Ant Farmer's Almanac

Weekend Newz

"Home Invasions or Space Invaders,
More Guns is the Only Solution"

Arming the International Space Station Astronauts Could Have Prevented Russian Meteor Tragedy, says NRA Prez Wayne LaPierre

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) Speaking to reporters Friday as news of the damage and injuries was still trickling in from Chelyabinsk, Russia, NRA president Wayne LaPierre cited the meteor's crash site as evidence that, "No meteor would dare hit the United States of America," LaPierre insisted, "Not so long as we not only manufacture and sell the sort of weaponry needed to fend off such a threat; but that those weapons are available freely and in volume to every citizen, and at attractively affordable prices."

"The only thing that can stop bad meteors is good astronauts with guns," continued LaPierre, urging NASA to arm all personnel on the International Space Station, "Ideally, American astronauts," LaPierre quickly added, "Barring that, only the arming of every citizen on the planet can guarantee our continued safety from the effects of objects falling from space."

Asked if this meant the people of Chelyabinsk, where the 7,000-ton meteor fell to the earth in a dramatic fireball, were somehow 'asking for it', LaPierre stated that his point was that, "Decades of government dictated communism had deprived them of gun ownership, leaving them without the firepower to protect themselves, something that the current talk about maybe looking into doing something symbolic and virtually unenforceable in regards gun regulation in the U.S. would surely lead to."

Mr. LaPierre abruptly ended the press conference when he received word that someone had "built a fire down on Main Street that needed to be shot full of holes." 

Elsewhere, gun rights advocate Alex Jones was seen shouting defiantly at the sky, daring it to drop anything his way and promising to blast it back to kingdom come, unless, of course, it was aimed at Piers Morgan.

Let's Just Leave Geraldo 'At Large' — Chris Christie

NJ Guv Nixes Sending 'Stash to the Senate

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (AFA NewsWire) Despite 48% of New Jersey Republicans adamantly stating that they wouldn't support him if he ran and only 26% of registered voters statewide offering a whiff of interest in seeing him get elected, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News commentator and radio host, continues to hint that he'll seek the senate seat being vacated by Frank Lautenberg, who is retiring after nearly 30 years in office. 

"Oh, like we haven't got enough trouble already," sighed a weary Governor Chris Christie upon hearing the news of Rivera's intentions at the state capitol in Trenton.

"We've got real problems that need real solutions," said Christie, "What we don't need is a big mustache attached to a bigger ego, entering the already overcrowded competition for Biggest Jackwad in Congress..." adding, "Call me back when Springsteen says he wants to run for the senate."

 

Psychiatrists Declare U.S. Congress "Batshit Insane"

Washington Residents Strongly Advised to Avoid Capitol Building During Full Moon

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) A panel of psychiatrists today diagnosed the U.S. Congress as being, by any standard of measure, "Batshit insane." 

The group of distinguished psychologists was gathered in the nation's capitol for a symposium on the topic, "Exponential Growth of Cognitive Dissonance as a Factor in Public Policy Decision Making." 

"It was while we were reviewing the last couple of years' transcripts and tapes from the Congressional Record, and members of the House of Representatives' remarks to the press and the public," said the panel's spokesman Dr. Gerald Bostock, Director of Psychiatry at the Cleveland Clinic, "That they voted to repeal Obama Care [the Affordable Care Act] for the 33rd time, despite knowing full well that, like the 32 times before, the bill would die in the Senate." 

"Soon after, Michelle Bachman and four colleagues called for an investigation into alleged Muslim infiltration of the State Department," continued Bostock, "Joe McCarthy and Roy Cohn must be yucking it up in hell right now." 

"Even given the lunacy we've come to expect from this bunch, they've now gone way beyond merely dysfunctional," Bostock intoned, gravely. 

