Ant Farmer's Almanac

From the Vault: Shakespeare, Rattle & Roll

So, I figure, if they can dig up Richard III's bones, I could dig out this Richard III-themed mash-up from the Ant Farmer's vault. Here then, from 2004, Shakespeare, Rattle & Roll.

Random Thought No. 97

Even More Recently Discovered Rejected Alternate Endings Hemingway Wrote for "A Farewell to Arms"

"Frankly, I don't give a damn."

"Goodnight, moon."

The knife came down, missing him by inches, 
and he took off.

"God bless us, everyone!"

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

"There's no place like home!"

Po-tee-weet?

"Well, I'm back," he said.

"Go the F*** to sleep."

“Now vee may perhaps to begin. Yes?”

"Rosebud."

The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. 
All was well.

"Yes," I said, "Isn't it pretty to think so?"

zymosan: an insoluble largely poly-saccharide 
fraction of yeast cell walls.

And they all lived happily ever after.

 

Coming Soon!

Cajun Christmas Cuisine

Forget about turducken, the hot new holiday meal for 2010 is Blackened Swan!

 

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?

I M SO HI RT NOW LOL!

"Ncell, a subsidiary of Swedish telecom company TeliaSonera, announced Friday that they have set up seven 3G base stations in the Everest region, allowing climbers and trekkers to access wireless Internet and make video calls..." 

Top Seven Texts from the Top of Mt. Everest:

1) I CN C UR HOUS FRM HEAR!

5) NOT MUCH. U?

3) THIS FONE'S GPS SUX

4) IM ON TOP OF WORLD, MA!

6) HOLD N, HAVE OTHER CALL

7) K, HOW DO WE GT DOWN?

Sunday Funnies

 

The Zombie Also Rises

Before the literary masterpiece/cheesey monster movie mashup craze jumps the shark, Bandwagon Books (No Trend Left Behind!) announces the first of its series Zombies! for the Fall of 2010. (Also available as eBooks!)

The Zombie Also Rises

By Ernest Hemingway (with additional material by L.K. Peterson)

Excerpt:

We sat outside at the little cafe near the Plaza del Toros. We sat, Alexi and me, and watched for zombies. The cafe had run out of sangria and was serving ouzo that someone had left there the summer before. It was good ouzo. Damn good. The summer before had not been good. The summer before had been terrible. The summer before had been when the zombies came. I wondered if whoever had left the ouzo was now a zombie. I wondered if he would come back for his ouzo. I wondered if, as he approached us, he would mutter "ouzo" instead of "brains" and, if he did, should we give him some before we shot him. Just then the waiter, an old man, pale and stooped, with deep-set, dark-circled eyes shuffled toward us. He was a good waiter. Damn good. Alexi, drunk on ouzo (and before that, drunk on sangria) looked at the waiter, lifted his pistol and shot him between the eyes. "Goddam zombies," he said, almost to himself. I should have reminded him that all of the cafe's waiters looked like that, but they weren't all zombies and if he didn't stop shooting them between the eyes we would have to get our own ouzo. But I didn't. I was too busy thinking about drinking ouzo that had once belonged to a zombie. Still, it was a good shot. Damn good.

Other Titles in This Series:

The Naked & the Undead

Remembrance of Zombies Past 

Winnie-the-Pooh and Zombies Too

Eat Brains, Pray, Love 

Are You There God? It's Us, Zombies

Rich Dad, Zombie Dad

Where's Waldo?

Next Summer's Summer Movies! A Preview!

A Sneak Peak at What Blockbuster Entertainments Hollywood Will Fling Our Way for the Summer of 2011!

 

Annie, Get Your Gone!

(First in a Series)

We were shocked by the recent announcement that the comic strip Little Orphan Annie would no longer be running in newspapers' funny pages. This was mostly because we had no idea that Little Orphan Annie had still been running on newspapers' funny pages.

Something else we didn't know was that in the last decades of the 20th century, there were several attempts at updating the strip to make it trendier and more appealing to  a younger demographic. Thankfully most of these efforts were short-lived and quickly forgotten. Somebody, however, forget to burn every last copy of a rare, bound collection of these makeovers, and we got hold of it.

