Maybe if Donald Trump had held onto the New Jersey Generals of the USFL, become general manager and had this press conference in 1984 or so, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now...
[scene: New Jersey Generals post-game interview]
REPORTER
So, how do you feel after that humiliating loss, Mr. Trump?
TRUMP
It was a beautiful game; a great game. I have all the best players and coaches. My cheerleaders, first rate; 10s all of them. I only hire the best -- the best of the best! Unbelievable!
REPORTER
But the Generals lost today. Big-time. The game was a blowout.
TRUMP
No, you're wrong about that. We won. We're winners. We always win. Losing is for losers.
REPORTER
The score was 57-12...
TRUMP
Ask our fans who won, they know, they'll tell you. Numbers don't mean anything.
REPORTER
Ah, they kinda do...
TRUMP
That scoreboard was rigged; the whole league is rigged. If we lose -- and I'm telling you we didn't -- it wasn't a fair game. No way.
REPORTER
There were a lot of fumbles by your team and the other side played well, making some seventeen interceptions...
TRUMP
You see, right there! They only had the ball because they stole it from us! And the referees did nothing about it.
REPORTER
Are you accusing the officials of rigging the game against you?
TRUMP
Many people are saying that, I don't know...
REPORTER
Your coaching staff often complains about your managerial interference, saying you insist they use nonsensical and risky plays ...
TRUMP
Wrong.
REPORTER
... and keeping in players who should probably have been on the disabled list, benched or traded...
TRUMP
I don't know where this is coming from. Where did you get this?
REPORTER
... and more than one of them has said you personally are to blame for this season's poor record.
TRUMP
Lame excuses from lousy coaches. They should be embarrassed. I put together a winning team and they can't make it work. Sad.
REPORTER
Players have said your rambling half-time locker-room talks, rather than inspiring them to rally, instead confuse, depress and even frighten them, and that your bizarre plays put them at tremendous physical risk...
TRUMP
Overpaid crybabies who can't take it -- they can't even dish it out, 'Ooh, I got a concussion and wanna go home,' Most of these guys come from the shittiest neighborhoods in the shittiest little towns, where they've been shot several times before they're 12. I pull them out of there, probably saving their lives and now they're whining about ligament tears, skull fractures and neurodegenerative disorders. Pathetic.
REPORTER
Didn't you just claim to have "All the best players and coaches?"
TRUMP
I never said that.
REPORTER
Do you have any comment about the multiple pending lawsuits from New Jersey Generals' cheerleaders about your alleged sexual harassment of them on and off the field?
TRUMP
Somebody get him out of here!
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