Ant Farmer's Almanac

Despite "Cruella" Disappointing at the Box Office, Disney to Follow Up with Origin Story Movie About Goofy, Finally Explaining How He’s a Dog but Walks on Two Legs, Wears Clothes, Can Talk and Drive a Car

“At the very least," said a Disney story editor who spoke on condition of anonymity, "This should clear up troubling questions that have been raised about this beloved character's identity and motivations," adding, "I'm hoping we do Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio next, because, how did that happen? But, it isn’t really up to me. Whomever it is gets chosen the usual way, a blindfolded intern lobs a dart at a wall papered with pictures of Disney characters.”

 

NY Times Launches Investigation into Where All These Loathsome People Who Keep Showing up in NY Times Real Estate Articles Come From

“They usually travel in pairs or as the occasional throuple," says John P. Manley, who is leading the Times’ fact-finding probe, “We initially thought they might be figments of the Real Estate section editor's imagination but, no, they're all too real," Manley sighs wearily. "Our research shows that, despite some superficial differences, they all possess seemingly limitless financial resources, impeccable taste in decorators, boundless self-regard and an innate ability to infuriate anyone who reads about them.”

Manley also notes that, “For years, they migrated steadily from Manhattan to Brooklyn in search of Brownstones to renovate. Since the pandemic, however, they’ve headed up into the Hudson Valley in search of charming farmhouses, ideally in the $800k price range on a 2-plus acre lot with a stream running through it and close-but-not-too-close to a village that’s still authentic but also artsy in a shabby chic-funky sort of way, with at least one artisanal restaurant and grocery store,” adding, “How did they know dark blue cabinets and slate flooring would work in that kitchen? God, I hate them so.”

 

Amid Accusations of “Species Appropriation,” Fox's Animated Show “Housebroken” Shuts Down Production to Recast Voice Actors with Actual Animals Portrayed

In a related story, The Simpsons is rumored to be replacing Dan Castellaneta as the voice of Krusty the Clown with an authentically washed-up kid’s TV show host clown.

 

Dems Unveil January 6 Investigation Plan B: Train Major Biden to Sniff Out and Bite Anyone Bearing the Scent of Russian Rubles, Then Let Him Loose in Joint Session of Congress

GOP takes time out from objecting to insurrection commission to rush through “No Dogs Allowed in Capitol Building" legislation.

 

Resumption of Mail Delivery via Pony Express Among DeJoy’s Proposed Changes to USPS

“It’s slower, less efficient and way more costly, so it’s a natural fit with my overall strategy,” says embattled Postmaster General, “Besides, it was only used for about a year and I think it deserves a second chance.”

In response a postal union spokesman said, “I think he’s trying to make snail mail a real thing, with, like, actual snails.”

 

Cyber Ninjas Protest Calls to Cancel Arizona Recount, Claiming They’ve Found Bambú Papers Among Ballots After Venue Used for High School Graduations

“We now believe fake ballots may have been brought in from Haight-Ashbury,” said an audit spokesman, “We’re in the process of seeking subpeonas for Cheech and or Chong.”

 

Latest Entry in California Governor's Race, Tag, the Kodiak Bear, Enjoys 18-Point Lead Despite Dubious Claims “I Am Smarter Than The Average Bear" and “Hey, I'm Already on the State Flag”

Press and opponents call for investigation into allegations of Tag’s connection to recent thefts of “pic-a-nic baskets.” Salmon lobby promotes "Fur is Murderous!" protests at upcoming Rallies.

 

New Ennuija Board Game Responds to Every Question With “Meh”

In beta testing, it would occasionally spell out, “Like I Care”,  “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass?” and "Pffft!"

 

Arizona Recount Brings in Pandas to Detect Bamboo Ballots

“Each ballot cast for Biden is offered to a panda and, if the animal eats it, we know it was made from bamboo brought in from China and, therefor, a vote stolen from Trump,” said a Cyber Ninja spokesman, adding, “True, the bear will have eaten the hard evidence but, that's just more proof that only the uneaten ballots are legitimate.”  

Giuliani Calls FBI Raid on His Home and Office "A Blatant Attempt at Enforcing the Rule of Law"

"I haven't seen such reckless disregard for justice since the last time I did it," says Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor.

