Ant Farmer's Almanac

Dress Different

Apple Introduces the iZod

CUPERTINO, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Apple Computer today announced that it is beta-testing a new line of clothing.

"Introducing the Apple iZod Collection," Apple spokesperson J.J. Jackson enthusiastically told assembled reporters from Wired magazine and Women's Wear Daily, "Active casual wear designed for today's young person on the go! Tailor made to accommodate iPods and other hand-held devices and inspired by the sportswear with the famous crocodile logo."

The line's signature item is the iZod shirt which comes in two styles. The "Shuffle Shirt" features a crocodile-shaped velcro patch in the same spot as the classic shirt's iconic logo. Specially made iPod Shuffles' velcro backing will make attachment and removal easy. An after-market velcro patch will be available for older Shuffles.

Offered in the same colors and sizes, the "Nano Shirt" offers a breast pocket, sized to snugly fit the larger iPod Nano. The pocket is emblazoned with a color-contrasting, non-velcro crocodile logo.

Both shirts feature the patented Triple Threat Collar® that serves three distinct purposes: its flexible, washer-safe "receptor wire," is sewn into its outer edge, rendering the wearer his or her own mobile hotspot; loops on the collar's underside allow an iPod's earphone wire to be kept secure and out of the way; and, of course, it's also a collar.

As flashbulbs popped away, supermodels, wearing little more than the shirts and expressions of icy indifference, strutted down the runway while putting on and taking off Shuffles and Nanos in exaggerated gestures. Alternating with each gamine were the male "models," pasty young men of various heights and body types, wearing iZods while awkwardly adjusting their glasses and fumbling with their inhalers.

The iZod's inaugural colors are white, black and, from the iMac's original palette, Bondi Blue (for men and women), and exclusively for the gals, vintage iMac colors Indigo, Ruby and Sage.

Asked if the clothing was compatible with non-Apple devices and whether the logo was a crocodile or an alligator, Jackson sighed dismissively and rolled her eyes. She also refused to confirm or deny a rumor that Apple is working with Victoria's Secret to produce an "underwireless" iPex bra.

If it Ain't Brokeback . . .

Web "Spoof" Puts Final Nail in Gay Cowboy-Themed Comic Trend's Coffin

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) An obscure humor web site today posted what many hope is the last-ever spoof of the Oscar-nominated film Brokeback Mountain.

The story's satiric premise involves an allegedly forthcoming Scottish movie entitled Brogue-Back Mountain, in which love blossoms between a pair of ruggedly handsome highland shepherds and how this forbidden desire effects their lives, their families and their sheep.

Puns abound in the 300-or-so-word fake news story, leading off with a recitation of rejected titles, including Highland Fling, Sporran to be Wild, Kilt Bill and Plaid to the Bone. The parodic ad slogans' puns are, if possible, even more painful; "They took the down-low road..." "What happens in the heather, stays in the heather..." and such like.

Attempts to wring laughs from a broad Scottish accent ("Ay, laddie, I nae can quit ye!") fall flat, the joke about the all-bagpipe soundtrack could be seen coming three paragraphs away and the double entendres concerning haggis make no sense at all.

Despite the thanks of a grateful nation for putting the kibosh on this current craze for gay cowboy-themed comedy, the writer acknowledges having second thoughts about posting the story. These stem from the lukewarm response it got from acquaintances and the "This tastes icky" look on his wife's face when she read an early draft. While he insists that he doesn't regret writing the piece, he does wish he'd thought of it sooner or gone with his Brokebackdraft idea about gay firemen because he had this really funny line about red suspenders.

The Buckshot Stops Here

Dick Cheney to Lead Task Force Aimed at Halting Avian Flu. "It's Not Over Till the Last Bird Hits the Ground," says Locked and Loaded Veep.

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Vice President Dick Cheney will personally head a new government agency created to protect the United States from the threat of avian flu. Called the Avian Eradication-Reduction Operation (AERO), its mission is straightforward: kill every bird in the United States.

"We see a bird, we kill it. Period," said Mr. Cheney, "It's just that simple. With this avian flu thing, it's not hunting, it's self-defense. If even one American calls in sick to work from this, then the birds will have won."

