Ant Farmer's Almanac

Kavanaugh Withdraws from Supreme Court Nomination to Open Brewpub

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Brett Kavanaugh surprised many today by withdrawing from his nomination to fill the Supreme Court seat being vacated by Justice Anthony Kennedy. He surprised everyone, however, with the announcement he was leaving the judiciary branch of government altogether to start his own brewpub.

"I love beer," said an ebullient Kavanaugh to a group of reporters, "Always have, always will. This whole hearing process, painful as it was, was also cathartic, a revelation. It brought me back to my true passion, the one constant in my life, the one thing I could always count on and that never let me down... aside from my wife, of course," he added, glancing over his shoulder toward where Ashley Estes Kavanaugh, stood before continuing, "Beer; brewskies, cold ones, suds. I feel alive again, reborn, even! I want to spend the rest of my life in the joyful craft of making beer, whether it be ale, altbier, amber, barley wine, Biere de Garde, bitter, bock, brown ale, Cask ale, Dopplebock, Dortmunder -- Bock or Export, Flanders red ale, Framboise, Helles Bock, Kriek lambic, Lager, Pilsner, Oud Bruin, Quadrupel, Rye beer, Scotch ale, Steam beer, Schwarzbier, Trappist, Vienna lager..."

Kavanaugh paused briefly, overcome with emotion, his eyes teary.

"Except for stout," he continued, regaining his composure somewhat "I hate that stuff."

Although no location or opening date has been determined, Kavanaugh did confirm that he would begin growing "one of those big bushy beards like brewmaster have" in the very near future.

Photo: www.freeimages.co.uk

Dictionarium

Pollyamorous [pol-ee-am-er-uhs] adjective : being romantically involved with more than one parrot at the same time.

 

 

Trump Proposes "Digging a Hole All the Way to China and Making China Pay for It”

(AFA) WASHINGTON, DC — Hard on the heels of the president's announcement of establishing a Space Force to wage battles beyond earth's atmosphere, Mr. Trump today proposed digging a hole through the center of the earth that goes all the way to China. 

"Think of it," said the president, speaking on the phone to the hosts of Fox & Friends,  “A direct route to China, an extremely important trading partner, just by digging a big, beautiful hole straight down and going the other side!” 

Mr. Trump emphasized the benefits to American trade, “We can just throw the parts needed into the hole, the Chinese retrieve them, assemble them into, whatever, then drop the finished products back into the hole and we’re done! No ships, no planes, no need for tariffs or trade wars. And they’ll pay for it. Glady. Eagerly. They stand to benefit so much, they won’t be able to pay us fast enough. Also,” he added, “No more Chinese take-out deliverd by some schmuck on a crappy bicycle. . . maybe it’ll show up still hot enough to eat for once.” 

In response to Steve Doocy’s questions about logistics, “Uh, how’s that supposed to work again?” the president explained that, “Gravity. Not everybody knows how gravity works but it’s really very simple. You drop something, it goes down, right? Drop something into this hole and gravity will pull it toward the center, when the object passes the center of the earth, the reverse effects of gravity pulling in the other direction will slow it down so it can be easily caught in, I dunno, nets, or something, we’ll figure that out."

Co-host Brian Kilmeade began to ask about the heat of the earth’s core being an issue but Mr. Trump had a ready answer, “The hole itself will act as a cooling vent, Brian, so problem solved! The British dug the Chunnel and managed to move all that water out of the way, we can manage some molten lava,” pausing momentarily, as if he'd had a thought, the president added, "We can call it the 'Chinal'. Yeah, I like that. Somebody write that down."

Mr. Doocy chimed in with a helpful suggestion for the massive amounts of dirt that would be dug up, “It could become landfill and expand the size of Florida. Who knows how many additional congressional districts could be created!”

“Listen,” continued the president, “I’ve been in the construction business for a long time and I know about digging myself into holes.” 