Seen here is Annie in the mid-70s; an awkward and embarrassing era for pretty much everybody, historic comic characters especially. The kindest thing you can say about this version is that at least the long sideburns Daddy Warbucks had for a while and Sandy's hippie-dog red bandana are gone.

Musical Questions Answered

What they generally did with a problem like Maria . . .

Hell to Pay

After His Recent Gaffe, Elton John's Afterlife Gig Gets Sudden Change of Venue

 

Scene: a huge, opulent office. Visible through a window behind an enormous oak desk with singe marks on it is a dark cavern illuminated by occasional flashes of flame from below. On various ledges, demons poke at the damned with pitchforks. Seated behind the desk is the Devil himself. His phone rings.

LUCIFER

Presses "answer" button on phone and adjusts his earpiece while continuing to surf the web.

Yallo!

JESUS

Heard only through phone.

Hey, Luke, it's me.

LUCIFER

Hey, bro, where you been? Haven't talked to you since your birthday.

JESUS

Yeah, I was gonna call right after the Oscars; I figured you'd be pretty busy till then.

LUCIFER

Whoa, tell me about it. Between them, tax time and the mid-term elections, I won't get a break for months. So, what's up?

JESUS

I'm throwing you a freebie soul. A big one. A real get.

LUCIFER

A little suspicious.

You're doing me a favor? If it's Tiger Woods or the CEO of Toyota, you're wasting your breath, because I already got . . . Hey, wait a minute — it's not another televangelist is it?

JESUS

No, no, no, nothing like that.

LUCIFER

Okay, okay. I'll bite. Who is it?

JESUS

Elton John.

LUCIFER

Elton John? The Yellow Brick Road, Rocket Man, Candle in the Wind Elton John?

JESUS

The same.

LUCIFER

Jeez, what'd he do? I thought he was a lock for your team.

JESUS

Well, he was.

LUCIFER

Checking computer screen.

I don't see him on the schedule; what's the hurry? 

JESUS

Something he said.

LUCIFER

Something he said? You're damning his soul to an eternity of fire and brimstone for an utterance? That's kinda harsh. Must be a doozy.

JESUS

Yeah, he, um, said, ehhhhh; well, he said I was gay.

LUCIFER

Does spit take with coffee he'd just sipped and then laughs.

JESUS

Hey, it's not funny!

LUCIFER

Oh, yes it is. C'mon, really? For that? After everything that's been said about you for all this time? You've been called way worse.

JESUS

Agitated

Well that's it exactly. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, I've just had it with everybody presuming to reinterpret me as whatever suits them; revolutionary, reactionary, groovy nature boy, rock star, smiter of rival sports teams and political parties, nutritionist,  banker. . . ! Personal savior, yes; Rorschach test, no. Enough, already! 

LUCIFER

While squinting at something his computer screen.

I take your point, but I think you're being a little touchy about this one. . . Hey, it says here that he also said you were smart. You don't credit for that often enough, if you ask me.

JESUS

Nice of you to say so, but do you want him or not?

LUCIFER

Sure, sure. I can put him to good use. God knows how many people hate Crocodile Rock. . .

JESUS

Yes He does.

LUCIFER

Typing.

Okay, he's in. I owe you one. Oh, before I forget, whose in charge of the Oscar Pool this year?

JESUS

Gabriel. You want he should call you?

LUCIFER

No, I'll text him once I've made all my picks. Ten nominees? What a joke.

 

Lying now.

Oh, gotta run, I have another call...

JESUS

Aware he's being lied to.

Mm, hmm. Yeah, right. Later.

Opening Spring 2010

Everybody's Fired

If you liked 2009's Up in the Air and Everybody's Fine, then you'll love this film:

Robert DeNiro and George Clooney star in this wacky yet heart-warming romp as rival corporate hatchetmen in a race to lay off everyone in North America who's still got a job. When they meet mid-air during a cross-country flight on which they've both been contracted to fire the entire crew, they face their final showdown — with each other! 

Who will fire first?

(UK title: Layoffs on a Plane) 

This film has not yet been rated.

Rejected Commemorative Quarters

From 1970. Reverse side features image of Mount Vernon and the motto "I AIN'T GONNA WORK ON MARTHA'S FARM NO MORE".

The Name Game: Historic Edition

On April 28, 1942, World War II was officially named World War II as the result of a Gallup Poll on what to call the widespread conflict America had recently entered.

