Satellite Photos of Gulf Spill to be New Rorschach Test
NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) The latest trend in psychological testing has researchers showing satellite images of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, then interpreting subjects' responses for insight into personality traits.
"Those blotchy ink blots were so out of date," said Dan Ondah, head of RoarShack® Lab Testing Services, "These oil spill pictures offer up a more marketable demographic profile."
Example results include:
67% of political progressives shown the picture clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in environmental damage, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.
72% of self-described libertarians saw in the pictures clear evidence of government's inability to do anything right and 28% saw proof that government shouldn't be doing anything in the first place, with a crossover of 39% seeing both.
62% of self-described fundamentalist evangelicals saw the face of the Virgin Mary, 29% saw the face of Pat Robertson and 9% saw the face of Dick Cheney.
98.6% of self-described hard-right neocons saw clear evidence of President Obama's failure to lead, 12% of that 98.6% also saw an unfortunate-but-unavoidable-and-totally-not-anybody's-fault-so-get-off-the-oil-industry's-back-about-it accident, with the remaining 2.4% seeing the face of Dick Cheney.
43% of Tea Partiers reacted by shouting angry slogans and 57% held up misspelled signs.
37% of Hollywood celebrities saw their next cause to champion, 61% asked "What's my motivation?" with 2% asking if this counted toward their community service.
88% of gulf coast beach-front home owners saw falling property values.
A northward-bound migrating goose shown the picture began checking maps for alternate routes to Canada.
Seven blind men asked to describe the image by touch alone all agreed that it was an elephant.
67% of oil company executives clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in lost profits, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.
WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Just hours after the stunning announcement of its discovery of water on Mars, NASA issued a statement saying that further evidence indicates that it was almost certainly bottled water.
"We're still processing information coming in from the Mars rover, so we don't have all the answers," said Dr. Joseph P. Manley, during a phone interview from his offices at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena and amid boisterous celebrations, "For instance, we don't yet know whether the water was sparkling or just regular."
Asked to address speculation by scientists from outside NASA that this new "evidence" is just "space litter", perhaps a drink cannister discarded from the Russian Soyez space station or an early U.S. shuttle mission, Dr. Manley's reply could not be heard over the background noise, which included the sound of popping champagne corks, noisemakers, slurping sounds and chants of "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and "Man-LEE! Man-LEE! Man-LEE!".
After a resounding belch, Dr. Manley continued, "At the very least, we know there was enough water on Mars to support life as we know it, which, of course also means that in all likelihood, Martians hosted wet t-shirt contests and, uh, mud wrestling."
When queried about earlier reports that the rover had found indications of vast enough amounts of water to have once covered the entire Martian surface, Manley paused and responded, "Whoa! That much water would be, like, an ocean. And if there were oceans, then there would be sharks. . . Martian sharks" Manley hesitated, then went on, "Nothing we've got can defeat them! We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you! Run for your lives! Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"
Another JPL scientist, Dr. James "Jim-Bob" Reyman, picked up the dropped phone to continue the interview, "Yes, what we've seen today confirms that there was water and, therefore, life, on Mars," concluded Dr. Reyman, who would not, however, confirm or deny that the bottled water found was really just tap water run through a filter and cleverly marketed, saying only that "Since it was bottled water, whatever life there was on Mars, while clearly intelligent, was also very gullible."