"Any mental patient that repeats the same behavior over and over again, expecting a different result is a prime candidate for institutionalization," he said, shaking his head in dismay, "But, thirty three times! And knowing it won't work? That's just . . ." Bostock paused, searching for the right words, "Fucking nuts."

The panel's art therapist, after viewing the doodles made by members of congress, visible from enlargements of footage recorded by C-Span cameras, was found curled up in the fetal position muttering, "The horror, the horror. . ." 

The panel's written report recommends that the entire congress be ". . . locked up with the key thrown away. . . to remain heavily medicated and under constant supervision, until such time as they no longer present such a clear and present danger to the people they're supposed to be representing."

 

Who Are The 9%?

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) A recent CBS News poll shows only 9% of Americans approve of the way congress is doing its job. Upon further investigation it was revealed that this 9% consists entirely of the members of congress themselves, their families, office and household staffs, campaign contributors, lobbyists and the writing staffs of late night comedy shows.

Heads or Tails, We Lose

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Inspired by Rand Paul's recent denial of any link between air pollution and asthma, Michelle Bachman now says that the visible curvature of the earth as photographed from outer space is not proof the world is round, asserting instead, "That just shows it's a round flat disc, like a coin," and vows that as president she will build a reinforced concrete barrier underneath the U.S. to prevent any Chinese attempt to tunnel in from the other side.

Herman Cain Assigned Secret Service Protection from Himself

Agents on order to tackle and restrain candidate if he attempts to speak near a microphone and to tase him when an attractive woman is within sight.

After much speculation about what "credible threat" prompted the Herman Cain campaign's request for Secret Service protection for their candidate comes the surprising answer: Herman Cain.

"He's the biggest liability we've got," says an anonymous high-ranking Cain campaign staffer, "We've kept this guy in contention for way longer than anyone expected, but every time he opens his mouth, we lose support and financing; we've come too far to let him blow it for us now."

"In 2008, it was all about pigs in lipstick," the staffer continues, "This time around, it's pigs with wings, and the longer we can keep this one in the air, the better," adding, "And believe me, in this shitty economy, having 'Can Make Pigs Fly' is a handy thing to have on your resume."

Drew Carey to Moderate Next Republican Debate

"Hey, Asking Silly Questions to Get Crazy Answers is What I Do!" Says Comedy-Improv/Game Show Host

LAS VEGAS (AFA NewsWire) CNN has announced that the next debate of Republican presidential candidates will be moderated by comic Drew Carey, former host of the improvisational comedy show, Whose Line Is It, Anyway? and currently the host of The Price is Right.

Carey insists his participation isn't politically motivated, despite his outspoken Libertarianism. "This is strictly about showbiz," laughs the comic, "The kind of crazy-ass stuff this bunch comes up with is pure comedy gold," he says, adding, "Bad for the country, sure, but damned entertaining."

CNN spokesman Dan Undah explained the format change this way, "Look, our research shows the only reason people are watching these things is in the hope of catching some looney policy proposal, another eyebrow malfunction or maybe that one of the candidates starts speaking in tongues," he continued with a shrug, "We've just tailored the program to viewers' preferences."

The studio will be arranged like the set of Whose Line, with the candidates seated in low-backed swivel chairs instead of standing behind podiums, and Carey will be at a desk onstage.

It isn't known whether the debaters will be expected to respond to suggestions from the audience, although a spokesman for Michelle Bachman acknowledges that the congresswoman has been meeting with advisors about what to do if she has to be "stuck in an elevator" with Mitt Romney and Herman Cain.

Producers would neither confirm or deny that the candidates will arrive onstage together in a tiny car, then emerge from it one by one.

Their Favorite Year

We submit for your approval our take on what year each Republican presidential candidate idealizes and would return the country to if given the chance.

Mitt Romney: 1959.  With a pompadour straight from Efram Zimbalist, Jr.'s 77 Sunset Strip days, Romney embodies the look, if not the spirit, of that brief, shining moment between the Eisenhower and Kennedy eras. This period is a proven winner with advertisers aiming for the aging Baby Boomer demographic as well as with those among the Greatest Generation who are still allowed to drive.

