Between Rosencrantz & Guildenstern’s debut as a duo in Shakespeare’s Hamlet and their star turn in Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, the pair appeared in a wide variety of genres as supporting players or, as here, with top billing.
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Meet the Wolfman
Scene 1
A dense forest. Rosencrantz steps into a clearing from stage left.
ROSENCRANTZ
Where are we?
GUILDENSTERN
From offstage
A forest. Can you see it?
ROSENCRANTZ
No. Too many trees. Follow my voice.
GUILDENSTERN
Follow it where?
ROSENCRANTZ
To where I am.
GUILDENSTERN
Where are you?
ROSENCRANTZ
In the forest.
GUILDENSTERN
Stumbles onto center stage from trees, rear
Ah, you're not in the forest at all! You're in this clearing! No wonder I couldn't find you.
ROSENCRANTZ
Swats Guildenstern with his hat
Stay closer, you idiot, these woods are fraught with danger.
GUILDENSTERN
I thought we were in a forest?
ROSENCRANTZ
Forest, woods; what's the difference?
GUILDENSTERN
Places fingers at temples and recites
A wood is an area covered in trees, larger than a grove. A forest is also an area covered in trees, but larger than a wood. Originally, 'forest' meant a royal hunting ground, which is why they are usually larger than 'woods'; woods can be just a few trees, whereas a forest is usually much denser, both in trees and vegetation.
ROSENCRANTZ
Swats Guildenstern with his hat again, harder this time. Guildenstern falls over backwards,
Thou'st art both fool and savant but not in equal measure.
He looks up from the prone Guildenstern toward offstage right
Forsooth, a gypsy woman approaches!
GUILDENSTERN
Still on the ground
A raven-haired seductress or a soothsaying crone?
ROSENCRANTZ
Crone.
GUILDENSTERN
Too bad. I could really go for a raven-haired seductress about now.
GYPSY
Enters right, wizened crone with knobby walking stick, hooded cape and a couple of overflowing shopping bags
Beware! Beware! The sign of the wolf!
ROSENCRANTZ
All we saw were "No Trespassing" and "Castle for Sale" signs.
GYPSY
Silence!
GUILDENSTERN
Says nothing
GYPSY
That's better. Now, where was I?
ROSENCRANTZ
Sign of the wolf.
GYPSY
Right, right...
Reverts to spooky soothsaying voice
You are in grave danger...
ROSENCRANTZ
What? Is Hamlet about?
GYPSY
Tonight will come the full moon, when even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers by night may become a wolf when the wolfsbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright...
GUILDENSTERN
Wait, I know this one, something about Nantucket...
GYPSY
And that wolf will come hither, or perhaps yon... Heed my words! Withdraw these woods! Flee this forest! Beware! Beware!
That'll be 3 Kopeks.
ROSENCRANTZ
I've only got a five. Can you make change?
GYPSY
Sure.
She bites the fiver Rosencrantz gives her, then opens her cape to reveal a coin changer on her belt, clicks out two Kopeks and hands them to Rosencrantz
You need a receipt?
ROSENCRANTZ
No, we're good.
Gypsy exits
ROSENCRANTZ
The gypsy's words are a puzzlement.
GUILDENSTERN
T'is true; 3 Kopeks and she didn't say "sooth" even once!
ROSENCRANTZ
Swats Guildenstern with his hat
On what proof does she found her claim of wolves about? We've been in these woods for hours and have seen no evidence.
GUILDENSTERN
You're standing in it.
ROSENCRANTZ
Jumps up and looks at the bottom of his boot
Ack! T'is ill fortune and bad luck. This'll never come off!
GUILDENSTERN
Waving hand in front of his face and moving to other side of Rosencrantz
Ay, t'is also an ill wind.
ROSENCRANTZ
Sitting on log, scraping at boot bottom with a stick
Night approaches. Wolves or no, we must seek shelter.
GUILDENSTERN
And refreshment.
