Ant Farmer's Almanac

Bear from The Revenant to Boycott Oscars

Will Remain in Hibernation as Protest of Academy Snub

LOS ANGELES (AFA Entertainment Newswire) The claws came out in a press release from Bruno the Grizzly Bear, recently seen in -- but overlooked by Oscar for -- his pivotal role in the film The Revenant.

Prepared before going into hibernation for the winter, Bruno (born Izzy Stastowski) made several candid statements about his reasons for sitting out this year's Academy Awards Ceremony in Los Angeles. 

"DiCaprio chews up the scenery and gets a nomination; I got anywhere near the craft services table and they'd dart me," adding, "I had to get my own salmon from the nearest stream..."

"And all this publicity BS about how he suffered for the role... oh, please; between takes pretty boy's in his trailer surrounded by a harem of "assistants" tending to his every whim. And he's got a lot of whims, let me tell you.  Me? All I had were some rubber balls to juggle and a unicycle. The ones who really deserve an award are the crew that had to watch that little pisher overact in front of a green screen."

Bruno's will next reprise his role as Smokey the Bear in a National Park Service PSA about wildfire prevention ("Again with the ranger hat..."). Until then, Bruno will continue hibernating in an undisclosed location near Lake Tahoe. He can be reached through Noah's Ark Animal Actors Talent Agency, (310) 555-1212.

NFL Introduces Superbowl "Quartertime Shows"

NEW YORK (AFA SportsWire) The National Football League announced today that at the 2017 Superbowl in Houston, Texas, it will introduce what it calls "Quartertime Shows", extended entertainment breaks at the end of the first and third quarters.

Intended to last about half as long as the halftime show the nature and content of quartertime has not been decided. However, the move reflects a larger NFL strategy to increase add revenue and broaden its appeal to non-traditional football audiences. Presentations under consideration include marching chamber music ensembles, interpretive dance, and a PBS pledge drive.

Meanwhile, Major League Baseball would neither confirm or deny rumors of its plan for stretching the Seventh Inning Stretch to allow for on-field performances and adding a Third Inning Stretch for, well, stretching. Unprompted, the National Hockey League issued a statement that its fans were perfectly happy watching the Zamboni.

Dictionarium

Naduhr (noun);
When an accomplished person's dumbass post- or late-career words or actions overshadow the positive memory of their prior work to the point of rendering it a footnote to the stupid shit they said or did just now; i.e., Gloria Steinem, Madeleine Albright, Ralph Nader.