Ant Farmer's Almanac

The Man with the Gold-Plated Touch

ONCE UPON A TIME in the Woodland there lived a rich man named Midas.

Midas had the Golden Touch.

Okay, Gold-Plated touch is more like it, since Midas had amassed his fortune by making stuff from the cheapest material he could find then gold-plating the dickens out of it. Nonetheless, everything he touched became very, very shiny.

One day, Midas decided to gold-plate the dickens out of a boat.

He hired boat builders to build the biggest, most luxurious-looking boat anyone had ever seen, using only the crappiest material, then to gold-plate every nautical inch of the thing, stem to stern, crow's nest to keel. And to lay it on extra thick.

Midas named the boat Icarus because, well, because he was a little fuzzy on his Greek mythology.

He held a press conference to announce that he would be inviting only the A-est of Woodland's A-List to join him for the Icarus's maiden voyage. This, naturally, set off a flurry of publicity about and kissing up to Midas.

Finally, the big day finally arrived. As the select few who'd been selected went up the red-carpeted gangplank, each got a gift bag of gold-plated goodies that included a 1/32-scale model of the Icarus, an anchor-shaped keychain and a hefty jewelry box, made with leftover iron from the ship’s anchor and stuffed with gift certificates to swanky hotels, resorts, casinos, spas and restaurants that Midas owned a piece of.

Midas's current wife christened the boat by breaking a bottle of overpriced champagne over its bow.

Nobody noticed the crack it made.

The crowd gathered on the dock cheered right on cue as the Icarus pulled away and headed across Woodland's harbor, glistening in the sunlight as it sailed toward the open sea.

Just as it passed the outer lighthouse, however, the crack in its bow split wide open and water began rushing in.

Fortunately, everyone made it into the lifeboats before the Icarus went under. Unfortunately, the lifeboats were just as badly made as the rest of the ship and now, filled with swells refusing to let go of their swag, went down like a gift bag of hammers.

A few of the passengers got back to shore using their trophy wives as floatation devices but most went down with the ship.

Midas was among the survivors and at the investigation claimed the incident was an "Act of God"; specifically, Neptune, god of the sea. Amazingly, this worked. Midas was found not liable for the sinking and went on to star as himself in two of the three movies made about the incident.

Last we heard, he was buying a blimp.

Moral: Not everything that glitters is worth holding onto, much less gold.

Heckuva Note

McCain Replaces Palin on Ticket with Michael Brown

WASHINGTON (AFA Newswire) At a hastily called press briefing in Juneau today, embattled Republican vice presidential candidate and Alaska governor Sarah Palin announced she was resigning from the McCain campaign, effective immediately.

Governor Palin cited the need to "spend more quality time with my family and the Alaska State attorney general."

Less than an hour after Palin's withdrawal, John McCain held a press conference in Washington, D.C. to introduce his new running mate, Arabian Horse expert and former FEMA Director Michael "Heckuva Job" Brown.

McCain spoke at length of Brown's abilities and judgement, noting, "He knows a disaster when he's in one," and "After 11 years of looking at horse's asses, he's well equipped to deal with congress."

The Arizona senator would not answer questions about the sudden departure of Governor Palin, stating only that, "From here on, she speaks for herself. Really, we've got nothing to do with it anymore."

Asked if Palin had been "thrown under the bus" for the good of the campaign, a highly placed McCain staffer, replied, "We thought of that, yeah, but decided it was too... Oh, you mean figuratively ... Eh, pfft, no. I mean, [cough]... This is off the record, right?"

Brown did not address the assembled reporters — he is scheduled for a round of interviews on Fox News over the next several days — but he did make dinner reservations and pick out half-a-dozen neckties while McCain spoke. A 3x5 note card found under his chair after the event contained doodles of horses on one side and the words "McCain/Brown '08," and "Brown '012," scribbled on the other.