Ant Farmer's Almanac

Dictionarium

Flaccid Rock: Mopey pop music subset/derivation of "soft rock" (aka "Adult Contemporary"), characterized by whiny vocalizations and self-pitying lyrics, often accompanied by acoustic instrments and typically lacking distinctive percussion, bass lines or any of the gritty self-awareness, raw emotional expression/release or humor usually found in Blues, R&B, Soul or even Country music. See Seals & Croft, Loggins & Messina, Cat Stevens, etc.

Perrytonitis: Symptoms include one-third memory loss, tying up of or tripping over the tongue, confused and contradictory thinking, preternaturally good hair, irresistible homicidal impulses. If condition persists past the Iowa caucuses, consult your doctor.

Who Are The 9%?

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) A recent CBS News poll shows only 9% of Americans approve of the way congress is doing its job. Upon further investigation it was revealed that this 9% consists entirely of the members of congress themselves, their families, office and household staffs, campaign contributors, lobbyists and the writing staffs of late night comedy shows.

Heads or Tails, We Lose

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Inspired by Rand Paul's recent denial of any link between air pollution and asthma, Michelle Bachman now says that the visible curvature of the earth as photographed from outer space is not proof the world is round, asserting instead, "That just shows it's a round flat disc, like a coin," and vows that as president she will build a reinforced concrete barrier underneath the U.S. to prevent any Chinese attempt to tunnel in from the other side.

Herman Cain Assigned Secret Service Protection from Himself

Agents on order to tackle and restrain candidate if he attempts to speak near a microphone and to tase him when an attractive woman is within sight.

After much speculation about what "credible threat" prompted the Herman Cain campaign's request for Secret Service protection for their candidate comes the surprising answer: Herman Cain.

"He's the biggest liability we've got," says an anonymous high-ranking Cain campaign staffer, "We've kept this guy in contention for way longer than anyone expected, but every time he opens his mouth, we lose support and financing; we've come too far to let him blow it for us now."

"In 2008, it was all about pigs in lipstick," the staffer continues, "This time around, it's pigs with wings, and the longer we can keep this one in the air, the better," adding, "And believe me, in this shitty economy, having 'Can Make Pigs Fly' is a handy thing to have on your resume."