Photo: www.freeimages.co.uk

 

 

Flight Plan

Kelly Willing to Resign for Just About Any Reason At This Point

“Plausability is no longer an issue,” say those close to Trump’s besieged Chief of Staff

Speaking to a reporter in his White House office, John Kelly made no effort to conceal a whiteboard listing “reasons” for his resignation. These include:

“Pursue Other Interests.”

“Spend More Time With Any Family Not Named Trump”

“Crossed 'Keep Maniac from Blowing Up World’ off Bucket List, so, let somebody else do it for a while”

“Burning Man, baby!”

“Those rain gutters aren’t going to clean themselves”

 “Binge watch Gilmore Girls”

“Write tell-all memoir and wait for Mueller's subpoena”

 “Just ‘Go out for cigarettes’ and never come back”

“Bye, Felicia”

 

Hail Mary, Full of Laces...

Maybe we should put the so-called Nuclear Football, the codes for launching a nuclear strike, inside an actual football.

A regulation NFL Wilson. 

Trump would never question it.

This way, if he ever gets in a mood to drop the Big One on somebody, he'll have to unlace that football first. And (this is important), tell him the protocol is that only he ("You alone must do it, sir!") is permitted to open it and nobody is allowed to help him or the deal is off. And no puncturing.

Then, while the president is busy prying and tugging at the laces, someone can go get Kelly or Mattis to come in and taser him.

I'd sleep better at night knowing a plan like this was in place. Hell, I'd sleep better just knowing that Kelly and Mattis were packing tasers.

Nambia Invites Trump To Be Its "President-for-Life"

NAMBIA (AFA NewsWire) Emphasizing that they have no extradition treaty with the United States, the African nation of Nambia has invited Donald Trump to be that country's "President for Life".

"Just please bring all the gold from your many buildings," requests Quentin Faraji, Nambia's minister of finance, speaking on behalf of the country's ruling party in an interview with the Nambian Chronicle. 

"Since the calamitous covfefe crop failures, our only growth industry is importing American millionaires' offshore bank accounts," Faraji said, "We have attractively low interest rates, tax loopholes you could drive a truck full of shell companies through, and are very eager to fill our countryside with very classy golf courses, and shiny hotels, casinos and pipelines."

Mr. Farji also noted that Nambia is not a signatory to any international agreement on any issue, meaning, "Pretty much anything goes."

"We Nambians owe Mr. Trump a deep debt of gratitude. His mentioning us at the United Nations literally put us on the map," said Mr. Faraji, "And we wish to return this favor. What we propose could prove mutually beneficial in the very near future, to Mr. Trump, especially, if Keith Olbermann is to be believed."

"We fervently hope and believe that Mr. Trump's leadership style and international business connections can transform our struggling island/landlocked/coastal country into something like a developing nation, just as he has done with the United States."

 

Trump's DACA Plan Offers Dreamers 3/5 Citizenship

Nation Anticipating Inevitable News That Eclipse Is Somehow About Trump

Putin Downgrade's Trump's Status from "Useful Idiot" to Just "Idiot"

MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AFA NewsWire) Sources close to the Kremlin report that having carefully evaluated Donald Trump's performance after six months as U.S. president, Russian President Vladimir Putin has effectively demoted Mr. Trump, downgrading his status as a Russian tool from "Useful Idiot" to just plain "Idiot".

 

Your Daily Misdirection

Blaming the Boy Scouts for Trump's speech is like blaming a kid whose birthday party clown shows up drunk and starts breaking stuff.

Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, Auric Goldfinger Deny Meeting with Kushner, Trump Jr.

Through their various spokes-henchmen, Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, and Auric Goldfinger vigorously denied reports they had met with White House aide Jared Kushner and presidential advisor Donald Trump Jr.

Mr. Goldfinger summed up the group's sentiment regarding their invitation to talk, stating flatly, "I told them, 'No, Mr. Trump, I expect you to lie'."

Others rushing to deny having met with anyone from the Trump administration include Anna Kournikova, the Bolshoi Ballet and Yakov Smirnoff.

