Ant Farmer's Almanac

My New Book is Out!

That's right, friends and neighbors, I've done it again. I've written another book. See, this ad copy below proves it. Along with the links to buy it on Amazon, Kindle or Barnes & Noble.

Have you ever noticed an unfamiliar word or expression suddenly popping up everywhere and wondered 'What's that supposed to mean?' Or, encountered something so new and weird there was no word to describe it? If so, The Bedeviled Dictionary is for you!

This crypto-lexicon of wicked word play offers hilariously on-the-nose definitions of trendy words already in circulation and hundreds of newly coined buzzword wannabes that you'll cackle over as they devilishly satirize post-modern pop culture and the way we speak.

It's also copiously illustrated by my friend and co-author, Martin Kozlowski.

Buy your copy (or three) today on Amazon, for your Kindle or from Barnes & Noble.

 

"They're Not Sending Their Best, They're Sending Criminals" Say Countries About Trump's Ambassadorial Nominees

In other news: Hunter Biden's pardon by his father now qualifies him for a job in the new administration's Diplomatic Corps.

Trump Vows to Ban Taco Tuesdays on Day One

Stating that, "Closing the southern border is only the beginning," the president-elect forcefully insisted, "We must also eradicate all the pernicious influences of the brazen immigrants among us, even -- especially -- those who've been here for generations and established a beachhead on the American Dream," adding, "All things taco, be they Bell, Del, truck or Tuesday, they'd better make a run for the border, pronto!"

Asked about nachos, Mr. Trump responded, "No, Texas stole those fair and square; they're American now."

 

Matt Gaetz Applies for Trump's Old Job at McDonald's

The newly unemployed former Florida congressman says his long experience with teenagers would be a plus for any fast-food franchise. 

 

"Nuke First, Ask Questions Later" is New Russian Nuclear Policy

"Maybe sometime after, we get confirmation of actual threat," said a spokesman for Putin's military attache, who would not respond to questions about how much this new policy resembles Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law.

 

Trump to Grant Independence to Epstein's Island, Establish Diplomatic Relations and Appoint Matt Gaetz as "Cultural Attache for Life"

An overheard conversation at Mar-a-Lago has revealed that within the first week of the second Trump administration, the new president would grant independence to the US Virgin Island of St. James, once owned by and now known as "Epstein's Island", and install former Florida representative Matt Gaetz as a "Cultural Attache". Also, and in what insiders insist is purely a coincidence, the new nation will have no extradition treaty with the U.S. 

 

Jake Paul Named Deputy Attorney General

His first "assignment" is to "Help Merrick Garland clear out his desk."

Trump Vows to Continue Work Started by Guy Who Shit on Nancy Pelosi's Desk on January 6

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz Tapped for US Attorney General.

New York Times Officially Changes Slogan from "All the News That's Fit to Print" to "Resistance is Futile"

After 127 years as the guiding motto of the New York Times, appearing on its front page daily since 1897, "All the News That's Fit to Print" has been updated to the more Trump administration friendly, "Resistance is Futile." The move is consistent with the Times' gradual shift away from objective news gathering and good faith analysis and opinion toward made-you-look clickbait.

In a related story, the Washington Post has replaced its slogan, "Democracy Dies in Darkness" with, "Democracy Can Also be Killed for Money in Broad Daylight with Lots of Witnesses."

Meanwhile, in an exclusive interview with Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent, Superman announced that his vow to fight for, "Truth, Justice and the American Way" will now be "The American Way, Whatever the Hell That is Just Now."

 

Kristi Noem Vows to Protect America from Puppies both Foreign and Domestic

Trump's nominee for Homeland Security Secretary also announced plans to sniff out disloyalty in the agency's K9 units, saying, "Any of them deemed Not a Good Enough Boi will find themselves in the gravel pit of history."

 

Annual "Better Them Than Us" Veterans Day Parade at Mar-A-Lago Acknowledges Existence of Suckers and Losers Who Served in Military

The line at the Mar-A-Lago omelet bar this morning briefly became an impromptu Veterans Day Parade when someone on it remembered that it was Veterans Day. 

"Oh, my," sighed one matron, "Is it November already?" 

Other diners debated which, if any, federal offices or banks might be open and whether they'd had this same conversation last. year.

One tuxedo-clad gent raised his mimosa as a toast to those who served, "Well, somebody had to do it, I'm just glad it wasn't me."

 

Biden Vows Peaceful Transition, "Unlike the Kind of Malarkey You'd Expect from a Once and Future President I Can Think Of"

Trump advisor Steve Bannon hints that Biden will be arrested at Trump's inauguration, "We'll tell him there's ice cream in the back of a windowless van parked around the back of the White House."

