Ant Farmer's Almanac

EPA Kicks Off New Round of Deregulation by Reigniting Cayuhoga River

CLEVELAND (AFA NewsWire) For the first time in more than 50 years, the Cayuhoga River was ablaze again last night in a spectacular display dubbed, “Smoke on the Water” as the “opening ceremony” of the Environmental Protection Agency’s latest round of deregulation.

“We wanted to make a big splash,” said Roy L. Ashall, a Trump-appointed assistant acting deputy to the acting assistant of the acting deputy director of the EPA, “The president likes to put on a good show and we thought this would be a real barn burner… except it’s a river, not a barn,” and, Ashall added, “It’s something of a tradition around here, I’m told. Isn’t there’s even a song about it?”

The Cayuhoga River, which was infamously and frequently flammable for much of the 20th century, due to it’s toxically polluted water, has undergone decades of vigorous clean-up and rehabilitation, sparking revived waterfront neighborhoods and active aquatic sports. 

While previous fires were the result of years of neglected maintenance and blatantly illegal dumping, this “controlled burn” was created by towing a barge filled with a combination of crude oil and gasoline into the area known as The Flats and igniting it.

“The gas acts as an accelerant and the crude floats and burns more slowly,” notes Ashall, “It’ll burn itself out in a few days or weeks. Probably,” adding, “Oh, and, sorry about that bridge.”

EPA’s goals this year include rollbacks of fuel economy standards, relaxing of climate warming pollution and ignoring the dumping of toxic chemicals into public waterways.

“The theme is, “Back to the Good Old Days,” enthused Ashall, “We want to make industrial waste a household name again.”

Although one city hall official remembered something about an EPA request for a fireworks permit, Cleveland mayor Frank G. Jackson and Ohio governor Mike DeWine both denied prior knowledge of the event. 

 

Shortage of Ice Floes Sinks Proposal to Send Seniors Adrift at Sea

Global Warming Blamed

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) A leaked internal email, purportedly from the Federalist Society, reveals a proposal for sending non-productive senior citizens at risk for the coronavirus out to sea on ice floes. 

Meant to capitalize on the growing sentiment in conservative circles that older Ameicans should voluntarily give up their lives to save the economy, the plan, entitled, “Sometimes the Old Ways Are Best” revives the Inuit practice of senilicide, last used in 1939 and, to be fair, only in times of extreme hardship before then. 

With no indication of to whom the proposal was to be presented, the memo details the rationale for the project — old people are a drag on the economy in the best of times and, under the current circumstances, an existential threat to the Dow Jones — and suggests ways to spin the concept to be more palatable (“Go With the Floe!”) to the general public as well as the senior citizens themselves. 

This latter issue, however, has proved “. . .less of an obstacle than expected. . .” according to the memo since, “. . .followers of the various pundits openly forwarding the idea seem non-plussed by its Swiftian aspect with some enthusiastically eager to make this sacrifice”.

Only in a reply to the original email is a lack of ice on which to place willing seniors presented as a problem.

“Despite global warming being a hoax or at least a liberal media exaggeration of naturally occurring fluctuations of the Earth’s climate, there is at present, a notable shortage of appropriately sized ice floes to hold an elderly American long enough to get them past being visible from shore.” 

The memo goes onto to debate whether a profitable contract industry could be created to fill this need but, it ultimately determines any such venture a non-starter also noting that, “The existing supply of ice floes is populated by very territorial polar bears, many of them drinking Coca-Cola.”

 

Dickens’ Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future's Post-Haunt Analysis of Unsuccessful Attempt to Show Donald Trump the Error of His Ways

PAST GHOST
What the hell just happened?

PRESENT GHOST
I don’t understand it at all.

FUTURE GHOST
What do we do next?

PAST GHOST
I dunno, I mean, we did everything right, right?

PRESENT GHOST
Yeah, yeah. we showed him his own miserable childhood, the misery he’s inflicting on others now, his own future misery…

FUTURE GHOST
Weird that he laughed.

PAST GHOST
Just flat-out denied it, ‘Never happened,’ he said.

PRESENT GHOST
‘Fake haunting’, he tells me. What does that even mean?

FUTURE GHOST
Refused to believe he was seeing his own funeral, ‘This can’t be it,’ he says, ‘Mine’ll be yoooge’. 

PAST GHOST
Didn’t stop tweeting the whole time. He was barely paying attention.

