Ant Farmer's Almanac

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

ORSON WELLES

1: Would say "Rosebud" if you gave him $20.

2: Canter's Deli had an exemption clause in the fine print of their "All You Can Eat" menu just for him.

3: Spent 1978 trying to convince Brian Wilson to write the score for Kane! A Rock Opera.

4: Never wore socks. Not even once. Really. Next time you watch A Touch of Evil, look at his feet. No socks.

5: In his case, the camera added 40 pounds.

6: Resolved contract negotiations and, allegedly, a couple of lawsuits with rock, paper, scissors.

7: Was three of the Hollywood Hills.

Driving With the Stars

New Reality/Competition Show Hits the Streets

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) In television's newest reality/competition show Driving with the Stars!, contestants compete for the chance to "ride shotgun" with a DUI-arrested Hollywood celebrity.

A roll of the fuzzy dice designates which soused star is the driver and whether their "Ride on the Wild Side" will involve zig-zagging between traffic cones on a closed test track or making an "unscripted" midnight run along Mulholland Drive.

From the same production company as last season's ill-fated and controversial Flip This Car!, this new project, too, has its troubles. Reports have surfaced that at least one contestant's family has filed a lawsuit, although rumor has it that they are not seeking money but only want "closure."

Industry insiders are abuzz about who among Hollywood's high-profile road hazards are likely participants, and note that if the show becomes a hit a guest appearance could be a good career move.

At press time, representatives for Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Ty Pennington, Nicole Richie, Busta Rhymes, Jessica Smith, Mel Gibson, Anneliese van der Pol, Rip Torn, Tracy Morgan, Vivica A. Fox and Nick Nolte had not yet issued statements confirming or denying their clients' participation.

Future New You Can Use

By L.K. Peterson III

June 4, 2037

WASHINGTON (AFA CyberNewswire) President Jenna Bush officially declared today, June 4, 2037, "Celebrity Martyr Commemoration Day" in remembrance of the 30th anniversary of Nobel Prize recipient, former World Bank President, multiple Academy Award winner and Supreme Court nominee Paris Hilton's first stretch in jail, in 2007.

In a ceremony at the former Lynwood, California jail site, now a museum, the president spoke passionately about her BFF's trying ordeal on that dark day so long ago, "It was all, like, so totally unfair and stuff," said Ms. Bush, choking back the tears, "It was really, you know, like sad and everything." The president went on to remind the assembled audience that this day was set aside for "...the rest of you to, like, not forget all the famous people who've been persecuted just because they're, you know, famous, and for going to jail for like, doing stuff."

Although Ms. Hilton-Federline-Trump-Buttafuocco-Birkhead was unable to attend, she sent president Bush an iMessage, "r u hi 2? i m!"

Handed the traditional bottle of champagne for christening, the president opened and chugged it before a cheering crowd.