A Very Special "House" Christmas Episode

INTERIOR: HIGH-TECH, GLASSED-IN HOSPITAL ROOM, EARLY EVENING. IT IS SNOWING. OUTSIDE. NOT IN THE ROOM.  

Doctor House enters. Already in the room are his team, doctors Foreman, Chase and Cameron (or maybe 13). In the bed is a reindeer, making whatever sounds a reindeer in distress makes (we're guessing they're fairly unpleasant). Standing nearby are Santa and Mrs. Claus. Santa is agitated, Mrs. Claus is dabbing tears from her eyes with her apron and making gingerbread.

HOUSE

Okay, so who's our patient du jour this Merry X-Mas Eve?

FOREMAN

Reindeer. Male. Age unknown. 

HOUSE

His problem?

FOREMAN

Intermittent redness of the nose

CHASE

Glowing, some would even say.

HOUSE

Interesting. Let's have a look. Turn out the lights.

Foreman turns the lights out and, sure enough, Rudolph's nose glows red but flickers on and off.

CAMERON (OR MAYBE 13)

We ran all the usual tests; CAT scan, MRI. We've checked for heartworms, hoof-in-mouth, fleas, ticks, distemper...

HOUSE

No partridges in pear tress? Drummers drumming? Maids a-Maiding? 

FOREMAN

We checked his North Pole stable. Nothing unusual there.

CHASE

The only thing out of place was a missing length of Christmas lights over the barn door. Threw off the whole decorative scheme, that's why I noticed it.

SANTA

That happens every year, lately.

CAMERON (OR MAYBE 13)

Rudolph does visit every household on earth one night a year, so if it's an environmental factor, it could be anything. 

CHASE

At least anything on a rooftop.

WILSON

Enters the room with a folder that says "Test Results."

The test results came back. It isn't shingles.

HOUSE

To Cameron (or maybe 13)

You actually buy the whole Santa-delivering-all-the-toys myth?

SANTA

Hey! I'm right here!

HOUSE

To Santa

And, without Red-Nose here to guide your sleigh tonight, you'll have to use FedEx like the rest of us? 

SANTA

Well, no. I've got GPS. Have for years. We keep Rudolph on for the good PR; that and the reindeers have an ironclad union contract.

CUDDY

Who's stepped into the room behind Wilson, unnoticed

How about keeping the existential/logistical/philosophical conundrums to yourself and diagnose the patient, already? I mean, isn't this about the point in an episode when somebody says something relating to the B storyline that makes you tilt your head slightly indicating that you've solved the case?

House pauses for a moment, then tilts his head slightly indicating that he's solved the case. Grabbing some tweezers, House reaches into Rudolph's left nostril and begins slowly pulling out a long string of blinking red Christmas lights from deep inside Rudolph's nose.

ALL

Ewwww!!

HOUSE

Well, here's you problem, bulbs 7, 9 and 11 are burned out, making the whole string erratic, hence, unstable glowing.

SANTA

So that's where all those lights went! Rudolph, how could you?

Rudolph makes reindeerish noises of contrition, which we're guessing sound a lot like reindeerish noises of distress.

HOUSE

It's quite simple, really. Rudy here's been guiding your sleigh on foggy Christmas Eves since, what, the late 1940s. His natural nose light starts to fade, you go high-tech, he takes desperate measures to stay in the reindeer game and avoid becoming the exotic jerky portion of a holiday gift-basket.

SANTA

Well, Rudolph, it looks like you're taking Dr. House's place on the "naughty" list this year! Ho, ho, ho!

MRS. CLAUS

Gingerbread Man cookies, anyone?

Everyone starts grabbing cookies.

Over a mournful, instrumental version of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire," we see each of the doctors heading for their heartstring tuggingly lonely Christmas Eves. The camera pulls back to reveal the snow-covered exterior of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital and, as it pans skyward, shows a full moon, across which a sleigh pulled by reindeer passes in silhouette. The lead reindeer's nose is ever-so-faintly glowing red.

Roll credits.

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[julie in Brooklyn]

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