 

 

White House Leaks Reveal Randy Quaid Ghost-Tweeting for Trump

 

Much Covfefe About Nothing

Medusa @ SnakesforHair

Perseus should be ashamed of himself. My children, Pegasus and Chrysaor, are having a hard time with this. Fake myth! #losingmyhead

 

Frequently Asked Questions

Howya doin'?

What do you think?

WTF?

Did you see this?

What are you doing?

How long is that gonna take?

Seriously?

Are you even listening?

What are you, an idiot?

Huh?

Are you ready to order?

Why, oh, Lord, why?

Can I ask you a question?

Top 10 Commandments of Loyalty to Trump

1) Thou shalt not pay more attention to anything than thou doth to Trump.

2) Thou shalt not contradict any remark, tweet or statement made by Trump before he doth do so himself.

3) Thou shalt keep and remember Presidents Day and honor, especially, the current president, more even than any of the others, except maybe Jackson.

4) Thou shalt not believe in fake news.

5) Thou shalt not covet what is Trump's; not his wealth, business acumen, fantastic negotiating skills, his daughter nor any such thing that Trump possesses or doth himself covet. 

6) Thou shalt not ask about Russia, inauguration crowd size or popular vote numbers. 

7) Thou shalt not mock, caricature, joke about, deride, jest, ridicule, make sport of, parody, lampoon, disparage, mimic, satirize, scorn, snicker or point and laugh at Trump or anyone in his immedate family, cabinet or inner circle or likewise revel in and enjoy such japery.*

8) If a tree falls in the forest and Trump says it didn't, it didn't. Anybody says it did, fake news.

9) Thou shalt have no loyalty above that to Trump, not to party, constituents, state, the Constitution, country (any country), the truth, or oath of office if thou hast taken one. 

10) When asked to jump, thou shall ask, "How high?"

*Enforcement pending outcome of appeal to U.S. Supreme Court in Trump v. Colbert, CBS, et al.

 

Trump “Quite Confident” About First Job Performance Review With Russian Foreign Minister

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) President Donald J. Trump is reported to be, “Totally confident and not at all worried” about his first job performance review from Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, White House sources are reporting. 

Lavrov’s visit to the White House on Wednesday is the first in-person review by a Russian official of Trump’s performance as U.S. President. The meeting is expected to last about an hour and, along with the Foreign Minister’s assessment, to involve conversation on such topics as Trump’s having completed assigned tasks, met goals, overall effectiveness, growth on the job, strengths, weaknesses, and any areas that need improvement. The only question for Trump that has White House aides concerned is, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

What I Meant Was, "Only Nobodies Die Because They Don't Have Access to Health Care".

Congressman Raúl R. Labrador (R-Idaho) clarifies his remarks defending his vote on the AHCA.

Top 10 Jokes for Yakov Smirnoff's Inevitable Comeback Tour

In your country you follow Twitter; in Russia, Twitter follows you… ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia, friends of Putin become millionaires; in America, millionaire friends of Putin become Secretary of State... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In America, you put up wall to keep people out; in Russia, they put up wall because so many bricks still lying around from rubble of society ruined by communism... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia computer hackers break into American politician's email to make public embarrassing information; in America, public just waits for politician to embarrass himself... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In your country, FBI listens in on your phone conversation; in Russia KGB listens in on FBI... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhhh, ehhhhh.

In America, patriotic saying of politicians is, "Buy American!", in Russia, patriotic saying is, "Buy an American politician"... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In your country, if you speak out against leader you wind up criticized; in Russia, you speak out against leader you wind up in critical condition... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In America, politicians say whatever they have to to get elected; in Russia, Putin says nothing and voters have to elect him... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh. 

In American, you don't bomb countries where your president has business; in Russia, Putin bombs countries into doing business with him... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia, government is run by rich guys lining own pockets at taxpayer expense; in your country... pretty much same thing... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

I'm here all week, try the borscht!

