Ant Farmer's Almanac

Judge Sentences Tonight Show Audiences to 3-to-5 Months of Jay Leno's Lame "Michael Jackson is so Weird" Jokes

"Anything to keep that Carrot Top guy off TV," says Judge Rodney Melville.

LOS ANGELES, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) California Judge Rodney Melville has lifted the gag order imposed on Jay Leno, ruling that the Tonight Show host can now legally tell jokes about Michael Jackson on the air.

During the time he was barred from telling Jackson-related jokes himself, Leno used other comedians as proxies, including Dennis Miller, Drew Carey and Carrot Top, whom he invited onstage during his nightly monologue to mock Jackson in his stead.

As a court-ordered condition of Leno's unleashing, Dennis Miller has been remanded back to CNBC and Carrot Top is restricted to performing at children's birthday parties. At press time, Drew Carey was still at large but when located will be tagged and released into the wild.

Corey Feldman Will Not Play Self in Jackson Trial Re-Enactments

"We've decided to go a different way," say E! News producers

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Despite the fact that he is available, interested and eminently qualified for the role, Corey Feldman won't play the part of Corey Feldman in E! News Television's daily re-enactment of the Michael Jackson trial for child molestation.

"His audition was great," says the show's casting director, "It was a heartfelt, moving performance; he did monologues from Meatballs 4, Bordello of Blood, Bikini Bandits, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III and South Beach Academy," adding, "We were all in tears, for a variety of reasons, by the end of it."

Still, E!'s producers felt that Feldman wasn't quite right for the part.

"He's older and not as cute as we'd remembered him, which could be distracting," admitted someone close to the casting process. "Plus, having Corey Feldman portray Corey Feldman might cause a rift in the already stretched thin-membrane separating reality and reality TV, thereby disrupting the space time continuum. We don't want to be responsible for the consequences of something like that. At least that's what our lawyers have told us to say."

Instead of Feldman, the part of Feldman will be re-enacted by "An exciting young newcomer that we expect to see a lot more of," according to E!'s press release.

"Sheesh! What 'different way?' I can go that way, too!" said a disappointed Feldman, "Who do you have to [expletive] in this town to get work, anyway?" adding, "Really, who? Just tell me and I'm there."

Bush Administration Launches "Fate-Based" Initiatives

 

"Whatever," says White House Spokesman

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A White House insider today announced that, from here on out, the Bush administration will take a more easygoing attitude when seeking public support for and pushing its agenda through congress.

 

"We're just gonna put our ideas out there and see where they go, you know," said Kay Seurat, assistant to the deputy of the Assistant Deputy to the Deputy White House Chief of Staff, continuing, "It's like that old saying: If you love a piece of legislation, let it go; then, if it doesn't get stalled in committee, makes it through the floor debates, House and Senate votes and comes back as the law of the land without winding up as a Supreme Court case, it was meant to be."

 

This new approach, labeled "Fate-Based Intitiatives," contrasts starkly with the administration's previous strategy of strong-arming congress, intimidating the press corps and mounting slick, take-no-prisoners PR campaigns to get whatever it wanted.

 

Many of the reporters present were skeptical — some for the first time ever — and decided to wait until they could check with Karl Rove before filing their stories.