Celebrity Adoption Wars Heat Up
HOLLYWOOD, California (Ant Farmers Almanac Infotainment Bureau) Miffed that her controversial adoption of a Malawian child was pushed off the front pages by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's search for an ethnicity-to-be-named-later orphan, Madonna has announced plans to adopt 33-year-old "street magician" and former boyfriend David Blaine.
"It's like he's a part of the family already," says Madonna, hubby Guy Ritchie by her side, "He never writes, he never calls..." continuing with a sigh, "Street magician? After all this time he can't get work indoors like that nice David Copperfield?"
It is not clear whether Blaine will reside full-time at the Madonna-Ritchie household or just show up during holidays and whenever he needs some laundry done.
"Either way," chimes in Ritchie, "He should be fairly low-maintenance. He's mostly housebroken, and can go weeks without food. And," says Ritchie, "Even though he needs a lot of attention, he's pretty good at getting that for himself."
Pitt and Jolie countered Madonna's bold move by legally adopting comedian Michael Richards. As Jolie explains, "We'd been looking all over the world for some poor, lost, unwanted soul, and there was Michael, right in our own backyard," adding, "We don't know how he got over the security fence but now that he's here, we couldn't be happier."
Not to be outdone by these upstarts, serial waif collector Mia Farrow has adopted the entire Vienna Boys' Choir.
Paris Hilton, meanwhile, vows to "Have my babies the old-fashioned way," thereby fulfilling H.G. Wells' prophecy about a future race of pale blondes who get eaten by Morlocks.
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