Ant Farmer's Almanac

Climate Change Scientist Sends Infant Son to Distant Planet

NORKOPPING, SWEDEN (AFA Newswire) Dismayed by humanity's lack of action in the face of impending world-wide ecological cataclysm, Swedish envirobiologist and leading climate change scientist Dr. Björn Jarrell has constructed an escape-pod spacecraft for his infant son, Karl. 

"It's the only way," says Jarrell, "If mankind won't even try to save itself, I'm going to do what I can for my own family." 

Aimed at Wolf 1061c, one of three recently discovered earthlike planets orbiting a red dwarf star in the constellation Ophiuchus, the rocket will take several years to arrive at its destination. The boy will be in a state of suspended animation throughout the long journey.

Jarrell ruefully acknowledges he'd intended to build a ship large enough to also hold his wife and himself but there just isn't time and now this small-scale model meant for testing will have to do.

Although unsure of what Karl will find on his new world, Jarrell insists, "I like the boy's chances in outer space more than if he stays here," adding, "I just hope they never find out what a planet full of dipshits he came from."

 

Trump Drops Out of Race, Declares Himself 15th Dalai Lama

Vows to "Make Buddhism Great Again"

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Less than 24 hours after abruptly ending his bid for the U.S. presidency, real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald J. Trump declared himself the 15th Dalai Lama, latest incarnation of the bodhisattva Avalokitesvara, spiritual leader of the Tibetan people and millions of buddhists worldwide.

An audible gasp rose from the crowd assembled in Trump Tower when The Donald appeared wearing traditional Tibetan monk's robes and, most shockingly, with his head completely shaved clean.

Smiling beatifically amid the clicks and whirs of cameras, Trump, or "The Dalai," as he is now called, addressed the audience. "I know what you're thinking, 'Why me? Why now?' Well, the 14th Dalai Lama just hasn't got the job done; he didn't keep the Chinese out of Tibet, didn't make buddhism as huge as it could be..." The Dalai paused, "But I will be phenomenal, I will do for buddhism what I have done for American politics!"

"I gotta tell you, so far, I'm really liking this whole incarnation thing," The Dalai continued, "These robes... terrifically comfortable, unrestricted, very freeing, and this," he added, rubbing both hands across the top of his newly bald pate, "It's like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders."

The nearest The Dalai-formerly-known-as-Trump came to offering any insight or explanation about his sudden transformation was to say, "The original buddha, that first guy, like myself, started out rich but, where his chosen path to enlightenment meant giving up all worldly goods... well, let's just say I'm going in a different direction."

The Dalai then hinted at some of his immediate plans, "We're in talks with developers about a ski resort/casino complex near Lhasa," adding, "And maybe some condos."

Just as the room erupted with questions, The Dalai excused himself, citing "urgent spiritual business," shouting back to the crowd as he exited, "Namaste, hare krishna, whatever."

Asked for comment about his self-appointed successor, Lhamo Dondrub, the 14th Dalai Lama, thought for a moment then replied, "Well, I guess if it's between him or some kid chosen by the Chinese government... "

 

ILLUSTRATION BY LEO LAND

He Was Already in the One for 1997

Oscar committee explains absence of Abe Vigoda in 2016 "In Memorium" reel.