Olympic Officials Shocked — SHOCKED! — That Snowboarders are Behaving Like . . . Snowboarders

"Dudes, chill!" Reply Snowboarders, asking, "Got any snacks? You know, like, Doritos, maybe?"

VANCOUVER, BC (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) Officials of the 2010 Winter Olympics have expressed alarm and dismay over snowboarders' "Lack of proper reverence for the traditions of this august institution," according to USOC spokesman Don F. Mann, Jr., "They act like this is fun!"

Among Mann's list of snowboarders' offenses to Olympic gravitas: their grungy "street" fashion sense, Greg Bretz's McNuggets-eating contest with his coach, Ricky Bower (Bretz, 60; Bower, 35); Hannah Teter's underwear sales (which turns out to be a legitimate business, despite initial reports making it sound like an auction for the panties she had on at the time); Shaun White and Bud Keane's expletive-laden on-air chatter; and the "scandalous" party photos of a girl kissing Scotty Lago's bronze medal as it dangled from his belt that earned him a hastily arranged one-way ticket out of Vancouver

Despite most of these incidents taking place far from the event sites, athletes have been under tight scrutiny since the infamous Michael Phelps bong hit after his 2008 Olympic triumph.

Other troubling snowboarder behavior includes overuse of the term "Dude," being way too cheerful all the time and suspiciously frequent outbreaks of "the munchies." Mention of Louie Vito's pre-Olympics appearance on Dancing With the Stars got a look of sour disapproval from Mann, when asked if that also counted as inappropriate behavior.

Mann said his next task is to look into allegations of "catty, high-strung, diva-like and bitchy behavior" among ice dancers and figure skaters.

*Pictured above is Canadian Olympic Freestyle Snowboarder, Katherine Shizu Tsuyuki. As of Tuesday morning, she wasn't in trouble for anything.

Comments

[WriterDude]

"...Hannah Teter's underwear sales (which turns out to be a legitimate business, despite initial reports making it sound like an auction for the panties she had on at the time)..."

BWAHAHAHA! Treat yourself to some Five Guys for that line alone.