Ant Farmer's Almanac

Sunday Funnies

 

This Day in Woodstock

Day 1 Lineup:

Richie Havens; Sweetwater; Bert Sommer; Tim Hardin; Ravi Shankar; Melanie; Arlo Guthrie; Joan Baez.

Justin Bieber 3-D Biopic to Star Hilary Swank

Film Will Premiere Valentine's Day 2011, Just in Case You Won't Already Be Depressed Enough on That Day 

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) Paramount Pictures has confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that Justin Bieber's life story will be the subject of a 3-D movie, and is slated to have Hilary Swank in the lead role as the teen singing sensation.

Although Swank's spokespeople could not be reached for comment, her resemblance to Bieber and previous portrayals of teenaged boys make her the front runner. Some, however, insist that Swank's looks are simply "too boyish" to convincingly play Justin.

Set to open on Valentine's Day 2011, the movie is as yet untitled, but is likely to share the name of Bieber's forthcoming memoir, First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The chapter on how he finds 'spelling and stuff' to be, "Like, really hard" is expected to provide the film's emotional core.

Whether the home video of Justin's birth will be included is up to the director. Rumors that Bieber's parents have and will allow use of footage of his conception are unconfirmed.

BP Hires Kevin Costner

Oil Company to Turn Disaster Into Disastrous Flick

LOS ANGELES (AFA NewsWire) In the effort to stem both the flow of its oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico and the tide of bad publicity surrounding it, BP has hired Hollywood star Kevin Costner to aid with damage control.

Costner, whose company invented a device that separates oil from seawater, has been offering his clean-up services since the crisis began.

A BP spokesman acknowledged, however, that the company's true motive in hiring the Academy Award-winner is to have him direct and star in a movie — tentatively titled Waterwhirled — about the Gulf spill that they feel confident will be so overblown, ponderous, overly-long and hard to follow that everyone will forget all about any oil-soaked pelicans.

"It's the perfect solution," says BP spokesman Mark Evally, "Nobody likes disasters, but everyone likes disaster movies," adding, "Even bad ones. Plus, we'll save a bundle on special effects."

Evally would neither confirm or deny that Bruce Willis had also been signed on to the project.

Next Summer's Summer Movies! A Preview!

A Sneak Peak at What Blockbuster Entertainments Hollywood Will Fling Our Way for the Summer of 2011!

 

This Week in "Duh!"

Woody Allen Speaks Out in Defense of Roman Polanski.

On This Day in History...

1960: Elvis Presley ends his two-year hitch in the U.S. Army; many blame his subsequent film career on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Conan-Leno Flap to Get Golden Globe Award

"Best New Drama from NBC Since ER!"

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) In an unprecedented move, the Golden Globe Awards has invented an entirely new category in order to present a special prize honoring Jeff Zucker for the contretemps over NBC's clumsy rescheduling of Jay Leno's 10 P.M. show and The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.

"It's simply the best new drama NBC's produced since ER went off the air," said Berne Bocken, spokesman for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, adding, "It has been tremendously entertaining and we think it deserves to be recognized and hope for more like it."

Although many consider it long overdue, this new category, "Best Drama Caused by a Programming or Scheduling Fiasco," was hastily thrown together at the last minute so the awards ceremony broadcast could make the most of it while the Conan-Leno tumult is still a hot topic.

While showbiz wags have already dubbed the prize "The Tempestuous Teapot" and "Best Drama Queenery," it isn't yet clear whether this new category will be a perennial or just get handed out on special occasions like the Oscars' Lifetime Achievement Award.

Legal stuff so I don't get sued:
GOLDEN GLOBE(S)®, HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION® and GOLDEN GLOBE® statuette design mark are the registered trademarks and service marks and the GOLDEN GLOBE® statuette the copyrighted property
of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
Copyright © MM-MMIX Hollywood Foreign Press Association. All rights reserved.

