Ant Farmer's Almanac

When Trump Loses, Half of His Administration Will Leave in Handcuffs and the Other Half in Straitjackets

“One day it’s going to magically disappear” is the new "Prosperity is just around the corner"

Post-Election Bestsellers List

If Trump Loses:

All the President’s Mendacity

Trump’s Tweets from Jail

Team of Risibles

The Elephant in the Room

From Russia With Love, Vlad: Transcripts from the Putin/Trump phone calls 2016-2020

The Unredacted Mueller Report

Humpty Trumpty: After the Fall

Sorry/Not Sorry: Trump Loyalists' Top Excuses 

Fifty Shades of Schadenfreude

The Joy of Locking Them Up

 

If Trump Wins:

Sir: Fan Letters to Dear Leader

Art of the Deal (reissue with new forward by Vladimir Putin)

Feudalism for Dummies: Preparing for Life in the Newly Great Again America

Let’s Go: Anywhere But Here! Moving Abroad in a Hurry and On the Cheap

The Hunger Games: Non-Fiction How-To Edition

Chicken Soup for Serfs: 101 Uplifting Stories of Perseverance and Survival You’re Really Gonna Need to Get Through This

Mother May I: Mike Pence’s Journey to Talking to Women Who Aren’t His Wife

Amazon Employee Handbook

Fifty Shades of White

The Joy of Locking Them Up

 

I Prefer Boats That Didn't Sink

Silver Linings Plague Book

New From Now What: the Silver Linings Plague Book, How to keep your spirits up during lockdown.

Co-written by myself and Martin Kozlowski, with hilarious helpful hints, astute observations, comics by "Gertrude's Follies" creator Tom Hachtman, and much, much more.

Available from Apple Books.

RNC Replaces Traditional Finale of Balloons Dropping with Stock Footage of Lemmings Diving off a Cliff

Trump Campaign Unveils “At Least They’re White” Response to Charges of Russian Interference

400-Year-Old Shark Tells All

A Greenland Shark, estimated to be nearly 400 years old, has been discovered in the Arctic Ocean. Wandering the seven seas since the 1620s, it is the oldest living vertebrate on the planet. We caught up with him recently for an interview (edited for length and content).

Q: What’s it like being 400 years old?

A: Eh, it’s not so bad. Though, sometimes I'll be in the Gulf Stream and forget why I went there. 

Q: We understand you knew Moby Dick. 

A: What a putz.

Q: You didn’t like him?

A: Not as much as his brothers, Moby Tom and Moby Harry. Nobody remembers them but very nice. Not that smart, maybe, but sweethearts, the both of them. As for Dick, after that book, the fame went to his head. Sure, it was a terrible burden, one whale having to be the metaphor for all of nature, and on top of already being albino. That’s a lot of pressure. But, oy, he never stopped talking about it. It was always with the, ‘Hey, I sank a boat’ and ‘I ate Captain Arab…’

Q: Ahab.

A: Whatever. After a while nobody wanted to migrate with him. He sang solo, if you know what I mean.  

Q: I’m not sure that I do but, let’s move on… 

A: Last I heard he got dynamited on a beach in Oregon.

Q: What’s the secret to living so long?

A: Seafood. Fresh seafood. I stay in the colder Scandinavian waters for all the fish — millions of ‘em. That and the socialized medicine. I’m also a para-vegetarian, I eat only fish that eat only plants. Kidding! I’ll eat anything that moves slower than me. But, freshness, the fresher the better, that’s the key. And not getting eaten by whales. 

Q: Whales don’t eat sharks.

A: That’s what they want you to think.

Q: Have you ever eaten a human?

A: I may have taken a nibble here and there back in the day. But as part of a steady diet, no. It’s just not worth it in the end. You folks don’t taste half as good as you think you do. Plus, snack on one surfer and the next thing you know everybody with a boat is chasing you around and you wind up stuffed and mounted on somebody’s wall. 

Q: Do you like being referred to as the “Keith Richards of Sharks”?

A: Keef’s still alive? Wow. Who’d’ve thought. I haven’t really followed the Stones much since “Exile on Main Street,” they really lost me with their detour into disco.

Q: Do you resent being portrayed in popular culture as malevolent killing machines?

A: It’s a little unfair, maybe. I would characterize us as “eating machines” because, yeah, we’re always on the hunt for food, who isn’t? I’m not saying that a very hungry and cranky shark hasn’t occasionally done something a little crazy, maybe but, hey, nobody’s perfect, right? Funny, but we’re only thought of as evil when we eat one of you.  

Q: What do you think of Jaws, Shark Week and Sharknado?

A: “Jaws” I saw as a tragedy; poor bastard shark finds a plentiful feeding area — they were practically throwing themselves at him — and then the food fights back. Worthy of Rod Serling or O. Henry. I could have used some more back-story but maybe that's just me. Shark Week, I gotta admit I just don’t get it; hours of watching someone else eat. What’s that about? “Sharknado”? I couldn’t make it through even the first one. The special effects were just so terrible. 

