Ant Farmer's Almanac

Marines Deployed to Los Angeles Stuck in Traffic on the 405

Best guesses at an ETA downtown are, "Sometime next week".

 

Angelenos Encouraged to "Stay Home and Watch the Tony Awards"

With National Guard troops descending on the city of Los Angeles, officials are asking residents to practice passive-resistance in an effort to defuse the situation, celebrate Broadway theater and, just maybe, spot the next hot movie adaptation.

 

Trump to Gift His Tesla to Qatar

"There was talk about auctioning it off on eBay Motors," said a White House spokesman, "Or saving it for the Trump Presidential Library but, ultimately, we thought getting it to the other side of the world was the best option."

 

Appointing Himself "Curator in Chief", Trump Replaces All National Portrait Gallery Exhibits with Paintings on Velvet of His NFTs

The new exhibit will be on display in galleries labeled, "Hero", "Superhero" and "Savior", and the Museum Store will triple in size, taking over space formerly used for educational and research purposes.

At the press conference announcing the institution's changes held in the gallery's atrium, the new spokesman, who refused to give his name, wore a mask, tactical gear and body armor. He responded belligerently to one reporter's question, "Does the president even know where this place is?" saying, "That's a rude question. How dare you ask that. You're not allowed to ask questions like that!" continuing, "Do you know where it is? Huh? Have you ever been there?" before angrily stalking off.

 

Joni Ernst Secures the Rights to Blue Oyster Cult's "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" as 2026 Re-Election Campaign Theme

Aides to the Iowa senator could not confirm whether the original 1976 cut by the group Blue Oyster Cult would be used or a cover version would be recorded specifically for the campaign.

 

Ahead of Her Voting For It, Susan Collins' Staff Prepares 'Statement of Concern' Over Trump's Big, Beautiful Bill

"Her 'concerns' are pretty much boiler plate at this point," says a mid-level staffer for the Republican Senator from Maine, "At least in this second Trump term she's dropped the 'I think this time he's learned his lesson' line."

 

DNC, GOP in Court Fight Over Use of "Let Them Eat Tariffs" as 2026 Campaign Slogan

Lawyers for each side argue that, "I don't think it means what you think it means!"

 

Clarence Thomas Offers Trump His Luxury RV Until Qatari Jet is Ready

"At least while the Court is in session or unless Ginni's using it," clarifies the Justice.

 

Qatari $400 Million Air Force One Will Come With Fully Equipped On-Board McDonald's Franchise

Eric Trump tapped to be in charge of deep fryer and drive-up window.

 

White House Gift Shop Now Selling MAGA Golf Pencils. Limit of Five per Customer

A new line of so-called "Collectible Commemorative Authentic Presidential MAGA Golf Pencils" is now on Sale at the White House Gift Shop as well as online and at LIV golf events. The 3/5-inch #2 HB pencils, pre-sharpened, are red with 45 MAGA 47 in large white print that wraps nearly around their circumference. Advertised as "Just like the ones your favorite president and multiple golf tournament champion, Donald J. Trump uses!" $50 for a box of five, one box per customer. A "Premium" collector's edition, featuring gold-ish colored pencils (the barrel, the lead is still #2 HB), one from each box of five "guaranteed" to have been used in drafting an Executive Order, is on offer for $500.

 

'What's Sauce for the Goose is Sauce for the Gander' No Longer a Thing

"Mixed basting is woke blasphemy," claim gender warriors, crying foul over what they see as a radical, lunatic, feminist liberal agenda and who state emphatically that, "There are two–and only two–very separate genders and we must end unisex seasoning!" insisting that there's a commandment about it in Scripture someplace, "Leviticus, probably."

 

"Maybe Carriers Get Only Two or Three Planes Instead of 30," Suggests Trump, "Or Maybe Seven"

The president responds to loss of a second $65 Million jet fighter from the aircraft carrier Harry S Truman.