Opening Spring 2010

Everybody's Fired

If you liked 2009's Up in the Air and Everybody's Fine, then you'll love this film:

Robert DeNiro and George Clooney star in this wacky yet heart-warming romp as rival corporate hatchetmen in a race to lay off everyone in North America who's still got a job. When they meet mid-air during a cross-country flight on which they've both been contracted to fire the entire crew, they face their final showdown — with each other! 

Who will fire first?

(UK title: Layoffs on a Plane) 

This film has not yet been rated.

Checkers Speaks

When the novel Me Cheetah, a purported autobiography “written” by the chimpanzee co-star from the Tarzan movies of the 1930s and 1940s, got nominated for a Booker Prize – Britain’s most prestigious  literary award — it set off an unprecedented flood of books by and about celebrity animals.

Chief among them is the memoir of Richard Nixon’s cocker spaniel, Checkers, whose very presence in the Nixon household nearly cost him the vice presidential spot with Dwight Eisenhower in 1952.

That it was filmmaker Oliver Stone who secured the movie rights to the Checkers’ story has stirred up controversy; not because of Stone’s political views, but because he seems to have completed the script and began principal photography on his film adaptation before having received or read the transcription.

The Ant Farmer’s Almanac has obtained an early draft of the screenplay, but could not verify its authenticity, as Mr. Stone’s office would not return our phone calls, emails and repeated shouts from across the street.

CHECKERS SPEAKS

(by Oliver Stone)

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD. NOON.

Slo-Mo: a brightly patterned toy ball appears at the corner of the frame and moves across the screen, all in the faded colors of a vintage 8mm home movie from the 1950s.

INT. PET SHOP. WASHINGTON, DC. AFTERNOON.

The pet shop clerk reaches into the window display and picks up a cocker spaniel puppy, then hands it to a man wearing a suit, tie and hat.

MONTAGE. EARLY 1950s:

Clouds moving across sky in fast motion, wet newspaper on floor, fire hydrant, Washington Monument, Rin Tin Tin, teenagers at sock hop, U.S. soldiers in Korea, Harry Truman, Milton Berle in drag, people holding “I Like Ike” placards.

INT. RESIDENTIAL DEN. EVENING.

Richard Nixon sits at a desk, pen in hand, but not writing. 

His wife, Pat, enters.

PAT

(concerned)

How’s it going, Dick?

NIXON

Lousy, Buddy. I don’t know what to say in this damned TV speech. Ike’ll drop me from the ticket in a heartbeat if I can’t convince people that I’m honest. (Looking at the floor and gesturing toward Checkers, who is lying nearby.) Hell, they’d make me give back the godamm dog, if they had their way.

PAT

(alarmed)

You wouldn’t let them, would you, Dick?

NIXON

(Looking back up at Pat)

Of course not — the girls love him so, (leans down to pet Checkers) don’t they, boy (Checkers wags his tail).

INT. RESIDENTIAL DEN. LATE EVENING.

Checkers sitting at Pat’s feet. The only light is the blueish flicker of a black and white television from which Nixon’s voice can be heard

NIXON

(V.O. from TV)

. . . the only thing anyone ever gave me was my little dog, a cocker spaniel that my daughters named Checkers . . .

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

Ball falls from the air as camera swirls to follow it as it hits the ground, bouncing once and revealing a lawn ringed by trees.

MONTAGE. MID-1950s:

Joseph McCarthy, Lassie, Ralph Kramden glowers at Alice, opening day at Disneyland, young Jack and Jackie Kennedy, POV from underneath dinner table as child’s hand pushes bit of food toward camera. . .

INT. BLAIR HOUSE. WINTER EVENING.

A cocktail party after the 1956 presidential elections. Pat and RN mingle with the guests, mostly congressmen and senators and their wives. Among them is Texas senator Lyndon Baines Johnson (note: get Randy Quaid?).

Checkers slips into the living room from the kitchen and heads toward Nixon, briskly moving past a crowd of guests’ ankles.

