Ant Farmer's Almanac

Mar-a-Lago Secedes from Florida & U.S., Declaring Itself Independent Principality Without Extradition Treaty with New York, Georgia

“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!”

At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.”

 

Martians Attack Our Town

A Mercurial Theater of Thin Air Production
Starring Orson Welles as The Stage Manager
(Recently discovered transcript of early rehearsal of an unproduced collaboration between Orson Welles and Thornton Wilder, suppressed for decades by Wilder estate)

STAGE MANAGER 

Enters stage right and stands near the wings. Wearing a bow tie, tweed jacket and corduroy trousers, he pulls a pipe from his pocket, puts it in his mouth, pulls a match from another pocket and begins to light the pipe. He suddenly stops and addresses someone offstage

Why am I lighting a pipe with nothing in it? Am I supposed to have a pipe already loaded with tobacco just sitting in my pocket? Who does that? What? I don’t actually light the pipe? Just start to then begin talking instead? Alright, that makes more sense but, wouldn’t it be better if I began filling the pipe before not lighting it? I mean. . . okay have it your way. Still, I’ve lost all credibility before I’ve even said a word, at least with anyone in the audience who’s ever smoked a pipe. . . I mean, there’s supsension of disbelief and there’s rank stupidity. . .

Turns from scowling offstage to address audience

Grover’s Corners. Nice Little town . . . 

Turns to offstage right again

Couldn’t it be a cigar? That would be better for me. . . No? Alright, alright, the script, yes, yes, yes, I heard you.

Addressing audience again

Grover’s Corners. Nice Little town, know what I mean? Over there’s the church, there’s the steeple, look inside, there’s all the . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

Of course I’ve read it. I glanced at it just before coming out here. Do you mind? Let me get on with it.

Addressing audience again

It’s a pleasant enough village, albeit unremarkable in every way, except for the large, fiery meteors falling from the sky over Main Street, landing on the town hall and post office as well as on the wrong side of the tracks where the Italians, Poles and Irish live, crushing the only decent bakery in town. . . oh, the cannoli!

There’s panic everywhere. The meteors aren’t meteors! They’re spaceships! A hatch is opening and a creature is emerging, a Martian! Ladies and gentlemen, words cannot begin to describe the scene before me . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

So, now I’m supposed to describe something I’ve just said is indescribable and do it without using words? With what, then? Shadow puppets? Mime? Also, do they have to be Martians? That’s such a cliche. Why not Venusians, Plutonians, Neptunites? They’re made up, they can be from whatever we like.

You’re damn right I’m lighting a cigar. . . Well, If they can be Martians this cigar can be a pipe. Can we move this along? I’ve got a frozen peas commercial to record in an hour. 

 

Remake of “Rip Van Winkle” in Which He Sleeps Through Trump Administration to be Titled “Lucky Bastard”

Renowned movie-beard growers Tom Hanks and George Clooney being considered for lead role.

 

Do You Want $3 of Your Federal Tax to Go Toward Paying for the Trump Children’s Secret Service Detail?

IRS Reviewing 11th-Hour Request to Amend Federal Election Commission’s Matching Campaign Fund Line on Tax Forms

 

 

Nation Eager to Return to Normal, Just as Soon as It Can Remember What That Is

Differing Definitions Threaten Further Division.

 

 

Biden Sworn in as Oldest President, Continuing Run of Historic Firsts After First Black President and First Mentally Ill President

Records set by three presidencies in a row.

 

 

Hey, We’re TRYING to do Worse but, We’re Also Trying to Move Out, Find New Jobs and Dodge Prosecution

White House Staffers Apologize for Latest Lame Excuse for Trump's Silence on the Capitol Hill Attack.

Metal Detectors Installed at White House Exits

Departing staff told to also expect TSA-style pat-downs and wand screenings.

 

Anti-Vaxxers Will be Locked Into the "It's a Small World" Ride Until They Agree to Get the Shot

Disneyland to be Vaccination Site.

 

Metal Detector? Oh, Sorry, We Thought You Said “Mental Detector”

Representatives Lauren Boebert, Louis Gohmert and about a dozen Republican members of Congress apologize for refusing to walk through the Capitol Building’s newly installed magnetometer.

 

Turns Out the Revolution WAS Televised But Got Canceled After Only One Episode

Reboot not entirely out of the question, say insiders.

 

Apple Revives eWorld Just Long Enough to Ban Trump From It

Apple's long-defunct subscription service eWorld, a relic of the early internet, flickered back to life briefly today in order to be declared retroactively off-limits to President Trump. The only people aware of the event at the time was a handful of startled vintage Mac collectors whose modems suddenly beeped, clicked and bonged for the first time this century, along with one Newton tablet that eerily displayed the message "Eggs Freckles."

