Ant Farmer's Almanac

White House Press Tipped-Off to Pre-Thanksgiving Pardon of 268-Pounder.

Reporters told this Tuesday's Rose Garden ceremony will be "One for the history books".

 

White House Staff Told to Not Look Behind Poster of Rita Hayworth Hanging on Oval Office Wall

Visitors also advised to “Pay No Attention” to the president’s dirty fingernails, dented and scratched spoons and chisels on Resolute Desk.

 

Thanksgiving Turkey Surprise

Trump Pardons Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in Rose Garden Ceremony

Confiscated Underwater Scooter from Ponzi Schemer’s Escape Attempt Sent to White House

FBI offers no explanation. In a totally unrelated news story, Google searches for "Secret Subterranean Aquatic Tunnels from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to Potomac River" up 3000%.

 

“That’s Right. It’s Also a Mountain in Alaska”

Kayleigh McEnany's response to a White House reporter noting that “Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, you know."

 

 

EBay Flooded With Pollster’s Discarded Ouija Boards, Crystal Balls, Tea Leaves

“Screw all that,” says Nate Silver, “From now on I’m sticking to the I Ching.”

 

Biden Transition Team Vetting Native American Shamans for Sage Burning Cleanse of White House

Exorcists and Ghostbusters on Standby.

Secret Service Denies Agents on POTUS Detail Playing “Rock Paper Scissors” to Decide Who Gets to Tase Him When the Time Comes

White House Chef Replaced with Grubhub App

Sales of Aviator Shades Skyrocket

"We haven't seen numbers like this since "Top Gun" came out,” says RayBan spokesman.

Trump Claims Victory, Declares Himself 46th President

Trump Furious That He Can't Appoint Replacement for Retiring Washington Post Cartoonist Tom Toles

Initially delighted by the prospect ("A threefer!") of being rid of criticism ("So unfair") from retiring Washington Post editorial cartoonist Tom Toles, getting to name his replacement with "Some Trump-friendlier guy" ("How about Dilbert? He still likes me, right?"), and, as a bonus, sticking it to the paper's owner and long-time enemy and for-real billionaire Jeff Bezos, President Trump flew into a characteristic rage when informed that doing so was not within his presidential powers.

Aides were finally able to calm the president by assuring him that nobody but Washington Post readers read the Washington Post and that, yes, people are saying that Dilbert likes him as much as ever, so far as they know. 

 

Kelly Loeffler Unfamiliar With This "President Trump" People Keep Asking Her About

Asked for comment about his time on Pence's head, the fly cried out in a high-pitched voice, "Help me! Help me!"

Secret Service Changes Trump's Code Name from "Mogul" to "Cootie Monster"

Runners-up included "Typhoid Putz", "Comorbidity One", "Superspreader".

 

Vice President Pence Delightedly Agrees to Have More Distance and Plexiglass Barrier Between Him and Woman on the Debate Stage Who is Not His Wife

Nationwide Spike in Cases of Schadenfreude Reported

"Atlas Shrugged"

Headline on report of the reaction by White House medical advisor Scott Atlas when he was told about Trump's Positive COVID-19 Test Result.

 

Biden to Study Warner Bros. Cartoons Featuring Tasmanian Devil Character as Prep for 2nd Debate

The campaign has also hired Gary Busey and Randy Quaid to spar with the former Vice President in practice sessions for the upcoming debates.

"Either of them alone wasn't enough," said a Biden campaign staffer, "We believe that only Busey and Quaid together, sharing the podium at the same time, talking over the Vice President, the moderator each other and the voices in their heads could come anywhere close to the experience of facing Donald Trump on the debate stage," adding, "This will provide Mr. Biden with a beneficial workout and be damn fun to watch." 

Dictionarium

Trumpoline
\trump-oh-leen\
noun, verb, whatever... does it even matter anymore?

To experience multiple, dramatic, sudden and unexpected emotional ups and downs every day for an extended period of time (four years, say), that, however entertaining, leaves you in a perpetual state of exhaustion. 

"Dating Pat was like being on a trumpoline with no way off."