ALEXANDRIA, VA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A militant offshoot of Focus on the Family is broadening that organization's moral crusade against "objectionable" cartoons to include all cartoon talking animals.
Calling itself Families United for the Kibosh of Cartoon Satanism (F.U.K.C.S.), the new group seeks to eradicate all depictions of animals that possess the power of speech, whether animated, computer-generated or sock puppets.
"The only animals in the Bible that can talk are instruments of Satan," says Hugh Bonner, F.U.K.C.S.' founder and point man, "The serpent in the Garden of Eden being only the most prominent example. It logically follows, therefore, that talking animals — in cartoons, or anywhere else, for that matter — are tools of the Devil and their very existence a heresy and an abomination."
"Focus on the Family fell short when they stopped at a cartoon character's gayness or tolerance of other cartoon characters' gayness," continued Bonner, referring to the recent flap over recent questions of Spongebob Squarepants' sexual orientation, "We believe the Satanic control of cartoon animals to be a far greater danger.
"Once a child accepts the idea of animals talking, Lucifer's work is pretty much done," Bonner intoned gravely, "All that's left for him to show up in cute animal form and, whammo, the world is plunged headlong into the fiery depths," Bonner paused and shook his head in dismay, "I don't know why more people aren't worried about this."
While Bonner includes nearly the entire Disney canon, most of Hanna-Babera and Warner Bros., as well as Woody Woodpecker, Mr. Ed, Babe, Dr. Doolittle (all versions), Pogo, Mutts and even Davey and Goliath on his list of handmaidens to the damnation of mankind, Garfield the Cat gets a pass.
"Garfield doesn't actually speak, you see," explained Bonner, "Those are just his thoughts. He never talks to Odie and Jon, so it's okay," adding with a chuckle, "That cat sure does love to eat, heh, heh. He cracks me up."
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