Ant Farmer's Almanac

Guy's Bites the Big One

The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.

Here is one possibility . . .

INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY

Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.

Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!

JULIA CHILD

(with gusto)

Bon Jour!

 GUY FIERI

(Startled)

Julia Child!?!

JULIA CHILD

Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.

GUY FIERI

(Squinting at the TV)

Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

(Breaking character)

Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.

GUY FIERI

Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

Not on your life...

(Back in character as Julia Child)

Bon appetit!

The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark. 

On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.

REMI

Hi, guy, I'm here to....

GUY

(Jumps up, moritified)

Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?! 

REMI

But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!

GUY

(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)

Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...

REMI

(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)

But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...

Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.

Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.

GUY FIERI

Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!

ROBERT IRVINE

I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.

Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...

 ROBERT IRVINE

(choking and gagging on some bacon)

Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.

His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.

Paula Deen enters

PAULA DEEN

Hiya, sugar!

GUY FIERI

Hi, Paula!

PAULA DEEN

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"

She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.

 PAULA DEEN

Oh, come to momma... 

 (addressing Fieri)

I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."

Deen exits toward the kitchen

The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown. 

ALTON BROWN

Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.

GUY FIERI

(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)

And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?

ALTON BROWN

Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!

GUY FIERI

(Impatiently)

And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?

ALTON BROWN

Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.

GUY FIERI

(Suddenly more interested)

House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?

ALTON BROWN

That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...

GUY FIERI

(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")

Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...

ALTON BROWN

Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?

GUY FIERI

(On his cellphone)

Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease... 

ALTON BROWN

Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...

GUY FIERI

(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)

That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!

As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.

 GUY FIERI

(Speaking into cellphone)

Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard... 

(Going through cash drawer)

No, wait, make that cash...

 

Random Thought No. 97

Cajun Christmas Cuisine

Forget about turducken, the hot new holiday meal for 2010 is Blackened Swan!

 

Is it Soup, Yet?

Chinese archaeologists have dug up a 2400-year-old pot of soup .

 

Thanks, But We'll Stick With the Double-Stuffed Oreos Dipped in Eggnog

Charles Phoenix bakes a "Cherpumple".

Summertime Fun Tipsheet

Tip No. 26: Cooking With Beer

1) Open a beer.

2) Cook something.

More Restaurant Reviews from Bill O'Reilly

California Pizza Kitchen, 164 West 81 Street $$ One Star 

It's a War on Pizza, I tell you! Grilled chicken is all well and good, but on a pizza! And pineapple! What the hell is pineapple doing on pizza? Much less on a pizza that already has grilled chicken on it? It's as un-American as it is unappetizing. If you needed any more proof that the Left Coast has nothing but contempt for all that is good and right with American food, here it is.

You'll be hearing more from me about this.

Open 7 days, 11 am – 11 pm. Reservations for parties of 8 or more. All credit cards.

Outback Steakhouse, Newport Center Mall, Jersey City, New Jersey $$ One Star

Now, I've never been "down under", but I've seen Crocodile Dundee a few times, something no one at this so-called Australian restaurant has bothered to do. I didn't hear the word "Crikey" once, and there's not a single item on the menu featuring kangaroo meat. Aside from "Shrimp from the Barbie" and an entree called "Kookaburra Wings®" (which taste just like chicken, by the way), this place is nothing more than the Olive Garden with an Aussie accent.

They get one star for serving Foster's in frosty mugs but that's it.

Open Tues. – Sun., 11 am – midnight; closed Mondays. Reservations for 6 and more. All credit cards.

Ishtar's Oasis, 346 Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn $ Three Stars

This place truly was a revelation. I went over to Brooklyn's "Arab Quarter" reluctantly and expecting the worst. As it turns out, the body armor and food taster I brought along were completely unnecessary, but, given the traffic, the Humvee proved a good idea.

At no point during the meal did anyone — customer or staff — drop to the floor for a prayer east and there wasn't a single cry of 'Death to America' or call for jihad against the west; although I did overhear some very nasty remarks about the Mets' pitching.

