Ant Farmer's Almanac

Who Are The 9%?

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) A recent CBS News poll shows only 9% of Americans approve of the way congress is doing its job. Upon further investigation it was revealed that this 9% consists entirely of the members of congress themselves, their families, office and household staffs, campaign contributors, lobbyists and the writing staffs of late night comedy shows.

Heads or Tails, We Lose

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Inspired by Rand Paul's recent denial of any link between air pollution and asthma, Michelle Bachman now says that the visible curvature of the earth as photographed from outer space is not proof the world is round, asserting instead, "That just shows it's a round flat disc, like a coin," and vows that as president she will build a reinforced concrete barrier underneath the U.S. to prevent any Chinese attempt to tunnel in from the other side.

Herman Cain Assigned Secret Service Protection from Himself

Agents on order to tackle and restrain candidate if he attempts to speak near a microphone and to tase him when an attractive woman is within sight.

After much speculation about what "credible threat" prompted the Herman Cain campaign's request for Secret Service protection for their candidate comes the surprising answer: Herman Cain.

"He's the biggest liability we've got," says an anonymous high-ranking Cain campaign staffer, "We've kept this guy in contention for way longer than anyone expected, but every time he opens his mouth, we lose support and financing; we've come too far to let him blow it for us now."

"In 2008, it was all about pigs in lipstick," the staffer continues, "This time around, it's pigs with wings, and the longer we can keep this one in the air, the better," adding, "And believe me, in this shitty economy, having 'Can Make Pigs Fly' is a handy thing to have on your resume."

Drew Carey to Moderate Next Republican Debate

"Hey, Asking Silly Questions to Get Crazy Answers is What I Do!" Says Comedy-Improv/Game Show Host

LAS VEGAS (AFA NewsWire) CNN has announced that the next debate of Republican presidential candidates will be moderated by comic Drew Carey, former host of the improvisational comedy show, Whose Line Is It, Anyway? and currently the host of The Price is Right.

Carey insists his participation isn't politically motivated, despite his outspoken Libertarianism. "This is strictly about showbiz," laughs the comic, "The kind of crazy-ass stuff this bunch comes up with is pure comedy gold," he says, adding, "Bad for the country, sure, but damned entertaining."

CNN spokesman Dan Undah explained the format change this way, "Look, our research shows the only reason people are watching these things is in the hope of catching some looney policy proposal, another eyebrow malfunction or maybe that one of the candidates starts speaking in tongues," he continued with a shrug, "We've just tailored the program to viewers' preferences."

The studio will be arranged like the set of Whose Line, with the candidates seated in low-backed swivel chairs instead of standing behind podiums, and Carey will be at a desk onstage.

It isn't known whether the debaters will be expected to respond to suggestions from the audience, although a spokesman for Michelle Bachman acknowledges that the congresswoman has been meeting with advisors about what to do if she has to be "stuck in an elevator" with Mitt Romney and Herman Cain.

Producers would neither confirm or deny that the candidates will arrive onstage together in a tiny car, then emerge from it one by one.

Their Favorite Year

We submit for your approval our take on what year each Republican presidential candidate idealizes and would return the country to if given the chance.

Mitt Romney: 1959.  With a pompadour straight from Efram Zimbalist, Jr. in his 77 Sunset Strip days, Romney embodies the look, if not the spirit, of that brief, shining moment between the Eisenhower and Kennedy eras. This period is a proven winner with advertisers aiming for the aging Baby Boomer demographic as well as with those among of the Greatest Generation who are still allowed to drive.

A Romney presidency might singlehandedly bring back Brylcreem, if not huge tailfins on cars. Whether his policies would prove him the sort of Eisenhower Republican Rachel Maddow longs for isn't clear, but his haircut is a damn good start. Happy Days is here again. Again.

Rick Perry: 1836-1846.  We can picture Perry fitting right into that thrilling decade when Texas was an independent republic, making it all up as they went along, picking and choosing among the bits and pieces of the U.S. constitution they liked and ditching anything that wasn't met with enthusiastic yelps of "Yeeeehaaaaaw!" and random gunfire.