A Romney presidency might singlehandedly bring back Brylcreem, if not huge tailfins on cars. Whether his policies would prove him the sort of Eisenhower Republican Rachel Maddow longs for isn't clear, but his haircut is a damn good start. Happy Days is here again. Again.

Rick Perry: 1836-1846.  We can picture Perry fitting right into that thrilling decade when Texas was an independent republic, making it all up as they went along, picking and choosing among the bits and pieces of the U.S. constitution they liked and ditching anything that wasn't met with enthusiastic yelps of "Yeeeehaaaaaw!" and random gunfire.

Michelle Bachman: 1429. 
Like Joan of Arc, who was at her peak that year, Bachman burns with a fiery passion. Both claim to have been called by God to save their respective nations; Joan to deliver France from the English, Michelle to cleanse America of homosexuals, vaccinations, taxes and anything else she that's just a little too secular for her taste. And, at least in the case of the retardation-inducing vaccines, Bachman, like the Maid of Orleans, tends to hear voices no one else can.

If she's not careful, though, Bachman's presidential path might too closely follow Joan's career arc; having rallied the troops, built up morale and won key battles, once her usefulness is over, she could get hung out to dry by those whose power she helped secure.

Ron Paul: 1757. 
Paul's call for America to return to self-reliance without any pesky government interference puts us in mind of James Fenimore Cooper's Last of the Mohicans. That is, the libertarian paradise that was colonial-era upstate New York. In this eden lives Deerslayer (aka Natty Bumpo, aka Leather-Stocking, aka Hawkeye, aka Pathfinder; hey, it's the frontier, you can call yourself whatever you want). He roams the wilderness with his indian pals, slaying deer and what-not, free from all the bothersome rules, regulations, taxes and indoor plumbing of so-called civilized society. This idyll is rudely interrupted when both of the governments waging the French and Indian Wars (along with attendant indians) show up and start trampling all over his individual rights, to say nothing of what they do to the Mohicans (spoiler alert in the book's title). 

Newt Gingrich. 1866.  1866 providing the Confederacy had won the Civil War. Otherwise, any point in time the antebellum American south.

The Also-Runners

Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, John Huntsman, Buddy Roemer, Tom Miller, Jimmy McMillan, Andy Martin, Fred Karger, Gary Johnson, Vern Wuensche: 2013. They can go back to whatever they were doing before the campaign and add to their list of hobbies showing up on TV to scold us about how we wouldn't be in such a mess if we'd elected them. They should start reciting the phrase, "As I said in my presidential campaign..." in front of the mirror every morning as soon as possible.

Withdrawn But Not Forgotten

Sarah Palin: 1898-1901. Even the coy manner in which she teased us for so long over "will she or won't she" run reinforces our image of Palin as a boomtown saloon girl during the Alaskan Gold Rush entertaining horny miners in some Klondike clip joint. Her flirty ways and sassy talk would keep 'em buying drinks until they got fresh enough that she had to either make it clear she wasn't 'that kind of girl' or name her price. Like voters today, if those lovesick miners didn't have the nuggets, they had to make do with nearest pig in lipstick. 

Donald Trump: 1984. That Trump's self-delusions of grandeur would become his most prominent feature isn't news now, but in 1984, few suspected he would go so far around so many bends. In '84, he was 38, a young millionaire on the make and, having profited from New York City's default years, was busily buying up Atlantic City at bargain basement prices. Not yet dubbed "The Donald," Trump was featured — unironically! — on the cover of GQ that year, his hair still looking more-or-less something like actual human hair. And, so far as we know, he had no apprentices. Five years from his first bankruptcy and still with his first wife, the only dark cloud on Trump's golden boy horizon was his ownership of the USFL's New Jersey Generals. Good times.  

