[Bridge of the Federation Starship Enterprise D, patrolling a remote corner of the Neutral Zone.]
DATA
Captain, long-range sensors are picking up an alien ship approaching on an aggressive intercept course.
PICARD
Identification?
DATA
None sir but our scans show 12 life-forms aboard... they are hailing us...
PICARD
On screen!
[Viewscreen shows bridge of alien starship on which is a crew of beings in shades of green, blue and various colors, some with antennae, some with bad hairpieces.]
JAYTEKAY
Enterprise. I am. Jay-Tekay. You hold. Our creator. We come. In search. Of. Him. You must release. The creator to. Us. Or. Face. The consequences!
PICARD
Again with seeking the creator... how many times has this happened?
DATA
Remarkably, only three; Season 4, episode 3; season 4, episode 19; season 6, episode 20...
PICARD
Yes, yes, Mr. Data, it was a rhetorical question.
JAYTEKAY
Enterprise. Surrender him to us. Or. Be destroyed. You have one. Earth. Hour.
PICARD
Mr. Data, analysis.
DATA
Jaytekay appears to be Kelvan and our bio-sensor readings show that each of the crew is of a different race: Orion, Triskelion, Scolsian and several others...
RIKER
Is that a Gorn?
DATA
... although from different planets, all of the life forms on the ship are roughly the same age, born within a three-year period. They also share a common string of human DNA.
PICARD
Counselor Troi, what are you sensing?
COUNSELOR TROI
They are united by fierce emotions and a strong bond; they seek answers and closure.
PICARD
Closure? Of what?
COUNSELOR TROI
That's not clear, sir; not even to them.
DATA
Historical records show the Federation encountered their home planets some 50 years ago. Allowing for differing gestation periods, I would surmise that they were conceived in the order of first contact along an outward trajectory from Earth through their system... and...
PICARD
Yes, Mr. Data?
DATA
The Federation starship that made first contact with all of these planets was the Enterprise.
PICARD
Why am I not surprised?
DATA
The human DNA these beings share appears to be from a single Earth human...
PICARD
Oh, dear...
DATA
... It is the DNA of Captain James T. Kirk, commander of that Enterprise.
PICARD
Oh, bloody hell...
RIKER
Did he even know what the Prime Directive was?
PICARD
He's why they amended Chapter 28, section 4, subsections 3 through 19, specifically ...
[Picard leads bridge crew in rote recitation]
"There shall be no sexual or romantic involvements of any sort during First Contact between contacting team and contactees and no such activity will be sanctioned until negotiations regarding admission to the Federation -- contingent upon outcome -- have been concluded."
RIKER
Ah, yes, the Kirk Rider.
WESLEY CRUSHER
The pink one's kind of cute.
PICARD
Wesley!
WESLEY CRUSHER
Sorry, sir.
RIKER
What should we do?
DATA
If previous encounters with Kirk-Alien spawn are any indication, these creatures are capable of chewing scenery at an alarming rate; if we beam them aboard we may not be able to contain them.
RIKER
Last time we were in dry dock for weeks...
PICARD
Options?
WORF
Photon torpedos ready to fire...
PICARD
Not just yet, Mr. Worf.
DATA
We could reinforce a holodeck by surrounding it with a forcefield; any damage would be confined there and effect only computer-generated matter.
PICARD
Good thinking, Mr. Data, make it so. Invite the visiting crew to beam over and send them directly to Holodeck 3. Computer, prepare Program Kirk/Birds and Bees/Paternity Explanation/Federation Apology/Child Support Back-Payment Offer.
RIKER
Wesley's right; that pink babe is kind of hot.
PICARD
Number One, why don't you just remain on the bridge for this one...