 

100 Days Scorecard. Mine, Not His.

When I wrote “Talk to the Hair: A Look Back at The First 100 Days of the Trump Presidency” the idea of Donald Trump as president — he wasn’t even the nominee yet — seemed as outlandish as it was unlikely. Well, we know how that turned out. Now that those 100 days have passed, I wondered how accurately my predictions had been. Below is a list of what I got right or came close enough to deserve some credit. My final score is at the bottom.

Cause Widespread Agita
So far, nobody’s dubbed the psychic trauma of living in Trump world “The DTs” as I did on Day 5 but, there has been plenty of coverage about the rise in anxiety med prescriptions and visits to mental health professionals. Maybe if I'd gone with the catchier, “Trump Induced Tsuris” (TIT) it might've caught on.

Replace Air Force One with Trump Air
I had this taking place on Day 9 but, even before his inauguration, Trump complained about the cost of replacing Air Force One, threatening to cancel the order with Boeing. While he never said so personally, he must have had this idea on deck as a Plan B.

Translator Issues
Granted, I envisioned translators kvelling on Days 13 and 91 over interpreting U.S. Ambassador to Russia (later Cuba) Sarah Palin's attempts at spoken English but I’ll still take this as a win. 

Trouble Funding The Border Wall
I was overly optimistic about Trump’s Border Wall getting built, having work start on Day 16. In my can do-dystopian version, funding only ran into trouble on Day 28 when construction was already well underway. I still think my solution of corporate sponsorship could be a winner.

Private Security Detail
His majesty's secret service wasn't enough. Sad. Trump enhanced his security detail with private sector goons. I had him replacing the secret service after finding out they'd code-named him "Hairball One" on Day 29. His code name is "Mogul", I'm told. I bet that's not what the secret service calls him when he's not around.

Cost of Inauguration
Even worse than my imagined overspending on Trump’s inauguration (Day 38) is the reported over-donating for it that has resulted in a multimillion-dollar slush fund. 

Insulting Angela Merkel
In my version of Day 77, Trump got himself declared "persona non-grata" in Germany over insulting remarks about Chancellor Angela Merkel. I never imagined he'd be such a jerk to her in person. How wrong I was. He hasn’t been barred from visiting Germany (yet) but I’m still giving myself the point for this one.

Pissing Off World Leaders
Trump seems to have learned everything he knows about Mexico from “Breaking Bad”. That would go a long way in explaining his threats to Mexican President Nieto of invading his country to get the "bad hombres" terrorizing the border. Meanwhile, and, credit where credit is due, short of mistaking them for New Zealanders, it takes a lot to piss off an Australian with fewer than eight cans of Foster’s in him, but Trump managed it in half the time allotted for his first phone call with Aussie PM Malcolm Trumbull. (Disclaimer: I don’t know how many cans of Foster’s Lager Trumbull had consumed beforehand.)   

Governing by Executive Order
I had the president's penchant for governing via Executive Order an item on Day 80. I didn’t specify the number of them, but he signed 29 in 99 Days. Hardly a record but, more than anybody since Truman racked up 57. 

Hiring Unqualified Cabinet Members
Not all of Trump’s cabinet picks are completely unqualified and too inexperienced to lead the agencies they’ve been put in charge of; some are openly hostile to their agencies’ missions and want to do away with them altogether. Or, in the case of the Department of Energy's Rick Perry, both. Granted, Trump never nominated Howie Mandel for Secretary of Agriculture, as I suggested, but we don't know who was on that short list, now do we.

Making a Buck Off Being President
We all knew he’d manage to do this. The only real question was how. The answer, it turns out, is, in every way possible. I offered numerous instances and various methods of self-dealing throughout the first 100.

General Tone
“Speak Loudly and Stick it to Everybody” was my proposed campaign slogan for candidate Trump, though it could be the mantra of his administration’s core philosophy. My version of his inaugural speech had him promising to return the country to the glory days of the ’80s, the 1880s when Robber Barons ruled the land unchecked by pesky government regulations and laws and such. 

So, the final tally: 13 for 87. Maybe not a great stat but, would you have really wanted me to be any righter?