Michelle Bachman: 1429. 
Like Joan of Arc, who was at her peak that year, Bachman burns with a fiery passion. Both claim to have been called by God to save their respective nations; Joan to deliver France from the English, Michelle to cleanse America of homosexuals, vaccinations, taxes and anything else she that's just a little too secular for her taste. And, at least in the case of the retardation-inducing vaccines, Bachman, like the Maid of Orleans, tends to hear voices no one else can.

If she's not careful, though, Bachman's presidential path might too closely follow Joan's career arc; having rallied the troops, built up morale and won key battles, once her usefulness is over, she could get hung out to dry by those whose power she helped secure.

Ron Paul: 1757. 
Paul's call for America to return to self-reliance without any pesky government interference puts us in mind of James Fenimore Cooper's Last of the Mohicans. That is, the libertarian paradise that was colonial-era upstate New York. In this eden lives Deerslayer (aka Natty Bumpo, aka Leather-Stocking, aka Hawkeye, aka Pathfinder; hey, it's the frontier, you can call yourself whatever you want). He roams the wilderness with his indian pals, slaying deer and what-not, free from all the bothersome rules, regulations, taxes and indoor plumbing of so-called civilized society. This idyll is rudely interrupted when both of the governments waging the French and Indian Wars (along with attendant indians) show up and start trampling all over his individual rights, to say nothing of what they do to the Mohicans (spoiler alert in the book's title). 

Newt Gingrich. 1866.  1866 providing the Confederacy had won the Civil War. Otherwise, any point in time the antebellum American south.

The Also-Runners

Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, John Huntsman, Buddy Roemer, Tom Miller, Jimmy McMillan, Andy Martin, Fred Karger, Gary Johnson, Vern Wuensche: 2013. They can go back to whatever they were doing before the campaign and add to their list of hobbies showing up on TV to scold us about how we wouldn't be in such a mess if we'd elected them. They should start reciting the phrase, "As I said in my presidential campaign..." in front of the mirror every morning as soon as possible.

Withdrawn But Not Forgotten

Sarah Palin: 1898-1901. Even the coy manner in which she teased us for so long over "will she or won't she" run reinforces our image of Palin as a boomtown saloon girl during the Alaskan Gold Rush entertaining horny miners in some Klondike clip joint. Her flirty ways and sassy talk would keep 'em buying drinks until they got fresh enough that she had to either make it clear she wasn't 'that kind of girl' or name her price. Like voters today, if those lovesick miners didn't have the nuggets, they had to make do with nearest pig in lipstick. 

Donald Trump: 1984. That Trump's self-delusions of grandeur would become his most prominent feature isn't news now, but in 1984, few suspected he would go so far around so many bends. In '84, he was 38, a young millionaire on the make and, having profited from New York City's default years, was now busily buying up Atlantic City at bargain basement prices. Not yet dubbed "The Donald," Trump was featured — unironically! — on the cover of GQ that year, his hair still looking more-or-less something like actual human hair. And, so far as we know, he had no apprentices. Five years from his first bankruptcy and still with his first wife, the only dark cloud on Trump's golden boy horizon was his ownership of the USFL's New Jersey Generals. Good times.  

A Few Minutes Without Andy Rooney

60 Minutes' Curmudgeon Ponders Retirement

Ever notice how so many "He's-so-old" jokes involve throwing kids off of lawns?

I have. And since my retirement was announced, there've been a lot of jokes about how I'll spend more time hollering at kids to get out of my front yard. I don't get that. Is this really a thing that happens? I've never had kids on my lawn, much less had to holler at them to get off of it and I've been an old guy for a really long time now. 

Maybe it's because retired guys are home at times of the day when everyone else is at work, and that's when kids go around traipsing on other peoples' lawns. Then again, if that was the case, why haven't housewives been throwing kids off their lawns for years? Maybe they're too busy being desperate or something, I don't know.

Besides, all the kids in my neighborhood have their own lawns; why would they stand on mine? Or maybe I should be insulted that they don't. It's a nice lawn. I pay someone good money to keep it tidy, and he does a very nice job. Then again, I've never looked at any lawn — even one way nicer than mine — and thought, "Gee, I'd really like to go stand on that." 

Anyway, I guess I'll know soon enough whether retiring suddenly makes you more territorial about your front yard. Once I'm officially a retiree, I plan to sit out on the porch and see if any kids show up on my lawn. If they do, I won't holler at them, I'll just ask them if this is their idea of a good time and if it is, I'll feel kind of sorry for them. 

