CLEVELAND (AFA NewsWire) For the first time in more than 50 years, the Cuyahoga River was ablaze again last night in a spectacular display dubbed, “Smoke on the Water” as the “opening ceremony” of the Environmental Protection Agency’s latest round of deregulation.
“We wanted to make a big splash,” said Roy L. Ashall, a Trump-appointed assistant acting deputy to the acting assistant of the acting deputy director of the EPA, “The president likes to put on a good show and we thought this would be a real barn burner… except it’s a river, not a barn,” and, Ashall added, “It’s something of a tradition around here, I’m told. Isn’t there’s even a song about it?”
The Cuyahoga River, which was infamously and frequently flammable for much of the 20th century, due to it’s toxically polluted water, has undergone decades of vigorous clean-up and rehabilitation, sparking revived waterfront neighborhoods and active aquatic sports.
While previous fires were the result of years of neglected maintenance and blatantly illegal dumping, this “controlled burn” was created by towing a barge filled with a combination of crude oil and gasoline into the area known as The Flats and igniting it.
“The gas acts as an accelerant and the crude floats and burns more slowly,” notes Ashall, “It’ll burn itself out in a few days or weeks. Probably,” adding, “Oh, and, sorry about that bridge.”
EPA’s goals this year include rollbacks of fuel economy standards, relaxing of climate warming pollution and ignoring the dumping of toxic chemicals into public waterways.
“The theme is, “Back to the Good Old Days,” enthused Ashall, “We want to make industrial waste a household name again.”
Although one city hall official remembered something about an EPA request for a fireworks permit, Cleveland mayor Frank G. Jackson and Ohio governor Mike DeWine both denied prior knowledge of the event.
Comments