Johnson, who is talking to Nixon, notices Checkers.

LBJ

(grinning widely)

Well now, Here’s that little fella got you elected veep the first time, heh, heh!

 NIXON

(smiling, but clearly annoyed, both at the dog’s presence 

and Johnson’s remark)

Yes, ah, heh, heh.

LBJ

(deliberately speaking too loudly now, and crouching down to pet the dog, which draws the attention of other guests)

He’s a cutey, all right. Ya know, mah boys — the beagles, I mean — they jes love it when ah pick ‘em up by the ears (reaching his hands out toward Checkers who instinctively recoils). They yelp like all get-out, but they like it!

NIXON

(stepping between LBJ and Checkers)

Now, Lyndon, I won’t have that sort of thing here...

LBJ

(somewhat petulant, but mostly annoyed)

Well now, Dick, I wouldn’t have thought you were soft on dogs.

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

The colorful ball bounces and rolls into distance. Checkers, as a puppy, runs by in determined pursuit.

MONTAGE. LATE-ISH 1950s:

Cars with huge tailfiins rotating on showroom platforms, Elvis Presley swiveling his hips, a rolled up newspaper being swatted directly at lens, Lucille Ball on candy factory assembly line, Huckleberry Hound, Eisenhower grinning...

EXT. WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN. AFTERNOON.

President Eishenhower (note: get Robert Duvall? Patrick Stewart? That bald guy from “Night Court”?) in golf clothes is on the lawn, lining up his putt toward a pin some twenty feet away. An aide holds the flag marking the hole.

Nixon enters from behind Ike, with Checkers on a leash, just as Ike makes his shot.

CUT TO:

Ball as it rolls toward cup.

CUT TO:

Checkers as he bolts and pulls away from Nixon, yanking the leash from Nixon’s hand.

CUT TO:

Nixons’ face contorted with horror and anger and mouthing the word “No-o-o-o-o!”

CUT TO:

POV from behind the pin in the golf hole as the flag is pulled from it, revealing the ball coming in fast as Checkers approaches it, with Nixon in pursuit and Ike gesturing angrily in background. Checkers picks up the golf ball in his mouth just before it rolls into the hole and runs off.

CUT TO:

Shot from above and pulling away from Rose Garden as Secret Service agents chase Checkers around lawn in a chaotic ballet as Ike swings his putter at Nixon.

INT. BLAIR HOUSE. THAT EVENING.

Nixon family around dinner table, everyone is a little tense.

NIXON

(almost to himself)

The old man’s really steamed this time. He’s gonna give it to me good, too. 

I’ll bet he sends me someplace god-awful. 

Goddam dog.

CUT TO:

EXT. NARROW SOUTH AMERICAN STREET. AFTERNOON.

Black limousine with American flags attached to front fenders is surrounded and being rocked by an angry mob throwing rotten fruit and carrying signs saying “Yankee Go Home.”

CUT TO:

INT. SAME LIMO. SAME LOCATION.

Pat and RN, expressionless and looking straight ahead, sit in back seat as car rocks side to side and thrown fruit spatters heavily on the windows.

NIXON

(deadpan)

Goddam dog!

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

Puppy Checkers chasing ball as it rolls across expansive lawn. Catches up with it before it reaches the trees, passing it, then whirling around to pick it up and run toward camera.

MONTAGE. VERY LATE 1950s:

An Edsel, Buddy Holly, Fidel Castro, Elvis in army uniform, Laika the Russian dog that went to space.

EXT. KREMLIN, MOSCOW.

CUT TO:

INT. SHOWROOM DISPLAYING STATE OF THE ART 1959 AMERICAN KITCHEN Soviet Premiere Nikita Kruschev, Richard Nixon, with Checkers on leash, along with a translator and a slew of reporters and photographers walk through what signage claims is a "typical" American kitchen. Through a translator, Nixon and Kruschev debate the benefits of American-style consumerism versus Soviet socialism.