 

Dictionarium

Qitsche

noun / [keetsh]

Campy postmodern take on traditional French pielike brunch dish comprised of, in this case, a variety of decidedly non-traditional ingredients such as kale, tofu, Spam and pineapple in a gluten-free crust.

Still off-limits to real men.

 

Pope Leo XIV Vows to Bring Church into 18th Century

The Chicago-born pontiff also promises to give the OK to deep-dish pizza at the Vatican but holds the line on banning pineapple as a topping.

 

Trump Denounces Papal Election as "Rigged" and Refuses to Say He'd Accept Results Unless Orange Smoke Rises from Sistine Chimney

In a Rambling Interview, President Trump Insisted That—If It's Not Him—the Next Pope Should at Least be American; "And from the Real America, Not Fake, Like South or Latin."

The president also asserted that, pope or not, he should be granted the power to confer sainthood. "Presidential pardons are terrific, but sainthood? That'd be a beautiful thing, wouldn't it? That could come in very handy", adding, "It would really be in their best interest to let me do that, it'd be such a shame to see the Vatican suddenly get hit with high tariffs on all rosaries, gold crosses and communion wafers coming out of there."

 

CBS Will Reboot Its "FBI" Franchises as "FBI: Deep State" in Which Agents Track Down and Arrest Only "Radical Leftist Lunatic Communist Fascists" if Trump Wins "60 Minutes" Lawsuit

In addition to refocusing their mission, only buff, straight white men would be cast as FBI agents in the field with women seen only in supporting roles as wives and secretaries, making sandwiches for the guys or maybe as the occasional femme fatale. 

 

Shirtless Pete Hegseth Detained by ICE at Gym Over Tattoo Misinterpretation

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was briefly detained and questioned by Immigration and Customs Enforcement after reports that an aggressively loud shirtless man with several menacing gang-style tattoos was being disruptive and disturbing the other customers at a gym in Arlington, Virginia. 

ICE agents who arrived on the scene took Hegseth aside and were trying to calm him down when they recognized who he was and confirmed that his tattoos indicated affiliation with American White Supremacy rather than MS-13 membership. 

After profusely apologizing to Secretary Hegseth and promising to wash his car for a month, the agents then let the staff and clients at the gym off with a warning 'this time', but took down their names and put them on a "Snowflake Watchlist".

 

Trump Imposes Steep Tariff on Canadian Cold Fronts

"For far too long," said President Trump this morning, "Canada has unfairly sent its cold weather down to the U.S., making it hard to Make America Great Again. How do you do that when it's too cold to go outside? Winters like no one has ever seen before in terms of wind and also temperature and snow... no golf, you can't even go golfing, if you can imagine that... I think they're getting it from Greenland, the cold, it's cold there you know, JD discovered that; no one ever knew that before. Since I began speaking, representatives from Canada have arrived, big Canadians, Mounties, tears in their eyes, 'Sir,' they say, offering me poutine, 'Sir,' can we please have a meeting..."

 

During LA Dodgers' Visit to White House, Shohei Ohtani Gets Pulled into Chinese Tariff Negotiations and Mookie Betts is Added to National Security Signal Group Chat

Despite limited English-language skills and no knowledge of Chinese at all, Ohtani successfully explained the infield fly rule to both sides. Betts, meanwhile, fended off suspicious inquiries about his identity from the chat group with a series of random emojis. 

Several other players were rounded up on their way to the Oval Office photo op by "overzealous" ICE agents, and transported "Back to where  they came from," namely, Brooklyn.

Upon hearing of the Dodgers' visit, Elon Musk stated, "What are they doing there? They should be hacking into the Department of Homeland Security's mainframe this afternoon.

 

"Just Fire Anyone You Wouldn't Want Your Sister Bringing Home for Thanksgiving"

J.D. Vance's team of Anti-Woke Warriors receives clarification on Trump's Executive Order to remove "Improper Ideology" from the National Zoo and the Smithsonian Institution.