Ant Farmer's Almanac

Even More Recently Discovered Rejected Alternate Endings Hemingway Wrote for "A Farewell to Arms"

"Frankly, I don't give a damn."

"Goodnight, moon."

The knife came down, missing him by inches, 
and he took off.

"God bless us, everyone!"

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

"There's no place like home!"

Po-tee-weet?

"Well, I'm back," he said.

"Go the F*** to sleep."

“Now vee may perhaps to begin. Yes?”

"Rosebud."

The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. 
All was well.

"Yes," I said, "Isn't it pretty to think so?"

zymosan: an insoluble largely poly-saccharide 
fraction of yeast cell walls.

And they all lived happily ever after.

 

Today in Yesteryear

1990: Salman Rushdie, condemned to death in a fatwah by an Iranian mullah, contributes $8,600 to help Iranian earthquake victims; unmoved, most of his would-be assassins now plan on taking his wallet as well as whacking him.

It's . . .

Groundhog Day!

Today in Yesteryear

1887: First indoor softball game ends in a tie and an argument over "Who's going to pay for all these broken windows?"


1907: Pike Place Market dedicated in Seattle; first fish thrown in 1912.


1940: Desi marries Lucy.


1981: Porn star John Holmes is caught while a fugitive; the arresting officer refuses to say how he recognized him.

Today in Yesteryear

It's National Day in Albania. So, treat your goat to lunch. Or eat your goat for lunch. We’re not sure, the write-up about it’s all in Albanian.


1961: Mercury rocket carries Enos the chimp into orbit; weeks later the first human astronaut slips on a leftover banana peel.

Today in Yesteryear

1582: William Shakespeare and Anne Hathaway get marriage license; they register at Bard, Bath & Beyond.


1843: The Kingdom of Hawaii is officially recognized as an independent nation by Britain and France; the U.S. stands nearby whistling nonchalantly and trying to look inconspicuous.


1948: Hopalong Cassidy premieres on TV.

Today in Yesteryear

1895: Alfred Nobel establishes the Nobel Prize; forcing Joseph Pulitzer to rename his prize after himself.


1924: First Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. 

1967: Beatles release Magical Mystery Tour; then spend most of 1968 trying to live it down.

(Yes, yes, we know; this shot is from way before they did MMT, but who the hell wants to see that stupid cover again? Not us, that's who.) 

Today in Yesteryear

1825: College students form Kappa Alpha Society, 1st fraternity; later revealed as elaborate ruse to explain previous night’s drunken toga party.


1865: Alice in Wonderland is published.


1973: President Nixon's personal secretary, Rose Mary Woods, tells a federal court she accidentally caused part of 18-minute gap in a key Watergate tape.

Today in Yesteryear

1834: Delmonico's in New York offers a meal of soup, steak, coffee and half a pie for 12 cents; in today's dollars that meal would still be too old to eat.


1864: Confederate plot to burn down Manhattan fails when New Yorkers won't let would-be arsonist "borrow" a match.


1952: Agatha Christie's murder-mystery play The Mousetrap opens in London and eventually becomes the longest continuously-running play in history.

Today in Yesteryear

1857: Darwin publishes The Origin of Species; apes sue for defamation of character.


1947: Un-American Activities Committee finds "Hollywood 10" in contempt of congress because of their refusal to reveal whether they were communists; the committee is further miffed when the 10 also refuse to tell them what Victor Mature is really like. 

1963: Reality TV debuts when Jack Ruby shoots Lee Harvey Oswald on camera.


1971: "DB Cooper" parachutes from a Northwest AL 727 with $200,000.

Today in Yesteryear

1889: First jukebox goes into operation at the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco; device is hogged all night by a drunk miner who repeatedly plays "My Darling Clementine."


1903: Enrico Caruso's U.S. debut.


1936: First issue of Life magazine.

Today in Yesteryear

1842: Mount St. Helens in Washington, erupts.


1906: International Radio Telecommunications Commission adopts "SOS" as call for help.


1963: JFK assassinated.


1977: Regular Concorde passenger service between NY & Europe takes off.


1989: Conjunction of Venus, Mars, Uranus, Neptune, Saturn and the Moon. This is some sort of big deal, right?

Today in Yesteryear (Weekend Edition, Sunday)

1787: Andrew Jackson admitted to the bar; later asked to leave after a drunken brawl with some Masons.

1871: Moses Gale patents a cigar lighter.

1946: Harry Truman becomes first U.S. President to travel in a submerged submarine.

Today in Yesteryear (Weekend Edition, Saturday)

1888: William Bundy patents the timecard clock, making Monday an even bigger drag than it already was.

Today in Yesteryear

1863: Lincoln delivers The Gettysburg Address.


1959: Ford cancels the Edsel.

  
 

Today in Yesteryear

1776: Hessians capture Fort Lee, New Jersey and, so far as we know, still have it.


1865: Mark Twain publishes The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County.


1980: Heaven's Gate premieres.

Today in Yesteryear

1558: Elizabeth I takes the throne of England; thus begins the reign that launched a thousand costume dramas.


1869: Suez Canal opens.


1913: Panama Canal opens.


1973: President Nixon insists, "I'm not a crook."

Today in Yesteryear

1532: Pizarro seizes Incan emperor Atahualpa after victory at Cajamarca.


1776: Hessians capture Fort Washington, in Upper Manhattan; they are driven out in 1988 by skyrocketing real estate prices.


1906: Enrico Caruso is charged with an "indecent act" after pinching a woman's bottom in the monkey house of New York's Central Park Zoo; he is later acquitted when, on advice of their attorney and pleading the Fifth Amendment, the monkeys refuse to testify.

Today in Yesteryear

1492: Christopher Columbus makes first recorded reference to tobacco; his notes translate roughly as, "I'd walk a mile for this stuff."


1806: By a remarkable coincidence, the first explorer to see Pike's Peak turns out to be Zebulon Pike.


1864: First U.S. mining school opens in basement of Columbia University; incoming freshmen's first class assignment, dig a basement under Columbia University.


1864: Sherman burns Atlanta; Lincoln sends congratulatory telegram, "Well done."

Today in Yesteryear (Weekend Edition, Saturday)

1851: First settlers reach what will become Seattle; they make camp, open a Starbucks.