CUT TO:

Checkers at ankle level. Checkers sniffs at then jumps up and begins humping Kruschev’s leg. Kruschev quickly notices and leaps up, cursing.

KRUSCHEV

(poking Nixon in the chest and shouting in Russian as English subtitles appear on screen)

Son of a bitch! You arrogant Americans think you can let even your pets dry-hump Soviet peoples? You’re wrong! 

We will neuter you!

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

Puppy Checkers runs toward the camera with ball in his mouth. As he approaches and then passes it, the camera follows him as he trots triumphantly toward Nixon family — RN, Pat, Trisha and Julie, in 1951. They all clap and smile approvingly.

MONTAGE. 1960:

Presidential election, Nixon/Kennedy debate, Fidel Castro, the Jetsons' dog Astro, black protesters being fire-hosed at demonstration, Elvis leaving army, TV scoreboard showing final vote count of Kennedy’s victory over Nixon.

INT. BLAIR HOUSE. EVENING. JANUARY 1961.

RN stands by large picture window bathed in a soft, almost ethereal glow that creates a triangle of light around him in an otherwise dark room. Pat emerges from the darkness behind RN, flicks on lights to reveal the room is filled with moving boxes. Checkers follows her in and jumps up onto the wing chair that RN is standing next to.

PAT

(looking at Checkers)

Dick, we really shouldn’t let him get up on the furniture like that, we never did before.

NIXON

(turning to look in her and Checkers direction)

Let Johnson clean up the dog hair. I just hope our boy here leaves his mark on every table leg in the place. It’ll drive those goddam beagles crazy. Lyndon’ll get so aggravated he’ll probably start a war or something while Jack isn’t looking.

PAT

(putting her hand on RN’s shoulder)

Now, Dick, I know you’re upset, but don’t be bitter. We’re all disappointed, but we’ll be back in California soon; we can start over there.

NIXON

(leaning over to pet Checkers, then turning to face 

and embrace Pat)

Yeah, you’re right, Buddy, as usual.

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

Checkers approaches Nixon family. As he gets closer, POV changes to that of dog and colors goes to b&w w/blueish hue. Camera comes up to RN’s feet and looks up to see him leaning down with his hand outstretched.

RN takes ball from Checkers’ mouth.

CUT TO:

RN playfully winding up as if for pitch, then throwing the ball high and far out toward lawn as Checkers heads out after it.

CUT TO:

Brightly colored ball against blue sky as it moves in Slo-Mo across screen and disappears into the glare of the sun.

Fade to black.

Alternate Endings

"Wait, Pop! Old Yeller isn't rabid, he just ate some of this soap!"

• • •

"Private Ryan, all of your brothers have been killed in combat and we're here to take you out of harm's way."

"Alrighty then. Let's get the hell out of here before any more shooting starts."

• • •

"We're outnumbered pretty bad here, Butch. Whaddaya say we give ourselves up and take our chances with the Bolivian court system?"

• • •

"Hey, don't toss that in the furnace, it's Rosebud, Mr. Kane's beloved childhood sled!"

 • • •

"Open the pod bay doors, Hal."

"Okey dokey, Dave!"

If it Ain't Brokeback . . .

Web "Spoof" Puts Final Nail in Gay Cowboy-Themed Comic Trend's Coffin

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) An obscure humor web site today posted what many hope is the last-ever spoof of the Oscar-nominated film Brokeback Mountain.

The story's satiric premise involves an allegedly forthcoming Scottish movie entitled Brogue-Back Mountain, in which love blossoms between a pair of ruggedly handsome highland shepherds and how this forbidden desire effects their lives, their families and their sheep.

Puns abound in the 300-or-so-word fake news story, leading off with a recitation of rejected titles, including Highland Fling, Sporran to be Wild, Kilt Bill and Plaid to the Bone. The parodic ad slogans' puns are, if possible, even more painful; "They took the down-low road..." "What happens in the heather, stays in the heather..." and such like.

