Global Warming Blamed
WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) A leaked internal email, purportedly from the Federalist Society, reveals a proposal for sending non-productive senior citizens at risk for the coronavirus out to sea on ice floes.
Meant to capitalize on the growing sentiment in conservative circles that older Ameicans should voluntarily give up their lives to save the economy, the plan, entitled, “Sometimes the Old Ways Are Best” revives the Inuit practice of senilicide, last used in 1939 and, to be fair, only in times of extreme hardship before then.
With no indication of to whom the proposal was to be presented, the memo details the rationale for the project — old people are a drag on the economy in the best of times and, under the current circumstances, an existential threat to the Dow Jones — and suggests ways to spin the concept to be more palatable (“Go With the Floe!”) to the general public as well as the senior citizens themselves.
This latter issue, however, has proved “. . .less of an obstacle than expected. . .” according to the memo since, “. . .followers of the various pundits openly forwarding the idea seem non-plussed by its Swiftian aspect with some enthusiastically eager to make this sacrifice”.
Only in a reply to the original email is a lack of ice on which to place willing seniors presented as a problem.
“Despite global warming being a hoax or at least a liberal media exaggeration of naturally occurring fluctuations of the Earth’s climate, there is at present, a notable shortage of appropriately sized ice floes to hold an elderly American long enough to get them past being visible from shore.”
The memo goes onto to debate whether a profitable contract industry could be created to fill this need but, it ultimately determines any such venture a non-starter also noting that, “The existing supply of ice floes is populated by very territorial polar bears, many of them drinking Coca-Cola.”
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