever's in it. Rum, I think. Are these wikis anything like them? I sure hope so.

I just don't want one that leaks.

Randy Quaid Wins Write-in Votes in Alaska, Delaware and Nevada

"You Want Bat-Shit Insane? We'll Give You Bat-Shit Insane!" is Voter Message

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In a surprise twist in Tuesday's mid-term elections, actor and raving lunatic Randy Quaid (National Lampoon's Vacation, Independence Day, Kingpin) was simultaneously elected to seats in the U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives from Alaska, Delaware and Nevada.

After a bizarre campaign season involving candidates most voters found nothing short of embarrassing, a spontaneous last-minute write-in vote in all three states has swept the once-accomplished actor and felonious wack-job into office.

"I mean, why not?" asked, Lee Odivinsky of Dover, Delaware, "If being bat-shit insane is the qualification for office and congress is gonna be full of loonies, we want our guy to be the bull-goose looniest of them all," adding, in what seems the prevailing sentiment, "Given our options, it wasn't a hard choice; besides, he was really good in that movie with the spaceships."

While highly irregular, it isn't clear that Mr. Quaid can be prevented from holding and serving all three positions at once. "The results are still being tallied up," said Robert Campin of the Federal Election Commission, "But even with the counting unfinished, he's won by such a huge landslide it'd be hard to overturn."

Asked about the logistical difficulties of having one person represent three separate states in both houses of congress, Campin replied, "We're not sure if one of his diagnoses is multiple personality disorder, but it would certainly help."

Reached for comment from inside the "fort" he and his wife had built out of the bedsheets in their Vancouver, British Columbia hotel room, Quaid issued a press release stating, "Gabba gowacka, ek, ek, arooooooh, ek, gowaka!"

Quaid's agent, Syd Hollenbeck, cautioned against moving forward too quickly, "Whoa, hey, before my client goes anywhere we gotta talk salary, per diem, accommodations, points on the back end, residuals, merchandising, time served. . . have those states' people call me, then we'll talk."

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?

Short-Tempered Celebrities Concerned About Rapid Depletion of Alphabet

Recent Scandals Over N-word and R-word Leave Fewer Offensive Word Abbreviations Unranted

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) Between Mel Gibson's expletive-filled ravings, Jennifer Aniston using the R-word on Live! with Regis & Kelly and Dr. Laura Schlessinger's N-word radio rant, the number of letters that offensive words start with and can be recognizably abbreviated down to now stands at a mere seven.

Along with the N- and R-words, the A-word, B-word, C-word, D-word, F-word/bomb, H-word, J-word, K-word, L-word, M/F-word, P-word, Q-word, S-word, T-word, V-word, W-word and Z-word (although, "Zionist" is probably too anachronistic to be very insulting) have all been deployed by one or other prominent media personage.

With 19 letters of the alphabet's 26 already spoken for, only e, g, i, o, u, x and sometimes y are still available for use in eruptions of bigoted, anger-fueled scatological insult or thoughtless offhand remarks.

The situation constitutes a crisis for celebrity loose cannons eager to make their mark. "These seven letters don't leave much to work with," acknowledges Dr. Verne Bose, chairman of the UCLA English Department, "I mean "e"? What are you supposed to do with that? It'll take some real creativity to wring much originality and shock value out of this bunch." Bose, however, reassures those worried that Mel Gibson will finish off the alphabet first through frequency and volume alone, "He does seem bent on breaking some sort of record, but he generally sticks with the classics."

Justin Bieber 3-D Biopic to Star Hilary Swank

Film Will Premiere Valentine's Day 2011, Just in Case You Won't Already Be Depressed Enough on That Day 

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) Paramount Pictures has confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that Justin Bieber's life story will be the subject of a 3-D movie, and is slated to have Hilary Swank in the lead role as the teen singing sensation.

Although Swank's spokespeople could not be reached for comment, her resemblance to Bieber and previous portrayals of teenaged boys make her the front runner. Some, however, insist that Swank's looks are simply "too boyish" to convincingly play Justin.

