Ant Farmer's Almanac

Who Are The 9%?

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) A recent CBS News poll shows only 9% of Americans approve of the way congress is doing its job. Upon further investigation it was revealed that this 9% consists entirely of the members of congress themselves, their families, office and household staffs, campaign contributors, lobbyists and the writing staffs of late night comedy shows.

Their Favorite Year

We submit for your approval our take on what year each Republican presidential candidate idealizes and would return the country to if given the chance.

Mitt Romney: 1959.  With a pompadour straight from Efram Zimbalist, Jr. in his 77 Sunset Strip days, Romney embodies the look, if not the spirit, of that brief, shining moment between the Eisenhower and Kennedy eras. This period is a proven winner with advertisers aiming for the aging Baby Boomer demographic as well as with those among of the Greatest Generation who are still allowed to drive.

A Romney presidency might singlehandedly bring back Brylcreem, if not huge tailfins on cars. Whether his policies would prove him the sort of Eisenhower Republican Rachel Maddow longs for isn't clear, but his haircut is a damn good start. Happy Days is here again. Again.

Rick Perry: 1836-1846.  We can picture Perry fitting right into that thrilling decade when Texas was an independent republic, making it all up as they went along, picking and choosing among the bits and pieces of the U.S. constitution they liked and ditching anything that wasn't met with enthusiastic yelps of "Yeeeehaaaaaw!" and random gunfire.

Michelle Bachman: 1429. 
Like Joan of Arc, who was at her peak that year, Bachman burns with a fiery passion. Both claim to have been called by God to save their respective nations; Joan to deliver France from the English, Michelle to cleanse America of homosexuals, vaccinations, taxes and anything else she that's just a little too secular for her taste. And, at least in the case of the retardation-inducing vaccines, Bachman, like the Maid of Orleans, tends to hear voices no one else can.

If she's not careful, though, Bachman's presidential path might too closely follow Joan's career arc; having rallied the troops, built up morale and won key battles, once her usefulness is over, she could get hung out to dry by those whose power she helped secure.

Ron Paul: 1757. 
Paul's call for America to return to self-reliance without any pesky government interference puts us in mind of James Fenimore Cooper's Last of the Mohicans. That is, the libertarian paradise that was colonial-era upstate New York. In this eden lives Deerslayer (aka Natty Bumpo, aka Leather-Stocking, aka Hawkeye, aka Pathfinder; hey, it's the frontier, you can call yourself whatever you want). He roams the wilderness with his indian pals, slaying deer and what-not, free from all the bothersome rules, regulations, taxes and indoor plumbing of so-called civilized society. This idyll is rudely interrupted when both of the governments waging the French and Indian Wars (along with attendant indians) show up and start trampling all over his individual rights, to say nothing of what they do to the Mohicans (spoiler alert in the book's title). 

Newt Gingrich. 1866.  1866 providing the Confederacy had won the Civil War. Otherwise, any point in time the antebellum American south.

The Also-Runners

Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, John Huntsman, Buddy Roemer, Tom Miller, Jimmy McMillan, Andy Martin, Fred Karger, Gary Johnson, Vern Wuensche: 2013. They can go back to whatever they were doing before the campaign and add to their list of hobbies showing up on TV to scold us about how we wouldn't be in such a mess if we'd elected them. They should start reciting the phrase, "As I said in my presidential campaign..." in front of the mirror every morning as soon as possible.

Withdrawn But Not Forgotten

Sarah Palin: 1898-1901. Even the coy manner in which she teased us for so long over "will she or won't she" run reinforces our image of Palin as a boomtown saloon girl during the Alaskan Gold Rush entertaining horny miners in some Klondike clip joint. Her flirty ways and sassy talk would keep 'em buying drinks until they got fresh enough that she had to either make it clear she wasn't 'that kind of girl' or name her price. Like voters today, if those lovesick miners didn't have the nuggets, they had to make do with nearest pig in lipstick. 

Donald Trump: 1984. That Trump's self-delusions of grandeur would become his most prominent feature isn't news now, but in 1984, few suspected he would go so far around so many bends. In '84, he was 38, a young millionaire on the make and, having profited from New York City's default years, was now busily buying up Atlantic City at bargain basement prices. Not yet dubbed "The Donald," Trump was featured — unironically! — on the cover of GQ that year, his hair still looking more-or-less something like actual human hair. And, so far as we know, he had no apprentices. Five years from his first bankruptcy and still with his first wife, the only dark cloud on Trump's golden boy horizon was his ownership of the USFL's New Jersey Generals. Good times.  

