Ant Farmer's Almanac

Homeland Security Acts to Prevent Sheen-Taymor Alliance

"Together, These Two Trainwrecks Could Bring Down the Whole Damn Country"

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) During an impassioned speech in which she warned of "Devastating consequences," Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano today urged congress to take swift action to ensure that actor Charlie Sheen and director Julie Taymor are never in the same place at the same time.

"Individually, each is a walking catastrophe," Napolitano intoned gravely, "And have displayed reckless disregard and disdain for the consequences of their actions, wreaking havoc and costing millions in collateral damage," she continued, "Now that they've both gone rogue; what could happen if they ever joined forces is..." Napolitano paused, visibly shaken by the thought, "Unthinkable."

"However remote, any possibility of their being in close enough proximity to combine their destructive powers into a single malevolent force constitutes a clear and present danger," Napolitano insisted, "We must take every step and pay any price to ensure that this is never allowed to happen."

The bill would make it a Federal crime for Sheen and Taymor to both be in the same or even adjacent zip codes and also make illegal any communication between them.

Asked if celebrity driven catastrophes weren't already covered in the Ishtar Act of 1987, Napolitano explained that while that law has successfully prevented further collaborations between Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, "It just doesn't go nearly far enough for something like this."

"There is no time to lose. Right this minute," suggested Napolitano ominously, "Sheen could be boarding a train in Los Angeles, heading east at 60 mph, and at the same moment Taymor could be getting on a train in New York heading west at 62 miles an hour... do you want the time and place to meet to be in your state?"

Keith Olbermann Will Not Replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men," Insist CBS Execs

Keith Olbermann! Who Wants That Kind of Headache? Say Show's Producers

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) To quell the wild rumors of Keith Olbermann replacing Charlie Sheen while the Two-and-a-Half Men star goes through rehab, CBS has officially announced that the remainder of this season's episodes will consist entirely of cast members performing dramatic readings of Chuck Lorre vanity cards. 

Traditionally a studio or production company logo — such as the MGM Lion, Fox's Searchlight, Ubu Productions' "Sit, Ubu, Sit" clip — that appears briefly after the closing credits, Lorre's vanity cards feature instead an offbeat essay or witty observation in tiny typewriter print. 

"Everybody loves Chuck's wacky vanity cards," says Bryce Boyd, CBS vice president of programming, "But they go by so fast you can't read the whole thing," adding, "Unless, of course, you go to Lorre's website where they're all posted, but nobody ever does that."

Boyd admits that temporarily replacing Sheen, then building a story arc (arrival of long-lost uncle/cousin/guy who once saved Charlie's life) that could be ejected as soon as Sheen returned was discussed, and that casting the Dos Equis Most-Interesting-Man-in-the-World guy was seriously considered, but casting Olbermann was not. "That suggestion," says Boyd, "Came out of a room full of comedy writers terrified that they'd now have to go out and get real jobs." 

One of the solutions they will own up to was for different actors from the 80s Brat Pack to successively play Sheen's character over the remaining episodes, in the style of Todd Haynes' film I'm Not There in which six performers — men and women — each portrayed Bob Dylan. Unfortunately, what the producers saw as an "homage," Mr. Haynes' lawyers saw as "actionable." 

Instead, Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Holland Taylor, Marin Hinkle and Conchata Ferrell will read the vanity cards to a studio audience from the Two and a Half Men set.

"It was the cheapest of the proposed solutions," explains Boyd, "And," he added, "Considering the likely drop in ad revenue after the first one of these airs, the only one we could afford to sign off on."

This Week on "60 Minutes," Julian Assange. But First, a Few Words from Andy Rooney...

There's been a lot of talk about wikileaks, lately. I don't know what a wiki is, exactly, but I'm pretty if you've got one that leaks, there's probably something wrong with it.  

Are wikis anything like tikis? We used to have tiki torches around our patio... I don't know what happened to them... we probably put them in a shed someplace when they ran out of whatever it was they burned. It didn't smell bad, so I don't think it was kerosene, but it didn't smell nice, either, like citronella; you know, to keep bugs away. 

Come to think of it, when we had those tiki torches, we'd drink something called a "Wiki Waki Woo". It was pretty tasty. Very fruity, if I remember right. You wouldn't want it to leak. That would be an awful waste of whatever's in it. Rum, I think. Are these wikis anything like them? I sure hope so.

