Ant Farmer's Almanac

Matt Amodio’s Jeopardy Challengers Will No Longer Be Introduced, Bantered With or Identified by Name

“Talking to them is just a waste of time, really” says a Jeopardy producer, “They’re here for 25 minutes, they get steamrolled by Matt and we never see them again. We don’t want anyone to get too attached to them,” adding, “In hindsight, we probably should have used the same approach when auditioning new hosts.”

 

 

Clapton Demoted to Demigod

MT.  OLYMPUS (AFA NewsWire) In a statement following a unanimous vote by the Council of Deities, it was announced that Eric "Slowhand" Clapton, renowned British rock and roll guitarist, has been demoted from God to merely Demigod.

It is believed Clapton's controversial antivax stance -- including a recent song promoting it -- proved to be the final of many last straws against him here in the ethereal plane. 

"He's really turned out to be quite the dickhead, what with one thing after another," said Dionysus, "He used to be so much fun."

 

Study Suggests Need for Further Research

Researchers, however, insist findings indicate that no more study is called for. 

HAL 9000 Chosen to Replace Mike Richards as New Host of Jeopardy

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment Newswire) The disembodied voice and glowing red “eye” of computer HAL 9000, from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, has been tapped to replace Mike Richards as the new host of the popular quiz show, Jeopardy, after Richards’ hasty withdrawal following revelations of offensive remarks he'd made on a podcast. 

“HAL’s the only option, really,” say Jeopardy producers, who point out that, “He’s scandal-free, unless you count his killing the Discovery crew and trying to keep Keir Dullea out of the airlock,” adding, “But, let’s not forget how unfailingly polite he was the entire time.”

 

ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN KOZLOWSKI 

 

 

Dictionarium

non·u·men·tal

adjective

/ˌnänyəˈmen(t)l/

Way less impressive than expected, if not a complete disappointment: “Not really such a big deal”. 

 

 

Former New York Mayor and Former President's Lawyer Now Former Lawyer

New York Court Suspends Rudy Giuliani's Law License.

Despite "Cruella" Disappointing at the Box Office, Disney to Follow Up with Origin Story Movie About Goofy, Finally Explaining How He’s a Dog but Walks on Two Legs, Wears Clothes, Can Talk and Drive a Car

“At the very least," said a Disney story editor who spoke on condition of anonymity, "This should clear up troubling questions that have been raised about this beloved character's identity and motivations," adding, "I'm hoping we do Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio next, because, how did that happen? But, it isn’t really up to me. Whomever it is gets chosen the usual way, a blindfolded intern lobs a dart at a wall papered with pictures of Disney characters.”

 

NY Times Launches Investigation into Where All These Loathsome People Who Keep Showing up in NY Times Real Estate Articles Come From

“They usually travel in pairs or as the occasional throuple," says John P. Manley, who is leading the Times’ fact-finding probe, “We initially thought they might be figments of the Real Estate section editor's imagination but, no, they're all too real," Manley sighs wearily. "Our research shows that, despite some superficial differences, they all possess seemingly limitless financial resources, impeccable taste in decorators, boundless self-regard and an innate ability to infuriate anyone who reads about them.”

Manley also notes that, “For years, they migrated steadily from Manhattan to Brooklyn in search of Brownstones to renovate. Since the pandemic, however, they’ve headed up into the Hudson Valley in search of charming farmhouses, ideally in the $800k price range on a 2-plus acre lot with a stream running through it and close-but-not-too-close to a village that’s still authentic but also artsy in a shabby chic-funky sort of way, with at least one artisanal restaurant and grocery store,” adding, “How did they know dark blue cabinets and slate flooring would work in that kitchen? God, I hate them so.”

 

Amid Accusations of “Species Appropriation,” Fox's Animated Show “Housebroken” Shuts Down Production to Recast Voice Actors with Actual Animals Portrayed

In a related story, The Simpsons is rumored to be replacing Dan Castellaneta as the voice of Krusty the Clown with an authentically washed-up kid’s TV show host clown.

 

Dems Unveil January 6 Investigation Plan B: Train Major Biden to Sniff Out and Bite Anyone Bearing the Scent of Russian Rubles, Then Let Him Loose in Joint Session of Congress

GOP takes time out from objecting to insurrection commission to rush through “No Dogs Allowed in Capitol Building" legislation.

 

Resumption of Mail Delivery via Pony Express Among DeJoy’s Proposed Changes to USPS

“It’s slower, less efficient and way more costly, so it’s a natural fit with my overall strategy,” says embattled Postmaster General, “Besides, it was only used for about a year and I think it deserves a second chance.”

In response a postal union spokesman said, “I think he’s trying to make snail mail a real thing, with, like, actual snails.”

 

Cyber Ninjas Protest Calls to Cancel Arizona Recount, Claiming They’ve Found Bambú Papers Among Ballots After Venue Used for High School Graduations

“We now believe fake ballots may have been brought in from Haight-Ashbury,” said an audit spokesman, “We’re in the process of seeking subpeonas for Cheech and or Chong.”

 

Latest Entry in California Governor's Race, Tag, the Kodiak Bear, Enjoys 18-Point Lead Despite Dubious Claims “I Am Smarter Than The Average Bear" and “Hey, I'm Already on the State Flag”

Press and opponents call for investigation into allegations of Tag’s connection to recent thefts of “pic-a-nic baskets.” Salmon lobby promotes "Fur is Murderous!" protests at upcoming Rallies.

 

New Ennuija Board Game Responds to Every Question With “Meh”

In beta testing, it would occasionally spell out, “Like I Care”,  “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass?” and "Pffft!"

 

Arizona Recount Brings in Pandas to Detect Bamboo Ballots

“Each ballot cast for Biden is offered to a panda and, if the animal eats it, we know it was made from bamboo brought in from China and, therefor, a vote stolen from Trump,” said a Cyber Ninja spokesman, adding, “True, the bear will have eaten the hard evidence but, that's just more proof that only the uneaten ballots are legitimate.”  

Giuliani Calls FBI Raid on His Home and Office "A Blatant Attempt at Enforcing the Rule of Law"

"I haven't seen such reckless disregard for justice since the last time I did it," says Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor.

 

BBC Nature Series “Blue Balls Planet” Just David Attenborough Narrating 156 Hours of Leftover Wildlife Footage Showcasing Males of Every Species Unsuccessful Attempts at Mating

“Whether predator or prey, insect, amphibian, fish, fowl, mammal or anything in between,” Sir David sighs wistfully, “Some guys just can’t catch a fucking break.”

 

 

Dictionarium

mehta

meh•ta 

noun

A profound lack of enthusiasm about your own indifference.

 

Mom's Apple Pie Denounces Georgia's Restrictive Voting Laws, Stands with Coca-Cola and Baseball

Hot dogs, Chevrolet schedule press conferences to state positions.

 

Fearing Violation of Commerce Statutes, Georgia Legislature OK’s the Selling of Water to Voters Waiting in Line

Ban on giving it away remains in place.