Ant Farmer's Almanac

DOJ Turns Down Geraldo Rivera's Offer to Open Mar-a-Lago Safe on Live TV

"Uh, no thanks, we got this," responds spokesperson for AG Merrick Garland.

 

 

"It Was Her Final Wish to Spend Eternity Next to Jimmy Hoffa"

Donald Trump explains burying his first wife, Ivana, at his Bedminster, New Jersey Golf Course.

 

NY Times Editorial Board Agrees to Mention Susan Collins Again Only in the Event She’s Eaten by Lobsters

Board’s statement prompted by reaction (A "firestorm of eye-rolling", according to one witness) to the senator from Maine's recently printed Op-Ed in the Times, in which she expressed "concern" over getting bipartisan support for her proposed bill, co-sponsored with West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, meant to close loopholes in the Electoral College Count procedure.

"It's about even money," said one NY Times editor off the record, "That she'll change her mind at the last minute and vote against her own bill if Mitch McConnell frowns about it at any point during the process." 

 

Dictionarium

Carterize

 

car•ter•ize

Verb

/ˈkôrdurˌrīz/

Origin: The one-term U.S. President Jimmy Carter. 

Definition: To relentlessly blame and heap scorn upon someone for everything bad that is currently happening, regardless of that person's responsibility for or ability to control any of it; to designate a fall guy, political poison. 

"The president is now being carterized by members of his own party along with the press and the opposition from where it is to be expected."

 

 

 

“No Crying in Baseball” Overturned by Supreme Court

Court reverses another long established precedent. 

3 Card Monte Tables Outside Susan Collins’ Senate Office Report Record Profits

"On her way in, she loses a few bucks, and on her way out, she loses again," says dealer Jake (Just "Jake"), "I can't believe all the years I wasted doing this in Times Square." 

"And, Trust Us, We Know Evil"

At NRA convention, Wayne LaPierre, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump declare evil, not guns, to be the cause of mass shootings.

 

New Polling Shows U.S. Split Evenly Between "Nu-uh!" and "Oh, Yeah?"

A significant percentage of those questioned were too busy banging their heads against a wall to complete the survey.

Cisgender White Male Goes Nearly Entire Day Without Offending or Oppressing Minorities or the Marginalized

“I thought I was doing pretty well, there” said the unnamed individual whose preferred pronouns are presumably he/him/buddy/bub/sport/fella/boyo/guy/hey you/jack, “I guess I blew it when I ordered Mexican takeout and ended the call saying, ‘Gracias, Hon.’ I'm told I was employing the patriarchy to commit micro-aggression and cultural insensitivity,” adding,“I mean, jeez, I just wanted some guacamole, it’s not like I asked them to put pineapple on a pizza.”  

 

Susan Collins' Office Flooded with Calls Offering Extended Car Warranties

"Goodness!" exclaimed the Maine senator, "I had no idea I had so many cars!"

 

Other Things Marjorie Taylor Greene Can’t Remember

Who wrote the book of love

Whether or not it’s butter

Who’s on first

When to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em, when to walk away, when to run

Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong

Your or You’re

How many days hath September

Why this night is different than all other nights

Which Amendment to plead

Her oath of office

David Attenborough to Narrate BBC Coverage of US Midterm Elections

"It won't be for the faint of heart," warns famed naturalist.

 

Marjorie Taylor Greene Unable to Recall Being Elected to Congress

While being questioned under oath, the Georgia representative also couldn't remember what she had for dinner last night, where her car keys were or whether she has a "twin sister" who might run in her place her should she be disqualified.

 

"After So Many Years on Reality TV, I Wanted to Try Something Tightly Scripted"

Caitlyn Jenner explains her signing on as a contributor to Fox News.

 

Trump Claims Dog Ate All the Burner Phones He Doesn’t Know About Along With the Missing 8-Hours of January 6 White House Call Records

“People are saying it was Biden’s dog, the dead one, Champ, that ate the phones,” insists the former president, “All I know is that eating that many phones and that much paper couldn’t be good for a dog, so his death is really the owner's fault, and how and why he was in the White House while I was still president — not that I’m not now — needs to be thoroughly investigated. I’ve asked for Putin’s help but, I think if we get Hunter Biden in front of a grand jury, we’ll get some answers.” 

"Nobody Remembers Inviting Him."

GOP responds to Madison Cawthorn's statement about being asked to join in congressional sex parties.

Upcoming Personal Appearance!

Tucker Carlson Invited by Putin to Embed with Russian Troops in Ukraine

Text message from Russian President to Fox News Host adds, “Bring friends. Many, many friends. Also tanks.”

 

Next Sequel Ends with Jurassic Park Destroyed by Meteor

“It was either that,” say the series’ producers, “Or spin off into Planet of the Apes territory and have them gain the power of speech and face off against humanity, or aliens, or, I dunno, Godzilla and his whole roster of arch enemies. Maybe Batman. Clearly, we got nothing.”

 

 

My New Book is Out!

My latest book, Karen in Wonderland, is now available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble (.com). Illustrated by my lovely and talented wife, Deborah Berk.