PRESENT GHOST
Never seen anything like it. The insults, the name-calling.

FUTURE GHOST
Even Scrooge never made fun of the way Tiny Tim moved around on his crutch.

PAST GHOST
Or rated Mrs. Cratchit ‘No better than a 4, tops’.

PRESENT GHOST
She's a solid 7, easy . . .

FUTURE GHOST
For her time, especially, yeah.

PAST GHOST
Never seen anything like it. 

PRESENT GHOST
(To Future)
You gave him the skeletal finger pointing to his own demise business? 

FUTURE GHOST
Whole nine yards; ground fog, thunder, lightning, well-timed organ sting — you know he loves melodrama — the only thing that seemed to get to him was seeing his name being taken off his properties.

PAST GHOST
Maybe we’re using the wrong approach; maybe erasure of his life and legacy is the way to go, like in It’s A Wonderful Life?

PRESENT GHOST
Has Capra got ghosts?

FUTURE GHOST
He’s got angels, same difference.

PAST GHOST
Here’s his number.

PRESENT GHOST
Who’ve we got for tonight?

FUTURE GHOST
McConnell.

PAST GHOST
Oh, I am not looking forward to this.

 

Trump Shuttle on List of Airlines to Receive Financial Bailout

Pence Issues First Statement on Battling Coronavirus

"We can convert this crisis into a cure," states new coronavirus czar

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) In his first official act as coronavirus czar, vice president Mike Pence today handed out lapel pins emblazoned with the phrases, "Denying is Defying!" and "Fake it till you shake it!" 

Pence has waved off recommendations from the WHO, the CDC and other public health organizations and is drawing instead on his experience with public health crises while governor of Indiana. This included leaning heavily on gay conversion therapy and "praying away the gay" as methods of preventing HIV. His coronavirus campaign emphasizes the individual's role and responsibility in dealing with the pandemic.

A flyer distributed to the assembled press lays out the foundation of Pence's call to action.

If you have, or think you have, coronavirus, repress all symptoms and behave as if you don’t have it. Do things a healthy person would do, even if you don’t feel well enough to do them. Do them anyway. Act as if you're healthier than the healthiest person who ever lived, as if you were someone who, blessedly, will never know the agony of a soul tortured by the power of the coronavirus.

Just the simple act of denying the coronavirus’ effect on you will blunt and reverse the virus. Never give in to the overpowering and persistent temptation to acknowledge and accept the fact that you may really have it. Keep reminding yourself how much better it is to not have the coronavirus and how much happier and well-adjusted you'd be if you don’t. Wouldn't you rather be someone who doesn't have the coronavirus? Of course you would.

Tips on Avoiding the coronavirus:

• Wash your hands frequently.
• Don’t be alone in a room with the coronavirus.
• Drink plenty of fluids.
• Avoid musical theater, discos, the E! Channel and, if you have it, Bravo. Also, just to be on the safe side, most of the Food Channel; the holiday themed baking shows, especially.
• Invest more in the stock market. Help boost America's economic immune system!
• If you get a common cold or even the flu, don't panic; just keep telling yourself, "It isn't the coronavirus, it's just a phase I'm going through and I'll get over it."
• Seek the help of a cleric of your choice but, remember to wear a face mask over your nose and mouth so he knows what he's up against and not get too close to you.

Congressional Republicans Congratulate Trump for Being Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"

WASHINGTON (AFA NewsWire) In a party line vote taken today in the House of Representatives, Republicans voted to issue a proclamation congratulating President Donald Trump on being named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year". Senate Republicans later seconded the motion and issued a joint statement that the honor, while long overdue, was well deserved if too understated.

No sitting members responded to such questions from the press as, "You know he isn't really Time's "Person of the Year", right", "Are you serious?" and "What the fuck!?!"  

Congressional Democrats were quick to point out that the proclamation was utterly meaningless having not gone through any sort of the necessary procedures such a declaration would need to be "official". Nonetheless, at least a dozen staffers were tasked with going though the document with a fine-toothed comb looking for anything the Republicans were trying to sneak into the record.

Speaking on condition of anonymity and with visible fear in his eyes, one GOP House member explained, "Look, you don't want to be in the same zip code as Trump when he finds out that he's not Time's Person of the Year" and that he lost to a girl."

 

OK Boomer!

