Ant Farmer's Almanac

U.S. Olympic Snowboarding Team Arrives in London, "Totally Stoked" About Taking Home Gold in 2012

Olympic Officials Shocked — SHOCKED! — That Snowboarders are Behaving Like . . . Snowboarders

"Dudes, chill!" Reply Snowboarders, asking, "Got any snacks? You know, like, Doritos, maybe?"

VANCOUVER, BC (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) Officials of the 2010 Winter Olympics have expressed alarm and dismay over snowboarders' "Lack of proper reverence for the traditions of this august institution," according to USOC spokesman Don F. Mann, Jr., "They act like this is fun!"

Among Mann's list of snowboarders' offenses to Olympic gravitas: their grungy "street" fashion sense, Greg Bretz's McNuggets-eating contest with his coach, Ricky Bower (Bretz, 60; Bower, 35); Hannah Teter's underwear sales (which turns out to be a legitimate business, despite initial reports making it sound like an auction for the panties she had on at the time); Shaun White and Bud Keane's expletive-laden on-air chatter; and the "scandalous" party photos of a girl kissing Scotty Lago's bronze medal as it dangled from his belt that earned him a hastily arranged one-way ticket out of Vancouver

Despite most of these incidents taking place far from the event sites, athletes have been under tight scrutiny since the infamous Michael Phelps bong hit after his 2008 Olympic triumph.

Other troubling snowboarder behavior includes overuse of the term "Dude," being way too cheerful all the time and suspiciously frequent outbreaks of "the munchies." Mention of Louie Vito's pre-Olympics appearance on Dancing With the Stars got a look of sour disapproval from Mann, when asked if that also counted as inappropriate behavior.

Mann said his next task is to look into allegations of "catty, high-strung, diva-like and bitchy behavior" among ice dancers and figure skaters.

*Pictured above is Canadian Olympic Freestyle Snowboarder, Katherine Shizu Tsuyuki. As of Tuesday morning, she wasn't in trouble for anything.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

AMERICAN IDOL

1: Losers get Simon Cowell's voice on their answering machine. Whether they like it or not.

2: Will never go off the air. Ever.

3: This is exactly how the Electoral College works.

4: Will soon be a scratch-off game.

5: Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

6: Original concept had judges voting silently, "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" style, and losers being roughly dragged offstage by burly security guards.

7: Tony Danza will replace Randy Jackson in season 12.

Pimp My Name (First in a Series)

Part One: In which famous couples get tabloid nicknames.

1. Davesheba 
2. Caesopatra
3. Cleopantony
4. Hebalard
5. Jopolean
6. Jemmings
7. Edwallis
8. Clarkbard
9. HumpBac
10. Lizard

Bonus Fictional Couple: Hoolittle

1: David / Bathsheba; 2: Julius Caesar / Cleopatra; 3: Cleopatra / Mark Antony; 4: Abelard / Heloise; 5: Napoleon / Josephine; 6: Thomas Jefferson / Sally Hemmings; 7: Edward VIII / Wallis Warfield Simpson; 8: Clark Gable / Carole Lombard; 9: Humphrey Bogart / Lauren Bacall; 10: Richard Burton / Elizabeth Taylor. Bonus Fictional Couple: Henry Higgins / Eliza Doolittle.

IOC to Conduct Drug Test on Athens Olympics' Opening Ceremony

"That was just way too trippy", says Olympic Committee spokesman.

ATHENS, Greece (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Even before the athletic competitions had begun at the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that it would conduct drug tests on everyone associated with the Games' Opening Ceremonies. 

"They were just really weird," said IOC spokesman Robert Leroy Parker, "It looked like Burning Man or some Radiohead music video." Parker shook his head sadly, "I mean, a parade of painted people dressed like I don't know what, a pregnant woman with a glowing womb, that blue, winged guy hovering over the whole thing, more wardrobe malfunctions than you could shake a stick at. . . . There's just no way that performance wasn't enhanced with substances. They even messed up the alphabetical order of the countries' names! How high do you have to be to do that? 

The creator of the Ceremonies' surrealistic extravaganza was reached for comment at a 24-hour Denny's restaurant in Athens, Georgia where he was eating breakfast at 2:30 a.m. When asked why he was in Athens, Georgia, when the Olympics were taking place in Athens, Greece, he got real quiet, looked around, wide-eyed and then confessed to having "Serious munchies, dude." 

"They get the gold in bizarre, that's for sure," sighed a dismayed Parker, "It was all Greek to me."