Ant Farmer's Almanac

Pitchfork and Torch Stocks Skyrocket as Angry Mob Storms Wall Street

Sudden Demand for Rioting Villager-Accessories Sparks Market Rally 

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Trading on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange went into a wild frenzy today with prices in the torch and pitchfork sectors soaring as news spread of an angry mob heading for Wall Street.

Reportedly furious over bailed-out companies' CEO bonuses, fed-up citizens gathered spontaneously and began marching toward the symbolic capitol of capitalism.

When news that the approaching hordes were carrying the pitchforks and torches traditionally wielded by angry mobs, stock prices for both items spiked, resulting in a 72% rise in gardening and home improvement holdings.

Estimates of its size jumped from the 100,000s to the millions as the crowd spilled into New York City, bringing traffic to a standstill while gaining strength and numbers as it rushed headlong down Broadway and made the sharp turn onto the narrow concrete canyon that is Wall Street. 

One broker, taken by surprise outside the stock exchange, was heard to cry out, "Tell my wife I sold high!" before being overrun by the stampede.

When word reached the NYSE that the crowd was shouting, "String 'em up!" shares in rope and lamp-posts shot up 39%.

At the closing bell and with the mob repeatedly ramming the building's fortresslike front doors with a downed telephone pole, the Dow was up 356 points.

Definitively Speaking

Proposed New Words for the Next Edition of the Dictionary

"Teachable Moment"  When a public figure or media personage is shocked, SHOCKED! by something to which the only reasonable, common sense response should be, "Well, duh!

Vexhater  1: Someone who acts in an irritating and annoying manner in order to promote or incite hate.  

2: Someone who is hated for being so irritating and annoying. 

Zygotic  Mental state resulting from unsuccessful attempts to conceive. 

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

1)  Didn't really mind being short

2)  Okay, except maybe when he needed something from a really high shelf

4)  Or when he wasn't allowed on carnival rides

3)  Or being nicknamed "Frodo"

5)  And prom night (don't even ask)

6)  Always being steered to the "ponies" section of the stable

7)  Listening to Josephine gripe about "Always having to wear flats"

Any Questions?

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

THE BIG BAD WOLF

1)  Was pretty average size for a wolf.

2)  Those three pigs? They had it coming.

3)  Did his own stunts.

4)  In autobiography, reveals that Riding Hood's grandma was a major cougar and the whole thing was totally consensual.

5)  Supported Sarah Palin.

6)  Chafed at being typecast but, hey, work is work.

7)  Real name: Wolfowitz.

Answers to Last Week's Quiz

1)  The Yellow Rose

2)  Ulysses S. Grant

3)  Pierre

4)  "It's me!"

5)  The Ritz Brothers

Bonus Answer:  The 1904 St. Louis World's Fair.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

1) Actually liked birds.

2) Was so afraid of clowns he wouldn't make a movie about them — not even one about how creepy they are.

3) Lost a hot dog-eating contest at Pink's in Hollywood to Orson Welles.

4) Mortified the cast and crew by wearing a speedo bathing suit while filming Lifeboat.

5) Liked shooting on location in San Francisco because it had way better Chinese take-out than LA.

6) The TV show, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, was a musical variety program for its first three seasons.

7) His patented phrasing of "Good Eev-ening" is actually patented and if you say it that way you owe his descendants $35. 

Nobel Officials Explain Obama's Peace Prize

"No, We Don't Mean it Ironically, like with Kissinger's Peace Prize," insist committee members

OSLO, NORWAY (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Amid a growing storm of controversy, officials of the Nobel Prize Committee held a press conference today to clarify their reasons for awarding the Peace Prize to U.S. President Barack Obama.

"Of course this honor isn't about what Mr. Obama has done in his short time as president," stated an exasperated Sven "Golly" Bork, speaking on behalf of the entire committee, "It's about what he's managed to not do; such as not punching out Joe Wilson."

"Also," continued Bork, "He is to be commended for not bonking together the heads of blue dog Democrats; and for not doing so publicly, Three Stooges style, complete with wacky sound effects. To say nothing of the restraint he's shown in the face of the hostility and crypto racism being hurled at him."

"Just keeping Rahm Emanuel on the leash must be a Herculean task," continued Bork, "He's the Jackie Robinson of black presidents. The temptation to declare Sean Hannity, Glen Beck and Orly Taitz enemy combatants and throw away the key... I don't know how he resists it," mused Bork, adding, "And, as if all of that wasn't already enough, his mother-in-law lives with him! I mean, c'mon!"

Asked what the Nobel Prize Committee would award Mr. Obama should he manage to broker a lasting peace in the middle east, Bork replied, "If he pulls that off, he deserves something from the International Brotherhood of Magicians. That kind of miracle is way beyond our pay grade."

In other news: NASA will neither confirm or deny that the bomb they set off on the moon Thursday morning was nicknamed "Alice Kramden."

Illustration by Tom Hachtman, courtesy of InxArt.

Sneak Peak at Palin Book Cover

The Ant Farmer's Almanac has obtained a copy of what we believe to be a possible cover design for Sarah Palin's forthcoming memoir Going Rogue: An American Life. While this may not be the cover that gets used, we have been assured that it was near the top of the pile on the art director's desk.