A Few Minutes Without Andy Rooney

60 Minutes' Curmudgeon Ponders Retirement

Ever notice how so many "He's-so-old" jokes involve throwing kids off of lawns?

I have. And since my retirement was announced, there've been a lot of jokes about how I'll spend more time hollering at kids to get out of my front yard. I don't get that. Is this really a thing that happens? I've never had kids on my lawn, much less had to holler at them to get off of it and I've been an old guy for a really long time now. 

Maybe it's because retired guys are home at times of the day when everyone else is at work, and that's when kids go around traipsing on other peoples' lawns. Then again, if that was the case, why haven't housewives been throwing kids off their lawns for years? Maybe they're too busy being desperate or something, I don't know.

Besides, all the kids in my neighborhood have their own lawns; why would they stand on mine? Or maybe I should be insulted that they don't. It's a nice lawn. I pay someone good money to keep it tidy, and he does a very nice job. Then again, I've never looked at any lawn — even one way nicer than mine — and thought, "Gee, I'd really like to go stand on that." 

Anyway, I guess I'll know soon enough whether retiring suddenly makes you more territorial about your front yard. Once I'm officially a retiree, I plan to sit out on the porch and see if any kids show up on my lawn. If they do, I won't holler at them, I'll just ask them if this is their idea of a good time and if it is, I'll feel kind of sorry for them. 

 

Today in Yesteryear

1990: Salman Rushdie, condemned to death in a fatwah by an Iranian mullah, contributes $8,600 to help Iranian earthquake victims; unmoved, most of his would-be assassins now plan on taking his wallet as well as whacking him.

Latest Anthony Weiner Twitter Pic Aims (a little) Higher

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In what many characterize as a desperate effort to win back his constituents with a show of his devotion to them, Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has tweeted a photo of pubic hair trimmed into the shape of the congressional district he represents.

While Weiner would not confirm that the pubic hair shown was, in fact his own, he did acknowledge "...with absolute certitude," that the pubes' shape was that of the Ninth Congressional District of New York; one, he continued, that he "...would recognize anwywhere and wear proudly, even if only in his underwear and out of the sight of everyone except those who follow him on Twitter."

In other news: The Disney Company has declined the offer to buy the rights to the phrase "Weinergate".

 

Homeland Security Acts to Prevent Sheen-Taymor Alliance

"Together, These Two Trainwrecks Could Bring Down the Whole Damn Country"

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) During an impassioned speech in which she warned of "Devastating consequences," Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano today urged congress to take swift action to ensure that actor Charlie Sheen and director Julie Taymor are never in the same place at the same time.

"Individually, each is a walking catastrophe," Napolitano intoned gravely, "And have displayed reckless disregard and disdain for the consequences of their actions, wreaking havoc and costing millions in collateral damage," she continued, "Now that they've both gone rogue; what could happen if they ever joined forces is..." Napolitano paused, visibly shaken by the thought, "Unthinkable."

"However remote, any possibility of their being in close enough proximity to combine their destructive powers into a single malevolent force constitutes a clear and present danger," Napolitano insisted, "We must take every step and pay any price to ensure that this is never allowed to happen."

The bill would make it a Federal crime for Sheen and Taymor to both be in the same or even adjacent zip codes and also make illegal any communication between them.

Asked if celebrity driven catastrophes weren't already covered in the Ishtar Act of 1987, Napolitano explained that while that law has successfully prevented further collaborations between Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, "It just doesn't go nearly far enough for something like this."

"There is no time to lose. Right this minute," suggested Napolitano ominously, "Sheen could be boarding a train in Los Angeles, heading east at 60 mph, and at the same moment Taymor could be getting on a train in New York heading west at 62 miles an hour... do you want the time and place to meet to be in your state?"

