Ant Farmer's Almanac

MoCCA Fest '25! Be There or Be Square!

Come by and see us at MoCCA Fest at the Metropolitan Pavilion March 15 and 16. Buy some books! Stand around and gawk! There will be lots to gawk at.

 

"Come on Down to White House Tesla, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Where Interest Meets Conflict for a Beautiful Deal Like You've Never Seen Before on Your Favorite President's Favorite Car That Isn't a Heavily Armored Cadillac Escalade!"

Tesla Introduces Limited Edition "Model 47"

The new Tesla model "Model 47" will hit showrooms on April 2. The vehicle, nicknamed the "Covfefe," an otherwise standard Model 3, will be clad in "MAGA Hat Red," feature special badging and is guaranteed to have been sat in by the 47th president or at least someone named Trump.

Buyers will bid from a starting price of $40k and there is no reserve. Auctioning will take place at the White House Portico and be televised live on Fox News, NewsMax, One America News, C-SPAN and Motor Trend TV.

Rumors that a series of television commercials for the car will be taped by Elon Musk and Donald Trump, to be shown during late-night programming, could not be confirmed at press time but, White House insiders say they have overheard the president rehearsing such phrases as, "Own a Tesla and own the libs!" and "It's the American dream car come true! Get yours TODAY!"

 

Dictionarium

Juicebox Musical

A stage production or musical film with a score made up of well-known, pre-existing childrens' songs.

 

Leaked Report: Lack of Gratitude for His Protecting Airports During American Revolution Cause of Trump's Hostility Toward FAA

"Not a single thank you. Not one. They're lucky I don't just disband the whole thing," Trump has said to close advisors as well as anyone standing near him at Mar-a-Lago. The report also claims the president's animosity toward Canada stems from their siding with the British in 1776 and 1812.

 

Obama Offers Zelenskyy His Old Tan Suit Should He Ever Need to Return to the Trump White House

A spokesman for the former U.S. president could neither confirm or deny that a similar offer had been made to Elon Musk.

 

Trump Threatens to Buy Philadelphia Eagles as Revenge if Super Bowl LIX Winning Team Rebuffs Invite to White House

"The prospect of Donald Trump taking charge of the Eagles, however remote," said one long-time sports reporter, "Should chill the blood of anyone who remembers what he did to the New Jersey Generals and the USFL," adding, "The only thing worse would be if he sent Elon Musk to run things." 

 

Dictionarium

Dick of the Litter

The most dickish of a bunch of dicks; i.e., "That incel who bragged about 'being racist before it was cool' is DOGE's dick of the litter.

 

Musk Demands Everyone on Social Security Provide List of 5 Things They Did Last Week or Face Losing Benefits

Most common responses:

'Threw phone across room after third phone scam of the day'

'Babysat grandkids while their parents worked at second and third jobs'

'Stood in kitchen for a long time trying to remember why I'd gone in there'

'Rehearsed with old-guy garage band and exchanged opinions on whether Viagra or Cialis works better'

'Told some damn kids to get off my lawn'

 

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Look! My Book! Still for Sale! More Relevant Than Ever!

Available at Amazon.

Governor Hochul Seeks "Path Forward" for NYC Mayor Adams that Begins with a Single Shove Out the Back Door of City Hall

"We haven't decided whether it will be the service door near the trash bins," said a spokesman for the governor, "Or whichever rear exit has the most room for photographers and longest walk to the parking lot," adding, "After that, we really don't care where he goes."

 

Musk Removes the Letters "DE" to Create "Feral" Government

"In this instance," says the billionaire-without-portfolio, "Two out of three is the right amount." The DOGE Team is also working on extracting the letter "n" from the word "government" because, "That's how everybody already pronounces it, anyway."

 

Latest Executive Order Lets Elon Musk Decide Outcome of Super Bowl LIX with Trump Signaling Winner via Thumbs-Up/Thumbs-Down Gesture from Stadium Skybox

"Whether the Eagles win or lose," said an experienced oddsmaker on game day, "There's gonna be a lotta broken store windows and burnt police cars in Philly tomorrow morning."

 

"Molly of Denali" Retitled "Molly of McKinley"

In related news: CBS pauses production of its three FBI series until further notice. Rumors are swirling of a Trumpish retooling entitled, "FBI: The Revengening", or that it would continue as "FBI: The Multiverse", more sci-fi-ish and with differing timelines and parallel universe storylines, including an outlandish one that continues as if the rule of law was still the law of the land.

 

Sudden Appearance of Jefferson Davis Portrait in Oval Office Surprises No One

"It was startled when I first saw it," said a White House staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, "But then I thought, yeah, sure. It was kind of inevitable."

 

Trump Claims Credit in Advance for Lowering Nation's Cholesterol with Higher Egg Prices

"You're welcome," said the president at a press conference this afternoon, during which he touted the anticipated health benefits of a coming absence of eggs in the American diet due to high prices and supply shortages because of bird flu, "When your doctor tells you in a few months that your cholesterol has never been better, you can thank me, and you should, for saving your life and the life of your arteries. Soon, cardiologists, big cardiologists, strong cardiologists, tears in their eyes, will come up to me saying 'Sir, sir, you ruined my business but saved many lives, you protected my patients whether they wanted it or not.' I look forward to that, and you owe me. Bigly." 

 

Susan Wiles Applies for Permit to Conceal-Carry Taser in White House

"Often, the best way for me to help the president," says Trump's Chief of Staff, "Is to put him into a time-out with extreme prejudice," adding, "Sometimes 50,000 volts speak louder than words."

 

Plan for Gaza-Lago Seaside Casino Resort & Kibbutz Unveiled

"Along with hosting guests and dues paying members, this unique resort will offer a time-share option at its Kibbutz Cabanas wing," explains Gaza-Lago spokesman Gordon Knott, "Kibutzers will receive a deep discount on their lodgings in exchange for spending 50% of their stay doing work around the resort, such as cooking, housecleaning, valet parking, perimeter security... The resort's amenities overall will be modeled after President Trump's luxurious Florida residence Mar-a-Lago," he enthused, adding, "Except for the omelet bar, at least until the price of eggs comes down."

 

 

Musk Claims He Needs U.S. Citizens' Financial Information to Help Him Choose Who Gets to Go to Mars

"I want to colonize the Red Planet only with America's best and brightest," says the world's richest man, "And so far, I haven't met any."

 

Dictionarium

MAGAsplaining

verb

To vigorously and belligerently defend a concept, idea, issue or problem of dubious validity in such a way that exposes both the argument's logical flaws and the speaker's ignorance about and/or contempt for the topic.

    1) "If we're descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? Huh?"

    2) "How can you use solar power when it's nighttime? Huh?"

 

Trump Urged to Wait Until After 2026 Midterms to Change Name of Country to Confederate States of America

"We just think it's best to just wait and see how this Gulf of America business turns out," say White House aides.