Ant Farmer's Almanac

Meanwhile, Hard-Core Folkies Are Still Waiting for His Apology for Going Electric in 1965...

Bob Dylan apologizes for using an autopen device to 'hand-sign' copies of his new book, "A Philosophy of Modern Song," citing a "Bad case of vertigo".

In other news, "A Bad Case of Vertigo" will be the title of his next album.

New Poll Finds 85% of American Refrigerators Running

Of those contacted by phone, 12% said they were “Not Sure” and 3% declared themeselves “Undecided.” Also, the number of households with Prince Albert in a can is at an historic low.

 

Trump Won't Partake in Right to Remain Silent

Calls appointment of Special Prosecutor, "the worst politicization of justice in our country since I fired Jeff Sessions."

 

Dictionarium

Fascismo

fa·scis·mo  /fäˈCHēzmō/

noun

Loud or aggressive display of intimidation in service of a “Might Makes Right” style ideology and signaling the intent to dominate opposition by brute force or at least the threat thereof. Related to "machismo" but in this case presented as a show of support for or defense of an authoritarian figure or the behavior of said authoritarian figure himself and meant to incite his followers.

 

Elon Musk Insures Twitter for $44 Billion

In a move deemed, 'Not at all suspicious,' Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, has revealed that he's taken out an insurance policy for the full purchase price of the company.

"I just want to protect my investment," insists Musk, noting that the Double Indemnity Clause for fire is well warranted, "You know these absent-minded tech people, so careless with matches, Bunson burners and whatnot." 

Musk would neither confirm or deny the existence of an additional Triple Indemnity Clause for cases of "Stray SpaceX Rockets Landing Right on Top of the Place."

 

"Heads I Win, Tails You Lose" Now Official Campaign Strategy for All GOP Candidates

"We're in it to win it," states a recently leaked text sent to all Republican candidates running for office at every level, "Losing is not an option—even if you do—so if you want any of our sweet, sweet deep-pocket RNC campaign funding, you'll start declaring victory now. Today. Before the voting starts. Only losers admit to losing. Seriously, if you can't deny reality and lie to your constituents with a straight face before you're elected, how are you gonna manage when you're in office?" 

 

The Great British Boiling Show

"Contestants, in today’s challenge—as always—you’ve been given prime cuts of beef, lamb and pork, and a variety of canned vegetables. You must boil down each of them to remove all colour and flavour, then, create three dishes; Bangers and Mash, Shepherd’s Pie and Toad-in-the-Hole.

"The judges will then try to determine which meat is in which dish.

"Additionally, you must prepare a basket of fish and chips because, hey, we gotta eat.

"You have one hour."

 

"Earth Shot First!"

Asteroid Denounces Unprovoked Attack

Asteroid 65803 Didymos today responded harshly to Planet Earth's "Ruthless and deliberate attack" on its moonlet, Dimorphs, "Who never did anything to anybody, especially humans." 

"Even NASA's own triumphal statement about the assault admits that we pose no threat to Earth, yet they went and crashed a spaceship right into us! On purpose! And now they're bragging about it like it was some kind of Stand Your Ground situation," adding, "What is wrong with you people?"

 

Ouija Board Among Items Taken from Mar-a-Lago

Whether the occult game belonged to the former president beforehand or if he acquired it while in office has yet to be determined, say investigators.

 

Migrants Lured to Martha's Vineyard with Promise of Scholarships to Trump University

"They told us there would also be Trump Steaks," said one disappointed Venezuelan.

 

"I Like Monarchs Who Aren't Dead"

Donald Trump responds to not being invited to Queen Elizabeth II's funeral.

 

"Could it Be a Special Mistress? A Hottie, Maybe?" Trump Lawyers Clarify What Their Client Wants From Documents Reviewer

"He says he'll pay extra," the former president's attorneys state in a court filing, "If that'll help."

 

 

Come for the Omelet Bar, Stay for the Top Secret Files!

“Mar-a-Lago was always meant to become the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library & Gift Shop at the Mar-a-Lago Hotel Casino Resort,” said a Trump spokesman, noting also that, “The president was just trying to save taxpayer money by taking all those classified papers to where they’d wind up eventually anyway.” 

 

Asked for hard evidence of such intentions, the spokesman replied, “When those deep state archivists sort through the latest round of boxes, they’ll find an undated document saying as much. And they’ll know it’s authentic because it was written with a Sharpie.”

 

Putin Offers to Exchange Brittney Griner for Classified Documents Taken from Mar-a-Lago

Back channel counter-offer to swap Griner for Donald Trump rejected by Russians, "We have too many corrupt oligarchs already." 

 

Colonel Sanders’ Original Fried Chicken Recipe Among Documents Seized at Mar-a-Lago

The identity and proportions of each of the 11 herbs and spices were confiscated by FBI agents from the former president's home in Florida. It is not clear whether the recipe had already been shared with or sold to a rival of KFC and if there was any plan to. 

 

DOJ Turns Down Geraldo Rivera's Offer to Open Mar-a-Lago Safe on Live TV

"Uh, no thanks, we got this," responds spokesperson for AG Merrick Garland.

 

 

"It Was Her Final Wish to Spend Eternity Next to Jimmy Hoffa"

Donald Trump explains burying his first wife, Ivana, at his Bedminster, New Jersey Golf Course.

 

NY Times Editorial Board Agrees to Mention Susan Collins Again Only in the Event She’s Eaten by Lobsters

Board’s statement prompted by reaction (A "firestorm of eye-rolling", according to one witness) to the senator from Maine's recently printed Op-Ed in the Times, in which she expressed "concern" over getting bipartisan support for her proposed bill, co-sponsored with West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, meant to close loopholes in the Electoral College Count procedure.

"It's about even money," said one NY Times editor off the record, "That she'll change her mind at the last minute and vote against her own bill if Mitch McConnell frowns about it at any point during the process." 

 

Dictionarium

Carterize

 

car•ter•ize

Verb

/ˈkôrdurˌrīz/

Origin: The one-term U.S. President Jimmy Carter. 

Definition: To relentlessly blame and heap scorn upon someone for everything bad that is currently happening, regardless of that person's responsibility for or ability to control any of it; to designate a fall guy, political poison. 

"The president is now being carterized by members of his own party along with the press and the opposition from where it is to be expected."

 

 

 

“No Crying in Baseball” Overturned by Supreme Court

Court reverses another long established precedent.