Ant Farmer's Almanac

Make us an Offer!

Ford Slashes Prices of Jaguar, Land Rover in Huge Clearance Sales Event

DETROIT (AFA Newswire) With banners declaring, "Everything Must Go!" and "Buy Now and Make No Payments Until June, 2008!" the Ford Motor Co. confirmed that it has dramatically marked down the asking prices of its Jaguar and Land Rover divisions since their sales were first announced. 

Beneath a canopy of balloons, and as strings of colorful plastic flags flapped noisely in the wind, Ford executives worked the lot, hawking various incentives meant to lure in prospective buyers. These included 0% down, GPS systems, factory air-conditioning and extended warranties.

"What's it gonna take to put you into one of these fine car companies today?" asked a cheerful Ford exec named "Bud," as he approached one onlooker.

"I see you're a family man," Bud noted, guiding the visitor toward the Land Rover division. "Looking for something rugged and reliable but safe and with a touch of class? Of course you are!" Then, leaning in close to the visitor and speaking quietly he continued, "I have it on good authority that both the Queen of England and the Dalai Lama drive these babies, and there's two people who could have any car in the world!"

Asked to comment on whether this sale contradicts reports that Ford had expected to sell both division quickly, Bud responded, "I'll have to talk it over with my manager but I'm pretty sure I can get you a good one."

Too Much Information

Consumer Information Protection Act Proposed

WASHINGTON (AFA Newswire) In order to "Ensure that American consumers have all the facts they need before buying," the Consumer Information Protection Act ("CIPA"), was introduced yesterday in the House of Representatives by congressman Rick A. Koonz (R-CT).  

"Free speech isn't just the right to speak, it's the right to be heard as well," said Koonz, "And that right gets trampled every time a TV commercial goes unwatched, unread spam is deleted or someone hangs up on a telemarketer. The Consumer Information Protection Act guarantees advertisers the First Amendment protection they so desperately need."

To that end, CIPA would permanently abolish the Don't-Call List and make illegal "Anything that impedes the delivery of information about new products and/or services." The bill's list of things it would criminalize ranges from anti-spam software and the "mute" on TV remote controls to slamming the door in a salesman's face.

Furthermore, the bill proposes that by 2012 every television set sold in America must contain a "CIPA-Chip" that prevents changing the channel once a commercial has begun.

Critics, such as consumer rights advocate J.P. Manley, call the legislation, "Appalling. A self-serving distortion of the First Amendment," and "A shameless giveaway to the advertising industry."

"To ensure that Americans have all the facts they need before it's too late," says Manley, "We're preparing a PR campaign to generate public opposition to CIPA using every means of communication at our disposal; TV, radio, newspapers, direct mail, email, phone calls and billboards."

"We'll knock on every door of every house in this country day and night," vows Manley, "If that's what it takes to protect peoples' right to be left alone."