The Fattet Hummos was a delightfully aromatic hummus infused with toasted almonds, pine nuts, garlic and dried mint leaves. The lamb stew was strong and savory yet subtle; reminiscent of an American chili minus hot-peppery pyrotechnics. Who knew these people had a taste for anything besides senseless violence? If everybody over there eats like this, why are they all so pissed off?

I don't know which Middle Eastern country this cuisine is from but when we invade it — if we haven't already — I call dibs on frontline reporting.

Open 7 days, 10 am – 11 pm. No reservations. Cash only.

The Buckshot Stops Here

Dick Cheney to Lead Task Force Aimed at Halting Avian Flu. "It's Not Over Till the Last Bird Hits the Ground," says Locked and Loaded Veep.

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Vice President Dick Cheney will personally head a new government agency created to protect the United States from the threat of avian flu. Called the Avian Eradication-Reduction Operation (AERO), its mission is straightforward: kill every bird in the United States.

"We see a bird, we kill it. Period," said Mr. Cheney, "It's just that simple. With this avian flu thing, it's not hunting, it's self-defense. If even one American calls in sick to work from this, then the birds will have won."

While the FDA and the Department of Agriculture will spearhead destroying commercially raised poultry, AERO, under the umbrella of Homeland Security, will take out the "free-range" variety and pretty much anything else with feathers.

Under the motto, "If It Flies, It Dies," the agency will register citizen volunteers who are then authorized to blast any bird anywhere at any time. The new project has redeemed the vice president's standing in the hunting community, where many felt his hobby of shooting pen-raised quail with clipped wings was "About as sporting as dynamiting trout at a fish farm"

AERO volunteers get no reimbursement, and those who use firearms have to provide their own weapons and ammunition. However, anyone hunting in the same zip code as the vice president will get free Aflac insurance coverage.

Ironically, the Aflac spokesduck was one of the first birds to die, run down by a car north of Los Angeles; at the wheel, an AERO volunteer who spotted him filming an ad on location there.

The program has proved surprisingly popular. New Yorkers — hardly Mr. Cheney's core constituency — went after Gotham's ubiquitous and much-despised pigeons in what can be described only as a "merciless bloodletting."

Heavily armed Southern Californians gathered took up positions within the picturesque mission of San Juan Capistrano to protect themselves from the fabled swallows' annual return. "I've waited years for this," said one volunteer, scanning the skies as he stroked his shotgun intently.

AERO, the FDA and the Agriculture Department have jointly launched a public relations campaign promoting fear of and loathing for all things avian, and diminishing birds' importance in preparation for their disappearance.

The first wave of this PR blitz includes continuous showings of Alfred Hitchock's The Birds, and a series of public service announcements that portray birds negatively — poop all over the place, that damned chirping — has been rushed onto the airwaves. The campaign also offers generous federal grant reward money to any ballet company whose production of Swan Lake convinces the audience that The Dying Swan "had it coming."

Anticipating the "Cuisine Change" that will result from a lack of poultry, the Food Network is introducing a series entitled I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken, highlighting animal, mineral and vegetable replacements for formerly fowl based recipes. In the print media, a new version of the popular self-help book will be retitled Tastes Just Like Chicken Soup for the Soul.

Meanwhile, McDonald's has issued a press release assuring the public that the extinction of chickens will not effect the availability or flavor of McNuggets.

Madonna's Household Chef Studying Halvah

LONDON, England (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) British tabloids are reporting that Madonna's household chef has been tutored in the secrets of making halvah, an ancient Jewish delicacy.

Sources close to Mary Reilly, the 23-year-old Irish-born cook employed by glam couple Madonna and Guy Ritchie, say she was whisked off for several weeks to Cantor's Delicatessen in Los Angeles to learn the art and mystery of halvah preparation. It is not known whether this is an outgrowth of the Kabbalah-smitten Madonna's exploration into Judaic mysticism or an elaborate way to trick her kids into having fewer sweets.

Often confused with "baklava" by people who've never had either, halvah originated in the Balkans and eastern Mediterranean where it is still believed to be a dessert. The confection is made of ground sesame seeds, honey or sugar syrup, with dried fruit, pistachio nuts and farina and sometimes almonds, cinnamon and cardamon, which are then heated and poured into bars or long loaves. The name means literally 'sweetmeat' and forms of it are found in Turkish, Greek, Yiddish and Arabic cooking (Helva, halwa, halawi, etc.), as well as other cultures whose traditional cuisine predates chocolate.