OK Boomer!
The New Musical Sensation Dividing the Generations
(To the tune of "Oklahoma!", with apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, their descendants, estates and lawyers)

OK Boomer, we are getting offa your damn lawn
And with rising seas and burning trees
Pretty soon we'll all of us be gone
OK Boomer, you have wrecked all that you leave behind
The economy, society,
And you vote as if you’ve lost your mind.

We know. You had all the best bands
But they're dead now, so just go pound sand!
And when we say
Shut up and go away!
We really mean it you Boomers
OK Boomers, oy vey!

OK Boomers, is there something wrong with all your brains?
The world's gone bust, you've lost our trust,
Was it chemtrails coming out of planes?
OK Boomers, we are cancel'ing you right here and now
For the mess you've made, we're throwing shade
And you respond by, what, having a cow?

We know. You had all the best bands
But they're dead now, so just go pound sand!
And when we say
Shut up and go away!
We really mean it you Boomers
OK Boomers, oy vey!

 

 

Alt-Writes: New Takes on Old Tales

101 Dalmations

Fashion designer's plan to use sustainable, renewable source for fur coats is thwarted by violent animal rights activists.

 

Alligators' Refusal to Relocate Nixes Border Moat

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Reaction to revelations that president Trump ordered a "water-filled trench, filled with snakes or alligators", built along the U.S. Mexico border, escalated further today when leaked White House memos about it were made public.

This new information includes that White House staffers went as far as calculating cost estimates for the project, where they encountered a mountain of logistical and budgetary obstacles.

The building and maintenance of a trench long enough to stretch from Brownsville, Texas to San Diego, California alone, much less access to and the cost of diverting enough water to keep it viable; the filtration, procurement and transport of snakes and/or gators, and their care and feeding all proved daunting and foreshadowed the plan's doom.

Also revealed were alternative schemes, including having border agents patrol while wearing hockey goalie masks and carrying chainsaws or -- and this was rejected as too cruel and unusual -- telemarketers, in person, shouting into bullhorns at anyone attempting to get into the country that their car's warranty was about to expire.

But in the end, the final blow came from an unexpected source: The alligators.

"When I retire, I'm moving to Florida," said Tock, designated spokesman for "Gators Ain't Goin'", the ad hoc group leading opposition to a mass relocation of the legendary alligators who have dwelt for decades in the sewers of New York.

"Seriously," intoned Tock, "We're expected to just give up our cosmopolitan sophisticated lifestyle under New York -- the greatest city in the world, amirite! -- and schlepp off to some sun-belt desert state where they don't even have a word for 'humidity'?" He (we're assuming) then added, "Eminent domain, what a croc!" prompting uproarious laughter from the others present.

No snakes responded to requests for comment.

 

 

 

Yasgur's Ghost

A little song to commemorate the collapse of both 50th Anniversary of Woodstock events.

 

Well, I came upon a middle-aged man
He was talking about the road
I asked, him, where you thinkin' of going
And this he told me
Well I'm off in search of Yasgur's ghost
Gonna hire me some rock and roll bands
Trynna get back to the land that set our 
Souls free

We are boomers, years now golden
Feeling like billion year old carbon
And we want to buy our way back into the garden

Well, then can I roam beside you?
My world's been in a haze,
And nostalgia's all that sells or 
Makes sense these days

And maybe it's that my time is up 
And maybe it's the lot of man
I still don't know who I am
But life's for yearning

We are boomers, years now golden
Feeling like billion year old carbon
And we can't just buy our way back into the garden

By the time we bailed on Woodstock
There was half-a-million gone...
And nowhere near any song 
Or celebration

And I dreamed I saw Max Yasgur floating 
Above me in the sky 
Said, the past ain't like it was

And by now you should know why

We are boomers, years now golden
Caught in our own devils bargain
We ought to have just booked
Madison Square Garden

 

From here on, I think we can pretty much assume that everything Trump says is ammunition for his “Not-Guilty by Reason of Insanity” defense.

Cyclist Irritated by Stoplights and Pedestrians Getting in Way of His Attempt to Save the Planet

New BabyFaceApp Shows What You Looked Like As An Infant

PRESS RELEASE: Undisclosed Location but Definitely Somewhere in North American United States. Wyoming, Maybe.