I just don't want one that leaks.

Bravo to Produce "Real Housewives of Bravo's Real Housewives Producers"

New Reality Show Spotlights Reality Show Creators' Spouses

LOS ANGELES (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) The wives of Bravo's Real Housewives of... creators are the focus of the latest entry in that reality show franchise.

The Real Housewives of Real Housewives will document the daily routines and sometimes outrageous antics of the spouses of the reality shows creators and producers.

"After filming those women from New Jersey, New York, Orange County, Beverly Hills and Atlanta," says series co-creator Saul Less, "We got to wondering what the hell our wives were doing while we were at work."

The answer to that question, judging by an episode screened for critics, involves botox and collagen injections, shopping, berating the household staff, cavorting with pool boys and personal trainers, and long lunches at which they complain endlessly about their husbands, each other and express feeling unjustly snubbed by the wives of prime-time network television shows' producers.

"I'm betting this show lasts longer than some of these marriages will," noted one critic.

Less denies allegations that the show is merely a ruse to gather incriminating evidence for his and other producers' impending divorce cases.

Other new Bravo reality shows currently in development include The Real Mistresses of Park Avenue and Trophy Wives of Beverly Hills.

Shatner Wept

Patrick Stewart is knighted.

As consolation, Tim Hortons is offering William Shatner a lifetime 20% discount on donuts (non cream-filled only).

Separated at Birth?

Conservative Candidate for Governor of New York Rick Lazio/MSNBC Host Rachel Maddow . . .

Honestly, though, who's really got the better hair?

Olympic Officials Shocked — SHOCKED! — That Snowboarders are Behaving Like . . . Snowboarders

"Dudes, chill!" Reply Snowboarders, asking, "Got any snacks? You know, like, Doritos, maybe?"

VANCOUVER, BC (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) Officials of the 2010 Winter Olympics have expressed alarm and dismay over snowboarders' "Lack of proper reverence for the traditions of this august institution," according to USOC spokesman Don F. Mann, Jr., "They act like this is fun!"

Among Mann's list of snowboarders' offenses to Olympic gravitas: their grungy "street" fashion sense, Greg Bretz's McNuggets-eating contest with his coach, Ricky Bower (Bretz, 60; Bower, 35); Hannah Teter's underwear sales (which turns out to be a legitimate business, despite initial reports making it sound like an auction for the panties she had on at the time); Shaun White and Bud Keane's expletive-laden on-air chatter; and the "scandalous" party photos of a girl kissing Scotty Lago's bronze medal as it dangled from his belt that earned him a hastily arranged one-way ticket out of Vancouver

Despite most of these incidents taking place far from the event sites, athletes have been under tight scrutiny since the infamous Michael Phelps bong hit after his 2008 Olympic triumph.

Other troubling snowboarder behavior includes overuse of the term "Dude," being way too cheerful all the time and suspiciously frequent outbreaks of "the munchies." Mention of Louie Vito's pre-Olympics appearance on Dancing With the Stars got a look of sour disapproval from Mann, when asked if that also counted as inappropriate behavior.

Mann said his next task is to look into allegations of "catty, high-strung, diva-like and bitchy behavior" among ice dancers and figure skaters.

*Pictured above is Canadian Olympic Freestyle Snowboarder, Katherine Shizu Tsuyuki. As of Tuesday morning, she wasn't in trouble for anything.

Conan-Leno Flap to Get Golden Globe Award

"Best New Drama from NBC Since ER!"

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) In an unprecedented move, the Golden Globe Awards has invented an entirely new category in order to present a special prize honoring Jeff Zucker for the contretemps over NBC's clumsy rescheduling of Jay Leno's 10 P.M. show and The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.

"It's simply the best new drama NBC's produced since ER went off the air," said Berne Bocken, spokesman for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, adding, "It has been tremendously entertaining and we think it deserves to be recognized and hope for more like it."

Although many consider it long overdue, this new category, "Best Drama Caused by a Programming or Scheduling Fiasco," was hastily thrown together at the last minute so the awards ceremony broadcast could make the most of it while the Conan-Leno tumult is still a hot topic.