Other contenders included:

Another World War: Now Including Asia!

The War to End All Wars That The War to End All Wars Before it Didn't

Good v Evil: The Smackdown

The World Wide War*

*Except for Switzerland, Sweden, Portugal, Central and South America, Greenland, Iceland, Antarctica, the North Pole and much of Africa.

Again with the Fighting!

The Global Conflict That Will End the Depression, Usher in American Prosperity and Provide The History Channel with a Limitless Supply of B&W Combat Footage.

Bob

Alternate Endings

"Wait, Pop! Old Yeller isn't rabid, he just ate some of this soap!"

• • •

"Private Ryan, all of your brothers have been killed in combat and we're here to take you out of harm's way."

"Alrighty then. Let's get the hell out of here before any more shooting starts."

• • •

"We're outnumbered pretty bad here, Butch. Whaddaya say we give ourselves up and take our chances with the Bolivian court system?"

• • •

"Hey, don't toss that in the furnace, it's Rosebud, Mr. Kane's beloved childhood sled!"

 • • •

"Open the pod bay doors, Hal."

"Okey dokey, Dave!"

Many Happy Returns

Reincarnation-Themed Greeting Cards

Stop Bragging, We All Did Shirley MacLaine at Some Point

I Liked You Better as a Woolly Mammoth

Can You Still Do That Thing With Your Tongue?

No, Dear,  I  Was Cleopatra

It Could Be Worse, You Could Have Come Back as a Blogger

So, You Don't Remember Where We Hid the Loot, Either?

Don't Worry; You Get Used to Not Having a Tail

Better Luck Next Time

Well, At Least Maybe This Time (pick one):

• You'll Look Before You Leap

• You Won't Have to Have to be Lead Around on a Leash... Unless You're Into That 

• You'll Know Better Than to Trust Me

• We're Not Related, Because That Would Make Us Being Married Way Creepy

• You'll Believe the Park Rangers About the Bears

• Somebody Asked You to the Prom. No, Oooh, Sorry

• You'll Wait That Half-Hour Before Swimming 

If I Ate It, How I Did It

My Dog, Roscoe, Describes How He Would Have Eaten My Socks and Got Into the Trash—If He Had.

First, let me point out — again — that I am absolutely, positively 100% not guilty. To accuse me of something you didn't actually see me do is just wrong and more than a little insulting. But, since you seem so fixated on the matter, I will indulge you and hypothesize.

I don't know how the wire-mesh trash can under your desk got knocked over or how the wax paper in it smeared with remnants of the donuts you had for "breakfast" this morning while checking your email got chewed up and strewn around the rug. A rug that is way on the other side of the room, I might add. As to the relative merits of those donuts as a morning meal, the less said the better. Tasty, yes, but not nearly as filling as you'd expect them to be and not the sort of thing you should start the day with. That's why I — if I had — would have waited until at least almost noon to tip over the trash can which, by the way, is so much easier when it's filled to overflowing, the way you routinely leave it. The thing was about to fall over by itself. The slightest breeze could have done it. All I would have needed to do — if I had done anything — would be gently nudge it with my nose and wait for the crash. Which would have been surprisingly loud. If I'd been anywhere near it at the time. Which I wasn't. 

In regards the socks, T-shirt and shorts tossed carelessly on the bedroom floor when you left for work Monday, after wearing them all weekend without showering and that gave off a potpourri of Old Spice, cigars and your scent... I cannot begin to fathom how you justify believing I had anything to do with rolling around on, then gnawing them. When you came in Monday evening I was waiting by the front door like always — you saw me there, remember? You almost fell over me — while the items in question were in the bedroom all the way at the back of the apartment! Hello! Do I have an evil twin now? Is there a dog around here that looks just like me but with a goatee? I don't see one.

This may sound like I'm trying to pass the buck, and the last thing I want to do is blame the victim, although you seem pretty quick to point fingers. We could debate all night who, exactly, is at fault here and for what. You have to admit that leaving such temptations out in the open for anyone — whomever it might have been — to get at so easily is kind of asking for it. I realize that you're still angry and don't want to talk about this anymore. Fine. Neither do I. What's done is done. Let's not dwell on the past. It isn't healthy. Let's just put this incident — unpleasant as it is — behind us and get me outside where I can pee on stuff.