 

BBC Nature Series “Blue Balls Planet” Just David Attenborough Narrating 156 Hours of Leftover Wildlife Footage Showcasing Males of Every Species Unsuccessful Attempts at Mating

“Whether predator or prey, insect, amphibian, fish, fowl, mammal or anything in between,” Sir David sighs wistfully, “Some guys just can’t catch a fucking break.”

 

 

Dictionarium

mehta

meh•ta 

noun

A profound lack of enthusiasm about your own indifference.

 

Mom's Apple Pie Denounces Georgia's Restrictive Voting Laws, Stands with Coca-Cola and Baseball

Hot dogs, Chevrolet schedule press conferences to state positions.

 

Fearing Violation of Commerce Statutes, Georgia Legislature OK’s the Selling of Water to Voters Waiting in Line

Ban on giving it away remains in place.

 

Office of VP Harris Denies Rumor She Requested Major Biden Accompany Her to Senate for Tie-Breaking Votes

First dog’s only official duty for now is attending Oval Office Meetings with GOP Leadership; will spend most time in Delaware to avoid appearance of being "Beltway Insider".

 

Mar-a-Lago Secedes from Florida & U.S., Declaring Itself Independent Principality Without Extradition Treaty with New York, Georgia

“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!”

At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.”

 

Martians Attack Our Town

A Mercurial Theater of Thin Air Production
Starring Orson Welles as The Stage Manager
(Transcription of recently discovered audiotape of a rehearsal for an unproduced collaboration between Orson Welles and Thornton Wilder, suppressed for decades by the Wilder estate)

STAGE MANAGER (Welles)

Enters stage right and stands near the wings. Wearing a bow tie, tweed jacket and corduroy trousers, he pulls a pipe from his pocket, puts it in his mouth, pulls a match from another pocket and begins to light the pipe. He suddenly stops and addresses someone offstage

Why am I lighting a pipe with nothing in it? Am I supposed to have a pipe already full of tobacco just sitting in my pocket? Who does that? What? I don’t actually light the pipe? Just start to then begin talking instead? Alright, that makes more sense but, wouldn’t it be better if I began filling the pipe before not lighting it? I mean. . . okay have it your way. Still, I’ve lost all credibility before I’ve even said a word, at least with anyone in the audience who’s ever smoked a pipe. . . I mean, there’s supsension of disbelief and there’s rank stupidity. . .

Turns from scowling offstage to address audience

Grover’s Corners. Nice Little town . . . 

Turns to offstage right again

Couldn’t it be a cigar? That would be better for me. . . No? Alright, alright, the script, yes, yes, yes, I heard you.

Addressing audience again

Grover’s Corners. Nice Little town, know what I mean? Over there’s the church, there’s the steeple, look inside, there’s all the . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

What? Of course I’ve read it. I glanced at it just before coming out here. Do you mind? Let me get on with it.

Addressing audience again

It’s a pleasant enough village, albeit unremarkable in every way, except for the large, fiery meteors falling from the sky over Main Street, landing on the town hall and post office as well as over on the wrong side of the tracks where the Italians, Poles and Irish live, crushing the only decent bakery in town. . . oh, the cannoli!

There’s panic everywhere. The meteors aren’t meteors! They’re spaceships! A hatch is opening and a creature is emerging, a Martian! Ladies and gentlemen, words cannot begin to describe the scene before me . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

So, now I’m supposed to describe something I’ve just said is indescribable and do it without using words? With what, then? Shadow puppets? Mime? Also, do they have to be Martians? That’s such a cliche. Why not Venusians, Plutonians, Neptunites? They’re made up, they can be from whatever we like.

You’re damn right I’m lighting a cigar. . . Well, If they can be Martians this cigar can be a pipe. Can we move this along? I’ve got a frozen peas commercial to record in an hour. 

 

Remake of “Rip Van Winkle” in Which He Sleeps Through Trump Administration to be Titled “Lucky Bastard”

Renowned movie-beard growers Tom Hanks and George Clooney being considered for lead role.

 

Do You Want $3 of Your Federal Tax to Go Toward Paying for the Trump Children’s Secret Service Detail?

IRS Reviewing 11th-Hour Request to Amend Federal Election Commission’s Matching Campaign Fund Line on Tax Forms

 

 

Nation Eager to Return to Normal, Just as Soon as It Can Remember What That Is

Differing Definitions Threaten Further Division.