Ant Farmer's Almanac

Cisgender White Male Goes Nearly Entire Day Without Offending or Oppressing Minorities or the Marginalized

“I thought I was doing pretty well, there” said the unnamed individual whose preferred pronouns are presumably he/him/buddy/bub/sport/fella/boyo/guy/hey you/jack, “I guess I blew it when I ordered Mexican takeout and ended the call saying, ‘Gracias, Hon.’ I'm told I was employing the patriarchy to commit micro-aggression and cultural insensitivity,” adding,“I mean, jeez, I just wanted some guacamole, it’s not like I asked them to put pineapple on a pizza.”  

 

Susan Collins' Office Flooded with Calls Offering Extended Car Warranties

"Goodness!" exclaimed the Maine senator, "I had no idea I had so many cars!"

 

Other Things Marjorie Taylor Greene Can’t Remember

Who wrote the book of love

Whether or not it’s butter

Who’s on first

When to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em, when to walk away, when to run

Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong

Your or You’re

How many days hath September

Why this night is different than all other nights

Which Amendment to plead

Her oath of office

David Attenborough to Narrate BBC Coverage of US Midterm Elections

"It won't be for the faint of heart," warns famed naturalist.

 

Marjorie Taylor Greene Unable to Recall Being Elected to Congress

While being questioned under oath, the Georgia representative also couldn't remember what she had for dinner last night, where her car keys were or whether she has a "twin sister" who might run in her place her should she be disqualified.

 

"After So Many Years on Reality TV, I Wanted to Try Something Tightly Scripted"

Caitlyn Jenner explains her signing on as a contributor to Fox News.

 

Trump Claims Dog Ate All the Burner Phones He Doesn’t Know About Along With the Missing 8-Hours of January 6 White House Call Records

“People are saying it was Biden’s dog, the dead one, Champ, that ate the phones,” insists the former president, “All I know is that eating that many phones and that much paper couldn’t be good for a dog, so his death is really the owner's fault, and how and why he was in the White House while I was still president — not that I’m not now — needs to be thoroughly investigated. I’ve asked for Putin’s help but, I think if we get Hunter Biden in front of a grand jury, we’ll get some answers.” 

"Nobody Remembers Inviting Him."

GOP responds to Madison Cawthorn's statement about being asked to join in congressional sex parties.

Upcoming Personal Appearance!

Tucker Carlson Invited by Putin to Embed with Russian Troops in Ukraine

Text message from Russian President to Fox News Host adds, “Bring friends. Many, many friends. Also tanks.”

 

Next Sequel Ends with Jurassic Park Destroyed by Meteor

“It was either that,” say the series’ producers, “Or spin off into Planet of the Apes territory and have them gain the power of speech and face off against humanity, or aliens, or, I dunno, Godzilla and his whole roster of arch enemies. Maybe Batman. Clearly, we got nothing.”

 

 

My New Book is Out!

My latest book, Karen in Wonderland, is now available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble (.com). Illustrated by my lovely and talented wife, Deborah Berk. 

Trump Worries Putin Still Hasn’t Noticed That “Truth” Social Media Platform Named in Homage to “Pravda”

“Not a word,” whined the former U.S. President about Putin’s lack of acknowledgement, “Not so much as a wink. Does he think it was a coincidence? I mean, whaddaya have to do to please this guy? I’ve tried everything!” 

 

Miniseries "This is Utz" Scheduled for Fall Debut

Docudrama of potato chip and snack food dynasty said to be "Succession" meets "Modern Family".

Joe McCarthy Deciding Whether to Spin in His Grave

"On the one hand," says the late Senator (R-WI) remembered as the Red Baiter and instigator of 1950s anti-communist blacklisting, "I'm proud and delighted the GOP is still using my strategy tactics for kneecapping opponents – innuendo, lies and slander but," he adds with what's left of his furrowed brow, "They're doing it to help a Russian dictator bent on world domination, so, yeah, I dunno."

A spokesman for McCarthy says a final decision will be made, 'Fairly soon'.

 

Great Moments in Legitimate Political Discourse History

480 BC
Persian Army's Legitimate Political Discourse with 300 Spartans at Thermopylae.

1066
Normans Legitimately Politically Discourse Anglo-Saxons at Battle of Hastings.

1588
Heavy Storms Disrupt Spanish Armada’s Legitimate Political Discourse with England

1789
Legitimate Political Discourse Begun at Bastille Dominates France for Next Decade.

1815
Wellington Out-Legitimately-Political-Discourses Napolean at Waterloo.

1836
Davy Crockett Heroically Defends Alamo From Mexico’s Legitimate Political Discourse.

1876
Custer’s Seventh Cavalry Loses Legitimate Political Discourse with Sioux at Little Big Horn.

1927
Al Capone Legitimately Politically Discourses Seven of Bugs Moran’s Gang on St. Valentine’s Day.

1937
Pablo Picasso Memorializes Recent Legitimate Political Discourse in His Painting, “Guernica”.

1941
Japan Springs Surprise Legitimate Political Discourse at US Naval Base in Pearl Harbor.

1963
Lee Harvey Oswald Legitimately Politically Discourses JFK in Dallas. 

 

 

 

Putin Tells NATO Russian Troops Massed on Ukraine Border are Just There to Prepare for Legitimate Political Discourse

"Well, alrighty, then," says GOP, "Nothing to see here."

 

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six Weeks More Winter and New Name of Washington NFL Team

Scooping the team's official announcement by only a couple of hours, the celebrated Pennsylvania groundhog, known for "predicting" the duration of winter, followed up seeing his own shadow with the surprise announcement that the Washington DC  football team formerly known as the Redskins will now be known as the "Commanders". 

 

Ken Jennings, Mayim Bialik Slated to Guest Host During Rachel Maddow's Sabbatical

MSNBC denies rumor that Michael Richards was invited to fill in but acknowledges that, while Keith Olbermann would be welcome, "Nobody's seen him lately or even knows where he is at the moment."

 

 

Yelp Reviews of Rick’s Café Americain After Rick Left

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Went in looking for Letters of Transit but just got pestered by some creep trying to sell me cheap jewelry.

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Nothing here for a Yank hankering for a taste of home. Why is it even “Rick’s Café Americain” when everybody there is a foreigner, from the Russian bartender to the French croupier to the Hungarian(?) waiter? 

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Good piano player although his repertoire tends toward the melancholy, occasionally interrupted by spontaneous crowd singalongs of “La Marseillaise”.    

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Blue Parrot across the street serves better tapas and stronger drinks.

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Went to Casablanca for the waters; was disappointed until I found this delightful spot. First-rate goulash and authentic vodka.

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Attractive young women do better at the roulette wheel than any man of any age except for the local police. Not sure this place is entirely on the up-and-up.

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Everybody here wants to be someplace else.