While the FDA and the Department of Agriculture will spearhead destroying commercially raised poultry, AERO, under the umbrella of Homeland Security, will take out the "free-range" variety and pretty much anything else with feathers.

Under the motto, "If It Flies, It Dies," the agency will register citizen volunteers who are then authorized to blast any bird anywhere at any time. The new project has redeemed the vice president's standing in the hunting community, where many felt his hobby of shooting pen-raised quail with clipped wings was "About as sporting as dynamiting trout at a fish farm"

AERO volunteers get no reimbursement, and those who use firearms have to provide their own weapons and ammunition. However, anyone hunting in the same zip code as the vice president will get free Aflac insurance coverage.

Ironically, the Aflac spokesduck was one of the first birds to die, run down by a car north of Los Angeles; at the wheel, an AERO volunteer who spotted him filming an ad on location there.

The program has proved surprisingly popular. New Yorkers — hardly Mr. Cheney's core constituency — went after Gotham's ubiquitous and much-despised pigeons in what can be described only as a "merciless bloodletting."

Heavily armed Southern Californians gathered took up positions within the picturesque mission of San Juan Capistrano to protect themselves from the fabled swallows' annual return. "I've waited years for this," said one volunteer, scanning the skies as he stroked his shotgun intently.

AERO, the FDA and the Agriculture Department have jointly launched a public relations campaign promoting fear of and loathing for all things avian, and diminishing birds' importance in preparation for their disappearance.

The first wave of this PR blitz includes continuous showings of Alfred Hitchock's The Birds, and a series of public service announcements that portray birds negatively — poop all over the place, that damned chirping — has been rushed onto the airwaves. The campaign also offers generous federal grant reward money to any ballet company whose production of Swan Lake convinces the audience that The Dying Swan "had it coming."

Anticipating the "Cuisine Change" that will result from a lack of poultry, the Food Network is introducing a series entitled I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken, highlighting animal, mineral and vegetable replacements for formerly fowl based recipes. In the print media, a new version of the popular self-help book will be retitled Tastes Just Like Chicken Soup for the Soul.

Meanwhile, McDonald's has issued a press release assuring the public that the extinction of chickens will not effect the availability or flavor of McNuggets.

Re-Freyed

Revised Edition of James Frey's A Million Little Pieces to be Retitled An Indeterminate Number of Pieces Ranging in Size from Smallish to Really, Really Tiny.

 

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Citing his televised admission, on The Oprah Winfrey Show and elsewhere, of "Inaccuracies," "Exaggerations" and "Totally made-up stuff" in his best-selling memoir A Million Little Pieces, Penguin Publishing has cancelled its contract with disgraced author James Frey. This is despite the book's having been written and published by Random House long before Frey signed on with Penguin.

Random House, meanwhile, mindful of the invaluable publicity generated by the uproar, is printing a second, "corrected" and retitled, paperback edition of Frey’s now-infamous book.

"The decision to rename this new edition was difficult because of the high recognition factor of the original," admits Random House spokesman Harlan Dervish, "But the veracity of everything in A Million Little Pieces was so questionable that even the number and size of the pieces was suspect."

"We considered but ultimately rejected Mr. Frey’s suggestions for a new title," Dervish continued, "Including, Okay, Maybe Not Quite so Many Pieces as I Said at First; More Pieces Than I Wanted to Count, Some of Which are Fairly Small; What's the Big Deal, It was a Best-Seller fer Crissakes; and The Fandom of the Oprah."

In a press release, Random House announced that it had settled on the name An Indeterminate Number of Pieces Ranging in Size from Smallish to Really, Really Tiny.

Along with its new title, the revised version of Frey's journey through addiction and recovery will feature a new final chapter on his writing about addiction and recovery, of being promoted by Oprah for his recovery then denounced by her for not having been addicted enough and how, finally, he recovered from that.

Because of Frey's propensity for more than total-recall, a fact-checker will be on hand during the editing process to verify each and every word of the new material as well as much of the punctuation.

The book is listed in Random House's summer catalogue and is expected to hit bookstores by Memorial Day weekend. Oprah Winfrey could not be reached for comment or a book jacket blurb.