WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) At an unscheduled Rose Garden ceremony held early this morning, president Donald Trump awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Purple Heart.
“When I said that I view the number of cases [of COVID-19] as a badge of honor, I meant it literally,” said Mr. Trump, “And this medallion is proof of my commitment to bravely sacrificing as many lives as it takes to keep America in the forefront of anything, always and in every way, no matter what.”
Vice president Mike Pence, beaming with pride and admiration, handed the medal to the president who then looped the ribbon holding it around his own head. Mr. Pence then pinned a Purple Heart onto the president’s suit jacket.
“I’ve always wanted one of these,” said Mr. Trump, “And no president has ever deserved it more than I do. Every day, I suffer more attacks than anyone who’s ever held this office. My enemies, in the fake media, the Democrats, they come at me day after day, nonstop, so unfairly, wounding me with relentless insults and meanness. But,” the president continued, “I’m telling them, here and now, to just turn around. They’re not welcome anymore. I will go on. I will survive. They may think I’d just crumble. Just lay down and die. But, no, Oh no, I will survive. Oh, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live and I'll survive. I will survive. Hey, hey.”
When asked if the Pentagon had signed off on presenting a medal usually awarded for wounds suffered in combat to a civilian with no history of military service for, essentially, hurt feelings, the Joint Chiefs' press officer pretended to be an answering machine, told us to leave a message, said “Beep” and then quickly hung up.
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