Ant Farmer's Almanac

Eleventh-Hour Surge in Mudslinging

It's 527. Do You Know Where Your Campaign Is? 

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) On Saturday, Vice President Cheney told an assembled crowd that, if elected, John Kerry would "Return the Louisiana Purchase to France," adding, "But no Texan will have to trade in his Stetson for a beret; not on my watch, not without a fight!" When pressed for the source of this extraordinary claim, Cheney's staffers hastily presented as evidence xerox copies of numerous Kerry speeches in which the words "France", "Louisiana", "Return", and "Purchase" were highlighted with yellow magic marker. Although the four words were never used together in the same speech and are scattered throughout four separate documents, Cheney's spokesman stood firm stating flatly, that, "It's right here in black and white! In his own words! What more proof do you people need, anyway?" 

Elsewhere, the pro-Bush 527 group "Veterinarians for Truth" resurfaced. Formed last summer to refute claims that John Kerry had acted heroically in saving the life of his daughters' hamster, their new ad charges that on several occasions Kerry had surreptitiously replaced a dead pet goldfish with a lookalike, hoping that his children wouldn't notice the difference. The ad goes on to imply that Kerry was responsible for the fishes' deaths because he "flip-flopped about how often to change the aquarium water." 

In belated response to the growing controversy about the bulge in the back of President Bush's jacket during the debate, White House spokesman Andrew Card blamed acid reflux, saying that not only was it the cause of Bush's poor performance that night but a box of Prevacid misplaced by a junior campaign aide had created the mysterious bulge. 

From Russia With. . . Well, From Russia

Slogans for Kalishnakov Vodka, a new product from the man who invented the AK-47:

Rapid-Fire Refreshment! 

Ricochets with Taste! 

Take Aim at Flavor! 

Its Aim is True! (the inevitable lawsuit from by Elvis Costello will be invaluable for the free publicity) 

It Takes a Tough Man to Make a Tender Vodka 

Lock and Load! 

Bad to the Bone! 

Absolut is for Sissies 

Blows Away the Others 

Duck! 

Shakespeare Rattle & Roll

Mixing Up Some Classics

Little Richard III 

by William Shakespeare & Richard Penniman (aka Little Richard) 

ACT ONE: SCENE II 

LADY ANNE 

Villain, thou know'st no law of God nor man: 

No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo, 

Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo, 

Now I dig her style, she's like a drive me wild with 

Bama lama, bama loo. 

LADY ANNE 

O wonderful, when devils tell the truth! 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

Tutti frutti, oh rutti, 

Tutti frutti, oh rutti, 

Wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom! 

LADY ANNE 

Fouler than heart can think thee, thou canst make 

No excuse current, but to hang thyself. 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

I asked my baby for kiss, she shook her head like this, 

I asked my little girl for kiss, she shook her head around like this, 

LADY ANNE 

I hope so. 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

She rocks to the East, she rocks to the West, 

She is the gal that I love best, 

LADY ANNE 

Would it were mortal poison, for thy sake! 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

If I can't find my baby, then you know darn well, 

I'm gonna ring your door till I break your bell. 

LADY ANNE 

'Tis more than you deserve; 

But since you teach me how to flatter you, 

Imagine I have said farewell already. 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 

Exeunt 

In All of the Baby Pictures, She's Laughing and Pointing at the Kid's Crotch

Lindsay England, soldier in Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal gives birth to a son. 

Top 10 Things Transmitted to President Bush During the Second Debate

(with entirely insincere apologies to David Letterman) 

1) The Game 

2) Theme from Rocky 

3) The O'Franken Factor 

4) Tea for the Tillerman 

5) Audio Version of Saddam Hussein's Latest Romance Novel 

   (Narrated by James Earl Jones) 

6) Dunno, but it sure is catchy 

7) Dick Cheney's Feral Noises from Backstage 

8) Brian Wilson's Smile 

9) Dr. Laura's Call Screener's "Hold" Music 

10) Static 

The In-Box

[This was written and posted long before we had either a comments section or dedicated email address. I'm just sayin'.]

 

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac, 

Since you don't have an email address, how is it you have letters from readers? I don't understand. 

—Puzzled 

Dear Puzzled, 

Good point. But, answer us this: how is it we have a letter from you? 

—Ed. 

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac, 

In the face of a likely BuschCo. recoronation, I admire your willingness to risk IRS audits and God-knows what other retribution from this vengeful administration. Hat's off to your damn-the-torpedos bravado! 

—Admiring from a safe distance 

Dear Safe Distance, 

We have never once sworn at torpedos. IRS? 

—Ed. 

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac, 

How can I add zest to my tuna salad? 

—Zestless 

Dear Zestless, 

Try adding dill, mix some spicey mustard with the mayo and use India relish instead of sweet relish. 

—Ed. 

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac, 

Does club soda really get food stains out of fabrics? 

—Soiled 

Dear Soiled, 

Yes. 

—Ed. 

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac, 

Is this a reader letters entry in a blog dedicated to humorous, savvy social and politcal satiric writing or a column dispensing helpful tips about recipes and housekeeping? 

ps: who's this "Ed" guy? 

—Different Puzzled 

Dear Different Puzzled, 

In answer to your first question: Maybe. As for your second point, we're not sure who "Ed" is, either. We were gone for a while and when we got back, he was just kind of here, and, since he'd watered the plants and kept the place so tidy, we couldn't just ask him to leave. 

—Ed.