The exciting new BabyFaceApp can show you what you might have looked like when you were an infant! Just send your name, address, phone number, social security card number, a valid credit or debit card account number, your current credit score, a recent picture of yourself and internet access to all photos ever taken of you.  

Just email this information to:
notarussiantrollfarmidentitytheftscam@
russiantrollfarmidentitytheftscam.com today.

Results in 2 to 5 days. You'll be amazed at what happens next!

 

 

Trump Declares Candidacy for President of the Confederacy

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA (AFA NewsWire) At a hastily organized rally Tuesday morning, President Donald Trump thrilled the assembled crowd by announcing that he was now a candidate for president of the Confederate States of America.

"You had it so right, you rebels," he said to the cheering crowd, "You tried to preserve, protect and maintain your way of life, all that was right and good about America, all the things our Founding Fathers -- all white, all men, right? I don't have to tell you that, you know -- held so dear and fought so hard for," the president paused while the crowd waved the Stars and Bars and chanted "CSA, CSA, CSA," nearly drowning out the sound of his voice.

"What you needed in 1861, and what I'll give you now, is a big beautiful wall across the Mason-Dixon Line," Trump paused here and shrugged, "Wall, fence, barricade, DMZ, whatever... We'll keep out the liberals and the progressives and the communists trying to take away our God-given right to make sure everyone knows their place and stays in it, and rededicate ourselves to the core values of the founders' vision of One White, Land-Owning Man, One Vote!" 

A reporter who asked if "land-owning" included owners of mobile homes who did not own the land on which they were parked, was beaten severely by a group calling themselves "Fundamentalist Americans" and taken to a nearby hospital.

 

Prince of Whales Found Dead on Oregon Coast

NEWPORT, OREGON (AFA NewsWire) Just days after meeting with President Donald Trump, the Prince of Whales, confidant of Poseiden and Neptune, technical advisor to Jacques Cousteau and bon vivant of the Seven Seas, washed up on the Oregon coastline, just north of the town of Newport.

"A couple walking their dog along Nye Beach had spotted the whale carcass Wednesday morning and called it it," said Deputy Phil Blanc of the Lincoln County Sheriffs Department, "It wasn't until we were packing the body with dynamite that we noticed the crown and the monocle."

At that point, a local historians and marine biologist were brought in and they positively identified the remains as being of royal lineage.

An autopsy is currently underway at a nearby aquarium’s marine mammal facility. 

 

23 and Me Too

Anthony Weiner Joins Field of 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Within minutes of his release from 21 months in prison for lewd conduct with a minor, Anthony Weiner has announced his candidacy for president and said he would immediately begin preparations for the Democratic primary season.

Convicted of sexting with an underage girl, Weiner, a six-term congressman and one-time New York mayoral candidate, still faces three years' of court supervised release.

Speaking to reporters gathered outside the halfway house from which he had just emerged a mostly free man, Weiner was asked how he thinks jumping into the 2020 Democratic Primary is not a monumentally bonkers idea, he responded, "Donald Trump has set the bar so low in terms of all types of behavior -- ethics, morals, judgment and personal conduct -- that my own misdeeds seem almost quaint, really."

Hearing there were already 23 candidates in the running, Weiner spontaneously remarked that his campaign slogan might be "23 & Me!" rather than his original "You've Done Worse!"

Reached for comment, a spokesman for the Democratic National Committee, hearing about this for the first time, said simply, "Oh, Hell no!"

Drive-Thru Vatican Rag

Irish Times: Galway Parish Reports Record Numbers at New Drive-Thru Ash Wednesday Service

First you fiddle with your keys,
Dangling from your rosaries,
Drive like mad then sit and wait,
And, don't tailgate, don't tailgate, don't tailgate

In whichever gear is needed,
Inch along don't be impeded!
Watch your mouth in this slow processional,
It could land you in confessional!

Two, four, six, eight,
At least there's no collection plate!

Tempting though it is to pass,
On this novel drive-thru mass,
If your seatbelt's not a chafer,
Go on, supersize that wafer,

Sundays, heathens do as they pleases,
Honk if you love dashboard Jesus

Ave Maria, 
She's behind you in a KIA!
Doin' the Drive-Thru,
Doin' the Drive-Thru,
Drive-Thru Vatican Rag!

 

With deepest apologies to Tom Lehrer and thanks to Chris Parkin for spotting this news item.

