Ant Farmer's Almanac

Baby Bell Buys Ma Bell

New Company to be Named EDPS Corp.

NEW YORK, NY (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) The acquisition of AT&T — "Ma Bell" — by SBC, one of its many offspring "Baby Bells," has Wall Street buzzing like a Greek chorus. The combined company, renamed EDPS (Electronic, Digital & Pulse Systems) will be headquartered in San Antonio, Texas.

 

"This was foretold long ago," says Joe Costa, speaking for the EDPS transition team, "So nobody should be all that surprised."

 

"We are not blind to the coming challenges," Costa intoned, "There will be difficulties — crossroads, riddles, pestilence and the occasional unintentional mother-son incest — but I'm confident that we can and will rise up to and vanquish each of these obstacles."

 

A spokesman for automotive computing manufacturer Delphi would not comment on plans for joint ventures with EDPS, and when the public relations official for Oracle answered the phone she said, "I just knew you were going to call."

Madonna's Household Chef Studying Halvah

LONDON, England (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) British tabloids are reporting that Madonna's household chef has been tutored in the secrets of making halvah, an ancient Jewish delicacy.

 

Sources close to Mary Reilly, the 23-year-old Irish-born cook employed by glam couple Madonna and Guy Ritchie, say she was whisked off for several weeks to Cantor's Delicatessen in Los Angeles to learn the art and mystery of halvah preparation. It is not known whether this is an outgrowth of the Kabbalah-smitten Madonna's exploration into Judaic mysticism or an elaborate way to trick her kids into having fewer sweets.

 

Often confused with "baklava" by people who've never had either, halvah originated in the Balkans and eastern Mediterranean where it is still believed to be a dessert. The confection is made of ground sesame seeds, honey or sugar syrup, with dried fruit, pistachio nuts and farina and sometimes almonds, cinnamon and cardamon, which are then heated and poured into bars or long loaves. The name means literally 'sweetmeat' and forms of it are found in Turkish, Greek, Yiddish and Arabic cooking (Helva, halwa, halawi, etc.), as well as other cultures whose traditional cuisine predates chocolate.

 

Also unknown is whether Reilly picked up other traditionally Jewish culinary skills while at L.A.'s famed eatery. However, regulars at a London tea shop frequented by Guy Ritchie report that the film director has stopped ordering his usual Full English Breakfast ("Full Monty") of fried bacon, sausage, mushroom, eggs and tomato in favor of a "Bialy with schmeer."

 

Asked if she thought her time with the masters of deli fare had been well-spent, Reilly shrugged and replied, "It couldn't hurt."

 

New Year's Rocking Eve SNAFU

LOS ANGELES (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Because of an on-air flub by Ashlee Simpson, co-host of "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve", the year 2004 has been declared a "Do-Over".

While wishing a happy New Year to Regis Philbin, who was hosting the festivities in New York's Times Square, Simpson repeatedly shouted "Happy 2004" instead of "Happy 2005". Philbin, new to the job and distracted by all the lights and noise, concurred and repeated the sentiment before realizing the error. This gaffe triggered a complex series of events at the World's timekeeping center in the Royal Observatory Greenwich, home of Greenwich Mean Time, that resulted in today being officially and incontrovertibly designated January 1, 2004 instead of the regularly scheduled January 1, 2005.

Simpson, who gained notoriety for lip-syncing to the wrong song while performing allegedly "live" on Saturday Night Live, had since vowed not to use any pre-recorded backup tapes or even a tele-prompter, as a show of her ability to perform "Live, Live" and to prove that she was more than just another vacuous, teeny-bopping action figure.

"I guess I was wrong to try it on my own," giggled an embarrassed Simpson, interviewed by Carson Daly after the broadcast, "My bad."

While most people were still too hungover to fully appreciate that they were facing a rerun of the year they'd thought was finally over, not everyone was unhappy by the unexpected turn of events.

Howard Dean, for one, said he looked forward to not screaming; John Kerry vowed that he wouldn't forget Poland this time; and Yankees' owner George Steinbrenner promised to "beat the crap out of Boston and sweep the World Series, like we were supposed to."

Reached for comment at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush said he was eager to repeat his dramatic "Mission Accomplished" fighter-jet landing onto the deck of the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln. When it was pointed out that this had happened in 2003 not 2004, the president stared blankly and said, "Freedom is on the march. God Bless the USA and God Bless America. Good night," and hurried off to cut some brush.