While showbiz wags have already dubbed the prize "The Tempestuous Teapot" and "Best Drama Queenery," it isn't yet clear whether this new category will be a perennial or just get handed out on special occasions like the Oscars' Lifetime Achievement Award.

Legal stuff so I don't get sued:
GOLDEN GLOBE(S)®, HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION® and GOLDEN GLOBE® statuette design mark are the registered trademarks and service marks and the GOLDEN GLOBE® statuette the copyrighted property
of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
Copyright © MM-MMIX Hollywood Foreign Press Association. All rights reserved.

On This Day in History...

1990: The Simpsons premieres.

NBC Offers Conan 11 O'Clock Slot

"I'm Not Following Kathy Lee Gifford," Snarls an Angry O'Brien

HOLLYWOOD (Ant Farmer's Almanac Infotainment Newswire) In what is either a desperate last-ditch attempt at appeasement or a deliberate insult on top of injury, NBC has offered Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien a new show at 11 O'Clock to accommodate their plan to move Jay Leno to 11:30. The catch is that it's 11 A.M., which would make him host of a fifth hour of the Today Show's already morning-long programming schedule.

O'Brien responded angrily, saying in a letter sent to NBC executives, The New York Times and Frank Gifford, "I have nothing against morning television, but I don't want to get up that early just to talk about the weather," adding, "And what exactly is a "Hoda," anyway?"

A network spokesman would neither confirm or deny that NBC's official response would be, "It was all Jay's idea!"

Although there has been no word from Martha Stewart – whose 11 A.M. NBC program would be bumped elsewhere to accommodate O'Brien – her next show is about making a shiv from things you might find on the desk of a network executive you're sitting across from.

On This Day in History...

1947: The TV show Puppet Playhouse, featuring Howdy Doody debuts; children's reaction is split evenly between "gleeful delight" and "abject terror."

Sesame Street Nixes New "Cougar" Muppet

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Plans for a new Sesame Street character named "Mercury the Cougar," have been hastily scrapped after the would-be Muppet got fiercely negative responses from focus groups. 

Intended to be part of a year-long "Over 40" theme celebrating the show's 40th year on the air, Mercury was a muppet-of-a-certain-age with a mountain lion-inspired face and an eye for the younger set. 

Test audiences, however, were revolted by the character's baby-doll negligee that revealed sheer black stockings, garter belt and merry widow underneath. Reactions to Mercury's breathily voiced attentions toward Elmo and flirtatious manner with Big Bird ranged from "Ewwwwww" and "That's just wrong in so many ways" to audience members rushing the stage to attack the puppeteers.

Wardrobe aside, it may have been Mercury's ever-present wine spritzer and her catchphrase, "Happy to see me or just glad it's not Jeff Dunham's arm up your ass?" that proved to be the last straw. 

Sources inside the venerable children's show production company say that all of the prototypes for Mercury have been disassembled and an intern has been assigned to monitor YouTube for any test footage that might have got out of the studio. 

In Other News: Facebook will now allow linking to imaginary friends.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

LASSIE

1) Spent nearly a decade pursuing a lawsuit against gossip columnist Hedda Hopper for calling her a "bitch."

2) Early in career, worked with a voice coach to lose her Brooklyn accent.

3) Would never confirm or deny the persistent rumor that she'd had a litter of pups by Rin-Tin-Tin.

4) Was dyslexic and saw her lines as "Foow! Foow!"

5) Lied about her age, insisting that the dog to human-years ratio was only 1:4 not 1:7.

6) Her tail wagged both ways, if you know what I mean.

7) When her showbiz career ended, she retired to "a nice farm out in the country."

Check Your Local Listings

CNBC Programming for Thursday, June 4, 2009, according to my cable service's onscreen listings (I Swear I Am Not Making This Up)

10:00 P.M. — Money.

11:00 P.M. — Mad Money.

12:00 A.M. — Fast Money.

1:00 A.M. — How I Made My Millions.

2:00 A.M. — Foreclosure.

West Winging It

Aaron Sorkin Named White House Creative Consultant

WASHINGTON (AFA Newswire) President-elect Barack Obama's transition team confirmed today that award-winning television writer/producer Aaron Sorkin has been hired as a "creative consultant".

"We already get compared to The West Wing," says an Obama spokesman, "So we thought, hey, that show got pretty good ratings and was on for two terms, so why not just run with it."