Set to open on Valentine's Day 2011, the movie is as yet untitled, but is likely to share the name of Bieber's forthcoming memoir, First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The chapter on how he finds 'spelling and stuff' to be, "Like, really hard" is expected to provide the film's emotional core.

Whether the home video of Justin's birth will be included is up to the director. Rumors that Bieber's parents have and will allow use of footage of his conception are unconfirmed.

Bravo to Produce "Real Housewives of Bravo's Real Housewives Producers"

New Reality Show Spotlights Reality Show Creators' Spouses

LOS ANGELES (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) The wives of Bravo's Real Housewives of... creators are the focus of the latest entry in that reality show franchise.

The Real Housewives of Real Housewives will document the daily routines and sometimes outrageous antics of the spouses of the reality shows creators and producers.

"After filming those women from New Jersey, New York, Orange County, Beverly Hills and Atlanta," says series co-creator Saul Less, "We got to wondering what the hell our wives were doing while we were at work."

The answer to that question, judging by an episode screened for critics, involves botox and collagen injections, shopping, berating the household staff, cavorting with pool boys and personal trainers, and long lunches at which they complain endlessly about their husbands, each other and express feeling unjustly snubbed by the wives of prime-time network television shows' producers.

"I'm betting this show lasts longer than some of these marriages will," noted one critic.

Less denies allegations that the show is merely a ruse to gather incriminating evidence for his and other producers' impending divorce cases.

Other new Bravo reality shows currently in development include The Real Mistresses of Park Avenue and Trophy Wives of Beverly Hills.

BP Hires Kevin Costner

Oil Company to Turn Disaster Into Disastrous Flick

LOS ANGELES (AFA NewsWire) In the effort to stem both the flow of its oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico and the tide of bad publicity surrounding it, BP has hired Hollywood star Kevin Costner to aid with damage control.

Costner, whose company invented a device that separates oil from seawater, has been offering his clean-up services since the crisis began.

A BP spokesman acknowledged, however, that the company's true motive in hiring the Academy Award-winner is to have him direct and star in a movie — tentatively titled Waterwhirled — about the Gulf spill that they feel confident will be so overblown, ponderous, overly-long and hard to follow that everyone will forget all about any oil-soaked pelicans.

"It's the perfect solution," says BP spokesman Mark Evally, "Nobody likes disasters, but everyone likes disaster movies," adding, "Even bad ones. Plus, we'll save a bundle on special effects."

Evally would neither confirm or deny that Bruce Willis had also been signed on to the project.

Shatner Wept

Patrick Stewart is knighted.

As consolation, Tim Hortons is offering William Shatner a lifetime 20% discount on donuts (non cream-filled only).

This Week in "Duh!"

Woody Allen Speaks Out in Defense of Roman Polanski.

Hell to Pay

After His Recent Gaffe, Elton John's Afterlife Gig Gets Sudden Change of Venue

 

Scene: a huge, opulent office. Visible through a window behind an enormous oak desk with singe marks on it is a dark cavern illuminated by occasional flashes of flame from below. On various ledges, demons poke at the damned with pitchforks. Seated behind the desk is the Devil himself. His phone rings.

LUCIFER

Presses "answer" button on phone and adjusts his earpiece while continuing to surf the web.

Yallo!

JESUS

Heard only through phone.

Hey, Luke, it's me.

LUCIFER

Hey, bro, where you been? Haven't talked to you since your birthday.

JESUS

Yeah, I was gonna call right after the Oscars; I figured you'd be pretty busy till then.

LUCIFER

Whoa, tell me about it. Between them, tax time and the mid-term elections, I won't get a break for months. So, what's up?

JESUS

I'm throwing you a freebie soul. A big one. A real get.

LUCIFER

A little suspicious.

You're doing me a favor? If it's Tiger Woods or the CEO of Toyota, you're wasting your breath, because I already got . . . Hey, wait a minute — it's not another televangelist is it?

