Ant Farmer's Almanac

Next Five Things George Santos Will Be Expelled From

Mensa

First Chair Violin at the New York Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra

The WNBA

Dancing With the Stars

AARP

 

 

George Santos Says House Ethics Report on Him "Riddled with Hyperbole, and I Should Know Since I Invented Hyperbole!"

The embattled congressman also claims he does all of his own stunts.

It Was 20 Years Ago Today

On November 13, 2003, the first Ant Farmer's Almanac post went up. It was this:

Answers to Last Week's Quiz

 

1) Video Killed the Radio Star 

 

2) Club Soda 

 

3) Some guy, you don't know him. Always wears sunglasses. 

 

4) True Grit, although he really deserved it for The Searchers. Or Red River. 

 

5) Take the 1, A, B, C or D train to Columbus Circle (59th St.), walk two blocks south to 57th, turn east and walk to Seventh Avenue. It's on the southeast corner. Or "practice". Is that how you meant it? 

 

 

Tim Scott Suspends Presidential Campaign to Spend More Time With His Girlfriend

"I'm looking forward to taking things to the next level," said the South Carolina Senator, "I'm eager to find out more about her as a person, things like, her name and where she lives."

 

Trump Claims Suit Against His Companies Threatens Time/Space Continuum as Property Valuations for Loans and Taxes Were Made in Different Dimensions and Parallel/Alternate Universes Where Money is Measured Differently

The former president would not comment on speculation that he had sent his accountants through a wormhole in search of more favorable financial conditions.

 

Pontificating Pundits Predict Perennially Perilous Path for Present Prez

News gnomes note gnarly, knotted network of neverending nuisance and interruption.  

 

GOP Rivals Question Whether Candidate Tim Scott's "Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada" Could Legally Serve as First Lady

"For the last time," said an exasperated Tim Scott, "I never said she lived in Canada, just that we went to different schools."

Death of Ian Wilmut, Pioneering Scientist Who Cloned Dolly the Sheep, Announced by Ian Wilmut.2

"He never once looked at Dolly the Sheep as merely a source of wool or lamb chops," said Wilmut's clone Ian (Beta) Wilmut.2, "Anymore than he saw me as just a convenient storehouse of spare parts."

 

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

DeSantis Vows to Put Florida-Bound Saharan Dust Storm on a Bus to New York City

"As soon as this Arabian abomination hits our shores," stated a spokesman for Florida governor and 2024 presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis, "We'll gather that sucker up and send it up to New York City and see how they like it... heck, they'll probably give it tickets to The Lion King and let it register to vote!"

 

 

Every Pubic Defender in Miami-Dade County Calls in Sick to Avoid Chance of Becoming Trump's Court-Appointed Defense Counsel

"No way," said one, interviewed from home, "I'm not gonna risk getting anywhere near this."

 

Mike Lindell and Trump Organization Introduce MyBoxes®

"Everybody's got secrets -- whether your own or someone else's -- and you need someplace to hide them" reads the ad copy, “You don't have to be under investigation to need MyBoxes®! Whatever you're hiding, whomever you're hiding it from and wherever you're hiding it, MyBoxes® will get the job done -- and done right! Store rooms, bedrooms, ballrooms, bathrooms, even in the shower,* MyBoxes® will never let you down, unlike some pussy-assed lawyers who bail on you the minute you get indicted and who you were never gonna pay anyway so, fuck those guys... But wait!" the ad continues, "MyBoxes® brand bankers boxes are also incredibly easy to move -- even your scrawniest flunky could do it! Keep your secrets secret! Order TODAY!"

*MyBoxes® stored in rooms adjacent to salt water pools not covered by warranty.

 

PGA, LIV Golf Merger Includes Drilling Rights in Sand Traps

"Tournament courses that refuse to cooperate will be dealt with harshly!" said a spokesman for the newly unified golf organizations, regarding drilling for oil in course sand traps as he began pulling a bone saw out of his pocket, then adding quickly, "That is to say, I'm sure we can come to some intimida... eh, I mean accommodation." 

 

"Saint Peter Greeting Deceased Celebrity" Set to Overtake "Guy on Desert Island" As Most Overused Cartoon Cliché

"Of course, we may not know exactly when this happens," says a spokesman for various cartoonist's organizations who is holding the bets, "There are just way too many of each to calculate. But there's every indication that the tipping point could come as soon as the end of the month." 

 

Childrens' Book About Harvey Milk and U.S. Constitution Banned From Florida Public Schools

TALLAHASSEE (AFA NewsWire) A spokesman for Governor Ron DeSantis today announced that PRIDE -The Story of Harvey Milk and the Rainbow Flag and bound copies of the United States Constitution are the latest books to be banned from Florida public schools, stating, "We won't allow our children to be poisoned by the radical left shoving their woke agenda down our throats and undermining traditional values," adding, "And then there's this kids' book about some fruitcake who invented a gay flag."

 

George Santos Enters Plea of "NOT Guilty, Yeah, THAT'S the Ticket..."

Indicted congressman tells reporters outside courthouse that he wasn't just inside the courthouse, had not been indicted, had won his case, and that the fire alarm in the courtroom he wasn't in wasn't set off by his flaming pants and those weren't even his pants.

 

Jordan Klepper to Conduct First Post Fox-Firing of Tucker Carlson

The Daily Show correspondent's many years covering MAGA hardliners, white supremacists and Neo nazis makes him uniquely qualified to keep a straight face and continue asking questions despite responses of utter nonsense, rank stupidity and pure evil. "It'll be a challenge with Tucker," admits Klepper, "I've been training for this for a long time," adding, "Not that I'm particularly looking forward to it."

 

Zelenskyy Denies Xi Asked for Dirt on Hunter Biden During Phone Call

Ukranian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy insists that at no point in his historic phone call with Xi Jinping did the Chinese president ask for compromising or embarrassing intel on U.S. president Joe Biden's son, Hunter, "Unless maybe his inquiries about laptop repair shops in Kyiv was supposed to be a hint at something." 

 

 

Joe Alwyn Eagerly Awaiting Taylor Swift's Next Album to Find Out Why She Broke Up With Him

"I'm just hoping it isn't a double album," says Alwyn, "We were together for six years so, she's got a ton of material."

 

"I Expect to be Arrested Tuesday" Something Trump's Been Saying Since 1980s

"Nobody knows why it's always a Tuesday," a source close to the Trump organization confirms, adding, "It just is."