Scene: The Board Room of the Soylent Corporation, a couple of days after police detective Frank Thorn exposed that the company's top-selling product is made of people, not "high-energy plankton" as advertised. The ensuing firestorm of controversy has created a public relations nightmare. Called in for an emergency meeting, a dozen or so executive types sit around a long conference table.
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
Well, we have to make a public statement sooner or later.
RANDOM BOARD MEMBER
We could just stonewall until it all blows over...
CHAIRMAN
Too late for that; we've already got a couple of murders and suicides on our hands, and a trail of evidence of conspiracy and cover-up leading directly to this room.
STEVE FROM MARKETING
Well, sales don't seem to have dropped very much. I mean, people seem to really like the stuff...
CHAIRMAN
They don't have a lot of choices.
STEVE FROM MARKETING
And, they've been eating it for years. What we need to do is make them feel okay about that...
CHAIRMAN
Admit it, then?
STEVE FROM MARKETING
Oh, much more than that, sir... embrace it, get out ahead of it, start a whole new ad campaign. I've had the boys in R&D work up a few ideas...
[Starts powerpoint presentation showing mock-ups of ads]
[Reading from ad on screen]
"Made from the Best People on Earth!"
CHAIRMAN
Is that true, strictly speaking? I thought they just had to be dead.
STEVE FROM MARKETING
Well, they're mostly Americans and, if you assume, and most Americans do, that we're the best people on earth, then, yeah, pretty much true... ish.
CHAIRMAN
So, we're going to convince them to accept being cannibals and the likelihood that they'll also wind up as somebody else's dinner?
STEVE FROM MARKETING
We'll never use the "C" word, and the people... "involved" have been heavily processed to become just one of many, many ingredients. We play down the whole, you know, people parts part... or
[Brings up second ad]
Soylent Green: For People Who Need People!
CHAIRMAN
No!
STEVE FROM MARKETING
[Quickly jumping forward to next ad]
Or we can introduce this new spokes-character/mascot...
CHAIRMAN
[Responding to image and tagline]
The "Soylent Green Giant"?
STEVE FROM MARKETING
He's bigger than life. Human...oid. A farmer; grower of crops, reaper of harvests, bringer of bounty, giver of life... all motifs that tested well with our focus groups. He'll also, subtly, remind customers of their place in the grand scheme of things... that is to say, the gnawing dread over their existential insignificance and the pointlessness of existence itself, much less such abstract concepts as "right" and "wrong" in the face of a vast, cold unfeeling universe ...
CHAIRMAN
[Squinting at image on-screen]
He looks an awful lot like Charlton Heston...
STEVE FROM MARKETING
We can fix that.
[Brings up next ad]
In tandem with the plus-size farmer and his "Fresh from the Garden" angle, we've got an environmentally friendly secondary campaign that dovetails nicely with the first and emphasizes the whole Great-Circle-of-Life/recycling element: "As Green as it Gets!" and long-term land use, "Why should you be taking up space in the ground that could be a golf-course for the grandkids"!
CHAIRMAN
I like it. It appeals to both idealism and practicality, plus a dollop of liberal guilt! Get right on this. I want to roll it out by the end of the week.
STEVE FROM MARKETING
We've also got some ideas for new flavors: "Spicy Southwesterner", "Minty Minnesotan" and "Brooklyn Hipster".
CHAIRMAN
Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves; stick with "Original", "Cool Ranch" and "Barbecue" for now and hope nobody finds out what's really in Soylent Milk anytime soon.