Ant Farmer's Almanac

The Passion of the Crustacean

Just Resurrect and Serve! 

A Massachusetts company says its freezing technique allows some lobsters to come back to life when thawed. 

Pursuit of Happy Hour

SALEM, OR (Ant Farmers Almanac Newswire) — Inspired by Benton County's halting all marriages, gay or straight, until the state of Oregon decides who can and can't marry, the state's Liquor Control Commission has ordered the immediate end of "Happy Hour" until someone can define exactly what "happiness" is. 

"We see the wisdom of what the authorities in Benton County have done," said Joseph P. Manley, the liquor commission's associate director, "And we believe that this same approach can be applied to other perplexing questions. I mean, really, what is happiness, anyway?" asked Manley in a plaintive voice. "Things that make some people happy don't make other people happy," he continued, "Lots of stuff I like to do — stuff that makes me very happy — doesn't make my wife happy at all, and then stuff that she loves to do I just can't stand. It's so confusing," said Manley, shaking his head forlornly, "Why can't anyone just tell us once and for all?" 

In addition to its own investigation into the nature of what constitutes happiness, the Liquor Commission has recommended that the department of weights and measures look into why the "Hour" designated for happiness is 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. in some bars, 3:30 p.m. to 6:45 p.m. in others but 4 p.m. to 8 p.m. at this one place in Portland. 

Shake, Rattle and Roll Your R's

Author traces Elvis Presley's ancestors to Scottish village of Lonmay. 

Remembering the Maine Chance

From: The Office of Representative Walter Jones, R-North Carolina 

To: Bob Ney, R-Ohio, Chairman of the Committee on House Administration 

CC: Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, R, Illinois; Majority Leader,Tom DeLay, R-Texas; Majority Whip, Roy Blunt, R-Missouri 

BCC: White House Office of Political Strategy, Karl Rove 

 

RE: Retribution for Spain's recent treachery 

Bobbo, 

As per our conversation this morning, I'm forwarding suggestions for the renaming ("rebranding" as one of my interns put it) of any and all items with the word "Spanish" in them for inclusion in whatever legislation we cook up in retaliation for Spain's withdrawal from the coalition. This won't be a cakewalk like with the French. Spaniards aren't so snotty or insufferable as the French (who could be?), and it'd be hard to top the success of your "Freedom Fries" for verbal snap, but, hey, we can't look this gift caballo in the mouth (ha, ha). I'm told that there is some historical precedent for Spain stabbing America in the back. I'll look into it and let you know if we can use it somehow. 

It's been over a year now (time sure flies, doesn't it?) since we stuck it to the French, and Americans need a fresh reminder that Europe (except England, which isn't really even in Europe if you look at a map, for chrissakes) isn't to be trusted or even, whenever possible, referred to by name. There isn't a damn thing from Spain that we can't make or do 1000% better right here in the U.S of A. Don't get me wrong, I like sangria and tacos as much as the next guy, but we've got to draw a line in the sand. Again. 

I agree, too, that we need to cast our net wider and not restrict ourselves to just renaming things from the menu in the House of Representatives cafeteria like last time. Let's think big, Bob! 

Anyway, we tossed around several possible replacement words for "Spanish", including "Loyalty", "Coalition" and "Patriot" but "Steadfast" was our choice for, my staff tells me, it's subtlety, irony and alliteration. 

Here's a few to start the ball rolling: 

Steadfast Omelette
Steadfast Influenza 

Steadfast Moss 

Steadfast Fly 

Lady of Steadfastness 

(the) Steadfast Inquistion 

(the) Steadfast Civil War 

(the) Steadfast-American War 

(the) Steadfast Armada 

(the) Steadfast Prisoner (I admit that I don't get this last one, myself, but my staffers assure me it's essential) 

In addition to the items above, "tapas" will be renamed "hors d'ouevres, and the insult "Spic" will become "Stead" or maybe "Steader". I would have liked to have a few more, but when I asked my staff why the list was so short, they all got real quiet. I guess they were just tuckered out from all that reading. I know I would be. 

Let me know what you think. I'd like to have this ready to go early next week if possible. We gotta strike while this iron is still hot, hot, hot! 

Regards, Walt 

ps: I know I should cc the Dems about this, but really, would you want to miss the looks on their faces when we introduce this on the House floor? Me, neither. 

¡Oh, la Humanidad!

It's the return of Menudo! '80s Latin boy band holding auditions. 

Re-Branding R Us

New Names for (Soon-to-be-Formerly) Martha Stewart's Publications 

Big House, Inc. 

Unindicted Underlings 

Martha Stewart's Appealing 

We Never Liked Her 

The Williams-Sonoma Catalog 

Dennis Kucinich's Living 

Tastefulness Up the Wazoo 

Stylish Living Without that Diva Bitch Lording it Over You 

Martha Who? 

Bankrupt 

NASA Finds Bottled Water on Mars

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA Science Newswire) — Just hours after the stunning announcement of its discovery of water on Mars, NASA issued a statement indicating that further evidence indicates that it was almost certainly bottled water. 

"We're still processing information coming in from the Mars rover, so we don't have all the answers," said Dr. Joseph P. Manley, during a phone interview from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, "For instance, we don't yet know whether the water was sparkling or just, you know, regular." 

"At the very least, we now know there was enough water on Mars to support life, although not necessarily life as we know it, such that early Martians may have water-skied or held wet t-shirt contests." 

Dr. Manley, would not, however, confirm or deny that the bottled water found was spring water or just tap water run through a filter and cleverly marketed, saying only that "Since it was bottled water, whatever life there once was on Mars, while clearly intelligent, was also very gullible." 

 

 

Help Wanted

Gay Divorce Lawyers Needed

Est SF law firm seeks attys for forthcoming wave of gay divorces. Growth oppty. Big time. Successful candidate will have exp with divorce, comm prpty, state v city law. Palimony litigation, arbitration, contract law exp helpful. Grt oppty for aggressive go-getter with eye for high-profile, precedent-setting case law. Political aspirants OK. Conv location w/Bay view, grt benefits pkg, 401k, free prkg. Salary commensurate with exp; plus % of settlements. Fast-track to partner. Also need staff for franchise offices in Boston, MA and New Paltz, NY. Fax resume to Howe, Dewey, Duitt & Partners (415) 555-5555. 

Hard Act to Follow

Novelization, Spinoffs Planned for Gibson's "Passion" 

HOLLYWOOD California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Stephen King, Thomas Harris and Anne Rice are under consideration for the job of penning the novelization of Mel Gibson's hit movie The Passion of the Christ.

Gibson's production company, Newmarket Films, has asked the three world-famous authors, each renowned for their vivid descriptions of bloodletting, gore, violence and the brutal torture of both body and soul, to submit a sample chapter and an outline for the book. 

"With a celebrity name like Mel Gibson's attached to it, we expect this book to do quite well," said a spokesman for Newmarket, "It's a great story. It's got everything: action, suspense, suffering, betrayal, bad guys, good guys, one very good guy and an inspiring, uplifting ending. Real mass appeal stuff," he enthused, "We're talking worldwide bestseller, here. This could be the Bible of novelizations. " 

Newmarket also announced today its deal with HBO to produce a mini-series spinoff of The Passion that will chronicle the post-Christ lives — but especially the gruesome, martyred deaths — of the apostles. Tentatively titled A.D. The Lives of the Saints, the series will focus on one apostle per episode with each installment filmed by a different director. Quentin Tarentino, John Carpenter, Wes Craven and Brian De Palma are said to have signed on to the project.