ROSENCRANTZ
Ay. . . that "Castle For Sale" sign, did it say how far and in what direction?
GUILDENSTERN
As before, puts his fingertips on his temples and recites as if reading the memory
"For Sale, Talbot Manor, 6 rms, Hardwood floors. Brick privvy (2-holer!). Solid medieval workmanship inside and out. Designer kitchen. Moat. Peek-a-boo view of full moons and approaching villagers. Fixer. 6,000 Guilders OBO. Open House today only, Noon to Dusk. Refreshments & merrymaking. Head due east, 3 furlongs short of a league; ask for Larry."
ROSENCRANTZ
Ugh, "fixer". Still, we can arrive near to sundown if we make haste.
GUILDENSTERN
I hope there's some mead left.
They exeunt
Scene II
Interior: Talbot Manor House; stone walls, a large fireplace decorated with a family crest and crossed swords, a hefty round wooden table at center stage and directly above it, a hefty irownwork chandelier with candles that barely illuminate the room, in short, spooky.
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern enter, left, through the arched entryway, pushing open a heavy wooden door that creaks loudly as it moves. They turn and shush each other loudly as door continues to swing open, then stops with a loud smack as it hits the wall. R&G then pull off their hats and start swatting each other with them.
LARRY TALBOT
Enters from right; he's in early stages of transforming into a werewolf—spiky pompadour, torn clothing, no shoes
Oh, you shouldn't be here. It's too late for you now.
ROSENCRANTZ
Has somebody already put it an offer?
GUILDENSTERN
Is all of the mead gone?
LARRY TALBOT
Oh, cruel fate! Deliver me from my destiny! Why, oh, why do you do this to me!
ROSENCRANTZ
So, there's no offer?
GUILDENSTERN
Or mead?
LARRY TALBOT
The hour approaches—the hour of the wolf!
ROSENCRANTZ
The gypsy woman mentioned that.
LARRY TALBOT
Raven-haired seductress or soothsaying crone?
ROSENCRANTZ
Crone, I fear.
LARRY TALBOT
Walking stick, coin changer?
GUILDENSTERN
The same.
LARRY TALBOT
You must leave at once before the sun . . .
The light coming in from the still-open front door fades as the sun sets, leaving the arched doorway a dark hole, and the only light in the room now from the chandelier.
Oh, the vexation . . .
ROSENCRANTZ
Peering at buffet table
I'm not seeing any of that but, oooh, canapes!
As the light fades, Talbot transforms fully into the Wolfman. While this is happening Rosencrantz is too busy sampling from the buffet table to notice; Guildenstern, however. sees the changes and keeps tapping on Rosencrantz’s shoulder but is too terrified to speak
GUILDENSTERN
Nyagh, nyagh, nyagh…
ROSENCRANTZ
Ay, these comestibles are most savory…
GUILDENSTERN
Hiyagh…
ROSENCRANTZ
There’s enough here for both of us, get your own…
Rosencrantz turns around to see the Wolfman now fully werewolf and realizes the danger. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern hop onto the table which rotates like a lazy Susan, so they're running in place as the Wolfman grabs at them but can't get onto the table
ROSENCRANTZ
Bad dog!
GUILDENSTERN
Down boy!
ROSENCRANTZ
Sit! Heel!
GUILDENSTERN
Roll over!
As Wolfman starts to get onto the tabletop with them Rosencrantz & Guildenstern jump onto the chandelier, sitting on its outer ring while dodging him and swinging their legs to keep him at bay. Amid this commotion, flickers of torchlight and sounds of a crowd come from outside
ANGRY MOB
Voices shouting
"The beast's in there!"
"Get him!"
"Don't let him escape this time!"
ROSENCRANTZ
Zounds and gadzooks! It’s a mob of angry peasants!
GUILDENTSTERN
Looks at drumstick he’s still holding.
They must be out for revenge!
ROSENCRANTZ
Not “pheasants”. . . oh, nevermind.
