Ant Farmer's Almanac

EPA Kicks Off New Round of Deregulation by Reigniting Cayuhoga River

CLEVELAND (AFA NewsWire) For the first time in more than 50 years, the Cayuhoga River was ablaze again last night in a spectacular display dubbed, “Smoke on the Water” as the “opening ceremony” of the Environmental Protection Agency’s latest round of deregulation.

“We wanted to make a big splash,” said Roy L. Ashall, a Trump-appointed assistant acting deputy to the acting assistant of the acting deputy director of the EPA, “The president likes to put on a good show and we thought this would be a real barn burner… except it’s a river, not a barn,” and, Ashall added, “It’s something of a tradition around here, I’m told. Isn’t there’s even a song about it?”

The Cayuhoga River, which was infamously and frequently flammable for much of the 20th century, due to it’s toxically polluted water, has undergone decades of vigorous clean-up and rehabilitation, sparking revived waterfront neighborhoods and active aquatic sports. 

While previous fires were the result of years of neglected maintenance and blatantly illegal dumping, this “controlled burn” was created by towing a barge filled with a combination of crude oil and gasoline into the area known as The Flats and igniting it.

“The gas acts as an accelerant and the crude floats and burns more slowly,” notes Ashall, “It’ll burn itself out in a few days or weeks. Probably,” adding, “Oh, and, sorry about that bridge.”

EPA’s goals this year include rollbacks of fuel economy standards, relaxing of climate warming pollution and ignoring the dumping of toxic chemicals into public waterways.

“The theme is, “Back to the Good Old Days,” enthused Ashall, “We want to make industrial waste a household name again.”

Although one city hall official remembered something about an EPA request for a fireworks permit, Cleveland mayor Frank G. Jackson and Ohio governor Mike DeWine both denied prior knowledge of the event. 

 

Shortage of Ice Floes Sinks Proposal to Send Seniors Adrift at Sea

Global Warming Blamed

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) A leaked internal email, purportedly from the Federalist Society, reveals a proposal for sending non-productive senior citizens at risk for the coronavirus out to sea on ice floes. 

Meant to capitalize on the growing sentiment in conservative circles that older Ameicans should voluntarily give up their lives to save the economy, the plan, entitled, “Sometimes the Old Ways Are Best” revives the Inuit practice of senilicide, last used in 1939 and, to be fair, only in times of extreme hardship before then. 

With no indication of to whom the proposal was to be presented, the memo details the rationale for the project — old people are a drag on the economy in the best of times and, under the current circumstances, an existential threat to the Dow Jones — and suggests ways to spin the concept to be more palatable (“Go With the Floe!”) to the general public as well as the senior citizens themselves. 

This latter issue, however, has proved “. . .less of an obstacle than expected. . .” according to the memo since, “. . .followers of the various pundits openly forwarding the idea seem non-plussed by its Swiftian aspect with some enthusiastically eager to make this sacrifice”.

Only in a reply to the original email is a lack of ice on which to place willing seniors presented as a problem.

“Despite global warming being a hoax or at least a liberal media exaggeration of naturally occurring fluctuations of the Earth’s climate, there is at present, a notable shortage of appropriately sized ice floes to hold an elderly American long enough to get them past being visible from shore.” 

The memo goes onto to debate whether a profitable contract industry could be created to fill this need but, it ultimately determines any such venture a non-starter also noting that, “The existing supply of ice floes is populated by very territorial polar bears, many of them drinking Coca-Cola.”

 

Dickens’ Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future's Post-Haunt Analysis of Unsuccessful Attempt to Show Donald Trump the Error of His Ways

PAST GHOST
What the hell just happened?

PRESENT GHOST
I don’t understand it at all.

FUTURE GHOST
What do we do next?

PAST GHOST
I dunno, I mean, we did everything right, right?

PRESENT GHOST
Yeah, yeah. we showed him his own miserable childhood, the misery he’s inflicting on others now, his own future misery…

FUTURE GHOST
Weird that he laughed.

PAST GHOST
Just flat-out denied it, ‘Never happened,’ he said.

PRESENT GHOST
‘Fake haunting’, he tells me. What does that even mean?

FUTURE GHOST
Refused to believe he was seeing his own funeral, ‘This can’t be it,’ he says, ‘Mine’ll be yoooge’. 

PAST GHOST
Didn’t stop tweeting the whole time. He was barely paying attention.

PRESENT GHOST
Never seen anything like it. The insults, the name-calling.

FUTURE GHOST
Even Scrooge never made fun of the way Tiny Tim moved around on his crutch.

PAST GHOST
Or rated Mrs. Cratchit ‘No better than a 4, tops’.

PRESENT GHOST
She's a solid 7, easy . . .

FUTURE GHOST
For her time, especially, yeah.

PAST GHOST
Never seen anything like it. 

PRESENT GHOST
(To Future)
You gave him the skeletal finger pointing to his own demise business? 

FUTURE GHOST
Whole nine yards; ground fog, thunder, lightning, well-timed organ sting — you know he loves melodrama — the only thing that seemed to get to him was seeing his name being taken off his properties.

PAST GHOST
Maybe we’re using the wrong approach; maybe erasure of his life and legacy is the way to go, like in It’s A Wonderful Life?

PRESENT GHOST
Has Capra got ghosts?

FUTURE GHOST
He’s got angels, same difference.

PAST GHOST
Here’s his number.

PRESENT GHOST
Who’ve we got for tonight?

FUTURE GHOST
McConnell.

PAST GHOST
Oh, I am not looking forward to this.

 

Trump Shuttle on List of Airlines to Receive Financial Bailout

Pence Issues First Statement on Battling Coronavirus

"We can convert this crisis into a cure," states new coronavirus czar

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) In his first official act as coronavirus czar, vice president Mike Pence today handed out lapel pins emblazoned with the phrases, "Denying is Defying!" and "Fake it till you shake it!" 