JESUS

No, no, no, nothing like that.

LUCIFER

Okay, okay. I'll bite. Who is it?

JESUS

Elton John.

LUCIFER

Elton John? The Yellow Brick Road, Rocket Man, Candle in the Wind Elton John?

JESUS

The same.

LUCIFER

Jeez, what'd he do? I thought he was a lock for your team.

JESUS

Well, he was.

LUCIFER

Checking computer screen.

I don't see him on the schedule; what's the hurry? 

JESUS

Something he said.

LUCIFER

Something he said? You're damning his soul to an eternity of fire and brimstone for an utterance? That's kinda harsh. Must be a doozy.

JESUS

Yeah, he, um, said, ehhhhh; well, he said I was gay.

LUCIFER

Does spit take with coffee he'd just sipped and then laughs.

JESUS

Hey, it's not funny!

LUCIFER

Oh, yes it is. C'mon, really? For that? After everything that's been said about you for all this time? You've been called way worse.

JESUS

Agitated

Well that's it exactly. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, I've just had it with everybody presuming to reinterpret me as whatever suits them; revolutionary, reactionary, groovy nature boy, rock star, smiter of rival sports teams and political parties, nutritionist,  banker. . . ! Personal savior, yes; Rorschach test, no. Enough, already! 

LUCIFER

While squinting at something his computer screen.

I take your point, but I think you're being a little touchy about this one. . . Hey, it says here that he also said you were smart. You don't credit for that often enough, if you ask me.

JESUS

Nice of you to say so, but do you want him or not?

LUCIFER

Sure, sure. I can put him to good use. God knows how many people hate Crocodile Rock. . .

JESUS

Yes He does.

LUCIFER

Typing.

Okay, he's in. I owe you one. Oh, before I forget, whose in charge of the Oscar Pool this year?

JESUS

Gabriel. You want he should call you?

LUCIFER

No, I'll text him once I've made all my picks. Ten nominees? What a joke.

 

Lying now.

Oh, gotta run, I have another call...

JESUS

Aware he's being lied to.

Mm, hmm. Yeah, right. Later.

On This Day in History...

1960: Elvis Presley ends his two-year hitch in the U.S. Army; many blame his subsequent film career on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Conan-Leno Flap to Get Golden Globe Award

"Best New Drama from NBC Since ER!"

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) In an unprecedented move, the Golden Globe Awards has invented an entirely new category in order to present a special prize honoring Jeff Zucker for the contretemps over NBC's clumsy rescheduling of Jay Leno's 10 P.M. show and The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.

"It's simply the best new drama NBC's produced since ER went off the air," said Berne Bocken, spokesman for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, adding, "It has been tremendously entertaining and we think it deserves to be recognized and hope for more like it."

Although many consider it long overdue, this new category, "Best Drama Caused by a Programming or Scheduling Fiasco," was hastily thrown together at the last minute so the awards ceremony broadcast could make the most of it while the Conan-Leno tumult is still a hot topic.

While showbiz wags have already dubbed the prize "The Tempestuous Teapot" and "Best Drama Queenery," it isn't yet clear whether this new category will be a perennial or just get handed out on special occasions like the Oscars' Lifetime Achievement Award.

Legal stuff so I don't get sued:
GOLDEN GLOBE(S)®, HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION® and GOLDEN GLOBE® statuette design mark are the registered trademarks and service marks and the GOLDEN GLOBE® statuette the copyrighted property
of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
Copyright © MM-MMIX Hollywood Foreign Press Association. All rights reserved.

Because Maybe Wishful Thinking Really DOES Work After All...

Headline at CNN.com: Why Has Paris Hilton Disappeared?

Make it happen again! Make it happen again!

Sneak Peak at Palin Book Cover

The Ant Farmer's Almanac has obtained a copy of what we believe to be a possible cover design for Sarah Palin's forthcoming memoir Going Rogue: An American Life. While this may not be the cover that gets used, we have been assured that it was near the top of the pile on the art director's desk.