Dick Cheney to Lead Task Force Aimed at Halting Avian Flu. "It's Not Over Till the Last Bird Hits the Ground," says Locked and Loaded Veep.
"We see a bird, we kill it. Period," said Mr. Cheney, "It's just that simple. With this avian flu thing, it's not hunting, it's self-defense. If even one American calls in sick to work from this, then the birds will have won."
While the FDA and the Department of Agriculture will spearhead destroying commercially raised poultry, AERO, under the umbrella of Homeland Security, will take out the "free-range" variety and pretty much anything else with feathers.
Under the motto, "If It Flies, It Dies," the agency will register citizen volunteers who are then authorized to blast any bird anywhere at any time. The new project has redeemed the vice president's standing in the hunting community, where many felt his hobby of shooting pen-raised quail with clipped wings was "About as sporting as dynamiting trout at a fish farm"
AERO volunteers get no reimbursement, and those who use firearms have to provide their own weapons and ammunition. However, anyone hunting in the same zip code as the vice president will get free Aflac insurance coverage.
Ironically, the Aflac spokesduck was one of the first birds to die, run down by a car north of Los Angeles; at the wheel, an AERO volunteer who spotted him filming an ad on location there.
The program has proved surprisingly popular. New Yorkers — hardly Mr. Cheney's core constituency — went after Gotham's ubiquitous and much-despised pigeons in what can be described only as a "merciless bloodletting."
Heavily armed Southern Californians gathered took up positions within the picturesque mission of San Juan Capistrano to protect themselves from the fabled swallows' annual return. "I've waited years for this," said one volunteer, scanning the skies as he stroked his shotgun intently.
AERO, the FDA and the Agriculture Department have jointly launched a public relations campaign promoting fear of and loathing for all things avian, and diminishing birds' importance in preparation for their disappearance.
The first wave of this PR blitz includes continuous showings of Alfred Hitchock's The Birds, and a series of public service announcements that portray birds negatively — poop all over the place, that damned chirping — has been rushed onto the airwaves. The campaign also offers generous federal grant reward money to any ballet company whose production of Swan Lake convinces the audience that The Dying Swan "had it coming."
Anticipating the "Cuisine Change" that will result from a lack of poultry, the Food Network is introducing a series entitled I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken, highlighting animal, mineral and vegetable replacements for formerly fowl based recipes. In the print media, a new version of the popular self-help book will be retitled Tastes Just Like Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Meanwhile, McDonald's has issued a press release assuring the public that the extinction of chickens will not effect the availability or flavor of McNuggets.
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