To speak with a representative who's in Rawalpindi but has had enough voice coaching to almost sound like he's from Indianapolis and who will pretend his name is "Duane", press 1;
To speak with a representative with a British accent but who is obviously from the Indian sub-continent and whose name is Rajiv, press 2;
To speak with a representative from God-knows-where and whose name is unpronounceable and not even really a name even in his country but some word he just made up to play with your head, press 3;
To speak with a representative whose lunch break you're interrupting, press 4;
To speak with a representative who couldn't care less, press 5;
To speak with a representative who could care even less than 5, press 6;
To speak with a representative who is on the verge of tears, press 7;
To speak with a representative whose first day it is on the job and who will either disconnect you or put you on hold for ten minutes while looking for a pencil and then disconnect you, press 8;
To speak with a representative who knows who you are and saw what you did, press 9;
To return to the main menu, press #.
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