Pope George I Vows to Make Catholicism More "Faith Based"
VATICAN CITY (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) After just one round of voting, the College of Cardinals has returned a unanimous decision electing U.S. president George W. Bush as the next pope.
It is believed the landslide win for Mr. Bush is due to the Cardinals having used computerized voting machines donated by the Diebold Company, whose equipment delivered decisive Bush presidential victories in Ohio and Florida in 2004.
While high-ranking church officials and millions of Catholics worldwide were stunned by the news, spokesmen for President Bush accepted the victory in stride. Rumors swirled around Washington and Rome that the Popemobile had already been shipped to California for retrofitting as a Humvee by Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite customizing shop.
President Bush, aka Pope George I, granted a brief audience to reporters from the basilica of his Crawford, Texas ranch, where he vowed to "...Make the Catholic church more faith-based," and to "Bring Catholics and regular Christians together at last." Mr. Bush was initially enthusiastic about being able to "canonize" people until he was told what it really meant.
Elsewhere, an organization calling itself "Swiss Guard Veterans for Truth" began a campaign of lobbying for the excommunication of Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. Pope George I's newly appointed Grand Inquisitor Karl Rove has denied any knowledge of, connection with, or control over the group.
Reports that Pat Buchanan's and William F. Buckley's heads had exploded could not be confirmed at press time.
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