Immediately upon his arrival in Washington last Tuesday Mr. Sorkin began work plotting out the breed, name and story arc of the new First Dog. Although this task is said to now be complete (the smart money is on a dachshund), details are being kept under wraps until the dramatic reveal in a must-see, two-part press conference in prime time.

Mr. Sorkin next added a critical step to the Obama administration's already rigorous vetting process — the "pedeconferencing" audition.

Once a job applicant's closet is declared skeleton-free, they are paired up for a series of elimination rounds in which they run through a trademark West Wing Walk-and-Talk, spouting rapid-fire banter and extended soliloquies with a colleague on a serious topic, but peppered with witty repartee and interjections of obscure historical and pop culture minutiae while walking at a brisk pace through a seemingly endless maze of corridors and hallways.

Their performances are scrutinized and scored by Sorkin, Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, a focus group and, for some reason, Heidi Klum.

"By now anyone hoping to work in the White House should be able to do this handily," says Mr. Emanuel, "What we're looking for is an exceptionally high skill level."

Those who make the cut advance to the next round, the rest are sent home. Insiders report that Hillary Clinton "Totally aced it; it was like she'd been doing this for years," whereas Bill Richardson squeaked by only because his scene partner spilled coffee.

Also taken into account is the ability to maintain unrequited crushes on or remain charmingly clueless about unrequited crushes from co-workers. That, and the willingness to do the job day after day knowing that you will never receive an Emmy nomination for it.

Di Hard Support

LARRY KING: We're in the studio live with Arianna Huffington and Donald Trump.

Tonight's topic, Barack Obama or John McCain; Who would Princess Diana have supported?

Arianna, who do you think she would have backed?

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: Well, Larry, setting aside that she's dead and was British and couldn't vote in the U.S., I think she would have leaned toward...

LARRY KING: How about Anna Nicole Smith?

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: What about her?

LARRY KING: She was American, wasn't she? Who would she support?

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: Eh, she's kind of dead, too...

LARRY KING: Donald Trump, your thoughts?

DONALD TRUMP: You know, Larry, beautiful women are attracted to powerful men — especially rich and powerful men, let me tell you — whether we're running for office or not. They just can't get enough of me. As I write in my latest book...

LARRY KING: First caller, you're on the air.

FEMALE CALLER: Hi, Larry. It's Hilla... I mean Valerie, first-time caller from, eh, not Chappaqua, from, oh, what's the name of that town just north... Mount something, Kisco, yeah, Valerie from Mt. Kisco.

LARRY KING: Okay, Valerie from Not-Chappaqua, who would Princess Di have supported?

VALERIE: She would definitely have backed me — damn — I mean, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, as should most intelligent, ambitious women — especially those whose aspirations and accomplishments have been overshadowed and undermined by their husbands reckless personal behavior; to say nothing of the pain and humiliation I've suffered because of it.

LARRY KING: Next caller, you're on the air.

MALE CALLER: Eh, yeah, Larry this is Bi, uh, Biff, yeah, Biff, also from Not-Chappaqua, and I think Diana would support Obama, but only after being denied the chance to vigorously and enthusiastically campaign for my wi — I mean, Hillary Clinton; and, of course, depending on what the meaning of the word 'support' is.

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: McCain, definitely.

LARRY KING: Which?

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: Anna Nicole. I mean, her modus operandi was to latch onto a rich older man in poor health then outlive him; she would almost certainly view Sarah Palin as her surrogate and, therefore, naturally back McCain.

ALL: [Murmurs of agreement, 'Sounds about right,' etc.]

LARRY KING: Up next: The Chinese Olympians who failed to win medals at the Beijing games and were shot out of cannons at the closing ceremonies. A heckuva show, yes, but, did they have it coming? Your thoughts after the break.

Michael Phelps Sweeps Daytime Emmys

Susan Lucci Files Protest

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps shattered yet another world record today when it was announced that he had won an unprecedented nine Daytime Emmy Awards from the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.

Phelps' name was placed in Emmy contention by NBC, whose coverage of his historic bid for eight gold medals in a single Olympics generated worldwide excitement and pushed ratings for the network's coverage of the Beijing games through the roof.