Go the F**k to Work!

Bedtime Stories for a Cranky Congress

With as many days off as a Frenchman
And many more times the perks,
On those occasions when you are in session,
Please go the f**k to work.

* * *

The chattering class may revere you
Or revel in revealing your quirks,
But giving interviews isn’t your job here,
So go the f**k back to work!

* * * 

A fife and a drum and a tricorn
Are fun costumes for you worthless dorks,
But, if you had the first clue to their meaning, you'd
Get the f**k back to work!

* * *

Really, so now we're your hostages?
What morons elected you insufferable twerps?
Grow a brain -- even just one for the bunch of you, 
Then get the f**k back to work!

* * *

Having driven us nearly to ruin,
Constitutional duties you shirk,
We’re just hanging on by our thumbs, here,
So, get the f**k to work!

Excerpts from the forthcoming book, Go the F**k to Work: Bedtime Stories for a Cranky Congress, copyright 2011, Now What Media. Illustrations by Tom Hachtman.

 

Today in Yesteryear

1990: Salman Rushdie, condemned to death in a fatwah by an Iranian mullah, contributes $8,600 to help Iranian earthquake victims; unmoved, most of his would-be assassins now plan on taking his wallet as well as whacking him.

Latest Anthony Weiner Twitter Pic Aims (a little) Higher

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In what many characterize as a desperate effort to win back his constituents with a show of his devotion to them, Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has tweeted a photo of pubic hair trimmed into the shape of the congressional district he represents.

While Weiner would not confirm that the pubic hair shown was, in fact his own, he did acknowledge "...with absolute certitude," that the pubes' shape was that of the Ninth Congressional District of New York; one, he continued, that he "...would recognize anwywhere and wear proudly, even if only in his underwear and out of the sight of everyone except those who follow him on Twitter."

In other news: The Disney Company has declined the offer to buy the rights to the phrase "Weinergate".

 

U.S. Department of Irony Celebrates Success of Anthony Weiner Scandal

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) It was all smiles, high-fives and champagne today in offices of the U.S. Department of Irony. The festive mood is in celebration of a week-long news cycle that included a sex scandal with no actual sex, lewd photos of the penis of a congressman named "Weiner," whose wife works for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and, the "Icing on the cake," according to USDOI press secretary Anne N. Amos, that the Weiners' wedding was officiated by Bill Clinton.

"It's easy to get discouraged and jaded at this job, especially in this town" said USDOI deputy director Hugh Morliss, "So a streak like this is a real morale booster," adding, "We don't usually see this much activity without a televangelist being involved."

Homeland Security Acts to Prevent Sheen-Taymor Alliance

"Together, These Two Trainwrecks Could Bring Down the Whole Damn Country"

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) During an impassioned speech in which she warned of "Devastating consequences," Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano today urged congress to take swift action to ensure that actor Charlie Sheen and director Julie Taymor are never in the same place at the same time.

"Individually, each is a walking catastrophe," Napolitano intoned gravely, "And have displayed reckless disregard and disdain for the consequences of their actions, wreaking havoc and costing millions in collateral damage," she continued, "Now that they've both gone rogue; what could happen if they ever joined forces is..." Napolitano paused, visibly shaken by the thought, "Unthinkable."

"However remote, any possibility of their being in close enough proximity to combine their destructive powers into a single malevolent force constitutes a clear and present danger," Napolitano insisted, "We must take every step and pay any price to ensure that this is never allowed to happen."

The bill would make it a Federal crime for Sheen and Taymor to both be in the same or even adjacent zip codes and also make illegal any communication between them.

Asked if celebrity driven catastrophes weren't already covered in the Ishtar Act of 1987, Napolitano explained that while that law has successfully prevented further collaborations between Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, "It just doesn't go nearly far enough for something like this."