Also unknown is whether Reilly picked up other traditionally Jewish culinary skills while at L.A.'s famed eatery. However, regulars at a London tea shop frequented by Guy Ritchie report that the film director has stopped ordering his usual Full English Breakfast ("Full Monty") of fried bacon, sausage, mushroom, eggs and tomato in favor of a "Bialy with schmeer."

Asked if she thought her time with the masters of deli fare had been well-spent, Reilly shrugged and replied, "It couldn't hurt."

From Russia With. . . Well, From Russia

Slogans for Kalishnakov Vodka, a new product from the man who invented the AK-47:

Rapid-Fire Refreshment! 

Ricochets with Taste! 

Take Aim at Flavor! 

Its Aim is True! (the inevitable lawsuit from by Elvis Costello will be invaluable for the free publicity) 

It Takes a Tough Man to Make a Tender Vodka 

Lock and Load! 

Bad to the Bone! 

Absolut is for Sissies 

Blows Away the Others 

Duck! 

New Cereals from Post!

Number Crunchies 

Good nutrition is as easy as 1-2-3 with Post's new Number Crunchies breakfast cereal. Riboflavin and 'rithmatic add up to a delicious morning meal or snack anytime! Whether your child is a budding CPA or rides the short bus to school, the digits 0 through 9 never tasted so good! 

Frosted Binary Bits 

Sugar-coated zeros and ones are the building blocks for a delicious, nutritious breakfast! Who needs the numbers 2 through 9 when binary code taste this great? 

Zodiac Flakes 

Your forecast? A delicious breakfast! Each sign of the zodiac is depicted in roasted oats in this star-studded new taste treat! Fire, Water, Earth or Air, they all stay crisp in milk! 

In Other News: Sobriety Bad for Liquor Industry; Non-Smokers Pose Threat to Tobacco Profits; and 9 Out of 10 People Prefer Being Alive to Being Dead

Krispy Kreme: Diets hurt doughnut sales. 

The Passion of the Crustacean

Just Resurrect and Serve! 

A Massachusetts company says its freezing technique allows some lobsters to come back to life when thawed. 

Pursuit of Happy Hour

SALEM, OR (Ant Farmers Almanac Newswire) — Inspired by Benton County's halting all marriages, gay or straight, until the state of Oregon decides who can and can't marry, the state's Liquor Control Commission has ordered the immediate end of "Happy Hour" until someone can define exactly what "happiness" is. 

"We see the wisdom of what the authorities in Benton County have done," said Joseph P. Manley, the liquor commission's associate director, "And we believe that this same approach can be applied to other perplexing questions. I mean, really, what is happiness, anyway?" asked Manley in a plaintive voice. "Things that make some people happy don't make other people happy," he continued, "Lots of stuff I like to do — stuff that makes me very happy — doesn't make my wife happy at all, and then stuff that she loves to do I just can't stand. It's so confusing," said Manley, shaking his head forlornly, "Why can't anyone just tell us once and for all?" 

In addition to its own investigation into the nature of what constitutes happiness, the Liquor Commission has recommended that the department of weights and measures look into why the "Hour" designated for happiness is 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. in some bars, 3:30 p.m. to 6:45 p.m. in others but 4 p.m. to 8 p.m. at this one place in Portland. 

Combatants Order in Pizza, Brownies, Cheetos...

Long Battle Over Medical Marijuana Seen Ahead. 

Paradise Lost

West Virginia becomes last state to get a Starbucks. 

Gateway, McDonald's in Fierce Bidding War for Event Sponsorship

The Welsh town of Cowbridge plans to host its own version of Pamplona, Spain's famous running of the bulls but with cows instead of bulls. 

KFC Chickens Out

Amid protests and complaints of misleading if not deceptive advertising, KFC pulled the plug on its recent ad campaign that bragged its fried chicken was "healthy" (albeit only when compared to a Burger King Whopper with cheese). 

The company stands by its previous claim that their product "tastes like chicken."