Ant Farmer's Almanac

"Earth Shot First!"

Asteroid Denounces Unprovoked Attack

Asteroid 65803 Didymos today responded harshly to Planet Earth's "Ruthless and deliberate attack" on its moonlet, Dimorphs, "Who never did anything to anybody, especially humans." 

"Even NASA's own triumphal statement about the assault admits that we pose no threat to Earth, yet they went and crashed a spaceship right into us! On purpose! And now they're bragging about it like it was some kind of Stand Your Ground situation," adding, "What is wrong with you people?"

 

Ouija Board Among Items Taken from Mar-a-Lago

Whether the occult game belonged to the former president beforehand or if he acquired it while in office has yet to be determined, say investigators.

 

Migrants Lured to Martha's Vineyard with Promise of Scholarships to Trump University

"They told us there would also be Trump Steaks," said one disappointed Venezuelan.

 

"I Like Monarchs Who Aren't Dead"

Donald Trump responds to not being invited to Queen Elizabeth II's funeral.

 

"Could it Be a Special Mistress? A Hottie, Maybe?" Trump Lawyers Clarify What Their Client Wants From Documents Reviewer

"He says he'll pay extra," the former president's attorneys state in a court filing, "If that'll help."

 

 

Come for the Omelet Bar, Stay for the Top Secret Files!

“Mar-a-Lago was always meant to become the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library & Gift Shop at the Mar-a-Lago Hotel Casino Resort,” said a Trump spokesman, noting also that, “The president was just trying to save taxpayer money by taking all those classified papers to where they’d wind up eventually anyway.” 

 

Asked for hard evidence of such intentions, the spokesman replied, “When those deep state archivists sort through the latest round of boxes, they’ll find an undated document saying as much. And they’ll know it’s authentic because it was written with a Sharpie.”

 

Putin Offers to Exchange Brittney Griner for Classified Documents Taken from Mar-a-Lago

Back channel counter-offer to swap Griner for Donald Trump rejected by Russians, "We have too many corrupt oligarchs already." 

 

Colonel Sanders’ Original Fried Chicken Recipe Among Documents Seized at Mar-a-Lago

The identity and proportions of each of the 11 herbs and spices were confiscated by FBI agents from the former president's home in Florida. It is not clear whether the recipe had already been shared with or sold to a rival of KFC and if there was any plan to. 

 

DOJ Turns Down Geraldo Rivera's Offer to Open Mar-a-Lago Safe on Live TV

"Uh, no thanks, we got this," responds spokesperson for AG Merrick Garland.

 

 

"It Was Her Final Wish to Spend Eternity Next to Jimmy Hoffa"

Donald Trump explains burying his first wife, Ivana, at his Bedminster, New Jersey Golf Course.

 

NY Times Editorial Board Agrees to Mention Susan Collins Again Only in the Event She’s Eaten by Lobsters

Board’s statement prompted by reaction (A "firestorm of eye-rolling", according to one witness) to the senator from Maine's recently printed Op-Ed in the Times, in which she expressed "concern" over getting bipartisan support for her proposed bill, co-sponsored with West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, meant to close loopholes in the Electoral College Count procedure.

"It's about even money," said one NY Times editor off the record, "That she'll change her mind at the last minute and vote against her own bill if Mitch McConnell frowns about it at any point during the process." 

 

Dictionarium

Carterize

 

car•ter•ize

Verb

/ˈkôrdurˌrīz/

Origin: The one-term U.S. President Jimmy Carter. 

Definition: To relentlessly blame and heap scorn upon someone for everything bad that is currently happening, regardless of that person's responsibility for or ability to control any of it; to designate a fall guy, political poison. 

"The president is now being carterized by members of his own party along with the press and the opposition from where it is to be expected."

 

 

 

“No Crying in Baseball” Overturned by Supreme Court

Court reverses another long established precedent. 

3 Card Monte Tables Outside Susan Collins’ Senate Office Report Record Profits

"On her way in, she loses a few bucks, and on her way out, she loses again," says dealer Jake (Just "Jake"), "I can't believe all the years I wasted doing this in Times Square." 

"And, Trust Us, We Know Evil"

At NRA convention, Wayne LaPierre, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump declare evil, not guns, to be the cause of mass shootings.

 

New Polling Shows U.S. Split Evenly Between "Nu-uh!" and "Oh, Yeah?"

A significant percentage of those questioned were too busy banging their heads against a wall to complete the survey.

Cisgender White Male Goes Nearly Entire Day Without Offending or Oppressing Minorities or the Marginalized

“I thought I was doing pretty well, there” said the unnamed individual whose preferred pronouns are presumably he/him/buddy/bub/sport/fella/boyo/guy/hey you/jack, “I guess I blew it when I ordered Mexican takeout and ended the call saying, ‘Gracias, Hon.’ I'm told I was employing the patriarchy to commit micro-aggression and cultural insensitivity,” adding,“I mean, jeez, I just wanted some guacamole, it’s not like I asked them to put pineapple on a pizza.”  

 

Susan Collins' Office Flooded with Calls Offering Extended Car Warranties

"Goodness!" exclaimed the Maine senator, "I had no idea I had so many cars!"

 

Other Things Marjorie Taylor Greene Can’t Remember

Who wrote the book of love

Whether or not it’s butter

Who’s on first

When to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em, when to walk away, when to run

Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong

Your or You’re

How many days hath September

Why this night is different than all other nights

Which Amendment to plead

Her oath of office

David Attenborough to Narrate BBC Coverage of US Midterm Elections

"It won't be for the faint of heart," warns famed naturalist.