Attempts to wring laughs from a broad Scottish accent ("Ay, laddie, I nae can quit ye!") fall flat, the joke about the all-bagpipe soundtrack could be seen coming three paragraphs away and the double entendres concerning haggis make no sense at all.

Despite the thanks of a grateful nation for putting the kibosh on this current craze for gay cowboy-themed comedy, the writer acknowledges having some second thoughts about posting the story. These stem from the lukewarm response it got from acquaintances and the "This tastes icky" look on his wife's face when she read an early draft. While he insists that he doesn't regret writing the piece, he does wish he'd thought of it sooner or gone with his Brokebackdraft idea about gay firemen because he had this really funny line about red suspenders.

They're Just Upset that Jesus' Descendants Would be French

Defenders of Christianity Rebut 'The Da Vinci Code' (New York Times article by Laurie Goodstein, April 28, 2004)

Fearing that the best-selling novel "The Da Vinci Code" may be sowing doubt about basic Christian beliefs, a host of Christian churches, clergy members and Bible scholars are rushing to rebut it. 

Readers have bought more than six million copies of the book, a historical thriller that claims Christianity was founded on a cover-up — that the church has conspired for centuries to hide evidence that Jesus was a mere mortal, married Mary Magdalene and had children whose descendants live in France. 

Hollywood Raises Heck

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In anticipation of the strict new "decency" codes that industry insiders expect to see enforced within the next few months, producers of the TV spinoff of the hit movie Hellboy have announced that the title of the series and its main character will be renamed Heckboy. 

"Why take chances?" is how Joseph P. Manley, head of the production company behind Heckboy puts it. "If we don't do it now, we'll just have to do it later when whichever spineless network we sell the show to makes us. Besides, if we wait and do it after the fact, we'll have all the extra costs of redubbing, redoing the logo and all the advertising and collateral materials. This way, we save ourselves the grief and the money right up front," Manley continued, "On the plus side, it'll lower the age of our target audience, making Heckboy plush toys a real marketing possibility. So, it's not a total loss, really." 

All of tinseltown is working overtime to be ready when the decency hits the fan. Classic films are being "adjusted" by such title changes as To Heck and Back, Heck is for Heroes, The Heckfighters, Hecko Dolly and Hepcats of the Navy. 

Additionally, the WB Network has announced that when its show 7th Heaven goes into syndication on PAX TV, it will be retitled "Heaven" because, as a PAX network executive explained, "Every right-thinking Christian knows there is only one heaven, and even entertaining the notion that there is more than one, much less seven, is not only just flat-out wrong, but deeply and hurtfully offensive." 

Hard Act to Follow

Novelization, Spinoffs Planned for Gibson's "Passion" 

HOLLYWOOD California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Stephen King, Thomas Harris and Anne Rice are under consideration for the job of penning the novelization of Mel Gibson's hit movie The Passion of the Christ.

Gibson's production company, Newmarket Films, has asked the three world-famous authors, each renowned for their vivid descriptions of bloodletting, gore, violence and the brutal torture of both body and soul, to submit a sample chapter and an outline for the book. 

"With a celebrity name like Mel Gibson's attached to it, we expect this book to do quite well," said a spokesman for Newmarket, "It's a great story. It's got everything: action, suspense, suffering, betrayal, bad guys, good guys, one very good guy and an inspiring, uplifting ending. Real mass appeal stuff," he enthused, "We're talking worldwide bestseller, here. This could be the Bible of novelizations. " 

Newmarket also announced today its deal with HBO to produce a mini-series spinoff of The Passion that will chronicle the post-Christ lives — but especially the gruesome, martyred deaths — of the apostles. Tentatively titled A.D. The Lives of the Saints, the series will focus on one apostle per episode with each installment filmed by a different director. Quentin Tarentino, John Carpenter, Wes Craven and Brian De Palma are said to have signed on to the project.