Keith Olbermann Will Not Replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men," Insist CBS Execs

Keith Olbermann! Who Wants That Kind of Headache? Say Show's Producers

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) To quell the wild rumors of Keith Olbermann replacing Charlie Sheen while the Two-and-a-Half Men star goes through rehab, CBS has officially announced that the remainder of this season's episodes will consist entirely of cast members performing dramatic readings of Chuck Lorre vanity cards. 

Traditionally a studio or production company logo — such as the MGM Lion, Fox's Searchlight, Ubu Productions' "Sit, Ubu, Sit" clip — that appears briefly after the closing credits, Lorre's vanity cards feature instead an offbeat essay or witty observation in tiny typewriter print. 

"Everybody loves Chuck's wacky vanity cards," says Bryce Boyd, CBS vice president of programming, "But they go by so fast you can't read the whole thing," adding, "Unless, of course, you go to Lorre's website where they're all posted, but nobody ever does that."

Boyd admits that temporarily replacing Sheen, then building a story arc (arrival of long-lost uncle/cousin/guy who once saved Charlie's life) that could be ejected as soon as Sheen returned was discussed, and that casting the Dos Equis Most-Interesting-Man-in-the-World guy was seriously considered, but casting Olbermann was not. "That suggestion," says Boyd, "Came out of a room full of comedy writers terrified that they'd now have to go out and get real jobs." 

One of the solutions they will own up to was for different actors from the 80s Brat Pack to successively play Sheen's character over the remaining episodes, in the style of Todd Haynes' film I'm Not There in which six performers — men and women — each portrayed Bob Dylan. Unfortunately, what the producers saw as an "homage," Mr. Haynes' lawyers saw as "actionable." 

Instead, Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Holland Taylor, Marin Hinkle and Conchata Ferrell will read the vanity cards to a studio audience from the Two and a Half Men set.

"It was the cheapest of the proposed solutions," explains Boyd, "And," he added, "Considering the likely drop in ad revenue after the first one of these airs, the only one we could afford to sign off on."

In Memorium

Milton M. Levine, the man who invented the ant farm, has died at the age of 92. RIP, Mr. Levine, without you, this site would probably have some really silly name.

This Week on "60 Minutes," Julian Assange. But First, a Few Words from Andy Rooney...

There's been a lot of talk about wikileaks, lately. I don't know what a wiki is, exactly, but I'm pretty if you've got one that leaks, there's probably something wrong with it.  

Are wikis anything like tikis? We used to have tiki torches around our patio... I don't know what happened to them... we probably put them in a shed someplace when they ran out of whatever it was they burned. It didn't smell bad, so I don't think it was kerosene, but it didn't smell nice, either, like citronella; you know, to keep bugs away. 

Come to think of it, when we had those tiki torches, we'd drink something called a "Wiki Waki Woo". It was pretty tasty. Very fruity, if I remember right. You wouldn't want it to leak. That would be an awful waste of whatever's in it. Rum, I think. Are these wikis anything like them? I sure hope so.

I just don't want one that leaks.

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?

I M SO HI RT NOW LOL!

"Ncell, a subsidiary of Swedish telecom company TeliaSonera, announced Friday that they have set up seven 3G base stations in the Everest region, allowing climbers and trekkers to access wireless Internet and make video calls..." 

Top Seven Texts from the Top of Mt. Everest:

1) I CN C UR HOUS FRM HEAR!

5) NOT MUCH. U?

3) THIS FONE'S GPS SUX

4) IM ON TOP OF WORLD, MA!

6) HOLD N, HAVE OTHER CALL

7) K, HOW DO WE GT DOWN?

News Bleeps

Michael Jackson has landed in the No. 1 spot on Forbes' Top-Earning Dead Celebrities List, raking in a cool $275 million from beyond the grave. His closest competitor, Elvis Presley, came in a distant second with $60 million. Presley, contacted at the Kenosha, Wisconsin gas station he's run since 1978, refused to comment, but appeared to be "All shook up."

George Soros has given $1 million in support of California's marijuana legalization Proposition 19 campaign. This announcement came only one day after the news of Soros' having invested heavily in Doritos' parent company, Frito-Lay, Inc.

Short-Tempered Celebrities Concerned About Rapid Depletion of Alphabet

Recent Scandals Over N-word and R-word Leave Fewer Offensive Word Abbreviations Unranted

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) Between Mel Gibson's expletive-filled ravings, Jennifer Aniston using the R-word on Live! with Regis & Kelly and Dr. Laura Schlessinger's N-word radio rant, the number of letters that offensive words start with and can be recognizably abbreviated down to now stands at a mere seven.