Pence has waved off recommendations from the WHO, the CDC and other public health organizations and is drawing instead on his experience with public health crises while governor of Indiana. This included leaning heavily on gay conversion therapy and "praying away the gay" as methods of preventing HIV. His coronavirus campaign emphasizes the individual's role and responsibility in dealing with the pandemic.

A flyer distributed to the assembled press lays out the foundation of Pence's call to action.

If you have, or think you have, coronavirus, repress all symptoms and behave as if you don’t have it. Do things a healthy person would do, even if you don’t feel well enough to do them. Do them anyway. Act as if you're healthier than the healthiest person who ever lived, as if you were someone who, blessedly, will never know the agony of a soul tortured by the power of the coronavirus.

Just the simple act of denying the coronavirus’ effect on you will blunt and reverse the virus. Never give in to the overpowering and persistent temptation to acknowledge and accept the fact that you may really have it. Keep reminding yourself how much better it is to not have the coronavirus and how much happier and well-adjusted you'd be if you don’t. Wouldn't you rather be someone who doesn't have the coronavirus? Of course you would.

Tips on Avoiding the coronavirus:

• Wash your hands frequently.
• Don’t be alone in a room with the coronavirus.
• Drink plenty of fluids.
• Avoid musical theater, discos, the E! Channel and, if you have it, Bravo. Also, just to be on the safe side, most of the Food Channel; the holiday themed baking shows, especially.
• Invest more in the stock market. Help boost America's economic immune system!
• If you get a common cold or even the flu, don't panic; just keep telling yourself, "It isn't the coronavirus, it's just a phase I'm going through and I'll get over it."
• Seek the help of a cleric of your choice but, remember to wear a face mask over your nose and mouth so he knows what he's up against and not get too close to you.

Congressional Republicans Congratulate Trump for Being Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"

WASHINGTON (AFA NewsWire) In a party line vote taken today in the House of Representatives, Republicans voted to issue a proclamation congratulating President Donald Trump on being named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year". Senate Republicans later seconded the motion and issued a joint statement that the honor, while long overdue, was well deserved if too understated.

No sitting members responded to such questions from the press as, "You know he isn't really Time's "Person of the Year", right", "Are you serious?" and "What the fuck!?!"  

Congressional Democrats were quick to point out that the proclamation was utterly meaningless having not gone through any sort of the necessary procedures such a declaration would need to be "official". Nonetheless, at least a dozen staffers were tasked with going though the document with a fine-toothed comb looking for anything the Republicans were trying to sneak into the record.

Speaking on condition of anonymity and with visible fear in his eyes, one GOP House member explained, "Look, you don't want to be in the same zip code as Trump when he finds out that he's not Time's Person of the Year" and that he lost to a girl."

 

Alligators' Refusal to Relocate Nixes Border Moat

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Reaction to revelations that president Trump ordered a "water-filled trench, filled with snakes or alligators", built along the U.S. Mexico border, escalated further today when leaked White House memos about it were made public.

This new information includes that White House staffers went as far as calculating cost estimates for the project, where they encountered a mountain of logistical and budgetary obstacles.

The building and maintenance of a trench long enough to stretch from Brownsville, Texas to San Diego, California alone, much less access to and the cost of diverting enough water to keep it viable; the filtration, procurement and transport of snakes and/or gators, and their care and feeding all proved daunting and foreshadowed the plan's doom.

Also revealed were alternative schemes, including having border agents patrol while wearing hockey goalie masks and carrying chainsaws or -- and this was rejected as too cruel and unusual -- telemarketers, in person, shouting into bullhorns at anyone attempting to get into the country that their car's warranty was about to expire.

But in the end, the final blow came from an unexpected source: The alligators.

"When I retire, I'm moving to Florida," said Tock, designated spokesman for "Gators Ain't Goin'", the ad hoc group leading opposition to a mass relocation of the legendary alligators who have dwelt for decades in the sewers of New York.

"Seriously," intoned Tock, "We're expected to just give up our cosmopolitan sophisticated lifestyle under New York -- the greatest city in the world, amirite! -- and schlepp off to some sun-belt desert state where they don't even have a word for 'humidity'?" He (we're assuming) then added, "Eminent domain, what a croc!" prompting uproarious laughter from the others present.

No snakes responded to requests for comment.

 

 

 

From here on, I think we can pretty much assume that everything Trump says is ammunition for his “Not-Guilty by Reason of Insanity” defense.

Trump Declares Candidacy for President of the Confederacy

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA (AFA NewsWire) At a hastily organized rally Tuesday morning, President Donald Trump thrilled the assembled crowd by announcing that he was now a candidate for president of the Confederate States of America.

"You had it so right, you rebels," he said to the cheering crowd, "You tried to preserve, protect and maintain your way of life, all that was right and good about America, all the things our Founding Fathers -- all white, all men, right? I don't have to tell you that, you know -- held so dear and fought so hard for," the president paused while the crowd waved the Stars and Bars and chanted "CSA, CSA, CSA," nearly drowning out the sound of his voice.

"What you needed in 1861, and what I'll give you now, is a big beautiful wall across the Mason-Dixon Line," Trump paused here and shrugged, "Wall, fence, barricade, DMZ, whatever... We'll keep out the liberals and the progressives and the communists trying to take away our God-given right to make sure everyone knows their place and stays in it, and rededicate ourselves to the core values of the founders' vision of One White, Land-Owning Man, One Vote!" 

A reporter who asked if "land-owning" included owners of mobile homes who did not own the land on which they were parked, was beaten severely by a group calling themselves "Fundamentalist Americans" and taken to a nearby hospital.