Q: What are your plans for the future?

A: Well, I really have no concept of time. I swim,  I eat, I swim some more. That’s about it. Life doesn’t have to be all that complicated.

QAnon Identity to be Revealed “Masked Singer” Style on Final Night of GOP Convention

Bannon Claims Border Wall Scam Meant to Defraud Mexicans, Blames Post Office for Getting Addresses Wrong

After Private Call with Putin, Trump Pardons Rudolf Abel, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg

2020 to Be Measured in Dog Years

In an effort to accommodate and adequately chronicle the rapid pace of this year's current events into comprehensible portions, social and political scientists at the Research Studies Institute are recommending that 2020 be measured in “Dog Years” and multiplied into no fewer than seven segments of varying lengths.

“We aren’t yet certain how the additional time will be distributed,” says Dr. Gerald Bostock, Dean of the Institute’s History Department, “But it probably won’t be divvied up evenly as some months, weeks and even days have been more jam-packed than others."

While the names or titles for these new parcels of time haven't been finalized, Bostock acknowledges that "Head-Spinning", "Hair-Raising", "You've Got to be Kidding Me" and "WTF!!!" were all in serious consideration. 

"We don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves," cautions Bostock, gravely, warning that, “We’ve still got four months to go, God help us all.”

 

GOP Declares Moral Bankruptcy, Goes into Receivership

Yo, Semite!

President Trump reads through and comments on list of National Parks

Arcadia  
Is this some kind of "Talk Like a Pirate Day" joke or something?

Aztec Ruins National Monument 
Mexico should really be paying for this.

Cleveland National Forest 
Loser Californians, naming a park for something in Ohio.

Cuyahoga
Indian name for an old-fashioned car horn. Pretty clever.

Daniel Boone National Forest
A great American cowboy hero who fought at the Alamo, invented raccoons, had a hit TV show.

Denali National Park & Preserve
A park? I thought it was a river.

Fort Bowie National Historic Site
Wasn't he British? That’s not even his real name. Not many people know that.

Golden Spike National Historic Site
Is there still any gold there? We should look into that.

Grand Mesa and Great Sand Dunes
What makes one great and one grand? Sounds rigged, so unfair.

Grand Teton National Park
You know what that means, right? Heh, heh, heh.

Great Smoky Mountains
Loser libs would like to change the name to Great Non-Smoking Mountains. I'll add that to my next press conference.

Inyo National Forest
In Yo what? Is this some inner city woodland? California? Figures.

Monongahela National Forest
Who names a forest after a disease?

Mt. Hood
About time my old New York pals got recognition. Who’d they have to bribe? I'd have done it for less.

Ottowa National Forest
Why are we paying for trees in Canadia?

Pu'uhonua O Honaunau
Is that even a real word? This is why we shouldn’t let in new states that aren’t already American.

Rogue River
Named for McCain? I can change that, right? He was a Maverick? Who was the rogue, then? Palin?

Sequoia
Why would I do that?

Tonto National Forest
One of our greatest, most famous native Indians. 

Yellowstone
This is where Yogi Bear lives, right? Is Boo-Boo still alive? 

 

Historians Rank Trump as 3 of the 5 Worst U.S. Presidents

Employees' Song Greeting Visitors Back to Florida Kingdom Alleged to be Magical

Bet your life
Bet your life
Your existence has a price
A smile is all you need here
But a mask is also nice
Start your tour through this door
Uncle Walt’s beneath the floor
The fluorescent bleach’s delicious
Don’t believe me? Ask Trump’s bitches!
They can spin 
Can’t dance, though
Almost close to Mar-A-Lago
No one’s gloomy or complaining
But to breathe we are all straining
We tell jokes
As we choke
While we entertain you folks
For this we went to Julliard?
The job market is really hard
Bet your life
Bet your life
Bet your life!

 

Holden Caufield’s Book Report on Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea

Found in Holden Caufield’s dorm room after he was expelled and went home to Manhattan.

So, I guess you want to know about all this fisherman stuff.

Ernest Hemingway’s newest book is about an old Cuban fisherman, Santiago, who hasn’t caught any fish for 84 days. Everybody’s saying he’s a loser and even his assistant has been told to ditch him.

He goes out in his crummy boat to fish anyway. He hooks a marlin, at least he thinks it’s a marlin, Hemingway allows some doubt and, if you think about it, if Santiago doesn’t know even know what kind of fish it is, he is kind of a loser. When I went to the aquarium with my little sister Pheobe, even she could tell the difference between a lot of the fish and she’s just a kid. Anyway, whatever kind of fish it is, it’s big enough that it pulls the boat around for two days. At first, Santiago feels admiration for the fish, then sorry for it, then he kills it. Then sharks come and he kills them. But not all of them. The sharks he doesn’t kill eat most of the probably-a-marlin and Santiago rows back home with what’s left of it. Some tourists don’t know what kind of fish it is either. Other fishermen understand what Santiago accomplished, even if it was all for nothing, and Santiago falls asleep and dreams of lions on a beach in Africa.