 

Today in Yesteryear

1990: Salman Rushdie, condemned to death in a fatwah by an Iranian mullah, contributes $8,600 to help Iranian earthquake victims; unmoved, most of his would-be assassins now plan on taking his wallet as well as whacking him.

Missionary Position

NEW YORK (AFA Fashion NewsWire) The hit Broadway musical The Book of Mormon, that swept this year's Tony Awards (winning a total of nine awards, including Best Musical), has also kicked off an unexpected — and unlikely — fashion trend among urban hipsters. 

Within hours of the musical's Tony triumph, young men in the trendier precincts of Manhattan were seen sporting the characteristic short-sleeved white shirts, narrow tie (preferably clip-on), black slacks and black shoes polished to a high sheen favored by Mormon missionaries. 

The style has been dubbed the "Look of Mormon."  

"Admittedly, there's only a fine line between the delicious camp of 'The Look of Mormon' and 'Fashion-Challenged Neo-Nerd'," concedes fashion consultant Trent Fowler, "But there are rules. First: no white socks — they're earnest, these missionary boys, not idiotic two: no plastic pocket protectors. If you see someone wearing more-or-less this ensemble, but with either white socks or an old-fashion pocket protector in their shirt, what you've got is either a middle school math teacher, an FBI intern or a NASA engineer magically transported here from 1967."

While knapsacks and ironic glasses (non-prescription lenses) are popular accessories, so far name tags or sincere, deeply-held religious convictions have not caught on.

 

Latest Anthony Weiner Twitter Pic Aims (a little) Higher

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In what many characterize as a desperate effort to win back his constituents with a show of his devotion to them, Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has tweeted a photo of pubic hair trimmed into the shape of the congressional district he represents.

While Weiner would not confirm that the pubic hair shown was, in fact his own, he did acknowledge "...with absolute certitude," that the pubes' shape was that of the Ninth Congressional District of New York; one, he continued, that he "...would recognize anwywhere and wear proudly, even if only in his underwear and out of the sight of everyone except those who follow him on Twitter."

In other news: The Disney Company has declined the offer to buy the rights to the phrase "Weinergate".

 

U.S. Department of Irony Celebrates Success of Anthony Weiner Scandal

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) It was all smiles, high-fives and champagne today in offices of the U.S. Department of Irony. The festive mood is in celebration of a week-long news cycle that included a sex scandal with no actual sex, lewd photos of the penis of a congressman named "Weiner," whose wife works for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and, the "Icing on the cake," according to USDOI press secretary Anne N. Amos, that the Weiners' wedding was officiated by Bill Clinton.

"It's easy to get discouraged and jaded at this job, especially in this town" said USDOI deputy director Hugh Morliss, "So a streak like this is a real morale booster," adding, "We don't usually see this much activity without a televangelist being involved."

Top 10 Excuses for Why the World Didn't End on May 21, 2011, Like Radio Minister Harry Camping Said it Would:

10) Mayan restraining order prohibits end of world before December 21, 2012.

9) Overslept. 

8) No, no, no, that's when As the World Turns ends. 

7) It was supposed to be a surprise, but once word got out, God changed the date (he can do that, you know). 

6) Really curious how they'll pull off Ashton Kutcher's replacing Charlie Sheen.

5) Just not feeling all that "raptury." 

4) Haven't sold all of the "It's the End of the World and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts, yet. 

3) Couldn't find a sitter.

2) Wanted to see what kind of crazy stunt Donald Trump pulls next. 

1) Traffic. 

 

New iPhone App Tracks User Naughtiness, Niceness

THE NORTH POLE (AFA NewsWire) The day after the Wall Street Journal reported that Apple's iPhone and iPad as well as Google's HTC Android track and transmit the locations of their users for storage in the companies' databases comes the startling revelation of another application in these devices that gauges user behavior, determining activity as "naughty" or "nice."

The application, iCU, developed by Kringle Surveillance Systems and dubbed the "Santa-App," uploads its findings to a vast bank of computers in the Artic Circle, where it is analyzed to determine each phone users' "gift-recipient eligibility."