 

Trump Declares Himself Winner of NYC Marathon

"It's Just a Coincidence," Insists Group Financing MAGADonald's Bigly Burger Franchise Restaurants So Soon After McDonald's E-Coli Breakout Sinks Stock Price

"Really, this has been in the planning stages for, eh, weeks, yeah, weeks, not just since yesterday afternoon," claimed a spokesman for the collection of investors hoping to get in on the ground floor the the Trump family's latest venture, adding that, "President Trump's recent triumphant making and serving of French fries was fuel for the fire." 

The concept of the plan is for a chain of franchise drive-thru restaurants serving hamburgers and fried chicken. The name of the business has not been finalized but the top contenders are "MAGADonald's" and "Bigly Burger". They would start out with locations within existing Trump properties, including Mar-a-Lago, and expand from there. 

No launch date has been set but leaks from inside the organization indicate that they plan to be up and running so they can cater the inaugural balls in the event of a Trump election victory.

 

Trump Declares His Personal Pronouns to be "Me/Mine"

Public response split between, "Sure, why not" and "Duh".

 

McDonald's Where Trump Worked Deep Fryer Found Cash Drawers Emptied and All Ketchup Packets Missing After His Departure

"We were also short about two dozen straws, and all the apple pies in the freezer were gone," reported the assistant manager of the Feasterville-Trevose, Pennsylvania franchise location at which the former president worked the deep fryer for a few minutes Sunday, adding, "We also can't find the file containing the secret recipe for the sauce that goes on a Big Mac, the Shamrock Shake, and what kind of fish the fish sandwich is made of. No napkins had been taken, though."

The company will neither confirm or deny the suspension of rumored plans to add a presidential themed item to the menu of the Feasterville-Trevose location, the McTroll Meal, featuring a McTrump Cheeseberder, with supersize fries and unlimited refills of Diet Coke.

Also "On Hold" are any National Park Service plans to put up some sort of historic marker noting the occasion until after the upcoming election.

 

Bartenders and Restaurant Servers Brace for Onslaught of Cringy Jokes When Taking Arnold Palmer Drink Orders

Within 24 hours of Donald Trump's televised rant about the famed golfer Arnold Palmer's allegedly oversized manhood, customer wisecracks about the drink and its namesake's enormity were being reported from such national chain restaurants as Applebee's, the Cheesecake Factory and Outback Steakhouse, with more expected to follow.

"Yeah, it's already happening," confirmed Tony Byrne, the waiter at a Sports Bar in Aurora, Ohio, "One guy at the table will order an Arnold Palmer and the others will start in, 'I've already got mine! Ha, ha, ha!' Or, 'You sure you can handle that!' I mean, jeez, I hafta just stand there and smile like it's hilarious and I've never heard that one before," he sighed wearily, adding. "I feel especially bad for servers at golf courses' 19th Hole-themed bars," said Tony, shaking his head in sympathy, "Those poor bastards are really in for it."

Rumors that the seafood chain, Long John Silvers would be offering the drink in a novelty oversized glass could not be confirmed at press time.

 

Diary Entry From Christopher Columbus's Mother, "If Only He Was the Ship's Doctor," Confirms DNA Evidence That He Was Jewish

Recent DNA testing has shown that Christopher Columbus, rather than being from the Italian city-state of Genoa, was, in fact, a Sephardic Jew, born in Valencia, Spain. 

Further research into his newly recognized origins revealed a diary kept by Columbus's mother, in which she laments her son's sea-faring career choice and his repeatedly "...going off to the ends of the earth and who knows where for years at a time for that shiksa Queen Isabella without sending his own mother so much as a post card."

 

NY Times Demands Harris State Her Policy Positions on Windmill Cancer, Shark v Electrocution, Haitian Cuisine, Canada's Giant Faucet, Hannibal Lecter and Whether "The Bear" Really Belongs in the Emmy Awards' Comedy Category

One Times editorial page pundit skeptical about Harris sniffed haughtily, "Say what you will about Trump but, he's made it very clear where he stands on the important issues and Harris owes it to us to do the same," adding, "We'd also like to know if she's changed her opinions on the 'Laurel v Yanni', 'Gold Dress v Green Dress' and the 'Taste Great v Less Filling' controversies of the past."

 

Elon Musk Pitching Remake of "Back to the Future" with Tesla Cybertruck in DeLorean Role

In what is seen as a Hail Mary bid to keep his pet-project Cybertruck from joining the Ford Edsel, the Yugo hatchback and the DeLorean DMC-12 as a laughingstock, punchline and notorious automotive failure, Elon Musk is hurriedly throwing together a deal to remake "Back to the Future," this time recasting Doc Brown's time traveling DeLorean as a Tesla Cybertruck.

"While the DeLorean was just as poorly conceived, designed and manufactured as the Edsel or the Yugo," said a spokesman for Musk, "It's remembered fondly and still considered cool because it was in a popular movie and they weren't." 

 

New GOP PSA Reminds Party Members to Spay or Neuter Their Pets or Hand Them Over to the Nearest Illegal Haitian Immigrant, Along With Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti.

Fine print suggests that in South Dakota to just leave the animal in a gravel pit near Kristie Noem's house.