Along with the N- and R-words, the A-word, B-word, C-word, D-word, F-word/bomb, H-word, J-word, K-word, L-word, M/F-word, P-word, Q-word, S-word, T-word, V-word, W-word and Z-word (although, "Zionist" is probably too anachronistic to be very insulting) have all been deployed by one or other prominent media personage.

With 19 letters of the alphabet's 26 already spoken for, only e, g, i, o, u, x and sometimes y are still available for use in eruptions of bigoted, anger-fueled scatological insult or thoughtless offhand remarks.

The situation constitutes a crisis for celebrity loose cannons eager to make their mark. "These seven letters don't leave much to work with," acknowledges Dr. Verne Bose, chairman of the UCLA English Department, "I mean "e"? What are you supposed to do with that? It'll take some real creativity to wring much originality and shock value out of this bunch." Bose, however, reassures those worried that Mel Gibson will finish off the alphabet first through frequency and volume alone, "He does seem bent on breaking some sort of record, but he generally sticks with the classics."

Justin Bieber 3-D Biopic to Star Hilary Swank

Film Will Premiere Valentine's Day 2011, Just in Case You Won't Already Be Depressed Enough on That Day 

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) Paramount Pictures has confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that Justin Bieber's life story will be the subject of a 3-D movie, and is slated to have Hilary Swank in the lead role as the teen singing sensation.

Although Swank's spokespeople could not be reached for comment, her resemblance to Bieber and previous portrayals of teenaged boys make her the front runner. Some, however, insist that Swank's looks are simply "too boyish" to convincingly play Justin.

Set to open on Valentine's Day 2011, the movie is as yet untitled, but is likely to share the name of Bieber's forthcoming memoir, First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The chapter on how he finds 'spelling and stuff' to be, "Like, really hard" is expected to provide the film's emotional core.

Whether the home video of Justin's birth will be included is up to the director. Rumors that Bieber's parents have and will allow use of footage of his conception are unconfirmed.

City of Cleveland Declares Itself Free Agent, Seeks Offers from Better Climates

With LeBron James Heading to Miami, Clevelanders Find No Reason to Remain

CLEVELAND (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) In the wake of LeBron James' leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat, the City of Cleveland is now hoping to relocate to another part of the country; preferably one with milder winters.

"We're devastated, of course," says Thom Katt, professor of socio-anthropology at Case Western University, "But, for most of us, this is just the final of many last straws. Given the choice, most of us would move to Miami, too," adding, "And for millions and millions and millions of dollars, well duh! I mean, ask me again in February, I'd pay you to get me out of here! And I've got tenure!" Katt shuddered at the memory of frigid winter winds coming in from Lake Erie, muttering to himself, "So cold. So cold..."

As similar sentiments were expressed throughout the city, from Shaker Heights to Broadview Heights, Richmond Heights to Garfield Heights and University Heights to Middleburg Heights, the city council was called in to emergency session to discuss relocation offers from a large tract of marshland on the Louisiana Gulf Coast and several stretches of Arizona along the border with Mexico.

Although Drew Carey could not be reached for comment, his publicist's intern issued a statement wishing the Price is Right host's hometown all the best, confidently asserting that, "No matter where it winds up, Cleveland will probably still rock!" asking, "That is the place that rocks, right?"

It is not clear whether nearby Chagrin Falls would be included in the move.

From Russia with 8x10 Glossies

 SCENE

Exterior: the Kremlin, Moscow

Cut to: Interior, dingy office inside former KGB building. Sitting at a battered metal desk is agent Boris Badenov, surfing the web on a knock-off Macbook Pro.

Fellow agent Natasha Fatale enters

NATASHA

Boris, dahlink, they've captured our agents in U.S.! 

BORIS

I know, bubchik. Everything is working perfectly!

NATASHA

Boris, how much vodka you drink this morning?

BORIS

All part of careful plan. They are in news; is first step.

NATASHA

I don't follow.

BORIS

First, they get arrested. Done. Now in news; almost celebrities. Anna Chapman is real looker, so will stay in news. Next is interviews, magazine articles, photo shoots — maybe book deal!