 

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Meet the Wolfman

Between Rosencrantz & Guildenstern’s debut as a duo in Shakespeare’s Hamlet and their star turn in Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, the pair appeared in a wide variety of genres as supporting players or, as here, with top billing.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Meet the Wolfman

Scene 1

A dense forest. Rosencrantz steps into a clearing from stage left. 

ROSENCRANTZ

Where are we?

GUILDENSTERN

From offstage

A forest. Can you see it?

ROSENCRANTZ

No. Too many trees. Follow my voice.

GUILDENSTERN

Follow it where?

ROSENCRANTZ

To where I am.

GUILDENSTERN

Where are you?

ROSENCRANTZ

In the forest.

GUILDENSTERN

Stumbles onto center stage from trees, rear

Ah, you're not in the forest at all! You're in this clearing! No wonder I couldn't find you.

ROSENCRANTZ

Swats Guildenstern with his hat

Stay closer, you idiot, these woods are fraught with danger.

GUILDENSTERN

I thought we were in a forest?

ROSENCRANTZ

Forest, woods; what's the difference? 

GUILDENSTERN

Places fingers at temples and recites

A wood is an area covered in trees, larger than a grove. A forest is also an area covered in trees, but larger than a wood. Originally, 'forest' meant a royal hunting ground, which is why they are usually larger than 'woods'; woods can be just a few trees, whereas a forest is usually much denser, both in trees and vegetation.

ROSENCRANTZ

Swats Guildenstern with his hat again, harder this time. Guildenstern falls over backwards, 

Thou'st art both fool and savant but not in equal measure. 

He looks up from the prone Guildenstern toward offstage right

Forsooth, a gypsy woman approaches!

GUILDENSTERN

Still on the ground

A raven-haired seductress or a soothsaying crone?

ROSENCRANTZ

Crone.

GUILDENSTERN

Too bad. I could really go for a raven-haired seductress about now.

GYPSY

Enters right, wizened crone with knobby walking stick, hooded cape and a couple of overflowing shopping bags

Beware! Beware! The sign of the wolf!

ROSENCRANTZ

All we saw were "No Trespassing" and "Castle for Sale" signs.

GYPSY

Silence!

GUILDENSTERN

Says nothing

GYPSY

That's better. Now, where was I? 

ROSENCRANTZ

Sign of the wolf.

GYPSY

Right, right... 

Reverts to spooky soothsaying voice

You are in grave danger...

ROSENCRANTZ

What? Is Hamlet about?

GYPSY

Tonight will come the full moon, when even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers by night may become a wolf when the wolfsbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright...

GUILDENSTERN

Wait, I know this one, something about Nantucket...

GYPSY

And that wolf will come hither, or perhaps yon... Heed my words! Withdraw these woods! Flee this forest! Beware! Beware! 

That'll be 3 Kopeks.

ROSENCRANTZ

I've only got a five. Can you make change?

GYPSY

Sure.

She bites the fiver Rosencrantz gives her, then opens her cape to reveal a coin changer on her belt, clicks out two Kopeks and hands them to Rosencrantz

You need a receipt?

ROSENCRANTZ

No, we're good.

Gypsy exits

ROSENCRANTZ

The gypsy's words are a puzzlement.

GUILDENSTERN

T'is true; 3 Kopeks and she didn't say "sooth" even once!

ROSENCRANTZ

Swats Guildenstern with his hat

On what proof does she found her claim of wolves about? We've been in these woods for hours and have seen no evidence.

GUILDENSTERN

You're standing in it.

ROSENCRANTZ

Jumps up and looks at the bottom of his boot

Ack! T'is ill fortune and bad luck. This'll never come off!

GUILDENSTERN

Waving hand in front of his face and moving to other side of Rosencrantz

Ay, t'is also an ill wind.

ROSENCRANTZ

Sitting on log, scraping at boot bottom with a stick

Night approaches. Wolves or no, we must seek shelter.

GUILDENSTERN

And refreshment.

ROSENCRANTZ

Ay. . . that "Castle For Sale" sign, did it say how far and in what direction?

GUILDENSTERN

As before, puts his fingertips on his temples and recites as if reading the memory

"For Sale, Talbot Manor, 6 rms, Hardwood floors. Brick privvy (2-holer!). Solid medieval workmanship inside and out. Designer kitchen. Moat. Peek-a-boo view of full moons and approaching villagers. Fixer. 6,000 Guilders OBO. Open House today only, Noon to Dusk. Refreshments & merrymaking. Head due east, 3 furlongs short of a league; ask for Larry."