At a press conference Kringle's public relations director Ann Elph would not address reporters' questions regarding what standard of ethics and/or morality the application is calibrated by or whether crying and pouting still qualify as "naughty." Elph focused instead on the precision of iCU's metrics, "Our information is absolutely accurate," emphasized Elph, "We check it twice. If you doubt iCU's evaluative veracity, think back to what was under your tree last Christmas, and ask yourself if you really, truly deserved anything better."

In response to questions about the iCU being an actionable violation of phone users' constitutional right to privacy, Elph pointed out that, "Hey, you agreed to it. It's not a secret; it's right there in the contract's small print -- subsection eight, paragraph three of the Santa Clause," adding with a sigh, "Maybe you should try actually reading these things, for once... there's all kinds of crap in there you wouldn't like if you knew about it." 

 iPhone case by designer Thomas Hooper and available for sale. They're very cool and you should get one. Tell him the Ant Farmer's Almanac sent you. He won't know what you mean, but still.

"Arthur" Remake Sequels

Arthur II: Tipsy Turvey

Arthur III: The Hangover (copyright litigation pending)

Arthur IV: Rehab Daze

Arthur V: Pickled Tink

Arthur VI: Traffic School Confidential

Arthur VII: Drunk & Drunkerer

Arthur VIII: Back in Rehab 3-D

Arthur IX: My Big Fat Enlarged Liver

Arthur X: Last Call - Four Failed Marriages & a Funeral

 

Homeland Security Acts to Prevent Sheen-Taymor Alliance

"Together, These Two Trainwrecks Could Bring Down the Whole Damn Country"

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) During an impassioned speech in which she warned of "Devastating consequences," Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano today urged congress to take swift action to ensure that actor Charlie Sheen and director Julie Taymor are never in the same place at the same time.

"Individually, each is a walking catastrophe," Napolitano intoned gravely, "And have displayed reckless disregard and disdain for the consequences of their actions, wreaking havoc and costing millions in collateral damage," she continued, "Now that they've both gone rogue; what could happen if they ever joined forces is..." Napolitano paused, visibly shaken by the thought, "Unthinkable."

"However remote, any possibility of their being in close enough proximity to combine their destructive powers into a single malevolent force constitutes a clear and present danger," Napolitano insisted, "We must take every step and pay any price to ensure that this is never allowed to happen."

The bill would make it a Federal crime for Sheen and Taymor to both be in the same or even adjacent zip codes and also make illegal any communication between them.

Asked if celebrity driven catastrophes weren't already covered in the Ishtar Act of 1987, Napolitano explained that while that law has successfully prevented further collaborations between Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, "It just doesn't go nearly far enough for something like this."

"There is no time to lose. Right this minute," suggested Napolitano ominously, "Sheen could be boarding a train in Los Angeles, heading east at 60 mph, and at the same moment Taymor could be getting on a train in New York heading west at 62 miles an hour... do you want the time and place to meet to be in your state?"

Keith Olbermann Will Not Replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men," Insist CBS Execs

Keith Olbermann! Who Wants That Kind of Headache? Say Show's Producers

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) To quell the wild rumors of Keith Olbermann replacing Charlie Sheen while the Two-and-a-Half Men star goes through rehab, CBS has officially announced that the remainder of this season's episodes will consist entirely of cast members performing dramatic readings of Chuck Lorre vanity cards. 

Traditionally a studio or production company logo — such as the MGM Lion, Fox's Searchlight, Ubu Productions' "Sit, Ubu, Sit" clip — that appears briefly after the closing credits, Lorre's vanity cards feature instead an offbeat essay or witty observation in tiny typewriter print. 

"Everybody loves Chuck's wacky vanity cards," says Bryce Boyd, CBS vice president of programming, "But they go by so fast you can't read the whole thing," adding, "Unless, of course, you go to Lorre's website where they're all posted, but nobody ever does that."

Boyd admits that temporarily replacing Sheen, then building a story arc (arrival of long-lost uncle/cousin/guy who once saved Charlie's life) that could be ejected as soon as Sheen returned was discussed, and that casting the Dos Equis Most-Interesting-Man-in-the-World guy was seriously considered, but casting Olbermann was not. "That suggestion," says Boyd, "Came out of a room full of comedy writers terrified that they'd now have to go out and get real jobs." 