The story is probably an allegory or a metaphor or something. I don’t know. Maybe it symbolizes man’s struggle with nature and how, even when you win, you still lose, but I don’t really think that and it would seem kind of phony, since that’s what everybody says about Moby Dick and why would Hemingway bother writing another symbolic fish story when it’s already been done and everybody’s been forced to read it like a thousand times? 

I think maybe it’s Hemingway’s gripe about how when he writes something he’s doing it alone and isn’t even sure it’s worth doing or what it is. Then, when he’s done with it, what’s left isn’t quite what he expected. Other writers may appreciate it, even if they don’t think it’s any good, but most people don’t really get it, even if they say it’s so grand because he’s a great writer and anything he does is supposed be grand, but they don’t really know.

I don’t really get the part about lions on the beach. Maybe Hemingway was tired of writing it and just started thinking about what else he’d rather be doing or wondering if there even are lions on beaches in Africa and how they got there. Maybe he should write a book about that.

Anyway, I liked it and at least it was shorter than Moby Dick. They’ll probably make some phony movie out of it and ruin it with some way-too-handsome Hollywood movie star playing Santiago, all made up to look like an old Cuban fisherman, even though he isn’t.

 

 

 

DARWIN AWARDS HALTS 2020 NOMINATIONS, GRANTS ALL HUMANITY A PARTICIPATION TROPHY AND CALLS IT A DAY

GALAPAGOS ISLANDS, EQUADOR (AFA NewsWire) Despite the year 2020 having only just hit the halfway mark, officials of the Darwin Awards have announced they are no longer reviewing nominations, and will hereby cease the judging and awarding process for this year, citing an “Overabundance of candidates” and “Uncertainty that, as a species, mankind deserves to continue inhabiting the planet”. 

Since 1993, the tongue-in-cheek organization has annually saluted the “Improvement of the Human Genome by Honoring Those Who Accidentally Remove Themselves from It In a Spectacular Manner”.

“Naturally, we’d figured on giving the big 2020 prize to U.S. President Donald Trump,” said Darwin Awards spokesman Elijah Radcliffe, “But, he couldn’t have done it alone and, as we expanded the scope to include all who’d enabled him and aided and abetted his rise, well, it just kept going and finally just roped in pretty much everybody. To that end, the whole of humanity has earned itself a participation trophy,” adding listlessly, "So, congratulations, I guess?"

“It all stopped being funny a couple of years ago and now, it seems altogether pointless,” says former Darwin Award committee member, Daniel Wood, adding, “Skipping this year isn't a very controversial move, nobody can credibly argue against doing that.”

The committee said in a press release that it plans to shelter-in-place on the Galapagos Islands in the hope that after a few million years they will evolve into some sort of otter like creatures because, "Who doesn't like otters?" 

 

Ben Affleck to Be New Face of Uncle Ben's Rice

"We're Swapping Out One Ben for Another, So Problem Solved!"

(AFA NewsWire) At a hastily called press conference this morning, the parent company of Uncle Ben's Rice announced that actor/director Ben Affleck will become the new face of their product.

Under intense pressure to change their mascot, an image drawn from racist iconography, the company believes it has found a speedy and satisfactory resolution.

"He's somebody's uncle, right?" stated Harlan Dervish, spokesman for the company's marketing team, "I mean, Casey Affleck's probably got kids, doesn't he? We'll check IMDB... he is, yes, good," adding, "It's a twofer! An uncle and he's named Ben!"

"All we have to do now is change the picture on the package and we're good," said a visibly relieved Dervish, "And, by swapping out one Ben for another, the company stands to save millions of dollars by avoiding the disruption and high cost of a complete rebranding, savings we can pass on to the consumer!"

"We went through a long list of potential replacements before settling on Mr. Affleck: Ben Stiller, Ben Franklin, Ben Turpin, Benjamin Harrison, Benjamin Bratt, Benny Hill, H. Jon Benjamin and the TV bear Gentle Ben," said Dervish in response to reporters' questions about why Mr. Affleck was chosen, "The problem wasn't the name 'Ben', just who Ben was. Mr. Affleck ticked off all the boxes, a Ben, an uncle, not a racial stereotype and, except for maybe Daredevil, Gigli, Jersey Girl, The Accountant, Pearl Harbor and his turn as Batman, fairly well-liked."

"With this change, we've fixed everything, so we can all get back to enjoying this fine line of rice products, now available in microwavable pouches."

Asked if he anticipated any blowback for replacing a black mascot with a white one, Dervish responded, "Oh, for . . . Geez, we're done here."

Details and terms of Mr. Affleck's involvement were not revealed and Mr. Affleck or his representatives did not respond to our requests for comment.

Illustration by Martin Kozlowski 

 

 

 

Facebook Jail Tattoos