Ant Farmer's Almanac

GOP to Replace George Santos with Anthony Devolder

"Devolder's being both a fresh new name and a familiar face at the same time is a real benefit," insists a spokesman for the congressman's home-district Republican Party, adding, "And, if Devolder doesn't work out, we've got a deep bench that includes Anthony Zabrovsky and Kitara Ravache; really, at this point we'll try anything to avoid a special election a Democrat might win."

 

AI Creators Promise Beta Version of George Santos Will be "Much More Convincing"

"Yeah," say software creators at PinocchiCorp, "In hindsight, we shouldn't have released this Alpha version publicly. Clearly, there are still quite a few bugs in the system, although we did get the number of fingers right and his nose doesn't grow when he lies."

 

A Christmas Karen

Ye Olde Yuletide Parody

At the stroke of midnight Christmas Eve, Karen awoke in her bed with a start, sensing there was someone else in her room. Still clutching her MyPillow® tightly while trying to keep very quiet in the darkness, as she reached toward the nightstand where her phone was recharging, she was already thinking up an angry text to send the security company.

But, before she could grab her phone, she heard a voice coming from a ghostly figure hovering over the foot of the bed.

KAREN

Who’s there? What do you want? All my valuables are in a safe-deposit box. In a bank. Far away...

SPIRIT

Karen, I’m here to help you find the true meaning of Christmas…

KAREN

What? Wait a minute. . . why are you green? Are you the Grinch? 

SPIRIT

Chuckles.

Guilty as charged. . . 

KAREN 

The Chuck Jones Grinch or the Jim Carrey Grinch?

SPIRIT

Eh, the Jim Carrey one. . . Now, then, tonight you will be visited by. . .

KAREN

Ugh, not even the good one. . . I know the drill; three ghosts, one every hour, past, present, future, yadda, yadda, yadda. . .

GRINCH

Was I here last year?

KAREN

Look, if we’re gonna do this, why drag it out all night? Can you get everybody here at the same time?

GRINCH

Uh, I, eh. I don’t know for sure. Let me check.

The Grinch shuts his eyes tightly. Two spectral whirlwinds appear on either side of him, gradually taking recognizable form as Charles Dickens and Santa Claus.

CHARLES DICKENS

What the Me are you two doing here? 

SANTA CLAUS

Am I early or late?

GRINCH

Karen, here, insisted on a clusterhaunt. Where’s Krampus?

DICKENS

Three or four time zones behind us, at least. He’s in, let's see, Reykjavík, I think. 

SANTA

Well, if we’re going off-script, maybe I should start. 

Clears throat, takes swig of Coca-Cola®

Karen, having seen you while you’re sleeping and while you’re awake. . .

KAREN

Creepy! Do I need a restraining order?

SANTA

No, it’s all through closed circuit cameras around town and apps on your phone. You wouldn’t stand a chance in court. Anyway, we’ve seen that your behavior demonstrates a certain, shall we say, lack of the Christmas spirit.

Dickens and Grinch stifle snorting giggles

SANTA

Flashes them a dirty look.

Okay, I won’t sugarcoat it. You’re an even bigger pain in the ass during Christmas than the rest of the year. Worse, because it’s the one season when everyone is at least trying to be nicer than usual! Let’s look at what you did just today, on the day before Christmas you: Screamed at 12 fellow shoppers; Bawled out 11 bell ringers; Snarled at 10 part-time sales clerks; Harassed nine wassailers, cut off eight drivers in traffic; Took seven items into a dressing room; Maligned six managers; Frightened five Santa's helpers; Pulled four Santas' beards; Sent back three entrées; Took up two parking spaces; And made a postal carrier cry.

KAREN

Hey, I did what I had to. 

SANTA

Then, when you got home, you fired off an angry email to the HOA, right at dinnertime, demanding they take immediate action regarding light pollution from neighbors’ exterior tree decor, various flaccid inflatable reindeer, stray tinsel on your sidewalk and tweeted a video you made showing the license plates of the car filled with out-of-tune-carolers you’d chased off your front porch and threatened to have arrested.

KAREN

They had it coming.

SANTA

Sighs deeply

Yeah. . .

DICKENS

Look, Karen, here’s the deal. We don’t want to have to come back next year any more than you want us to. How about if you just be less of a dick on the 24th and 25th of December from here on; maybe the whole 12 days before Christmas if you can manage it. How you behave every other holiday is between you and the New Year’s Baby, Cupid, Punxsutawney Phil, the Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam and the Pilgrims. Kapish?

GRINCH

Try it. You might like it!

KAREN

Narrows her eyes into a furious scowl and menacingly points her index finger at the ghosts.

You've got some nerve showing up in my house and trying to tell me what to do and when! Why, I oughta. . .

Before Karen can say another word, Dickens, Grinch and Santa exchange exasperated glances and shrug. The trio dissolves into glittering flecks of light, then vanishes completely.

KAREN

Looks around and notices it’s daylight.

Well, so much for saving time. . . I wonder how long that actually took?

Opens window and leans out.

You there, on my porch!

GUY ON PORCH

You mean me?

KAREN

Yes, you, who else? What’s today?

GUY ON PORCH

Why, it’s Christmas morning!

KAREN

Whatever day it is, get your trespassing ass off my property!

GUY ON PORCH

I’m from FedEx!

