Ant Farmer's Almanac

Madonna to Adopt David Blaine

Celebrity Adoption Wars Heat Up

HOLLYWOOD, California (Ant Farmers Almanac Infotainment Bureau) Miffed that her controversial adoption of a Malawian child was pushed off the front pages by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's search for an ethnicity-to-be-named-later orphan, Madonna has announced plans to adopt 33-year-old "street magician" and former boyfriend David Blaine.

"It's like he's a part of the family already," says Madonna, hubby Guy Ritchie by her side, "He never writes, he never calls..." continuing with a sigh, "Street magician? After all this time he can't get work indoors like that nice David Copperfield?"

It is not clear whether Blaine will reside full-time at the Madonna-Ritchie household or just show up during holidays and whenever he needs some laundry done.

"Either way," chimes in Ritchie, "He should be fairly low-maintenance. He's mostly housebroken, and can go weeks without food. And," says Ritchie, "Even though he needs a lot of attention, he's pretty good at getting that for himself."

Pitt and Jolie countered Madonna's bold move by legally adopting comedian Michael Richards. As Jolie explains, "We'd been looking all over the world for some poor, lost, unwanted soul, and there was Michael, right in our own backyard," adding, "We don't know how he got over the security fence but now that he's here, we couldn't be happier."

Not to be outdone by these upstarts, serial waif collector Mia Farrow has adopted the entire Vienna Boys' Choir.

Paris Hilton, meanwhile, vows to "Have my babies the old-fashioned way," thereby fulfilling H.G. Wells' prophecy about a future race of pale blondes who get eaten by Morlocks.

You Shouldn't Have

My Impromptu Acceptance Speech for Being Named Time Magazine's Person of the Year

"Whew! Wow. Oh, boy. I sure didn't expect this. I'm just shocked! I'm speechless. Really, I didn't prepare a speech [pause for laugh]. There's so many people to thank, I just know I'll leave somebody out. So, sorry, anybody I leave out.

"Well, first, eh, I'd like to thank my family who has always been so supportive, except when it came to my career choices, where I live and my last three girlfriends. And that whole thing with the car.

"I don't know why they didn't put my name right on the cover but I guess it's like the Oscars where they don't engrave winner's name on the statue until after the ceremony.

"And finally, of course, I'd like to thank the editors of Time, who pulled themselves away from the latest tidbit of gossip about Princess Diana to throw this thing together...

"Hey, hey, hey, wait. Don't play me off! I'm "Person of the Year," dammit!

Oh, that's it. I'm still not buying your stupid magazine."

Reality Based Barbie

Iconic Doll to Get Age-Appropriate Makeover

Excerpts from an internal Mattel memo regarding possible marketing responses to the threat that the competing Bratz line of dolls poses to Barbie sales.

To: All Departments

From: Emergency ad hoc committee for repositioning Barbie

Rather than take on Bratz at their own game by moving Barbie further into the fantasy/fashion direction, we are currently investigating the viability of the opposite strategy and instead having Barbie "Get Real," by, at least in part, acknowledging that she is 47 years old and has been around the block a few times.

We're still in the early stages of research and development and we welcome any feedback on these initial ideas.

Glass Ceiling Barbie

Despite her smart business outfits and fabulous matching accessories, Barbie's climb up the corporate ladder stalled out after the first few rungs. Now middle aged and stuck in middle management, Barbie spends her days explaining quarterly sales figures to regional vice presidents half her age. Working weekends and spending holidays in Holiday Inns have taken their toll on our gal, and the more overpriced airline vodka she knocks back at 30,000 feet, the more she wonders if she didn't ditch that stewardess career a little too hastily. Comes with well-worn briefcase, unused Pilate's membership card. Frequent flyer miles not included.

Single Mom Barbie

Ken's flown the coop, the Dream Car's a minivan, and Barbie's just barely scraping by on alimony, child support and two part-time jobs. She's keeping it together for now, but if any of her kids want to go to college, they'd better come up with some talent worth four years of scholarship money. Comes with carpool schedule, bag of dirty laundry and choice of two or three latchkey kids.

Crazy Cat-Lady Barbie

Barbie's now a shopping bag-toting, wild-haired crone with way too many cats. The Dream House is that place even the bravest neighborhood kids won't trick or treat at. Dads who've lived on the block long enough remember when Barbie was really hot. But that was back before Ken left ('There was something off about that guy. Something... missing"), and that buff Australian surfer who was, what, 20 years younger, who moved in for a while. After surfer boy took off with Midge and the Dream Car, Barbie went all to hell and started taking in stray cats, with whom she has long conversations and calls her "babies." Air freshener and litter box not included.

 

Illustration by Martin Kozlowski