L.K. Peterson's Site of Writings, Random Thoughts & Doodles
Interesting! Provocative!
Well Seasoned!
The Kardashians
Skinny jeans for men
Pumpkin Spice Latte
Brexit
That UNTUCKit Guy
Nesting Dolls
Auto-Tune
Instability in the Middle East and the Balkans
The Masked Singer
Co-worker's endless chattering about room temperature
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WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Brett Kavanaugh surprised many today by withdrawing from his nomination to fill the Supreme Court seat being vacated by Justice Anthony Kennedy. He surprised everyone, however, with the announcement he was leaving the judiciary branch of government altogether to start his own brewpub.
"I love beer," said an ebullient Kavanaugh to a group of reporters, "Always have, always will. This whole hearing process, painful as it was, was also cathartic, a revelation. It brought me back to my true passion, the one constant in my life, the one thing I could always count on and that never let me down... aside from my wife, of course," he added, glancing over his shoulder toward where Ashley Estes Kavanaugh, stood before continuing, "Beer; brewskies, cold ones, suds. I feel alive again, reborn, even! I want to spend the rest of my life in the joyful craft of making beer, whether it be ale, altbier, amber, barley wine, Biere de Garde, bitter, bock, brown ale, Cask ale, Dopplebock, Dortmunder -- Bock or Export, Flanders red ale, Framboise, Helles Bock, Kriek lambic, Lager, Pilsner, Oud Bruin, Quadrupel, Rye beer, Scotch ale, Steam beer, Schwarzbier, Trappist, Vienna lager..."
Kavanaugh paused briefly, overcome with emotion, his eyes teary.
"Except for stout," he continued, regaining his composure somewhat "I hate that stuff."
Although no location or opening date has been determined, Kavanaugh did confirm that he would begin growing "one of those big bushy beards like brewmaster have" in the very near future.
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Pollyamorous [pol-ee-am-er-uhs] adjective : being romantically involved with more than one parrot at the same time.
(AFA) WASHINGTON, DC — Hard on the heels of the president's announcement of establishing a Space Force to wage battles beyond earth's atmosphere, Mr. Trump today proposed digging a hole through the center of the earth that goes all the way to China.
"Think of it," said the president, speaking on the phone to the hosts of Fox & Friends, “A direct route to China, an extremely important trading partner, just by digging a big, beautiful hole straight down and going the other side!”
Mr. Trump emphasized the benefits to American trade, “We can just throw the parts needed into the hole, the Chinese retrieve them, assemble them into, whatever, then drop the finished products back into the hole and we’re done! No ships, no planes, no need for tariffs or trade wars. And they’ll pay for it. Glady. Eagerly. They stand to benefit so much, they won’t be able to pay us fast enough. Also,” he added, “No more Chinese take-out deliverd by some schmuck on a crappy bicycle. . . maybe it’ll show up still hot enough to eat for once.”
In response to Steve Doocy’s questions about logistics, “Uh, how’s that supposed to work again?” the president explained that, “Gravity. Not everybody knows how gravity works but it’s really very simple. You drop something, it goes down, right? Drop something into this hole and gravity will pull it toward the center, when the object passes the center of the earth, the reverse effects of gravity pulling in the other direction will slow it down so it can be easily caught in, I dunno, nets, or something, we’ll figure that out."
Co-host Brian Kilmeade began to ask about the heat of the earth’s core being an issue but Mr. Trump had a ready answer, “The hole itself will act as a cooling vent, Brian, so problem solved! The British dug the Chunnel and managed to move all that water out of the way, we can manage some molten lava,” pausing momentarily, as if he'd had a thought, the president added, "We can call it the 'Chinal'. Yeah, I like that. Somebody write that down."
Mr. Doocy chimed in with a helpful suggestion for the massive amounts of dirt that would be dug up, “It could become landfill and expand the size of Florida. Who knows how many additional congressional districts could be created!”
“Listen,” continued the president, “I’ve been in the construction business for a long time and I know about digging myself into holes.”
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“Pursue Other Interests.”
“Spend More Time With Any Family Not Named Trump”
“Crossed 'Keep Maniac from Blowing Up World’ off Bucket List, so, let somebody else do it for a while”
“Burning Man, baby!”
“Those rain gutters aren’t going to clean themselves”
“Binge watch Gilmore Girls”
“Write tell-all memoir and wait for Mueller's subpoena”
“Just ‘Go out for cigarettes’ and never come back”
“Bye, Felicia”
Maybe we should put the so-called Nuclear Football, the codes for launching a nuclear strike, inside an actual football.
