60 Minutes' Curmudgeon Ponders Retirement
Ever notice how so many "He's-so-old" jokes involve throwing kids off of lawns?
I have. And since my retirement was announced, there've been a lot of jokes about how I'll spend more time hollering at kids to get out of my front yard. I don't get that. Is this really a thing that happens? I've never had kids on my lawn, much less had to holler at them to get off of it and I've been an old guy for a really long time now.
Maybe it's because retired guys are home at times of the day when everyone else is at work, and that's when kids go around traipsing on other peoples' lawns. Then again, if that was the case, why haven't housewives been throwing kids off their lawns for years? Maybe they're too busy being desperate or something, I don't know.
Besides, all the kids in my neighborhood have their own lawns; why would they stand on mine? Or maybe I should be insulted that they don't. It's a nice lawn. I pay someone good money to keep it tidy, and he does a very nice job. Then again, I've never looked at any lawn — even one way nicer than mine — and thought, "Gee, I'd really like to go stand on that."
Anyway, I guess I'll know soon enough whether retiring suddenly makes you more territorial about your front yard. Once I'm officially a retiree, I plan to sit out on the porch and see if any kids show up on my lawn. If they do, I won't holler at them, I'll just ask them if this is their idea of a good time and if it is, I'll feel kind of sorry for them.
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