Ant Farmer's Almanac

Kelly Loeffler Unfamiliar With This "President Trump" People Keep Asking Her About

Asked for comment about his time on Pence's head, the fly cried out in a high-pitched voice, "Help me! Help me!"

Secret Service Changes Trump's Code Name from "Mogul" to "Cootie Monster"

Runners-up included "Typhoid Putz", "Comorbidity One", "Superspreader".

 

Vice President Pence Delightedly Agrees to Have More Distance and Plexiglass Barrier Between Him and Woman on the Debate Stage Who is Not His Wife

Nationwide Spike in Cases of Schadenfreude Reported

"Atlas Shrugged"

Headline on report of the reaction by White House medical advisor Scott Atlas when he was told about Trump's Positive COVID-19 Test Result.

 

Biden to Study Warner Bros. Cartoons Featuring Tasmanian Devil Character as Prep for 2nd Debate

The campaign has also hired Gary Busey and Randy Quaid to spar with the former Vice President in practice sessions for the upcoming debates.

"Either of them alone wasn't enough," said a Biden campaign staffer, "We believe that only Busey and Quaid together, sharing the podium at the same time, talking over the Vice President, the moderator each other and the voices in their heads could come anywhere close to the experience of facing Donald Trump on the debate stage," adding, "This will provide Mr. Biden with a beneficial workout and be damn fun to watch." 

Dictionarium

Trumpoline
\trump-oh-leen\
noun, verb, whatever... does it even matter anymore?

To experience multiple, dramatic, sudden and unexpected emotional ups and downs every day for an extended period of time (four years, say), that, however entertaining, leaves you in a perpetual state of exhaustion. 

"Dating Pat was like being on a trumpoline with no way off."
 

Trump Alleges Nobel Prize Voter Fraud, Calls Peace “Liberal Hoax”

When Trump Loses, Half of His Administration Will Leave in Handcuffs and the Other Half in Straitjackets

“One day it’s going to magically disappear” is the new "Prosperity is just around the corner"

Post-Election Bestsellers List

If Trump Loses:

All the President’s Mendacity

Trump’s Tweets from Jail

Team of Risibles

The Elephant in the Room

From Russia With Love, Vlad: Transcripts from the Putin/Trump phone calls 2016-2020

The Unredacted Mueller Report

Humpty Trumpty: After the Fall

Sorry/Not Sorry: Trump Loyalists' Top Excuses 

Fifty Shades of Schadenfreude

The Joy of Locking Them Up

 

If Trump Wins:

Sir: Fan Letters to Dear Leader

Art of the Deal (reissue with new forward by Vladimir Putin)

Feudalism for Dummies: Preparing for Life in the Newly Great Again America

Let’s Go: Anywhere But Here! Moving Abroad in a Hurry and On the Cheap

The Hunger Games: Non-Fiction How-To Edition

Chicken Soup for Serfs: 101 Uplifting Stories of Perseverance and Survival You’re Really Gonna Need to Get Through This

Mother May I: Mike Pence’s Journey to Talking to Women Who Aren’t His Wife

Amazon Employee Handbook

Fifty Shades of White

The Joy of Locking Them Up

 

I Prefer Boats That Didn't Sink

Silver Linings Plague Book

New From Now What: the Silver Linings Plague Book, How to keep your spirits up during lockdown.

Co-written by myself and Martin Kozlowski, with hilarious helpful hints, astute observations, comics by "Gertrude's Follies" creator Tom Hachtman, and much, much more.

Available from Apple Books.

RNC Replaces Traditional Finale of Balloons Dropping with Stock Footage of Lemmings Diving off a Cliff

Trump Campaign Unveils “At Least They’re White” Response to Charges of Russian Interference

QAnon Identity to be Revealed “Masked Singer” Style on Final Night of GOP Convention

Bannon Claims Border Wall Scam Meant to Defraud Mexicans, Blames Post Office for Getting Addresses Wrong

After Private Call with Putin, Trump Pardons Rudolf Abel, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg

2020 to Be Measured in Dog Years

In an effort to accommodate and adequately chronicle the rapid pace of this year's current events into comprehensible portions, social and political scientists at the Research Studies Institute are recommending that 2020 be measured in “Dog Years” and multiplied into no fewer than seven segments of varying lengths.

“We aren’t yet certain how the additional time will be distributed,” says Dr. Gerald Bostock, Dean of the Institute’s History Department, “But it probably won’t be divvied up evenly as some months, weeks and even days have been more jam-packed than others."

While the names or titles for these new parcels of time haven't been finalized, Bostock acknowledges that "Head-Spinning", "Hair-Raising", "You've Got to be Kidding Me" and "WTF!!!" were all in serious consideration. 

"We don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves," cautions Bostock, gravely, warning that, “We’ve still got four months to go, God help us all.”