Ant Farmer's Almanac

Congressional Republicans Congratulate Trump for Being Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"

WASHINGTON (AFA NewsWire) In a party line vote taken today in the House of Representatives, Republicans voted to issue a proclamation congratulating President Donald Trump on being named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year". Senate Republicans later seconded the motion and issued a joint statement that the honor, while long overdue, was well deserved if too understated.

No sitting members responded to such questions from the press as, "You know he isn't really Time's "Person of the Year", right", "Are you serious?" and "What the fuck!?!"  

Congressional Democrats were quick to point out that the proclamation was utterly meaningless having not gone through any sort of the necessary procedures such a declaration would need to be "official". Nonetheless, at least a dozen staffers were tasked with going though the document with a fine-toothed comb looking for anything the Republicans were trying to sneak into the record.

Speaking on condition of anonymity and with visible fear in his eyes, one GOP House member explained, "Look, you don't want to be in the same zip code as Trump when he finds out that he's not Time's Person of the Year" and that he lost to a girl."

 

Alligators' Refusal to Relocate Nixes Border Moat

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Reaction to revelations that president Trump ordered a "water-filled trench, filled with snakes or alligators", built along the U.S. Mexico border, escalated further today when leaked White House memos about it were made public.

This new information includes that White House staffers went as far as calculating cost estimates for the project, where they encountered a mountain of logistical and budgetary obstacles.

The building and maintenance of a trench long enough to stretch from Brownsville, Texas to San Diego, California alone, much less access to and the cost of diverting enough water to keep it viable; the filtration, procurement and transport of snakes and/or gators, and their care and feeding all proved daunting and foreshadowed the plan's doom.

Also revealed were alternative schemes, including having border agents patrol while wearing hockey goalie masks and carrying chainsaws or -- and this was rejected as too cruel and unusual -- telemarketers, in person, shouting into bullhorns at anyone attempting to get into the country that their car's warranty was about to expire.

But in the end, the final blow came from an unexpected source: The alligators.

"When I retire, I'm moving to Florida," said Tock, designated spokesman for "Gators Ain't Goin'", the ad hoc group leading opposition to a mass relocation of the legendary alligators who have dwelt for decades in the sewers of New York.

"Seriously," intoned Tock, "We're expected to just give up our cosmopolitan sophisticated lifestyle under New York -- the greatest city in the world, amirite! -- and schlepp off to some sun-belt desert state where they don't even have a word for 'humidity'?" He (we're assuming) then added, "Eminent domain, what a croc!" prompting uproarious laughter from the others present.

No snakes responded to requests for comment.

 

 

 

From here on, I think we can pretty much assume that everything Trump says is ammunition for his “Not-Guilty by Reason of Insanity” defense.

Trump Declares Candidacy for President of the Confederacy

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA (AFA NewsWire) At a hastily organized rally Tuesday morning, President Donald Trump thrilled the assembled crowd by announcing that he was now a candidate for president of the Confederate States of America.

"You had it so right, you rebels," he said to the cheering crowd, "You tried to preserve, protect and maintain your way of life, all that was right and good about America, all the things our Founding Fathers -- all white, all men, right? I don't have to tell you that, you know -- held so dear and fought so hard for," the president paused while the crowd waved the Stars and Bars and chanted "CSA, CSA, CSA," nearly drowning out the sound of his voice.

"What you needed in 1861, and what I'll give you now, is a big beautiful wall across the Mason-Dixon Line," Trump paused here and shrugged, "Wall, fence, barricade, DMZ, whatever... We'll keep out the liberals and the progressives and the communists trying to take away our God-given right to make sure everyone knows their place and stays in it, and rededicate ourselves to the core values of the founders' vision of One White, Land-Owning Man, One Vote!" 

A reporter who asked if "land-owning" included owners of mobile homes who did not own the land on which they were parked, was beaten severely by a group calling themselves "Fundamentalist Americans" and taken to a nearby hospital.