Has an idea
Give me that drumstick!
GUILDENSTERN
But I'm still hungry!
ROSENCRANTZ
Swats Guildenstern with his hat and grabs the drumstick, then dangles it in from of the Wolfman, who reacts excitedly
Go get it boy, go get it! Fetch!
Rosencrantz flings the drumstick out open front door; Wolfman, now acting like a dog, leaps off the table and out the door after it, then, seeing the mob just outside . . .
WOLFMAN
Ruh roh.
ROSENCRANTZ
That was close!
Wolfman runs back in
GUILDENSTERN
And it's getting closer!
ROSENCRANTZ
Ngah-ngah-ngah!
GUILDENSTERN
Heep-heep-heep-heep!
Wolfman jumps up on table and climbs onto the chandelier with the terrified R&G; Wolfman makes a conspiratorial "shhhhh" gesture, then bares his teeth threateningly; R&G cringe and bite their lips, clinging to each other and the heavy chains holding up their perch.
The angry mob, carrying the requisite torches and pitchforks, enters all at once, jamming the doorway before falling over each other into the room, Keystone Cops-style; they head for the table and start picking through the buffet table leftovers; they don't notice R&G and Wolfman above them.
ANGRY MOB
Muttering
"Blast, no mead"
"Only dark meat left!"
"Oooh, canapes!"
As they scrounge, their pitchforks and torches come perilously closer and closer to R&G's butts; after several near misses, one torch finally ignites Guildenstern's kiester. It takes him a minute to notice, first sniffing the air then seeing the smoke then feeling the burn
GUILDENSTERN
WHA-oooooooooooooooiiiyyyyaaah!
He jumps up, standing precariously on the rim of the chandelier while Rosencrantz swats at Guildenstern's rear-end with his hat which, of course, catches fire, too.
ANGRY MOB
Looks up and sees R&G and the Wolfman
“There he is!”
“Get him!”
“He’s got friends! Get them, too!”
WOLFMAN
Rrrrrhhhhhhhnnnnnn.
Wolfman stands on rim of chandelier and growls and gestures menacingly; between his actions and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern putting out the fire on Guildenstern’s pantaloons, the chandelier begins swinging side to side
Rosencrantz begins to fall but catches the rim with his knees and is now hanging upside down in the pose of a trapeze catcher; Guildenstern slips, but Rosencrantz catches him, grabbing him by his ankles; they are now swinging widely back and forth and circling as the mob follows the swings of the chandelier and jabs at them with pitchforks, Guildenstern swings his arms around wildly and is knocking them over with his head as they sway, yelping each time he makes contact.
GUILDENSTERN
Oh! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Oh!
The Wolfman hangs off the end of the chandelier opposite R&G and reaches down to flip the table over on top of the mob, pinning them underneath it near the front door.
The Wolfman leaps from the swinging chandelier and lands on the upturned table, using it as a ramp to jump out the door
ROSENCRANTZ
On the count of three, let go. Head for the woods, I'll meet you in the forest!
GUILDENSTERN
Right, I'll go to the forest and meet you in the woods!
ROSENCRANTZ
No, eh, nevermind. On the count of three. . . one, two…
At the count of two, Guildenstern is thrown from the chandelier and through an archway to the right; sound of pots, pans and kitchen implements being banged around as well as a cat screeching.
When the chandelier swings back the other way, Rosencrantz lets go and is flung out the front door.
Guildenstern re-enters from right, spattered with food and wearing a saucepan on his head. He crosses left and heads out the front door, pausing only to grab a drumstick from the outstretched hand of one of the mob still under the table.
Framed by the doorway we see the Wolfman out front running fast; behind him are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern zigzagging back and forth until they bump into each other, then get up and run off in the same direction towards the woods, yowling the whole way.
ROSENCRANTZ
Nyahhh-ah-ah!
GUILDENSTERN
Heep-heep-heep-heep!
Cue music.
—fin—
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