 

 

Useful Idiot's Useful Idiots Attempt Useful Idiocy

Effort Somehow Not Entirely Successful.

 

"See, See! It's Just Like We've Been Saying!" GOP Cites Trump Call to Raffensperger as Validation of Election Fraud Claims

In other news, killer of own parents begs judge for mercy because he's an orphan. Also, water is wet.

House Hunters International: Moscow

^{Donald and Melania recently left government service in the U.S. and are relocating to the cosmopolitan Russian capital of Moscow. Local friend Vlad will show them some options in their price range.}

^{Option 1: Urban Sprawl
An apartment complex outside the city center}

^{VLAD
Here is first abode. Two rooms, half-bath in hallway. From roof with binoculors, you can almost see top of Kremlin.}

^{DONALD
What is this? The servants’ quarters? I’m not sure I even wanna know anyone who lives here.}

^{MELANIA
Reminds me of childhood home in Slovenia. Only more depressing with less goats and electricity.}

^{VLAD
Neighbors mostly heroes of Russian Republic. People who also served well cause of Russian greatness. Is artful deal; they save Russia, we give them place to live.}

^{Option 2: Country Cozy
A rustic getaway}

^{VLAD
This once dacha of important former Soviet apparatchik. Forget name. Died from mysterious sudden poison disease. Cozy, yes? Much wood. Roof. Outhouse is woods in any direction. Quiet neighbors.}

^{DONALD
What’s behind that chain-link fence? Looks like rusted army tanks.}

^{VLAD
De-commissioned military equipment storage yard, only visitors occasional scrap metal scavangers. Very quiet unless drunk.}

^{MELANIA
Is all gravel and dirt outside. Driveway is seven miles long. Plank flooring no good for wearing of heels.} 

^{VLAD
Bad for heels, da. Maybe you get knock-off Uggs. I know guy in Crimea who can arrange.}

^{DONALD
It looks like the custodian’s cabin at Camp David.}

^{VLAD
Is general idea, da. After so much fast lane, you crave simple life, no?}

^DONALD
No.

^{Option 3: Metroplexual
At the top of the heart of the city}

^{DONALD
This is more like it. Same building you live in, same penthouse floor…}

^{VLAD
Da, over here, your entrance.}

^{MELANIA
We enter through servant quarters?}

^{VLAD
Eh, da. Conveniently attaches to my larger suite.}

^{DONALD
This will be okay for when the Jared and Ivanka visit. Why is there a butler’s outfit on the bed?}

^{VLAD
We’ll have tailor fit it for you later. Melania, your French maid costume is over here. We had to guess at fishnet stocking size. Many feather dusters in closet.}

^{DONALD
Hey, we had a deal!}

^{VLAD
Da. I help you stay from jail. Sanctuary and shelter is bonus. You want I introduce you realtor for Pyongyang or maybe the Hague?}

^{MELANIA
I am calling divorce lawyer...}

 

Dictionarium

Occam's Raisinets [Ahk-umz ray-zuh-nets]

They're just raisins.

GOP Leadership Develops Impenetrable Resistance to Redemption by Visits from Christmas Ghosts

"If we give every Tom, Dick and Harry in America $2000, where will we get the money to keep prisons and workhouses in operation?" ask Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy, adding, "There are still workhouses, right?"

 

 

England to Drop Superfluous “U” from Words Such as “Colour,” “Flavour,” “Harbour,” “Humour,” “Labour,” “Rumour” and "Four" as Part of Post-Brexit Austerity Plan

The controversial move has caused an uproar among traditionalists, especially those who believed separating England from the European Union would keep them “more British.” Still, the news was greeted with cheers from the printing and sign painting industries, with one tipsy cockney touching up a pub window's logo, noting, “Well, for once they’ve done the working man a favour ‘aven’t they? Woops, I mean ‘favor’ now, don’t I?”

 

GOP Achieves Herd Immunity Against Facts

"This is an historic milestone," tweeted White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, "At this pace, we'll have overcome reality itself by the second quarter of 2021."

 

Despite Check Signed by Putin Covering Trump's $400 Million Debt with "For Services Rendered" on Memo Line, GOP Still Skeptical About Russian Influence

"Anybody with $400 million to burn could have signed Putin's name," says Lindsay Graham, unconvinced by leaked pictures and internal documents from Deutschebank confirming that the check cleared, adding, "George Soros or Hunter Biden, maybe. We should hold hearings to find out who's responsible."