"There is no time to lose. Right this minute," suggested Napolitano ominously, "Sheen could be boarding a train in Los Angeles, heading east at 60 mph, and at the same moment Taymor could be getting on a train in New York heading west at 62 miles an hour... do you want the time and place to meet to be in your state?"

This Week on "60 Minutes," Julian Assange. But First, a Few Words from Andy Rooney...

There's been a lot of talk about wikileaks, lately. I don't know what a wiki is, exactly, but I'm pretty if you've got one that leaks, there's probably something wrong with it.  

Are wikis anything like tikis? We used to have tiki torches around our patio... I don't know what happened to them... we probably put them in a shed someplace when they ran out of whatever it was they burned. It didn't smell bad, so I don't think it was kerosene, but it didn't smell nice, either, like citronella; you know, to keep bugs away. 

Come to think of it, when we had those tiki torches, we'd drink something called a "Wiki Waki Woo". It was pretty tasty. Very fruity, if I remember right. You wouldn't want it to leak. That would be an awful waste of whatever's in it. Rum, I think. Are these wikis anything like them? I sure hope so.

I just don't want one that leaks.

A Supposedly Modest Proposal That No One Would Ever Take Seriously

How About This...

Extend 100% of the tax cuts for those making less than $250K; 75% for those making between $250K and $500K; 50% for those making between $500K and $750K; and 25% for those making between $750K and $1 million; and 0% for those making more than a cool mil per year. 

Then let the congressional tax-cut hard-liners explain why they think millionaires shouldn't pay taxes (and, bear in mind that we're not talking about people who've managed to amass a million dollars over time at a lower annual rate, just those who'll pull in another million this year). 

Besides, the money that the top tier will spend trying to find ways around paying their share of taxes will (if their pet trickle-down theory is to be believed) trickle down to many thousands of accountants who will then, in turn stimulate the economy by buying new ledger books, pencils, green eyeshades, adding machines, etc.

Randy Quaid Wins Write-in Votes in Alaska, Delaware and Nevada

"You Want Bat-Shit Insane? We'll Give You Bat-Shit Insane!" is Voter Message

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In a surprise twist in Tuesday's mid-term elections, actor and raving lunatic Randy Quaid (National Lampoon's Vacation, Independence Day, Kingpin) was simultaneously elected to seats in the U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives from Alaska, Delaware and Nevada.

After a bizarre campaign season involving candidates most voters found nothing short of embarrassing, a spontaneous last-minute write-in vote in all three states has swept the once-accomplished actor and felonious wack-job into office.

"I mean, why not?" asked, Lee Odivinsky of Dover, Delaware, "If being bat-shit insane is the qualification for office and congress is gonna be full of loonies, we want our guy to be the bull-goose looniest of them all," adding, in what seems the prevailing sentiment, "Given our options, it wasn't a hard choice; besides, he was really good in that movie with the spaceships."

While highly irregular, it isn't clear that Mr. Quaid can be prevented from holding and serving all three positions at once. "The results are still being tallied up," said Robert Campin of the Federal Election Commission, "But even with the counting unfinished, he's won by such a huge landslide it'd be hard to overturn."

Asked about the logistical difficulties of having one person represent three separate states in both houses of congress, Campin replied, "We're not sure if one of his diagnoses is multiple personality disorder, but it would certainly help."

Reached for comment from inside the "fort" he and his wife had built out of the bedsheets in their Vancouver, British Columbia hotel room, Quaid issued a press release stating, "Gabba gowacka, ek, ek, arooooooh, ek, gowaka!"

Quaid's agent, Syd Hollenbeck, cautioned against moving forward too quickly, "Whoa, hey, before my client goes anywhere we gotta talk salary, per diem, accommodations, points on the back end, residuals, merchandising, time served. . . have those states' people call me, then we'll talk."

It's . . .

Election Day!

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?

Newt Gingrich Demands Apology for North's Victory in Civil War

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) Sources close to the White House switchboard have confirmed that a voice-mail message it received for President Obama, requesting a "...long-overdue apology for winning the War of Northern Aggression against the patriotic and peace-loving Confederate States of America," had been left by former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. 

