Ant Farmer's Almanac

Remake of “Rip Van Winkle” in Which He Sleeps Through Trump Administration to be Titled “Lucky Bastard”

Renowned movie-beard growers Tom Hanks and George Clooney being considered for lead role.

 

Anti-Vaxxers Will be Locked Into the "It's a Small World" Ride Until They Agree to Get the Shot

Disneyland to be Vaccination Site.

 

"See, See! It's Just Like We've Been Saying!" GOP Cites Trump Call to Raffensperger as Validation of Election Fraud Claims

In other news, killer of own parents begs judge for mercy because he's an orphan. Also, water is wet.

House Hunters International: Moscow

^{Donald and Melania recently left government service in the U.S. and are relocating to the cosmopolitan Russian capital of Moscow. Local friend Vlad will show them some options in their price range.}

^{Option 1: Urban Sprawl
An apartment complex outside the city center}

^{VLAD
Here is first abode. Two rooms, half-bath in hallway. From roof with binoculors, you can almost see top of Kremlin.}

^{DONALD
What is this? The servants’ quarters? I’m not sure I even wanna know anyone who lives here.}

^{MELANIA
Reminds me of childhood home in Slovenia. Only more depressing with less goats and electricity.}

^{VLAD
Neighbors mostly heroes of Russian Republic. People who also served well cause of Russian greatness. Is artful deal; they save Russia, we give them place to live.}

^{Option 2: Country Cozy
A rustic getaway}

^{VLAD
This once dacha of important former Soviet apparatchik. Forget name. Died from mysterious sudden poison disease. Cozy, yes? Much wood. Roof. Outhouse is woods in any direction. Quiet neighbors.}

^{DONALD
What’s behind that chain-link fence? Looks like rusted army tanks.}

^{VLAD
De-commissioned military equipment storage yard, only visitors occasional scrap metal scavangers. Very quiet unless drunk.}

^{MELANIA
Is all gravel and dirt outside. Driveway is seven miles long. Plank flooring no good for wearing of heels.} 

^{VLAD
Bad for heels, da. Maybe you get knock-off Uggs. I know guy in Crimea who can arrange.}

^{DONALD
It looks like the custodian’s cabin at Camp David.}

^{VLAD
Is general idea, da. After so much fast lane, you crave simple life, no?}

^DONALD
No.

^{Option 3: Metroplexual
At the top of the heart of the city}

^{DONALD
This is more like it. Same building you live in, same penthouse floor…}

^{VLAD
Da, over here, your entrance.}

^{MELANIA
We enter through servant quarters?}

^{VLAD
Eh, da. Conveniently attaches to my larger suite.}

^{DONALD
This will be okay for when the Jared and Ivanka visit. Why is there a butler’s outfit on the bed?}

^{VLAD
We’ll have tailor fit it for you later. Melania, your French maid costume is over here. We had to guess at fishnet stocking size. Many feather dusters in closet.}

^{DONALD
Hey, we had a deal!}

^{VLAD
Da. I help you stay from jail. Sanctuary and shelter is bonus. You want I introduce you realtor for Pyongyang or maybe the Hague?}

^{MELANIA
I am calling divorce lawyer...}

 

GOP Leadership Develops Impenetrable Resistance to Redemption by Visits from Christmas Ghosts

"If we give every Tom, Dick and Harry in America $2000, where will we get the money to keep prisons and workhouses in operation?" ask Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy, adding, "There are still workhouses, right?"

 

 

England to Drop Superfluous “U” from Words Such as “Colour,” “Flavour,” “Harbour,” “Humour,” “Labour,” “Rumour” and "Four" as Part of Post-Brexit Austerity Plan

The controversial move has caused an uproar among traditionalists, especially those who believed separating England from the European Union would keep them “more British.” Still, the news was greeted with cheers from the printing and sign painting industries, with one tipsy cockney touching up a pub window's logo, noting, “Well, for once they’ve done the working man a favour ‘aven’t they? Woops, I mean ‘favor’ now, don’t I?”

 

GOP Achieves Herd Immunity Against Facts

"This is an historic milestone," tweeted White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, "At this pace, we'll have overcome reality itself by the second quarter of 2021."

 

Despite Check Signed by Putin Covering Trump's $400 Million Debt with "For Services Rendered" on Memo Line, GOP Still Skeptical About Russian Influence

"Anybody with $400 million to burn could have signed Putin's name," says Lindsay Graham, unconvinced by leaked pictures and internal documents from Deutschebank confirming that the check cleared, adding, "George Soros or Hunter Biden, maybe. We should hold hearings to find out who's responsible."

Doctors Pepper, Severinsen, Who, Kissinger, Strange, Octopus, Phil, Moriarity, Spock, Holliday, Seuss, Dre Tell WSJ's Joseph Epstein "Get Bent"

Noted Holders of Medical, Non-Medical and Honorary Doctorate Degrees Pledge Support of Ed.D. Holder Jill Biden’s Use of Title “Dr.”

In an open letter objecting to Joseph Epstein's Wall Street Journal opinion piece in which he asserted, "No one who hasn't delivered a baby should be called "Doctor," and chided Dr. Jill Biden for doing so, a group of luminaries, all of whom are known as "Doctor" or "Doc" but none of whom ever delivered a baby, strongly took issue.

The group which includes doctors past, present and fictional, all prominent in their respective fields, noted that such a title is earned only afters years of dedicated study and hard work and that even when given as an honorarium or a nickname, is bestowed only on those with stellar achievements to their name. "They don't just hand these out to anybody," the letter ends, "It's not like the Medal of Freedom, or a presidential pardon."  

 

GOP Officials Rush to Commit Crimes for Which They Could be Pardoned by Trump

"Without a pardon by Trump for some wrongdoing done on his behalf," said one Republican congressman, "You simply have no future in the GOP."

 

White House Press Tipped-Off to Pre-Thanksgiving Pardon of 268-Pounder.

Reporters told this Tuesday's Rose Garden ceremony will be "One for the history books".

 

White House Staff Told to Not Look Behind Poster of Rita Hayworth Hanging on Oval Office Wall

Visitors also advised to “Pay No Attention” to the president’s dirty fingernails, dented and scratched spoons and chisels on Resolute Desk.

 

Thanksgiving Turkey Surprise

Trump Pardons Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in Rose Garden Ceremony

Confiscated Underwater Scooter from Ponzi Schemer’s Escape Attempt Sent to White House

FBI offers no explanation. In a totally unrelated news story, Google searches for "Secret Subterranean Aquatic Tunnels from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to Potomac River" up 3000%.

 

“That’s Right. It’s Also a Mountain in Alaska”

Kayleigh McEnany's response to a White House reporter noting that “Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, you know."

 

 

EBay Flooded With Pollster’s Discarded Ouija Boards, Crystal Balls, Tea Leaves

“Screw all that,” says Nate Silver, “From now on I’m sticking to the I Ching.”

 

Biden Transition Team Vetting Native American Shamans for Sage Burning Cleanse of White House

Exorcists and Ghostbusters on Standby.

Secret Service Denies Agents on POTUS Detail Playing “Rock Paper Scissors” to Decide Who Gets to Tase Him When the Time Comes

White House Chef Replaced with Grubhub App

Sales of Aviator Shades Skyrocket

"We haven't seen numbers like this since "Top Gun" came out,” says RayBan spokesman.