KAREN

I’m calling the cops!

 

Meanwhile, Hard-Core Folkies Are Still Waiting for His Apology for Going Electric in 1965...

Bob Dylan apologizes for using an autopen device to 'hand-sign' copies of his new book, "A Philosophy of Modern Song," citing a "Bad case of vertigo".

In other news, "A Bad Case of Vertigo" will be the title of his next album.

New Poll Finds 85% of American Refrigerators Running

Of those contacted by phone, 12% said they were “Not Sure” and 3% declared themeselves “Undecided.” Also, the number of households with Prince Albert in a can is at an historic low.

 

Trump Won't Partake in Right to Remain Silent

Calls appointment of Special Prosecutor, "the worst politicization of justice in our country since I fired Jeff Sessions."

 

Dictionarium

Fascismo

fa·scis·mo  /fäˈCHēzmō/

noun

Loud or aggressive display of intimidation in service of a “Might Makes Right” style ideology and signaling the intent to dominate opposition by brute force or at least the threat thereof. Related to "machismo" but in this case presented as a show of support for or defense of an authoritarian figure or the behavior of said authoritarian figure himself and meant to incite his followers.

 

Elon Musk Insures Twitter for $44 Billion

In a move deemed, 'Not at all suspicious,' Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, has revealed that he's taken out an insurance policy for the full purchase price of the company.

"I just want to protect my investment," insists Musk, noting that the Double Indemnity Clause for fire is well warranted, "You know these absent-minded tech people, so careless with matches, Bunson burners and whatnot." 

Musk would neither confirm or deny the existence of an additional Triple Indemnity Clause for cases of "Stray SpaceX Rockets Landing Right on Top of the Place."

 

"Heads I Win, Tails You Lose" Now Official Campaign Strategy for All GOP Candidates

"We're in it to win it," states a recently leaked text sent to all Republican candidates running for office at every level, "Losing is not an option—even if you do—so if you want any of our sweet, sweet deep-pocket RNC campaign funding, you'll start declaring victory now. Today. Before the voting starts. Only losers admit to losing. Seriously, if you can't deny reality and lie to your constituents with a straight face before you're elected, how are you gonna manage when you're in office?" 

 

The Great British Boiling Show

"Contestants, in today’s challenge—as always—you’ve been given prime cuts of beef, lamb and pork, and a variety of canned vegetables. You must boil down each of them to remove all colour and flavour, then, create three dishes; Bangers and Mash, Shepherd’s Pie and Toad-in-the-Hole.

"The judges will then try to determine which meat is in which dish.

"Additionally, you must prepare a basket of fish and chips because, hey, we gotta eat.

"You have one hour."

 

"Earth Shot First!"

Asteroid Denounces Unprovoked Attack

Asteroid 65803 Didymos today responded harshly to Planet Earth's "Ruthless and deliberate attack" on its moonlet, Dimorphs, "Who never did anything to anybody, especially humans." 

"Even NASA's own triumphal statement about the assault admits that we pose no threat to Earth, yet they went and crashed a spaceship right into us! On purpose! And now they're bragging about it like it was some kind of Stand Your Ground situation," adding, "What is wrong with you people?"

 

Ouija Board Among Items Taken from Mar-a-Lago

Whether the occult game belonged to the former president beforehand or if he acquired it while in office has yet to be determined, say investigators.

 

Migrants Lured to Martha's Vineyard with Promise of Scholarships to Trump University

"They told us there would also be Trump Steaks," said one disappointed Venezuelan.

 

"I Like Monarchs Who Aren't Dead"

Donald Trump responds to not being invited to Queen Elizabeth II's funeral.

 

"Could it Be a Special Mistress? A Hottie, Maybe?" Trump Lawyers Clarify What Their Client Wants From Documents Reviewer

"He says he'll pay extra," the former president's attorneys state in a court filing, "If that'll help."

 

 

Come for the Omelet Bar, Stay for the Top Secret Files!

“Mar-a-Lago was always meant to become the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library & Gift Shop at the Mar-a-Lago Hotel Casino Resort,” said a Trump spokesman, noting also that, “The president was just trying to save taxpayer money by taking all those classified papers to where they’d wind up eventually anyway.” 

 

Asked for hard evidence of such intentions, the spokesman replied, “When those deep state archivists sort through the latest round of boxes, they’ll find an undated document saying as much. And they’ll know it’s authentic because it was written with a Sharpie.”

 

Putin Offers to Exchange Brittney Griner for Classified Documents Taken from Mar-a-Lago

Back channel counter-offer to swap Griner for Donald Trump rejected by Russians, "We have too many corrupt oligarchs already." 

 

Colonel Sanders’ Original Fried Chicken Recipe Among Documents Seized at Mar-a-Lago

The identity and proportions of each of the 11 herbs and spices were confiscated by FBI agents from the former president's home in Florida. It is not clear whether the recipe had already been shared with or sold to a rival of KFC and if there was any plan to. 

 

DOJ Turns Down Geraldo Rivera's Offer to Open Mar-a-Lago Safe on Live TV

"Uh, no thanks, we got this," responds spokesperson for AG Merrick Garland.

 

 

"It Was Her Final Wish to Spend Eternity Next to Jimmy Hoffa"

Donald Trump explains burying his first wife, Ivana, at his Bedminster, New Jersey Golf Course.