NATASHA

That's it? We plant spies in U.S. to get them book deal?

BORIS

Is only beginning! Once they're famous, next is reality TV show. Camera crew follows Anna around and films her being spy. She sits around house complaining how hard it is. She develops microfilm from tiny camera. She speaks Russian into short-wave radio. She asks salesclerk too many questions: "How much for this blouse and what is NATO troop strength in Turkey." 

NATASHA

But she's famous for being enemy spy. 

BORIS

Hey, she's famous for doing something. Kardashians famous what for? At least Gabor sisters could act a little.

NATASHA

Good point. . . wait, Gabors were KGB?

BORIS

No, no, no, forget that part, is still classified. Stay with first point.

NATASHA

Okay. So good for them, how is good for us?

BORIS

Next phase: spinoffs! Way it works, one show succeeds, make five more like it. So, now we're television producers. We pitch for next show maybe Real Russian Gangsters' Housewives of Moscow. Then, Kiev, St. Petersburg, Brighton Beach... 

NATASHA

What is ends to justify this means?

BORIS

Copyrights, syndication and advertising revenue. Big bucks. Enough to buy for us beachfront dacha size of Kremlin and get invite to Emmys. That, and we further erode American pop culture. Not that they need help from us.

NATASHA

Hey, how about show about mail-order Russian brides?

BORIS

Now you're thinking! The Bachelorette: International Edition! 

NATASHA

You know, all anyone in U.S. can talk about is Cynthia Murphy's hydrangeas. Maybe for her a gardening show on HGTV?

BORIS

So long as no nude photos turn up, could be winner. Otherwise we stick to Bravo and E! If lucky, maybe Fox.

NATASHA

Boris, dahlink, you are evil genius. 

BORIS

Is True! I am real stinker! Bwahahahahahahaha!

Shatner Wept

Patrick Stewart is knighted.

As consolation, Tim Hortons is offering William Shatner a lifetime 20% discount on donuts (non cream-filled only).

Separated at Birth?

Conservative Candidate for Governor of New York Rick Lazio/MSNBC Host Rachel Maddow . . .

Honestly, though, who's really got the better hair?

This Week in "Duh!"

Woody Allen Speaks Out in Defense of Roman Polanski.

Milwaukee Brewers' Player Detained, Deported Before Game in Phoenix

MAY 7, 2010, 6:15 PM

New Arizona Law to Give Diamondbacks Unique Home Field Advantage?

PHOENIX (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) Many peoples' worst fears over the effects of Arizona's harsh new anti-illegal immigrant law on visiting teams and fans were realized Friday when a player for the Milwaukee Brewers was questioned, detained and deported prior to the evening's game.

Major League Baseball has already expressed its concerns over this law by considering relocating the 2011 All-Star Game from Phoenix to San Diego. In addition, the Phoenix Suns' Cinco de Mayo tradition of wearing jerseys emblazoned with "Los Suns" in honor of the Latino community and diversity of the league sparked unprecedented controversy this year.

It is ironic then, that the visiting team player at the center of this incident was Canadian-born Brewers' catcher George Kottaras.

Chase Field security guard B.G. Ott, who made the arrest, stated that Kottaras' "luminescent paleness" and "over-eager friendliness" were the tip-offs that he "wasn't from around here."

That, and as Ott put it, "His story just didn't add up. A Canadian playing baseball in America? C'mon! Hockey, maybe, but I mean, pffft!"

Ott's suspicions led him to place Kottaras under citizens arrest and forcibly put him on the first bus "back" to Canada.

Team, stadium and municipal authorities were quickly falling over each other to apologize and to point out that the Ott was "overzealous and acted alone, without either the approval or knowledge of anyone from any of their organizations." The Diamondbacks spokesman also emphatically insisted this isn't just a way to psych-out visiting teams with worry about whether their "papers are all in order."

At press time, Kottaras was still aboard a northbound Trailways bus whose first scheduled stop is Salt Lake City. Although he will be "released from custody" there, he will not make it back on time for Friday's game.

There is an unconfirmed rumor that several hispanic Diamondbacks players were also stopped and questioned by stadium security, but managed to get on the field by pretending to be part of the groundskeeping crew.