Ant Farmer's Almanac

My New Book is Out!

That's right, friends and neighbors, I've done it again. I've written another book. See, this ad copy below proves it. Along with the links to buy it on Amazon, Kindle or Barnes & Noble.

Have you ever noticed an unfamiliar word or expression suddenly popping up everywhere and wondered 'What's that supposed to mean?' Or, encountered something so new and weird there was no word to describe it? If so, The Bedeviled Dictionary is for you!

This crypto-lexicon of wicked word play offers hilariously on-the-nose definitions of trendy words already in circulation and hundreds of newly coined buzzword wannabes that you'll cackle over as they devilishly satirize post-modern pop culture and the way we speak.

It's also copiously illustrated by my friend and co-author, Martin Kozlowski.

Buy your copy (or three) today on Amazon, for your Kindle or from Barnes & Noble.

 

J.D. Vance Eager to Meet His Associates and Get to Work Ranking Car Values

Trump to Take Oath of Office on Five Foot-Tall Stack of His Own Bibles to be Sold on eBay

The stack of 30 2"-thick American Patriot's Bible®, on which Trump will be sworn in as the 47th President of the United States, will be signed by him and offered for sale on eBay to the highest bidders, with a reserve price of $999.95. But wait -- An additional 1,000 copies of the APB® that are "guaranteed" to have been in or near the Capitol Rotunda during the ceremony, will also go on sale, albeit unsigned and at a reserve price of $499.95. 

 

 

Fearing Crowd Size Shrinkage, Trump Moves Inauguration Indoors

"This last happened in 1985, for Ronald Regan's second inaugural," explains a Trump transition team spokesman. Asked if the move reflects any worries about William Henry Harrison's having caught pneumonia at his frigid 1841 swearing-in and dying a month later, the spokesman replied, "Oh, you don't really think Mr. Trump even knows about that, do you?"

 

Gravitas No Longer a Thing, Say Experts

"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something."

 

"It's Dead, Jim" to Replace "Democracy Dies in Darkness" as Washington Post Slogan

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." 

 

At Confirmation Hearings, Hegseth Vows to Rename All US Military Bases for Confederate Heroes, Make all Branches' Dress Uniforms Gray

"Gray was a good enough color for those who patriotically rebelled against this country then and it's good enough for those who defend it now," says potential Secretary of the Department of Defense.

 

"That They Never Got a Chance to Break Stuff in the Capitol Building or Shit on Nancy Pelosi's Desk Should be Punishment Enough"

Incoming Vice President J.D. Vance says only convicted January 6th participants who "Didn't commit violent acts," should be pardoned by president Donald Trump.

 

Trump Organization Pledges to Look Up Definition of "Ethics"

"We meant to do this at the beginning of the first Trump administration, as it was all new to us and were unsure how it fit in with our business model," said a company spokesman, on condition of anonymity, "But then we got all bogged down with the investigations, indictments, conflicts of interest, laundering hush money payoffs, lawsuits, cover-ups, hiring lawyers, not paying them, hiring new lawyers, filing paperwork to delay court appearances and all," adding, "Mind you, this is only regarding the businesses Trump has interests in, not anything about his behavior as president."

 

"Wait, What? Facebook Had Fact-Checking?!?" Most Common Reaction to Zuckerberg's Announcement that Meta Will No Longer Be Verifying Truthfulness of Posts

"How were we supposed to know that?" say many Facebook and Instagram users, expressing surprise that such a job even existed. "They must be kind of relieved that it's all over," said one respondent, expressing sympathy for those whose job it (allegedly) was to sift through every post on Facebook and Instagram for factual accuracy and verifiable sourcing, "It's like the proverbial worker in the BMW factory who installs the turn signals. Oh, the futility!"