One of the solutions they will own up to was for different actors from the 80s Brat Pack to successively play Sheen's character over the remaining episodes, in the style of Todd Haynes' film I'm Not There in which six performers — men and women — each portrayed Bob Dylan. Unfortunately, what the producers saw as an "homage," Mr. Haynes' lawyers saw as "actionable." 

Instead, Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Holland Taylor, Marin Hinkle and Conchata Ferrell will read the vanity cards to a studio audience from the Two and a Half Men set.

"It was the cheapest of the proposed solutions," explains Boyd, "And," he added, "Considering the likely drop in ad revenue after the first one of these airs, the only one we could afford to sign off on."

This Week on "60 Minutes," Julian Assange. But First, a Few Words from Andy Rooney...

There's been a lot of talk about wikileaks, lately. I don't know what a wiki is, exactly, but I'm pretty if you've got one that leaks, there's probably something wrong with it.  

Are wikis anything like tikis? We used to have tiki torches around our patio... I don't know what happened to them... we probably put them in a shed someplace when they ran out of whatever it was they burned. It didn't smell bad, so I don't think it was kerosene, but it didn't smell nice, either, like citronella; you know, to keep bugs away. 

Come to think of it, when we had those tiki torches, we'd drink something called a "Wiki Waki Woo". It was pretty tasty. Very fruity, if I remember right. You wouldn't want it to leak. That would be an awful waste of whatever's in it. Rum, I think. Are these wikis anything like them? I sure hope so.

I just don't want one that leaks.

About 1.05 per Pound US$, If You Melt it Down for the Lead

 

The New York Times asks the question, "What is a College Degree Worth in China?"

A Supposedly Modest Proposal That No One Would Ever Take Seriously

How About This...

Extend 100% of the tax cuts for those making less than $250K; 75% for those making between $250K and $500K; 50% for those making between $500K and $750K; and 25% for those making between $750K and $1 million; and 0% for those making more than a cool mil per year. 

Then let the congressional tax-cut hard-liners explain why they think millionaires shouldn't pay taxes (and, bear in mind that we're not talking about people who've managed to amass a million dollars over time at a lower annual rate, just those who'll pull in another million this year). 

Besides, the money that the top tier will spend trying to find ways around paying their share of taxes will (if their pet trickle-down theory is to be believed) trickle down to many thousands of accountants who will then, in turn stimulate the economy by buying new ledger books, pencils, green eyeshades, adding machines, etc.

Randy Quaid Wins Write-in Votes in Alaska, Delaware and Nevada

"You Want Bat-Shit Insane? We'll Give You Bat-Shit Insane!" is Voter Message

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In a surprise twist in Tuesday's mid-term elections, actor and raving lunatic Randy Quaid (National Lampoon's Vacation, Independence Day, Kingpin) was simultaneously elected to seats in the U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives from Alaska, Delaware and Nevada.

After a bizarre campaign season involving candidates most voters found nothing short of embarrassing, a spontaneous last-minute write-in vote in all three states has swept the once-accomplished actor and felonious wack-job into office.

"I mean, why not?" asked, Lee Odivinsky of Dover, Delaware, "If being bat-shit insane is the qualification for office and congress is gonna be full of loonies, we want our guy to be the bull-goose looniest of them all," adding, in what seems the prevailing sentiment, "Given our options, it wasn't a hard choice; besides, he was really good in that movie with the spaceships."

While highly irregular, it isn't clear that Mr. Quaid can be prevented from holding and serving all three positions at once. "The results are still being tallied up," said Robert Campin of the Federal Election Commission, "But even with the counting unfinished, he's won by such a huge landslide it'd be hard to overturn."

Asked about the logistical difficulties of having one person represent three separate states in both houses of congress, Campin replied, "We're not sure if one of his diagnoses is multiple personality disorder, but it would certainly help."

Reached for comment from inside the "fort" he and his wife had built out of the bedsheets in their Vancouver, British Columbia hotel room, Quaid issued a press release stating, "Gabba gowacka, ek, ek, arooooooh, ek, gowaka!"

Quaid's agent, Syd Hollenbeck, cautioned against moving forward too quickly, "Whoa, hey, before my client goes anywhere we gotta talk salary, per diem, accommodations, points on the back end, residuals, merchandising, time served. . . have those states' people call me, then we'll talk."

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?