This voice-mail is only one among many recent efforts by Gingrich, via text, tweet and Facebook postings, to "reach out" to the president in the interest of "closure" and for "some explanation for the hostile action taken and irreparable harm done by your armies against the people of the Confederacy." 

Asked for comment about his repeated demands that the president express regret and/or contrition over the Union's victory in the conflict that ended 145 years ago, Mr. Gingrich — who has written several "alternative history" books in which the South prevails in the Civil War — peevishly responded that "the president's silence on this matter speaks for itself. There's really no need for me to elaborate."

Mr. Obama, who is currently away from the capital filming an episode of Mythbusters that attempts to prove the Democrats can retain their majority in the House of Representatives in November, could not be reached for comment.

Illustration by Martin Kozlowski.

In Other News: Astronomers who recently photographed the "oldest thing ever seen in the universe" through the Hubble telescope were embarrassed to find out that it had already appeared on Larry King Live in 1987.

Random Thought No. 250,000 (More or Less)

From now on, anyone arguing in favor of extending the tax cuts for those making more than $250,000 must disclose whether they personally make $250,000 or more; and, if they're arguing against extending the tax cuts and make more than $250,000, they should probably have their heads examined...

From Russia with 8x10 Glossies

 SCENE

Exterior: the Kremlin, Moscow

Cut to: Interior, dingy office inside former KGB building. Sitting at a battered metal desk is agent Boris Badenov, surfing the web on a knock-off Macbook Pro.

Fellow agent Natasha Fatale enters

NATASHA

Boris, dahlink, they've captured our agents in U.S.! 

BORIS

I know, bubchik. Everything is working perfectly!

NATASHA

Boris, how much vodka you drink this morning?

BORIS

All part of careful plan. They are in news; is first step.

NATASHA

I don't follow.

BORIS

First, they get arrested. Done. Now in news; almost celebrities. Anna Chapman is real looker, so will stay in news. Next is interviews, magazine articles, photo shoots — maybe book deal!

NATASHA

That's it? We plant spies in U.S. to get them book deal?

BORIS

Is only beginning! Once they're famous, next is reality TV show. Camera crew follows Anna around and films her being spy. She sits around house complaining how hard it is. She develops microfilm from tiny camera. She speaks Russian into short-wave radio. She asks salesclerk too many questions: "How much for this blouse and what is NATO troop strength in Turkey." 

NATASHA

But she's famous for being enemy spy. 

BORIS

Hey, she's famous for doing something. Kardashians famous what for? At least Gabor sisters could act a little.

NATASHA

Good point. . . wait, Gabors were KGB?

BORIS

No, no, no, forget that part, is still classified. Stay with first point.

NATASHA

Okay. So good for them, how is good for us?

BORIS

Next phase: spinoffs! Way it works, one show succeeds, make five more like it. So, now we're television producers. We pitch for next show maybe Real Russian Gangsters' Housewives of Moscow. Then, Kiev, St. Petersburg, Brighton Beach... 

NATASHA

What is ends to justify this means?

BORIS

Copyrights, syndication and advertising revenue. Big bucks. Enough to buy for us beachfront dacha size of Kremlin and get invite to Emmys. That, and we further erode American pop culture. Not that they need help from us.

NATASHA

Hey, how about show about mail-order Russian brides?

BORIS

Now you're thinking! The Bachelorette: International Edition! 

NATASHA

You know, all anyone in U.S. can talk about is Cynthia Murphy's hydrangeas. Maybe for her a gardening show on HGTV?

BORIS

So long as no nude photos turn up, could be winner. Otherwise we stick to Bravo and E! If lucky, maybe Fox.

NATASHA

Boris, dahlink, you are evil genius. 

BORIS

Is True! I am real stinker! Bwahahahahahahaha!