ROSENCRANTZ

Ugh, "fixer". Still, we can arrive near to sundown if we make haste. 

GUILDENSTERN

I hope there's some mead left.

They exeunt

Scene II

Interior: Talbot Manor House; stone walls, a large fireplace decorated with a family crest and crossed swords, a hefty round wooden table at center stage and directly above it, a hefty irownwork chandelier with candles that barely illuminate the room, in short, spooky. 

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern enter, left, through the arched entryway, pushing open a heavy wooden door that creaks loudly as it moves. They turn and shush each other loudly as door continues to swing open, then stops with a loud smack as it hits the wall. R&G then pull off their hats and start swatting each other with them.

LARRY TALBOT

Enters from right; he's in early stages of transforming into a werewolf—spiky pompadour, torn clothing, no shoes

Oh, you shouldn't be here. It's too late for you now. 

ROSENCRANTZ

Has somebody already put it an offer?

GUILDENSTERN

Is all of the mead gone?

LARRY TALBOT

Oh, cruel fate! Deliver me from my destiny! Why, oh, why do you do this to me!

ROSENCRANTZ

So, there's no offer?

GUILDENSTERN

Or mead?

LARRY TALBOT

The hour approaches—the hour of the wolf!

ROSENCRANTZ

The gypsy woman mentioned that.

LARRY TALBOT

Raven-haired seductress or soothsaying crone?

ROSENCRANTZ

Crone, I fear.

LARRY TALBOT

Walking stick, coin changer?

GUILDENSTERN

The same.

LARRY TALBOT

You must leave at once before the sun . . .

The light coming in from the still-open front door fades as the sun sets, leaving the arched doorway a dark hole, and the only light in the room now from the chandelier. 

Oh, the vexation . . .

ROSENCRANTZ

Peering at buffet table

I'm not seeing any of that but, oooh, canapes!

As the light fades, Talbot transforms fully into the Wolfman. While this is happening Rosencrantz is too busy sampling from the buffet table to notice; Guildenstern, however. sees the changes and keeps tapping on Rosencrantz’s shoulder but is too terrified to speak

GUILDENSTERN

Nyagh, nyagh, nyagh…

ROSENCRANTZ

Ay, these comestibles are most savory…

GUILDENSTERN

Hiyagh…

ROSENCRANTZ

There’s enough here for both of us, get your own…

Rosencrantz turns around to see the Wolfman nowfully werewolf and realizes the danger. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern hop onto the table which rotates like a lazy Susan, so they're running in place as the Wolfman grabs at them but can't get onto the table 

ROSENCRANTZ

Bad dog!

GUILDENSTERN

Down boy! 

ROSENCRANTZ

Sit! Heel! 

GUILDENSTERN

Roll over!

As Wolfman starts to get onto the tabletop with them Rosencrantz & Guildenstern jump onto the chandelier, sitting on its outer ring while dodging him and swinging their legs to keep him at bay. Amid this commotion, flickers of torchlight and sounds of a crowd come from outside

ANGRY MOB

Voices shouting 

"The beast's in there!" 

"Get him!" 

"Don't let him escape this time!" 

ROSENCRANTZ

Zounds and gadzooks! It’s a mob of angry peasants!

GUILDENTSTERN

Looks at drumstick he’s still holding.

They must be out for revenge!

ROSENCRANTZ

Not “pheasants”. . . oh, nevermind. 

Has an idea

Give me that drumstick!

GUILDENSTERN 

But I'm still hungry!

ROSENCRANTZ

Swats Guildenstern with his hat and grabs the drumstick, then dangles it in from of the Wolfman, who reacts excitedly

Go get it boy, go get it! Fetch!

Rosencrantz flings the drumstick out open front door; Wolfman, now acting like a dog, leaps off the table and out the door after it, then, seeing the mob just outside . . .

WOLFMAN

Ruh roh.

ROSENCRANTZ

That was close!

Wolfman runs back in

GUILDENSTERN

And it's getting closer!

ROSENCRANTZ

Ngah-ngah-ngah!

GUILDENSTERN

Heep-heep-heep-heep!