Critics have called the move by NBC — which will broadcast the Daytime Emmy ceremony — "A shameless and cynical ratings gimmick meant to squeeze every precious drop of publicity from Phelps' popularity."

A network spokesman dismissed the comments, stating flatly, "He was on TV. It was daytime. Where's the problem?"

Susan Lucci, who was famously nominated 18 times for her work on the soap opera All My Children before finally winning her first and only Emmy in 1999, has submitted an official protest that reads in its entirety, "Oh, for crissakes!"

It is not clear if Mr. Phelps will attend the awards ceremony or that he is even aware of this latest victory. Phelps has, however, publicly stated that while on the trip home from Beijing, he intends to win a Nobel prize, Project Runway and the New Hampshire Primary.

In other news: John Edwards has been stripped of his "World's Greatest Hubby" title by the International Novelty Coffee Cup Federation.

New Primetime Lineup on Al-Jazeera

Arab-Language Network Tries to Fill Entertainment Programming Gap Left by Hollywood Writers' Strike

Monday

8:00 p.m. Akbar & Grace.

8:30 p.m. Who Wants to Marry a Mullah.

Tuesday

8:00 p.m. Queer Eye for the Taliban Guy.

9:00 p.m. Allah in the Family.

Wednesday

8:00 p.m. Seven Brides for Two Brothers.

9:00 p.m. Trading Infidels.

Thursday

8:00 p.m. Jackass (C-Span coverage of U.S. Congress/White House).

9:00 p.m. How I Martyred Your Mother.

Friday

8:00 p.m. This Old Mosque.

9:00 & 11:00 p.m. Seinfeld.

More Restaurant Reviews from Bill O'Reilly

California Pizza Kitchen, 164 West 81 Street $$ One Star 

It's a War on Pizza, I tell you! Grilled chicken is all well and good, but on a pizza! And pineapple! What the hell is pineapple doing on pizza? Much less on a pizza that already has grilled chicken on it? It's as un-American as it is unappetizing. If you needed any more proof that the Left Coast has nothing but contempt for all that is good and right with American food, here it is.

You'll be hearing more from me about this.

Open 7 days, 11 am – 11 pm. Reservations for parties of 8 or more. All credit cards.

Outback Steakhouse, Newport Center Mall, Jersey City, New Jersey $$ One Star

Now, I've never been "down under", but I've seen Crocodile Dundee a few times, something no one at this so-called Australian restaurant has bothered to do. I didn't hear the word "Crikey" once, and there's not a single item on the menu featuring kangaroo meat. Aside from "Shrimp from the Barbie" and an entree called "Kookaburra Wings®" (which taste just like chicken, by the way), this place is nothing more than the Olive Garden with an Aussie accent.

They get one star for serving Foster's in frosty mugs but that's it.

Open Tues. – Sun., 11 am – midnight; closed Mondays. Reservations for 6 and more. All credit cards.

Ishtar's Oasis, 346 Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn $ Three Stars

This place truly was a revelation. I went over to Brooklyn's "Arab Quarter" reluctantly and expecting the worst. As it turns out, the body armor and food taster I brought along were completely unnecessary, but, given the traffic, the Humvee proved a good idea.

At no point during the meal did anyone — customer or staff — drop to the floor for a prayer east and there wasn't a single cry of 'Death to America' or call for jihad against the west; although I did overhear some very nasty remarks about the Mets' pitching.

The Fattet Hummos was a delightfully aromatic hummus infused with toasted almonds, pine nuts, garlic and dried mint leaves. The lamb stew was strong and savory yet subtle; reminiscent of an American chili minus hot-peppery pyrotechnics. Who knew these people had a taste for anything besides senseless violence? If everybody over there eats like this, why are they all so pissed off?

I don't know which Middle Eastern country this cuisine is from but when we invade it — if we haven't already — I call dibs on frontline reporting.

Open 7 days, 10 am – 11 pm. No reservations. Cash only.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

AMERICAN IDOL

1: Losers get Simon Cowell's voice on their answering machine. Whether they like it or not.

2: Will never go off the air. Ever.

3: This is exactly how the Electoral College works.

4: Will soon be a scratch-off game.

5: Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

6: Original concept had judges voting silently, "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" style, and losers being roughly dragged offstage by burly security guards.

7: Tony Danza will replace Randy Jackson in season 12.