A regulation NFL Wilson.
Trump would never question it.
This way, if he ever gets in a mood to drop the Big One on somebody, he'll have to unlace that football first. And (this is important), tell him the protocol is that only he ("You alone must do it, sir!") is permitted to open it and nobody is allowed to help him or the deal is off. And no puncturing.
Then, while the president is busy prying and tugging at the laces, someone can go get Kelly or Mattis to come in and taser him.
I'd sleep better at night knowing a plan like this was in place. Hell, I'd sleep better just knowing that Kelly and Mattis were packing tasers.
NAMBIA (AFA NewsWire) Emphasizing that they have no extradition treaty with the United States, the African nation of Nambia has invited Donald Trump to be that country's "President for Life".
"Just please bring all the gold from your many buildings," requests Quentin Faraji, Nambia's minister of finance, speaking on behalf of the country's ruling party in an interview with the Nambian Chronicle.
"Since the calamitous covfefe crop failures, our only growth industry is importing American millionaires' offshore bank accounts," Faraji said, "We have attractively low interest rates, tax loopholes you could drive a truck full of shell companies through, and are very eager to fill our countryside with very classy golf courses, and shiny hotels, casinos and pipelines."
Mr. Farji also noted that Nambia is not a signatory to any international agreement on any issue, meaning, "Pretty much anything goes."
"We Nambians owe Mr. Trump a deep debt of gratitude. His mentioning us at the United Nations literally put us on the map," said Mr. Faraji, "And we wish to return this favor. What we propose could prove mutually beneficial in the very near future, to Mr. Trump, especially, if Keith Olbermann is to be believed."
"We fervently hope and believe that Mr. Trump's leadership style and international business connections can transform our struggling island/landlocked/coastal country into something like a developing nation, just as he has done with the United States."
MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AFA NewsWire) Sources close to the Kremlin report that having carefully evaluated Donald Trump's performance after six months as U.S. president, Russian President Vladimir Putin has effectively demoted Mr. Trump, downgrading his status as a Russian tool from "Useful Idiot" to just plain "Idiot".
Through their various spokes-henchmen, Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, and Auric Goldfinger vigorously denied reports they had met with White House aide Jared Kushner and presidential advisor Donald Trump Jr.
Mr. Goldfinger summed up the group's sentiment regarding their invitation to talk, stating flatly, "I told them, 'No, Mr. Trump, I expect you to lie'."
Others rushing to deny having met with anyone from the Trump administration include Anna Kournikova, the Bolshoi Ballet and Yakov Smirnoff.
Medusa @ SnakesforHair
Perseus should be ashamed of himself. My children, Pegasus and Chrysaor, are having a hard time with this. Fake myth! #losingmyhead
1) Thou shalt not pay more attention to anything than thou doth to Trump.
2) Thou shalt not contradict any remark, tweet or statement made by Trump before he doth do so himself.
3) Thou shalt keep and remember Presidents Day and honor, especially, the current president, more even than any of the others, except maybe Jackson.
4) Thou shalt not believe in fake news.
5) Thou shalt not covet what is Trump's; not his wealth, business acumen, fantastic negotiating skills, his daughter nor any such thing that Trump possesses or doth himself covet.
6) Thou shalt not ask about Russia, inauguration crowd size or popular vote numbers.
7) Thou shalt not mock, caricature, joke about, deride, jest, ridicule, make sport of, parody, lampoon, disparage, mimic, satirize, scorn, snicker or point and laugh at Trump or anyone in his immedate family, cabinet or inner circle or likewise revel in and enjoy such japery.*
8) If a tree falls in the forest and Trump says it didn't, it didn't. Anybody says it did, fake news.
9) Thou shalt have no loyalty above that to Trump, not to party, constituents, state, the Constitution, country (any country), the truth, or oath of office if thou hast taken one.
10) When asked to jump, thou shall ask, "How high?"
*Enforcement pending outcome of appeal to U.S. Supreme Court in Trump v. Colbert, CBS, et al.
WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) President Donald J. Trump is reported to be, “Totally confident and not at all worried” about his first job performance review from Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, White House sources are reporting.
Lavrov’s visit to the White House on Wednesday is the first in-person review by a Russian official of Trump’s performance as U.S. President. The meeting is expected to last about an hour and, along with the Foreign Minister’s assessment, to involve conversation on such topics as Trump’s having completed assigned tasks, met goals, overall effectiveness, growth on the job, strengths, weaknesses, and any areas that need improvement. The only question for Trump that has White House aides concerned is, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”