Wolfman jumps up on table and climbs onto the chandelier with the terrified R&G; Wolfman makes a conspiratorial "shhhhh" gesture, then bares his teeth threateningly; R&G cringe and bite their lips, clinging to each other and the heavy chains holding up their perch. 

The angry mob, carrying the requisite torches and pitchforks, enters all at once, jamming the doorway before falling over each other into the room, Keystone Cops-style; they head for the table and start picking through the buffet table leftovers; they don't notice R&G and Wolfman above them. 

ANGRY MOB

Muttering

"Blast, no mead"

"Only dark meat left!" 

"Oooh, canapes!" 

As they scrounge, their pitchforks and torches come perilously closer and closer to R&G's butts; after several near misses, one torch finally ignites Guildenstern's kiester. It takes him a minute to notice, first sniffing the air then seeing the smoke then feeling the burn

GUILDENSTERN

WHA-oooooooooooooooiiiyyyyaaah!

He jumps up, standing precariously on the rim of the chandelier while Rosencrantz swats at Guildenstern's rear-end with his hat which, of course, catches fire, too.

ANGRY MOB

Looks up and sees R&G and the Wolfman

“There he is!”

“Get him!”

“He’s got friends! Get them, too!”

WOLFMAN

Rrrrrhhhhhhhnnnnnn.

Wolfman stands on rim of chandelier and growls and gestures menacingly; between his actions and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern putting out the fire on Guildenstern’s pantaloons, the chandelier begins swinging side to side

Rosencrantz begins to fall but catches the rim with his knees and is now hanging upside down in the pose of a trapeze catcher; Guildenstern slips, but Rosencrantz catches him, grabbing him by his ankles; they are now swinging widely back and forth and circling as the mob follows the swings of the chandelier and jabs at them with pitchforks, Guildenstern swings his arms around wildly and is knocking them over with his head as they sway, yelping each time he makes contact.

GUILDENSTERN

Oh! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Oh!

The Wolfman hangs off the end of the chandelier opposite R&G and reaches down to flip the table over on top of the mob, pinning them underneath it near the front door.

The Wolfman leaps from the swinging chandelier and lands on the upturned table, using it as a ramp to jump out the door

ROSENCRANTZ

On the count of three, let go. Head for the woods, I'll meet you in the forest!

GUILDENSTERN

Right, I'll go to the forest and meet you in the woods!

ROSENCRANTZ

No, eh, nevermind. On the count of three. . .  one, two…

At the count of two, Guildenstern is thrown from the chandelier and through an archway to the right; sound of pots, pans and kitchen implements being banged around as well as a cat screeching.

When the chandelier swings back the other way, Rosencrantz lets go and is flung out the front door.

Guildenstern re-enters from right, spattered with food and wearing a saucepan on his head. He crosses left and heads out the front door, pausing only to grab a drumstick from the outstretched hand of one of the mob still under the table.

Framed by the doorway we see the Wolfman out front running fast; behind him are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern zigzagging back and forth until they bump into each other, then get up and run off in the same direction towards the woods, yowling the whole way.

ROSENCRANTZ

Nyahhh-ah-ah!

GUILDENSTERN

Heep-heep-heep-heep!

Cue music.

—fin—

 

Nuclear Football Replaced with Nuclear Rubik's Cube

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In an apparent effort to reassure a public increasingly anxious about the president's mental state, three anonymous sources within the Trump White House have separately reported that the device containing the U.S. nuclear launch codes--popularly known as the "Nuclear Football"--has been replaced with a "Nuclear Rubik's Cube".

"This ensures that if the president flies into one of his frequent tantrums," says the first leaker, "And his rage-tweeting isn't enough, should he decide to send some ICBMs to take out, I dunno, CNN or something, he'd have to get all of the six sides solidly one color each first and, given how long that's likely to take, we'll have enough time to get someone in the room to talk him down or zap him with a taser."

"It looks just like a regular, off-the-shelf unsolved Rubik's Cube," said the second of the sources, "And in fact, it is. The one the president has access to is a decoy. The real one, also a Rubik's Cube, is at least 100 yards away from Mr. Trump at all times. In fact, when he's acting especially unhinged, we take it to Camp David," adding, "Come to think of it, it's been there since last July."

The third informant stated confidently, "The Nuclear Rubik's Cube is rigged up so that it cannot be solved. Just like everybody else's."

 

Dictionarium

Borista, noun -- coffee server at Russian Starbucks