Ant Farmer's Almanac

Frequently Asked Questions

Howya doin'?

What do you think?

WTF?

Did you see this?

What are you doing?

How long is that gonna take?

Seriously?

Are you even listening?

What are you, an idiot?

Huh?

Are you ready to order?

Why, oh, Lord, why?

Can I ask you a question?

Top 10 Commandments of Loyalty to Trump

1) Thou shalt not pay more attention to anything than thou doth to Trump.

2) Thou shalt not contradict any remark, tweet or statement made by Trump before he doth do so himself.

3) Thou shalt keep and remember Presidents Day and honor, especially, the current president, more even than any of the others, except maybe Jackson.

4) Thou shalt not believe in fake news.

5) Thou shalt not covet what is Trump's; not his wealth, business acumen, fantastic negotiating skills, his daughter nor any such thing that Trump possesses or doth himself covet. 

6) Thou shalt not ask about Russia, inauguration crowd size or popular vote numbers. 

7) Thou shalt not mock, caricature, joke about, deride, jest, ridicule, make sport of, parody, lampoon, disparage, mimic, satirize, scorn, snicker or point and laugh at Trump or anyone in his immedate family, cabinet or inner circle or likewise revel in and enjoy such japery.*

8) If a tree falls in the forest and Trump says it didn't, it didn't. Anybody says it did, fake news.

9) Thou shalt have no loyalty above that to Trump, not to party, constituents, state, the Constitution, country (any country), the truth, or oath of office if thou hast taken one. 

10) When asked to jump, thou shall ask, "How high?"

*Enforcement pending outcome of appeal to U.S. Supreme Court in Trump v. Colbert, CBS, et al.

 

Trump “Quite Confident” About First Job Performance Review With Russian Foreign Minister

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) President Donald J. Trump is reported to be, “Totally confident and not at all worried” about his first job performance review from Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, White House sources are reporting. 

Lavrov’s visit to the White House on Wednesday is the first in-person review by a Russian official of Trump’s performance as U.S. President. The meeting is expected to last about an hour and, along with the Foreign Minister’s assessment, to involve conversation on such topics as Trump’s having completed assigned tasks, met goals, overall effectiveness, growth on the job, strengths, weaknesses, and any areas that need improvement. The only question for Trump that has White House aides concerned is, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

Top 10 Jokes for Yakov Smirnoff's Inevitable Comeback Tour

In your country you follow Twitter; in Russia, Twitter follows you… ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia, friends of Putin become millionaires; in America, millionaire friends of Putin become Secretary of State... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In America, you put up wall to keep people out; in Russia, they put up wall because so many bricks still lying around from rubble of society ruined by communism... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia computer hackers break into American politician's email to make public embarrassing information; in America, public just waits for politician to embarrass himself... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In your country, FBI listens in on your phone conversation; in Russia KGB listens in on FBI... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhhh, ehhhhh.

In America, patriotic saying of politicians is, "Buy American!", in Russia, patriotic saying is, "Buy an American politician"... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In your country, if you speak out against leader you wind up criticized; in Russia, you speak out against leader you wind up in critical condition... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In America, politicians say whatever they have to to get elected; in Russia, Putin says nothing and voters have to elect him... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh. 

In American, you don't bomb countries where your president has business; in Russia, Putin bombs countries into doing business with him... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia, government is run by rich guys lining own pockets at taxpayer expense; in your country... pretty much same thing... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

I'm here all week, try the borscht!