 

The 100 Monkeys from Discontinued Typing Shakespeare Experiment Reassigned to Write Trump’s Inauguration Speech and Social Media Posts

At a press conference announcing the end of their decades-long experiment to test whether 100 primates given 100 typewriters could recreate the works of William Shakespeare, Underhill Institute spokesman Reese McKee said, "After concluding that this outcome was too remote to warrant further study, we decided to lower the bar and contract out the test subjects for use by the incoming presidential administration," he continued, "The smarter dozen-or-so who've mastered the QWERTY keyboard will be working on the inauguration speech," McKee said, proudly, "The rest, many of whom never got past the 'flinging their own feces at each other phase' will staff the White House press office and oversee social media postings."

 

Musk Offers Every Undocumented Immigrant Currently in America Free Ride Back to Their Country of Origin in Self-Driving Tesla

“Sure, it won’t be cheap,” admits the multi-billionaire, “But, it’s still way less than I spent buying the presidency.”

 

“They’re Angels!" Final Drone Theory Takes Christmas-Themed Turn

"It's not as outrageous an idea as it might sound at first," says Syd Hartha, head of the Theology Department at the Underhill Institute, "Angels aren't just ghosts with wings. Biblical descriptions of angels of the lord manifesting themselves to humans include swirling balls of light, beings with four faces, a head of many eyes and a burning bush, so, some drones? Not really so far off brand."

 

Amazon and Starbucks' Strikes Panics Consumers Now Unable to Go Out for Coffee or Order Online What's Needed to Make it At Home

"I knew I should have bought that stovetop espresso machine on Amazon Prime Day!" says Derek O'Hanlan of Cupertino, California, choking back a sob, "In this day and age, I never imagined such a calamity. If only there were a place I could get hot coffee and some kind of pastry to dunk in it."

 

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Drone! Drones Sighted Over New Jersey are Most Likely Drones, Say Experts

Residents of Grovers Mill insist, "We're not going to worry until they start vaporizing people," adding, "Sometimes a drone is just a drone."

 

Dictionarium

Hypesteria

Media overreaction to public overreaction to event experienced by many but understood by few, resulting in breathless reports containing little-to-no actual information, dubious eyewitness accounts, officials making pronouncements even dumber than usual and, ultimately, the disproportionate news coverage of public anxiety overshadowing the event itself and often the only thing about it anyone remembers.

Ex: Drones over New Jersey; any shark siting since 1975, Orson Welles' "War of the World's" broadcast, the sinking of the Maine in Havana.

 

"Jeez, What Did We Ever Do to You?!" Greece Reacts to Kimberly Guilfoyle's Appointment as US Ambassador

"What, was Nia Vardalos unavailable?"

Patient Charged for Cost of Instrument Left in Abdomen After Surgery

"It's cheaper than going in again to get it out," explained a spokesman for health care provider Underhill Insurance, regarding the item — a forcep featuring fenestrated jaws, a flat handle with spring action, about 5.25" in length and a satin finish — valued between $75 and $225, depending upon whether it's made from stainless steel or titanium.

"There aren't any really sharp edges so it's probably not going to puncture anything important and," the spokesman continued, "Given this patient's age and medical history, some surgeon is gonna be in there again pretty soon for one thing or another," adding, "In the meantime, we're not signing off on any MRI's for this guy and, this time, it really is in the best interest of the patient."

The company offered no statement indicating whether, when retrieved, the forcep would remain the patient's property, a "Souvenir", according to Underhill, or if its ownership would revert to the medical facility and the charge for it reimbursed.

 

"They're Not Sending Their Best, They're Sending Criminals" Say Countries About Trump's Ambassadorial Nominees

In other news: Hunter Biden's pardon now qualifies him for a job in the new administration's Diplomatic Corps.

Trump Vows to Ban Taco Tuesdays on Day One

Stating that, "Closing the southern border is only the beginning," the president-elect forcefully insisted, "We must also eradicate all the pernicious influences of the brazen immigrants among us, even -- especially -- those who've been here for generations and established a beachhead on the American Dream," adding, "All things taco, be they Bell, Del, truck or Tuesday, they'd better make a run for the border, pronto!"

Asked about nachos, Mr. Trump responded, "No, Texas stole those fair and square; they're American now."

 

Matt Gaetz Applies for Trump's Old Job at McDonald's

The newly unemployed former Florida congressman says his long experience with teenagers would be a plus for any fast-food franchise.