Ant Farmer's Almanac

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New iPhone App Tracks User Naughtiness, Niceness

THE NORTH POLE (AFA NewsWire) The day after the Wall Street Journal reported that Apple's iPhone and iPad as well as Google's HTC Android track and transmit the locations of their users for storage in the companies' databases comes the startling revelation of another application in these devices that gauges user behavior, determining activity as "naughty" or "nice."

The application, iCU, developed by Kringle Surveillance Systems and dubbed the "Santa-App," uploads its findings to a vast bank of computers in the Artic Circle, where it is analyzed to determine each phone users' "gift-recipient eligibility."

At a press conference Kringle's public relations director Ann Elph would not address reporters' questions regarding what standard of ethics and/or morality the application is calibrated by or whether crying and pouting still qualify as "naughty." Elph focused instead on the precision of iCU's metrics, "Our information is absolutely accurate," emphasized Elph, "We check it twice. If you doubt iCU's evaluative veracity, think back to what was under your tree last Christmas, and ask yourself if you really, truly deserved anything better."

In response to questions about the iCU being an actionable violation of phone users' constitutional right to privacy, Elph pointed out that, "Hey, you agreed to it. It's not a secret; it's right there in the contract's small print -- subsection eight, paragraph three of the Santa Clause," adding with a sigh, "Maybe you should try actually reading these things, for once... there's all kinds of crap in there you wouldn't like if you knew about it." 

 iPhone case by designer Thomas Hooper and available for sale. They're very cool and you should get one. Tell him the Ant Farmer's Almanac sent you. He won't know what you mean, but still.

I M SO HI RT NOW LOL!

"Ncell, a subsidiary of Swedish telecom company TeliaSonera, announced Friday that they have set up seven 3G base stations in the Everest region, allowing climbers and trekkers to access wireless Internet and make video calls..." 

Top Seven Texts from the Top of Mt. Everest:

1) I CN C UR HOUS FRM HEAR!

5) NOT MUCH. U?

3) THIS FONE'S GPS SUX

4) IM ON TOP OF WORLD, MA!

6) HOLD N, HAVE OTHER CALL

7) K, HOW DO WE GT DOWN?

Voices You Don't Ever Want to Hear Coming Out of Your GPS:

 

Gilbert Gottfried

 Fran Drescher

  Elmo

   Chewbacca

    Jar-Jar Binks

     Marcel Marceau

      Your mom

BP Hires Those Mentos & Coke Zero Guys

"At Least They Know a Little Something About Controlling Gushers," Experts Say

NEW ORLEANS (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Sources close to Fritz Grobe an Stephen Voltz, better known as Eepybird, say the duo has been tapped by British Petroleum in regards the ongoing Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Renowned for their wacky experiments demonstrating the propulsive power of Mentos-fueled Coke Zero®, the pair has gained internet fame for videos that show them creating a domino effect,  a "dancing fountain" and powering a vehicle using just the soda and candy. 

It isn't known what exactly BP intends for Grobe and Voltz to do. There is speculation that they are part of some outside-the-box scheme to plug the gushing hole. 

Far likelier is that BP means to capitalize on the huge number of hits its underwater web cams of the leak are getting by adding an additional video feed that is more entertaining as well as having a beginning, middle and — most importantly — an end.

Rumors that the Mythbusters team had been summoned to the White House for consultation could not be confirmed at press time.

Dress Different

Apple Introduces the iZod

CUPERTINO, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Apple Computer today announced that it is beta-testing a new line of clothing.

"Introducing the Apple iZod Collection," Apple spokesperson J.J. Jackson enthusiastically told assembled reporters from Wired magazine and Women's Wear Daily, "Active casual wear designed for today's young person on the go! Tailor made to accommodate iPods and other hand-held devices and inspired by the sportswear with the famous crocodile logo."

The line's signature item is the iZod shirt which comes in two styles. The "Shuffle Shirt" features a crocodile-shaped velcro patch in the same spot as the classic shirt's iconic logo. Specially made iPod Shuffles' velcro backing will make attachment and removal easy. An after-market velcro patch will be available for older Shuffles.

Offered in the same colors and sizes, the "Nano Shirt" offers a breast pocket, sized to snugly fit the larger iPod Nano. The pocket is emblazoned with a color-contrasting, non-velcro crocodile logo.

Both shirts feature the patented Triple Threat Collar® that serves three distinct purposes: its flexible, washer-safe "receptor wire," is sewn into its outer edge, rendering the wearer his or her own mobile hotspot; loops on the collar's underside allow an iPod's earphone wire to be kept secure and out of the way; and, of course, it's also a collar.

As flashbulbs popped away, supermodels, wearing little more than the shirts and expressions of icy indifference, strutted down the runway while putting on and taking off Shuffles and Nanos in exaggerated gestures. Alternating with each gamine were the male "models," pasty young men of various heights and body types, wearing iZods while awkwardly adjusting their glasses and fumbling with their inhalers.

The iZod's inaugural colors are white, black and, from the iMac's original palette, Bondi Blue (for men and women), and exclusively for the gals, vintage iMac colors Indigo, Ruby and Sage.

Asked if the clothing was compatible with non-Apple devices and whether the logo was a crocodile or an alligator, Jackson sighed dismissively and rolled her eyes. She also refused to confirm or deny a rumor that Apple is working with Victoria's Secret to produce an "underwireless" iPex bra.